Do we owe our teens a "fun summer"?

crust

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 9:20 am

LovesHashem wrote:

EXACTLY. THIS THIS THIS. Is it the majority is every single girl in the entire grade going?

Thats what I understood from OP. That her daughter is the only girl that stayed home.

I dont live in a place where everyone goes to camp.

At least half of the girls stay home and the ones that are going are not going for full summer.

LovesHashem

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 9:23 am

crust wrote:

Teens exaggerate. How many times has your kid or teen said "Every single boy/girl in my class has/is doing x, y and z?" and later you have found out there's 5 kids in the class that aren't?

I know I definitely did this as a child and a teen.

Chayalle

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 9:24 am

LovesHashem wrote:

MY QUESTION IS:

If it's 75 percent or even 90 percent of te grade SHE IS NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO IS "DIFFERENT" SHE WILL NOT DIE IF SHE STAYS HOME.

It often has less to do with how many girls in the grade, and more about the particular group of friends the teen is part of.

crust

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 9:28 am

LovesHashem wrote:

I believe OP would not feel guilty if what you were saying would be the case. It is very easy to see if there are girls that stayed home. Is anyone calling her? etc.

And what Chayala said.

LovesHashem

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 9:32 am

Chayalle wrote:

It often has less to do with how many girls in the grade, and more about the particular group of friends the teen is part of.

Like other posters said, I would help her make a plan so she has a fun summer. Look up activities, ways to meet new girls, classes in something she is interested in, go to the gym, to the pool, to the library, volunteer, etc, and earn money for next summer.

This summer is the perfect time to get a job to earn money for going to camp next year.
There were times all my friends were doing x but I couldn't.
As long as it's not EVERY thing, it's fine if she sits out sometimes.

During the year is she included in everything? Do you give her money to go shopping and ice skating and such with her close friends? Does she earn it herself? Does she miss out on other stuff during the regular school year?

I don't think anyone should go into debt because they feel pressured to send their DD to camp just because her 4 best friends are going.

pause

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 9:59 am

I don't see how it matters if everyone actually is going or not. The point is that the DD *FEELS* like everyone is going, and she is feeling left out and deprived.

OP wants her DD to be mature about the facts: we can't afford it, so what do you want from me now? But she's not addressing her feelings.

Now I'm not one to say send to camp or don't send to camp. But it is imperative to approach the whole situation by first seriously taking into account the DD's feelings. Figuring out what it is that's bothering her. Validating. And then you'll be able to effectively problem-solve.

saw50st8

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 10:18 am

OP, I think you need to empathize with your daughter about how hard it is to want something many of your peers have and not be able to get it and then switch to brainstorming for two things:

1) What would make her summer more enjoyable this year?
2) What she can do next summer

There are many bungalow colonies and camps that hire mothers helpers. She can get the experience of going away without having to work that hard.

She can also start saving up.

Hey, it's not fun not have lots of money to do what you want. We've all been there (unless you are those Cohens that everyone is keeping up with)....but life is about choices. We have limited resources and we need to do our best with what we have.

amother

Orchid

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 10:35 am

crust wrote:

I believe OP would not feel guilty if what you were saying would be the case. It is very easy to see if there are girls that stayed home. Is anyone calling her? etc.

And what Chayala said.

This everyone MUST go to camp or you will lose your daughter or she will damaged for life is nonsense. Don't drink the koolaid.

The camps did a great job of marketing. On visiting day, I saw mice at every camp. The toilets were filthy. I would probably be more damaged for life if my parents exiled me to a dirty rodent infested place than if they kept me home.

There needs to be an emperor's new clothes moment for people to realize the absurdity of going into debt or begging to send their kids to camp.

Mommyg8

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 10:57 am

Where are all you guys in my real life? Everyone I know seems to be able to afford EVERYTHING. There are camps nowadays that cost MORE money and are MORE over the top, and they are all full, with waiting lists. And we're not even including a million other things that everyone is doing and my kids seem to NEED.

I don't know where you live LovesHashem, but in most in-town frum communities, the standards are over the top, and yes, EVERYONE is doing this. I recently read a thread about bar-mitzvah's and chasunas - the numbers being thrown around are outrageous. And yes, I've made both, but we didn't spend a quarter of what seems to be the mainstream. And yet here on imamother I seem to be the wasteful one.

If everyone here is so careful with their money, and no-one would dip into savings or ch'v go into debt to pay for their kids camp, then WHERE IS EVERYONE getting the money to pay for all this? I don't believe we have THAT many multi-millionares in the frum community.

Ok, vent over.

LovesHashem

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 10:59 am

amother wrote:

Don't drink the koolaid.

Are you reading the AIM serial too? LOL

C'mon, imamother's don't be shy.

Last edited by LovesHashem on Fri, Jun 29 2018, 11:02 am; edited 1 time in total

LovesHashem

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 11:01 am

Mommyg8 wrote:

Jerusalem/RBS/Beitar, Israel.
I don't like saying my specific city, but the general area. I travel to all 3 places pretty often as it is.

Mommyg8

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 11:10 am

LovesHashem wrote:

Jerusalem/RBS/Beitar, Israel.
I don't like saying my specific city, but the general area. I travel to all 3 places pretty often as it is.

I'm sorry I wasn't clear in my post. I meant in-town frum communities in the UNITED STATES. It's just very different here.

Also, I'm not sure where to post this, so this is not for you, LovesHashem, but in my world kids who go to college usually finance it themselves. This is the same community that pays for summer camps... so... I guess they have different priorities.

LovesHashem

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 11:26 am

Mommyg8 wrote:

We finance it here ourselves too.

amother

Mauve

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 11:59 am

At this point just validate her. You seem perhaps surprised or perhaps angry yourself that she is feeling angry. She's allowed to feel angry. And you can help her learn how to productively handle anger acknowledge it but not take it out on others. Its understandable she is upset it does not mean she's a "brat". Is she your oldest?

amother

Periwinkle

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 12:08 pm

Just going to add my two cents- it only gets more challenging. In 4 years it’s seminary which costs a mint and then Shidduchim and support.... if u live in a community with high standards this is only the beginning...

saw50st8

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 12:15 pm

OP, I just want to add that this doesn't start when they become teens. This attitude of everyone "needing" luxuries is prevalent at every stage in life. If you are interested in reading an epic thread about daycamp, try this one:

https://www.imamother.com/foru.....55115

Boy was that a fun thread.

amother

Babyblue

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 12:15 pm

amother wrote:

many teenagers have a hard time getting along with their mothers, their siblings, at home in general. Getting away for a month is a huge deal and in my case, went a very long way in keeping me happy all year. I don’t think summer camp is all about marketing and peer pressure. And I think this is the reason schools Sometimes recommend it, and wealthy people will sponsor it.
There is a lot of growth and maturity developed in that kind of setting. It gives those struggling with certain problems a way to succeed and be seen without the context of their every day problems. I know I’m not alone in thinking this. Many people have said that their camp years have had the biggest impact on them.

amother

Orchid

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 1:18 pm

amother wrote:

I understand camp is a nice fun experience. It is not a necessity that someone should go into debt or beg money for. If the camps are giving scholarships and there is money dedicated to pay for camp, then by all means go.