Do we owe our teens a "fun summer"?

amother

Dodgerblue

Wed, Jun 27 2018, 9:39 pm

Yes, we do owe it to our teens to give them a fun summer. We adults have removed every ounce of leisure time with our ridiculous system of long schooldays, 20 school subjects, endless homework and midterms....we are subjecting them to insanely hard work during the year. Yes we owe it to them to give them a good summer. Really, we owe it to them not to provide such a hellish workload during the schoolyear, but thats a separate story.

This does NOT mean we need to spend money we dont have. If you cant afford sleepaway camp, obviously you dont owe it to your daughter. But please go out of your way to provide her with whatever you can, and let her understand that you are trying. Do fun daytrips, go to a waterpark, rafting, ice cream, ice skating whatever....but give her a fun time

amother

Lawngreen

Wed, Jun 27 2018, 9:49 pm

Gold: sorry you are so incredulous that a 15 year old can manage to entertain herself. Mine has so much to do (painting, drawing, fabric painting, teaching herself the guitar, [the instrument is from my childhood] reading books online, making bead jewelry [which she sells] as well as some prepping for the SAT which she will take this coming year iy"H, that she will not be able to fit it all in. She is certainly not "sitting around."

allthingsblue

Wed, Jun 27 2018, 9:59 pm

You don't owe her a fun summer, but if your goal is a good relationship with her, then you should offer genuine sympathy instead of belittling her feelings. You might also want to brainstorm with her to think of fun, free/cheap things to do with family, friends who stayed home, making new friends...

amother

Rose

Wed, Jun 27 2018, 10:04 pm

As teenagers if my sisters and I wanted to go to sleep away camp we found a job there - waitress or mothers helper

My daughter is that age now. She doesn't want to go to sleep away camp. She chose to work in a day camp. Her camp provides a night activity once a week for the staff. This gives them a social outlet that one night. She is also looking into taking a course this summer either sewing or hairstyling. She is also looking forward to just sitting around doing nothing.

LovesHashem

Thu, Jun 28 2018, 1:06 am

Don't owe it to her. Why don't you tell her to save her money so SHE can pay for camp next year? Lots of american israeli teens do that to go to sleepaway or traveling camps in the USA. Some pay half and their parents pay half. Some pay for the camp and parents will pay for the ticket, and some earn money for the whole thing.

You don't owe her a fun summer, you owe her a warm loving home with a good atmosphere.
Only SHE owe's her her own good summer.

crust

Thu, Jun 28 2018, 1:17 am

amother wrote:

We don't owe it to teens to go into debt to pay for a luxury item. We also don't have to spend savings to pay for camp.

Camp is not a luxury anymore because the definition of luxury, especially to a teenager, is a privilege that only a small percent of society has.
Let's not discuss why camp became a necessity but it is.

OP, you dont owe your kids a fun summer but you do owe them to not make a child do something very different than her peers. It is never a smart move in chinuch.

Can she go for the second half of camp?

eschaya

Thu, Jun 28 2018, 1:27 am

LovesHashem wrote:

This is what we did. We told dd how much we'd be willing/able to pay, and we told her that we'd gladly sign her up if she commits to paying the rest. She babysits, has made erev yom tov and pre-camp camps, saves birthday gifts, etc. She will now be going for her 3rd summer. If it's worthwhile enough to your dd, help her find a way that she can work together with you to make camp feasible. And besides for it actually being affordable, I find that dd appreciates the camp experience so much more than she would if it were handed to her on a silver platter. She really values every minute because she knows the time and effort it took to earn the privilege.

LovesHashem

Thu, Jun 28 2018, 1:52 am

eschaya wrote:

As a kid I went one summer on a scholarship and I loved it so much I really wanted to go back the next. I was from OOT and it was an amazing experience knowing there were more than 10 frum girls my age in the universe. My parents saw how much I needed it and my grandparents and they somehow got the money together. The summer after we had already moved to Israel and it was totally out of the picture.

I got my 2 summers, and they really helped shape the world for me. But then again I really needed it, we were a small family, and I was much younger, I couldn't of earned the money at 12.

LovesHashem

Thu, Jun 28 2018, 1:54 am

crust wrote:

You could say the say thing about standards in simchos, schoolbags, clothing, WHERE DOES IT END? You cannot spend money you DON'T HAVE, that in itself is awful chinuch.

If you don't have the money it's a luxury. And if you have a healthy happy home and a great attitude it IS good chinuch. Your DD will learn you need to be responsbile, Hashem gives people different things and if mom is happy she will see she can be happy too!

Bnei Berak 10

Thu, Jun 28 2018, 3:14 am

LovesHashem wrote:

Thank you for bringing it up! This is an excellent question that needs to be discussed more more frequently IMO.

amother

Powderblue

Thu, Jun 28 2018, 6:20 am

Next year OP will be going on 16, tottaly old enough to come of with the money for one half of camp.
As the poster above mentioned, Israeli american teens do it(I did.), and I had to raise the money for the ticket too!
Validate her feeling. Its really not easy to feel left out when your 15. And at a different opportunity (maybe once her friends are back in town) discuss next year. She has a good 8 months to prepare.
I don't know what camps cost now, but in my day TC (16 year olds) was 1200- 1400 a half.
If she earns 150$ a month she can cover it. And maybe you can chip in to cover the rest.
After that she will be a staff member.

amother

Bronze

Thu, Jun 28 2018, 6:43 am

amother wrote:

It's double that today.

amother

Vermilion

Thu, Jun 28 2018, 6:53 am

Teenagers are very tied into their peers. It's developmentally appropriate for a girl this age to be angry if she can't do what "everyone" is doing. That doesn't mean you have to give in, but it means that you have to recognize and appreciate that for her, this is a big sacrifice. Just knowing that you are proud of her will go a long way.

amother

Scarlet

Thu, Jun 28 2018, 6:57 am

Of course you don't. You do owe them guidance towards a safe, reasonable plan of what to do all day for ten weeks. Seeing as she has a job that takes up a good chunk of the day, I'd say you've got that down. I'm a little surprised this didn't come up sooner. Summer plans are generally made months in advance. Is this the first time she's complaining about it? Did she not mention it when she first heard her friends talking about camp? If so, she should have been given the option of earning camp money herself. Perhaps that is something she can start doing now for next summer.

amother

Orchid

Thu, Jun 28 2018, 6:58 am

crust wrote:

Justifying camp by saying the teen needs it is just calling a want a need. It is foolish to send a teen to camp with money you don't have. Those that do need a reset on what is a luxury.

It is horrible chinuch to teach kids to live above their means.

amother

Magenta

Thu, Jun 28 2018, 6:58 am

Here's a different take:
fun summers are not always a good thing. I grew up not religious in a well to do family (not very rich but we were always able to afford things). Every summer we would travel somewhere overseas for at least 1 month, staying in fancy hotels, in the pool all day, going to sites. And then the rest of the summer (month of August) I would just veg out watching TV, hanging out with friends in the mall, shopping, going out to eat, sleeping late, waking up late. But honestly, it was so boring and empty. I really hated it - even back then. I didn't want to work, as I did not need the money and did not want to wake up early.
I wish that my parents encouraged me to find a job (ie: make me work for the money I was easily spending) or do something productive with my 2.5 months (like volunteering in an old age home...)
I only started working when I was 20 years old, and it was really, really challenging to teach myself a work ethic and learn to be on time, hard working, etc.
My husband on the other hand grew up with parents who taught him that if he wants something fun or expensive - he needs to work for it. His first summer job was a paper route boy when he was 12, and since then, he worked basically ever summer and would have savings for the summer and throughout the year. I see this work ethic in him now, 20 years later, and am somewhat envious of it, as my "laid back" childhood/teenage years still plague my work ethic and I really need to push myself to get things done.

So overall:
I think working is healthy for teenagers and teaching them that we don't owe them everything instills in them good habits and determination that can last a lifetime.

champion

Thu, Jun 28 2018, 7:13 am

I am far far far from having a teen
(well maybe not that far given how fast the time flies...lol)
I think in general as a parent we 'owe' our children one thing. A safe envirement with the ability to develop life skills.
If you think about that in the terms of your situation you will realize that you can give her exactly that even though she is not going to camp.
You can give her the safety to feel dissappointed and left out, while providing her with the gift of coping with real life.
She has every right to feel angry and upset.
She has no right to react in ways that are disruptive or chuzpadik.
She can sulk and be sad. And you can validate that and even give her space to mourn.
But you can also feel okay with the fact that you cannot afford it. And she will gain a valuable lesson on living inside her means.
You might want to brainstorm with her on ways she can feel 'pampered' in the city. This will do her good now, and give her a good coping mechanism for the future.
Much luck to you and your daughter.
As much as its not easy for her to be different, I am sure it is just as hard for you.
I am sure you feel really bad, and hey thats life Wink

hugs to you both.