Teenager with big mouth.....dh’s Friend comments...what to d

amother

Red

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 9:38 pm

Please help me break up this incident and better understand the situation and how to approach it to parent my teenager properly.

This incident happened at my dh workplace were my dtr came after camp hours and there were other employees there.

My teenager was in hurry and was begging her dad to close up shop and as he got held up by more new costumers she yelled ou “ why are stupid people here....close the store already”. I don’t know exact words since I was not there and how loud she was but my husbands friend who was there commented as follows “ you used to be shy what happened,.....I have new name for you ....complainer. To which my daughter then replied “well then your name is an idiot”.

My husband believes his friend did nothing wrong and my dtr should watch her tongue.

I do agree that my dtr needs to keep her mouth closed but I also furious that his friend who is in his 40...single....not even a father buds in and tries to parent my child

He also makes comments to my younger days such as “ hey your skirt is dirty”.

I told my dh that his friend is criticizing our dtrs and dh is not telling him to back off

Tried to discuss this with dh now but he is claiming I am making big deal out of this and I have a problem no one else

amother

Sienna

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 9:44 pm

He wasn't trying to parent your child. He was teasing her. Which depending on your social scene may, or not, be appropriate. (Parenting her would have been calling her aside and telling her what she said in the store was totally inappropriate and she should apologize to everyone in the store including her father).

amother

Red

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 9:47 pm

amother wrote:

He wasn't trying to parent your child. He was teasing her. Which depending on your social scene may, or not, be appropriate.

No to me it’s not the norm. My kids are raised as bais yakovs and I told my husband he needs to stop his friend from trying to talk/ comments to her about herself. But he doesn’t agree with me

octopus

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 9:52 pm

I would be horrified if my teen acted like this in public. I wouldn't defend your teens behavior at all. Not only did she embarrass herself in front of customers, she didn't stop and continued to name call. I don't think the 40 year old friend goaded her on more, you teen was on a roll already. If you don't want this guy talking to your daughter that is a separate issue. If your husband refuses to say anything, there is nothing to do about it. I think it's best if you leave situation alone.

Last edited by octopus on Tue, Jul 03 2018, 9:53 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Red

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 9:53 pm

amother wrote:

It's very hard to judge a situation like that if you weren't actually there. What does your daughter say? What does DH say? Is he the type to ignore things that should be taken seriously, or not?

My dtr complain to me about it. I believe she was fed up with this friend being there because for as long as she knows him he always tries to comment or criticize her. My dh ignores this.

amother

Mistyrose

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 9:53 pm

amother wrote:

My teenager was in hurry and was begging her dad to close up shop and as he got held up by more new costumers she yelled ou “ why are stupid people here....close the store already”. I don’t know exact words since I was not there and how loud she was but my husbands friend who was there commented as follows “ you used to be shy what happened,.....I have new name for you ....complainer. To which my daughter then replied “well then your name is an idiot”.

Your husband's friend was out of line. Your daughter's comeback to him was spot on, given that his comment was out of line.

amother

Silver

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 9:54 pm

I don't get why you're so bothered by his friends comment.
Your daughter was disturbing everyone in the office and he said something. Maybe he shouldn't have, but I'm not sure why you're more bothered by his words than your daughters.

And I'm RW bais yaakov type too.

soap suds

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 9:54 pm

I wouldn't call the skirt comment criticizing. He may have meant it to be helpful, as in making her aware of it so she can clean it off before she goes out again. Of course tone of voice and context would clue you in on that. Hard to judge if you weren't there.

amother

Red

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 9:55 pm

octopus wrote:

I don’t know how loud she was. When asked she said she was out of site and no one heard her. My dh said people might have heard her. In general I always teaches her to not be loud and not name call.

amother

Sienna

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 9:55 pm

amother wrote:

No to me it’s not the norm. My kids are raised as bais yakovs and I told my husband he needs to stop his friend from trying to talk/ comments to her about herself. But he doesn’t agree with me

I'll leave the 'should adult males be talking to our daughters' discussion with your husband.

You started the post about your daughter. Has your husband spoken with her about what happened re her two outbursts? Seems like this is a parenting moment for him, not you.

amother

Cyan

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 9:56 pm

amother wrote:

My dtr complain to me about it. I believe she was fed up with this friend being there because for as long as she knows him he always tries to comment or criticize her. My dh ignores this.

Why was the friend there? Does he work there?

I don't really understand why your daughter was badgering her father at work in front of customers. Seems to me she needs to be taught some boundaries.

amother

Mistyrose

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 9:56 pm

I wouldn't waste time arguing with husband about whether he's right or wrong. I would expect a dad to tell his friend to back off of his daughter, to keep his comments to himself. Maybe your dh is uncomfortable asking his friend to back off. I would leave it alone and just support your daughter when she talks to you about it.

If she wants, she can take it up with dad. She can say, hey dad, when your friend talks to me like that, can you please defend me or ask him to back off?

amother

Red

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 9:57 pm

amother wrote:

Your husband's friend was out of line. Your daughter's comeback to him was spot on, given that his comment was out of line.

Well that’s exactly what I said so far as respond. I told my dtr you do not say what you said but since the friend buds in with his bad comments he deserved to be called idiot

octopus

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 9:59 pm

amother wrote:

Well that’s exactly what I said so far as respond. I told my dtr you do not say what you said but since the friend buds in with his bad comments he deserved to be called idiot

You just gave your daughter a mixed message.

amother

Sienna

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 10:00 pm

amother wrote:

My dtr complain to me about it. I believe she was fed up with this friend being there because for as long as she knows him he always tries to comment or criticize her. My dh ignores this.

So - next time you see him tell him to please stop teasing your daughter - and provide examples of what you are talking about.

amother

Red

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 10:00 pm

amother wrote:

Why because as I said to my dh. My dh was supposed to comment to her in parenting way and not allow his friend who never raised a child and had no clue how to deal with sensitive moody teenagers to comment with criticism

amother

Sienna

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 10:02 pm

amother wrote:

Well that’s exactly what I said so far as respond. I told my dtr you do not say what you said but since the friend buds in with his bad comments he deserved to be called idiot

No he didn't.

amother

Sienna

Tue, Jul 03 2018, 10:03 pm

amother wrote:

Your husband was busy dealing with customers, no?