Lakewood peer pressure

amother

Ruby

Mon, Jul 16 2018, 6:37 am

amother wrote:

Lakewood has a peer pressure that stands out because they live very close to each other in developments.

What does that have to do with it? Theyre not any more squished than on any street in BP.

amother

Pumpkin

Mon, Jul 16 2018, 6:52 am

As someone who lives OOT and comes to Lakewood two or three times a year for shopping, to an outsider the emphasis on looks and gashmiyus is unbelievable. The way people (but especially the women and kids) are dressed to go the supermarket is ridiculous. If you live there, you probably can't see it.

It is not that any one person is not dressed according to the letter of the law in a tznius manner. (I don't care about the length of your sheital), it is the time people spend thinking about, the money they spend, on how they look that is antithesis to leading a life where the first thought is Hashem.

For those of you who say, it's not peer pressure, it's for me, answer this truthfully, if you are home for the day and know you will not see a single person outside your immediate family do you dress fully with full makeup, heels, accessories, sheitel? If the answer is no, then you are not doing it for yourself, you are doing it for others.

amother

Ruby

Mon, Jul 16 2018, 7:10 am

amother wrote:

Maybe in Lakewood theres a competitiveness/peer pressure in "look" but not anywhere near the spending-peer pressure in BP (and even Willy) with the familiarity of Made in France brand names, with BP women who are far from the wealthiest, buying in places like Lew, etc.

amother

Pumpkin

Mon, Jul 16 2018, 7:18 am

amother wrote:

Maybe in Lakewood theres a competitiveness/peer pressure in "look" but not anywhere near the spending per pressure in BP (and even Willy) with the familiarity of Made in France brand names, with BP people who arent the wealthiest, buying in places like Lew, etc.

I've no idea, I go to Brooklyn maybe once a decade. But honestly, saying "It's not as bad as this other place" doesn't negate the issue.

The fact that grown women use the word "neb"about other women, is indicative of a world of peer pressure and lack of ahavas Yisrael. It is antithesis to the bracha of ma tovu. It is not about a lack of tznius it is about a lack of putting HKBH at the top of your world of what is important. It is about teaching your children what is truly important.
Every time I see a post about what backpack, socks, hair accessory etc is in, because these things are how their kinderlach are judged, I want to cry. How about thinking about what middos are in? How about teaching that it is antithesis to Torah to judge on looks. Sheker HaChen.

amother

Ruby

Mon, Jul 16 2018, 7:28 am

amother wrote:

I dont think theres any community outside of the Hari Krishna and Moonies that doesnt follow fashion and trends. Can you name one frum community not into clothing spending? Meah Shearim maybe?

amother

Bronze

Mon, Jul 16 2018, 7:28 am

There is a huge range of ppl dressed all different ways here. It’s not either you’re dressed to the nines or in a snood and sneakers! I myself would never go out in a snood, but wear cute comfortable clothes and sneaker shoes, hardly any makeup... and I find majority of women around are dressed more like me than any of the other descriptions given. But then again I don’t live in a development so maybe I don’t see it?

amother

Ruby

Mon, Jul 16 2018, 7:31 am

amother wrote:

Arent the Lakewood developments where the houses are smaller and cheaper and the women spend less than the neighborhoods with the huge houses?

PinkFridge

Mon, Jul 16 2018, 7:37 am

amother wrote:

There is nothing wrong with woman looking good in Lakewood. Lakewood happens to be a town where a lot of young men made a lot of money. Why are we only complaining about how woman look? What about the homes going up or the cars everyone is driving or the vacations pple are taking why is it always the woman's fault with everything. If your hsiabkd makes a comment to you about woman looking good he is trying to hint to you that you should put more effort into the way you dress.

Why stop there?
In the spirit of the Nine Days, let's take this thread even further!!!!

PinkFridge

Mon, Jul 16 2018, 7:39 am

amother wrote:

Totally agree he was way out of line. Absolutely. I will say though, that he is frustrated because, due to medical reasons, he hasn't had as much attention as he's needed. He's drawn pretty thin and bad behavior was exhibited. Despite that absolutely idiotic comment that he had to really make up for, he's a pretty nice guy most of the time.

And amother, I agree with you -- a woman is allowed to look nice. But when the sheitel is too long, the skirt too short and the shirt too tight, there's a problem. It may not be YOUR problem, baruch Hashem, but in[...], I do think it is a common problem.

I think that there are two different things. There's the tznius challenge of the too tight/too long/too short, and then there's the pressure to just look perfect all the time. It's like a fifties sitcom, heels and pearls and all.

Next up: Jello molds!

PinkFridge

Mon, Jul 16 2018, 7:42 am

amother wrote:

Yes, they were hurtful and they were wrong, and I know and he knows it and has been trying everything to get on my good side again...

He's not a total jerk the vast majority of the time. Really not.

So don't go and tell me to divorce him or get therapy or yada yada. I know the whole imamother spin.

No, amother. We need to rake him over the coals and dissect the state of your marriage. I think I'm going to start an amother-enabled thread with a survey: Have you or your husband ever said something stupid to each other in the course of your marriage.
You will see that you truly are the only one on the planet.

( Wink

)

amother

Ginger

Mon, Jul 16 2018, 7:42 am

amother wrote:

Arent the Lakewood developments where the houses are smaller and cheaper and the women spend less than the neighborhoods with the huge houses?

Maybe that’s how they can afford to spend so much on clothing. Or conversely that’s why they can only afford cheaper housing. Most of the very wealthy ppl I know don’t dress this way. It’s often the “kollel” crowd.

amother

Pearl

Mon, Jul 16 2018, 7:45 am

amother wrote:

“I'm so grateful to have found a neighborhood where mostly everyone dresses like I do, and nobody cares what I wear or dress my kids in (and most of the kids are running around in clothes from Target, WalMart, H&M, Zara, Gap...). And I'm also grateful to be at a stage of life where I don't really care what everyone else thinks about how I look.]”

Please tell me which neighborhood that is... I’m having a hard time keeping up with everyonelease tell me which neighborhood that is... I’m having a hard time keeping up with everyone

Baltimore!!! Sure, we have some people who dress in the NY/Monsey/Lakewood style. But for the most part, its a lot of to each their own, and lots of Target.

amother

Ruby

Mon, Jul 16 2018, 7:46 am

PinkFridge wrote:

No need for heels. The sought after (in the 5 towns and other places) $700 Valentino Rockstud shoes are flats.

benny

Mon, Jul 16 2018, 7:49 am

amother wrote:

I assume by kollel you mean newly married kollel crowd. (Which equates very young, probably well dressed because as a single girl and then Kallah they looked very good)
I highly doubt a longer term kollel wife can afford to keep this up very long... maybe a select few but definitely not the majority.

PinkFridge

Mon, Jul 16 2018, 7:51 am

amother wrote:

Yes, I will 100% agree that there is a problem when women dress that way, and yes, you will unfortunately see some of that in Lakewood. But the way you phrased it was "Can't you dress down a bit?" I think that's just the wrong way of putting it. I don't dress down, because it's important to me to look nice. But it is also important to me to look nice in a modest way. I don't think it's the "dressing up" that's the problem (because honestly, for every dressed up woman in Lakewood, I think you'll see another one dressed more comfortably), but dressing up in a provocative, immodest manner. That is for sure disturbing to see, especially in Lakewood.

Ah, maybe I should delete my previous post because I see you got here first with the chiluk of the hot Chani, and the woman dressed to the nines.
But I hear the poster's "Can't you dress down a bit." I would say, try to feel put together in your own way. If you can't afford to wear a sheitel all the time, get headgear you feel nice in. Maybe there's one thing that makes you feel put together - shoes vs. sneakers, always wearing earrings, not going out without eyeliner.
And develop your own sense of style. We're not living in Stepford, even if it feels that way soemtimes.

PinkFridge

Mon, Jul 16 2018, 7:52 am

amother wrote:

I have never given marital advice, but Id definitely

1- Call my husbands Rov and told him. DH would never forget it. This guy is really as shallow and insensitive as they get (if that post is real).

2- Id tell DH about all the men I fantasized about since were married, and analyzed what turned me on, in each case.

Thanks for sharing.

amother

cornflower

Mon, Jul 16 2018, 7:55 am

Totally true and disturbing. I'm originally from Brooklyn, yet going to Lakewood in recent years has been disconcerting. The fact that in this "kollel town" every single kid on the playground was dressed in exactly that month's style, almost like it's a religion. Sure, you have lots of fancy people in Brooklyn but there's also a huge range of stylishness or lack thereof, and you can always find your "crowd" to fit into. Lakewood seems to be much more homogeneous. Even in the snood and sneakers, it's that year's snood and that year's sneakers. Uniforms for everyone!

When it came time for us to get out of Brooklyn we moved to Monsey instead of Lakewood for this reason among others. We discovered that Monsey has its own issues of peer pressure, but I still think Lakewood is it's own level of groupthink and keeping up with the Joneses when it comes to gashmiyus, which is sad considering how the town got started.

We need Moshiach ASAP. Until then, we need a local tri-state community with affordable housing where people are simple, dress simply, and care about the important things in life.

PinkFridge

Mon, Jul 16 2018, 7:56 am

amother wrote:

No need for heels. The sought after () $700 Valentino Rockstud shoes are flats.

I'm offended*. Of course I know that women don't wear heels during the week. But the fifties sitcom moms did.

*No, not really.