The Surrendered Wife: What's the deal on it?

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Ruchel

Tue, Jul 24 2018, 11:04 am

If I'm seeing my husband making a mistake I am NOT saying nothing.
I hope he would say something to me too.

mommy201

Tue, Jul 24 2018, 11:43 am

There is a Jewish version of the book called "To relinquish Control" written by a famous kallah teacher is Israel with haskamas.
The concept is that the only person you can control is yourself and not your husband and we don't realize how much we control others. It is actually very empowering. It's not only about finances. It's a way of living. It is hard but is so worth it. It seems that many people have okay or decent marriages, but wouldnt you want to have an awesome marriage?!

mommy201

Tue, Jul 24 2018, 11:49 am

If someone's husband has a serious issue then the book is probably not for them. But for a somewhat normal marriage, even with someone who bounces checks and won't fix a leak. The concept is taking a step back and giving your husband control where he feels in charge and will probably learn to take more responsibility. Many times, we as wives dont allow our husbands to take responsibility and there are many ways that we show this. Sometimes, husbands assume, my wife will take the fall/ take control of everything so they dont feel a need to step up to the plate. The controlling wife actually makes them retreat and distance themselves from us.
Every normal man wants to take care of his wife and children. we need to give them the power/control to do that.

amother wrote:

There are plenty of books/articles where I find stuff I don't agree with, but I will not read this book (or more importantly, I hope my husband and sons never do) because I think some things are dangerous. Just like I wouldn't read a book by a Gazan justifying launching rockets on Israel (not that I'm comparing her book to terrorism).

Some examples I've heard (again- I have not read this, so it's possible I may be misunderstanding) is you give total control to your husband over certain aspects of marital life and the marital home. Say finances and repairs. So even if he's a lazy good for nothing and isn't calling a roof repair guy, you may not say anything or hint anything, just smile insipidly at him for being your dear dear dh. The roof can cave in, he can bounce every check, but you just have to smile and take it because if you say something, he might feel bad.

I'm sure she doesn't discuss that exact scenario in her book, but that is its logical conclusion.
Now I get the whole -don't critize, don't take control over every aspect of the marriage, let him do his thing, respect him- blah blah- and I agree with it. Just it seems like she takes it to a whole 'nother level of extremism.

amother

Tan

Tue, Jul 24 2018, 12:00 pm

mommy201 wrote:

whats hard? I didn't go into my marriage thinking I would control my husband. Not sure why that is the default for so many women.

In the same way - my husband doesn't control me.

Help me understand what makes your marriage 'awesome'.

Ruchel

Tue, Jul 24 2018, 12:18 pm

I just asked my husband if he's rather not be told he will make a mistake. He said of course he wants to know

amother

Tan

Tue, Jul 24 2018, 12:30 pm

mommy201 wrote:

Lets unpack what "takes care of his wife" means.

ra_mom

Tue, Jul 24 2018, 12:32 pm

I like the way gp2.0 puts it:

gp2.0 wrote:

The book is geared mostly toward women with strong, assertive personalities (who can be introverts btw) but it also works for anyone who finds themselves caught in a frustrating cycle where your husband is generally a good guy but never seems to get anything done and you keep finding fault with him.

And...it works. When you stop telling your husband how, when, where and why to do things, it turns out he's perfectly capable of figuring it out all on his own, and he becomes the confident take-charge leader you were hoping he'd become while you were nagging him to get off his chair and get things done.

gp2.0 wrote:

Also, the book suffers from poor marketing. Yes, a title like "surrendered wife" will make people take notice, but it will alienate a lot of people it could help who are so disgusted by the title, they won't even read the book.

Surrendered wife doesn't mean a wife who surrenders to her husband.

Surrendered wife means a wife who surrenders her urge to control.

iluvy

Tue, Jul 24 2018, 12:37 pm

Wouldn't this be very much more conducive to good marriages if it were gender netural?

amother wrote:

The "Surrendered Spouses" movement is centered on six basic principles:

a spouse relinquishes control of their spouse's life
they respect their spouse's decisions for their own life
they practice good self-care (they do at least three things a day for their own enjoyment)
they practice expressing gratitude (thanking their spouse for the things they do)
a surrendered spouse is not afraid to show their vulnerability
they trust each other to handle household finances

Quote:

Every normal ~~man~~ person wants to take care of ~~his wife~~ their spouse and children. we need to give them the power/control to do that.

Are you seriously saying that you as a woman do not want to take care of your husband and children?

Quote:

a wife should restore her husband to the natural place of head of household

The idea of a "natural" head of household is like "natural" childbirth. It's extremely painful and dangerous to women, a tragic curse from Chava's sin, and B"H B"H B"H we don't have to put up with it anymore.

mammale

Tue, Jul 24 2018, 12:37 pm

mommy201 wrote:

So interesting. Who is the author? Is it available online?

Simple1

Tue, Jul 24 2018, 12:40 pm

iluvy wrote:

Wouldn't this be very much more conducive to good marriages if it were gender netural?

The idea of a "natural" head of household is like "natural" childbirth. It's extremely painful

This. Why isn't the advice gender neutral?

amother

Maroon

Tue, Jul 24 2018, 12:46 pm

Simple1 wrote:

This. Why isn't the advice gender neutral?

I agree.

I don’t understand the focus on control, anyway. I don’t control DH, and he doesn’t control me. We are equal partners - and our marriage is awesome!

pause

Tue, Jul 24 2018, 12:46 pm

amother wrote:

So please explain how it works in the book. It is DH's job to run the finances. But he's doing an awful job and bouncing checks and ruining our credit. Please explain where I go from there. Thanks.

Giving over the finances is the LAST thing. It is only meant to be done after you've successfully implemented all other facets of this approach.

pause

Tue, Jul 24 2018, 12:49 pm

Simple1 wrote:

This. Why isn't the advice gender neutral?

1) The book is written by a woman for women. You can only change yourself, and this books explains how changing yourself can change the whole dynamics in your relationship.

2) Men and women are different.

mrs me

Tue, Jul 24 2018, 1:03 pm

simba wrote:

I personally have not read it but have heard a lot about it. You can learn the same concepts through a Torah source if you really want to. Unfortunately no one went and collected all the Torah sources and presented them this well.

I recently joined a series of shiurim by Mrs. Mindy Koenig from BP. She basically taught the same action items through Torah sources and I really appreciated that.

If you trust yourself to sift through it and find what works for you and not just follow it blindly then I don't see any harm in reading it.

Someone actually did take all the concepts and write them with Torah sources. The book is called To Relinquish Control

amother

Tan

Tue, Jul 24 2018, 1:07 pm

amother wrote:

I agree.

I don’t understand the focus on control, anyway. I don’t control DH, and he doesn’t control me. We are equal partners - and our marriage is awesome!

Similar... the book isn't for us. what bugs me is this overall insistence that everyone needs to read it and it will improve all marriages (unless there is a abusive dh or similar)

amother

Tan

Tue, Jul 24 2018, 1:09 pm

pause wrote:

Giving over the finances is the LAST thing. It is only meant to be done after you've successfully implemented all other facets of this approach.

But why is it needed? Why, should, a woman relinquish control over the finances, what is the objective?

pause

Tue, Jul 24 2018, 1:13 pm

amother wrote:

Similar... the book isn't for us. what bugs me is this overall insistence that everyone needs to read it and it will improve all marriages (unless there is a abusive dh or similar)

Honestly, you can't know if something is for you or not until AFTER you read it. I don't care if you read it or not, but don't disparage something you have no knowledge about.

What bugs me is when people are anti something about which they have no freakin' clue. You're not interested in reading it because it seems like it isn't for you? No problem. But to say that you won't benefit from it because you don't control your DH ? That's just dumb. Because until you don't READ it, you won't know that the book is not only for women who control their DHs...

Ruchel

Tue, Jul 24 2018, 1:13 pm

I'm all for men being men. But for some of them, not telling them to fix the toilet may lead to him not fixing the toilet... Or doing it wrong while you're a plumber's daughter and you just know how. Or whatever exemple. Sometimes it's simply a matter of opinion, and why would you always give up yours? We are humans, it's a natural need to control some things. Why is it bad per se? Not talking of annoying people just someone wanting something... why is it ok to always give up because you're a woman? each couple needs to figure it out

pause

Tue, Jul 24 2018, 1:15 pm

amother wrote:

But why is it needed? Why, should, a woman relinquish control over the finances, what is the objective?

I'm getting frustrated here. How about READING the book, instead of asking me to explain her whole philosophy in a single post?

mommy201

Tue, Jul 24 2018, 1:21 pm

mammale wrote:

So interesting. Who is the author? Is it available online?

It is not sold in stores. Im trying to find the phone number or email to contact for it. Ill let you know if I'm successful.

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