How would you handle this?

amother

Babypink

Tue, Jul 24 2018, 6:32 pm

My BIL is a very sweet person. He just turned 30. He and my sister have several kids. Unfortunately my BIL is a very simple minded person. He doesn't get things or pick things up quickly. He's always had a menial office job in-spite of his desire to earn a better living because he has very little skills. Any good field that would require thinking, studying, and deep understanding is not for him. He's also not a good talker so sales is not his thing. Anyway my sister, who seems oblivious to his shortcomings as she is the same way, was telling me that now that he's 30, it's time he start earning real money so that he can take care of his family. He says the same thing. This is goal # 1. It's so admirable that they want to achieve this instead of asking parents and in laws to make up the shortfall. However I think it would take a miracle for him to get a good paying job because he lacks skills and doesn't have the capacity to learn them. Even if he could go to college, at this point the family depends in his low paying job and he couldn't quit anyway. I want to tell my sister the her husband is a super guy with many qualities but they are setting themselves up for disappointment. I don't know how to articulate without it coming out that I'm saying her husband is dumb. Advice?

amother

Babypink

Tue, Jul 24 2018, 6:55 pm

mom39 wrote:

Why do you think it is your place to say anything? If the parents think they should say something they should find out how to say it but it certainly is NOT your business!

Because the past few weeks my sister has been asking for advice on how her husband can get a better job. They both say that so many others have decent jobs, why not him? This topic is constantly coming up.

amother

Denim

Tue, Jul 24 2018, 6:56 pm

No offense to your opinion of them but my brilliant dh barely covers our rent cuz he's only working part time and the other part scheming for big bucks. His problem? Not motivated enough and can't get his act together.( great marriage bh he knows his shortcomings...) My point is that- my dh was analyzing other fairly successful people and came up with a common denominator- tenacity!
Let them figure it out! My not so bright sister married her not so bright dh who was raking in millions within10 yrs working hard and being stupidly fearless. Bil sounds motivated so have a little faith!

amother

Powderblue

Tue, Jul 24 2018, 7:01 pm

Either way she will be disappointed. Either by hearing your analysis of the situation, or if he can't find a job.

However, if you let them try to find a better-paying job, there's always the possibility of a miracle, AND her husband saves face. You are not sparing her anything by telling her that you think that he won't find a job.

amother

Mint

Tue, Jul 24 2018, 8:39 pm

So u really think he is that "stupid" that he cant get a better job?? First of all, I wonder how much of your opinion is just your judgement which could be wrong or is it the reality??

He could learn to be a good talker so he may be good in sales. He also may be good in things with his hands"""....

U have very little faith in him, but its good your sis believes in him. Your sister asked u for job ideas.SHE DID NOT ASK U FOR YOUR OPINION ABOUT HER DH'S ABILITIES. dont tell her your opinion. If you have no jobs for her dh, just say u cant think of any. For your information, when a relative asks another relative for help with something, they do not want to hear the relative's negative opinion of their lack of abilities. Do u look down on your sis and bil for "not being bright enough"? Do u think they are "nebachs" and that they will never be able to live indep. Of parental support?? I hope u dont think this low of them.

Simple1

Tue, Jul 24 2018, 8:54 pm

amother wrote:

Love this post!

WhatFor

Tue, Jul 24 2018, 10:17 pm

Can you please explain? Do you think that all people in well-paying professional jobs are intelligent? As someone who works in a very professional environment, have I got news for you....

Every person has something to offer. If you cannot see what he's good at, just say you're sorry, you don't know of any openings for him. Your opinion of his capacities is just your opinion. It doesn't mean it's a bad opinion. It just means that you are blinded to what he has to offer and therefore you're not qualified to find him a job. Maybe someone else has the capacity to see what he can offer and they can help.

But I cannot see what help it would improve anyone's situation if you shared your opinion as though it was an objective reality.

amother

Ecru

Tue, Jul 24 2018, 10:28 pm

I went to school with a guy that was so dumb he never matriculated because he missed one of the finals because he turned up on the wrong day . But he started a business he was interested in and just 10 yrs later he hosted the HS reunion in his $11.5M house.

If he doesn't try he'll never know what could be.

amother

Amber

Tue, Jul 24 2018, 10:30 pm

My dh is brilliant, was top in his class and has fantastic social skills. He failed at the business he ambitiously opened and sweated over and we are now deeply in debt. Meanwhile I see people who aren’t bright, are socially awkward etc are raking it in. You need mazel above everything. He might be a very lucky guy and strike it rich. Please keep your mouth shut

amother

Babypink

Tue, Jul 24 2018, 10:55 pm

WhatFor wrote:

[u]

Good question. My dh boss actually is not very bright. He attends meetings and conferences and gives the exact same 90 second presentation every time. For the rest of the meeting he pretends to take notes while doodling most of the time. He even has some rehearsed questions that he tells his employees to ask him during the meeting so that he can answer and sound intelligent. His take home pay last year was just under a million, Did I mention his father owns the company?
Anyway, to answer your question, no, not everybody in a well paying job is intelligent. But I would say that overwhelmingly they fall into 1 of 3 categories.
1. Book smart, went to college and got a degree.
2. Good shmoozer/salesman. Can talk there way to the finish line.
3. Relative/friend got them the job.

Of course it's possible to get a well paying job without fitting in to any of these 3 categories, but it's much more difficult.

amother

Lavender

Tue, Jul 24 2018, 11:06 pm

amother wrote:

[u]

Good question. My dh boss actually is not very bright. He attends meetings and conferences and gives the exact same 90 presentation every time. For the rest of the meeting he pretends to take notes while doodling most of the time. He even has some rehearsed questions that he tells his employees to ask him during the meeting so that he can answer and sound intelligent. His take home pay last year was just under a million, Did I mention his father owns the company?
Anyway, to answer your question, no, not everybody in a well paying job is intelligent. But I would say that overwhelmingly they fall into 1 of 3 categories.
1. Book smart, went to college and got a degree.
2. Good shmoozer/salesman. Can talk there way to the finish line.
3. Relative/friend got them the job.

Of course it's possible to get a well paying job without fitting in to any of these 3 categories, but it's much more difficult.

I disagree. I know someone that's not so smart and is earning a lot of money being a truck driver.
I know someone else who opened a business and earning a lot. He failed through school and can't even read decently.

Now I'm thinking that your BIL can become a truck/trailer driver. Long distance from State to state. It's a very well paying feild.

Leriem

Tue, Jul 24 2018, 11:20 pm

amother wrote:

One thing I think everyone here is missing is that parnassah comes straight from G-d. A person needs only to do hishtadlut and the rest is decided by G-d.

amother

Saddlebrown

Tue, Jul 24 2018, 11:23 pm

amother wrote:

I disagree. I know someone that's not so smart and is earning a lot of money being a truck driver.
I know someone else who opened a business and earning a lot. He failed through school and can't even read decently.

Now I'm thinking that your BIL can become a truck/trailer driver. Lonf distance from State to state. It's a very well paying feild.

Also government employees.
Those jobs are usually secure and have great benefits.

If he's good with his hands or putting things together, companies like con ed or Verizon (laying wires) usually pay decently and have good benefits.