DS ruining our summer

amother

Cerise

Sat, Jul 28 2018, 3:44 pm

I don’t feel I’m strong enough emotionally anymore to deal with my DS. He has anxiety and depression and mood dysregulation disorder. These are different diagnoses from different psychiatrists. We have yet to find a therapist that works for us and he has a new psychiatrist. He is so impulsive and does so many things that are ambarrassing to us. He can’t sit through a meal with us. If he gets mad, he is liable to say or do anything to make a point. He is mad frequently because either someone did something he perceived as an insult or he is mad about receiving consequences for over the top unacceptable behavior. He doesn’t care about shul or ravening. He doesn’t care about making a spectacle of himself in public. On a family trip this summer he basically made every day miserable due to his demands. And our other kids are getting frazzled as well. He is affecting all of us.

grace413

Sat, Jul 28 2018, 3:55 pm

How old is he and how old are your other kids?

I understand that it's frustrating but you have to not worry about being embarrassed but worried about helping your DS get his behavior under control.

Is he on medication?

Hope you will soon find a therapist you are happy with because that will be essential in helping him.

Hatzlacha.

amother

Cerise

Sat, Jul 28 2018, 4:07 pm

He’s on meds and has tried a number of them. What I have found with therapists through our insurance plan is that they seem to be there to get a paycheck but none have really seemed to make a connection. Either they can’t or don’t care too. By the way, he is 11.

He title of my post seems very superficial but it’s what I’m living through at the moment.

grace413

Sat, Jul 28 2018, 4:12 pm

If you are in the Jerusalem I have both a psychologist and a psychiatrist to recommend to you. Yes, they are private and not cheap but I guarantee that they are fine people and not in it just for the money.

Feel free to pm me.

amother

Orchid

Sat, Jul 28 2018, 4:59 pm

My son is 11 and we (both he and the whole family) are having a very hard time. He has very low frustration tolerance and poor impulse control, which results in meltdowns several times a day, usually involving violence against his siblings and/or me, and damage to possessions. He has just been diagnosed with mood dysregulation disorder and will start medication this week, and hopefully start therapy soon as well. It's been a long route to get here, most of it feeling like we were off the map and didn't know who to ask for directions.

All that said, I love him so much, and see so much potential in him. When not in a crazy meltdown, he can be affectionate and empathetic.

Sending you hugs and strength. Hatzlacha for both of our sons. May Hashem send the right shlichim. It's not easy.

amother

Orchid

Sat, Jul 28 2018, 5:08 pm

amother wrote:

I don’t feel I’m strong enough emotionally anymore to deal with my DS.

And to add to what I wrote above: I have felt this many, many times. TBH I probably will again and again in the future. DS 11 was away overnight and DS 9, who suffers from thr brunt of DS 11's rages, said he doesn't want him to come back Crying

I have secretly wished that I was not his mother Crying

I have turned to Hashem and said, can't do it anymore, I'm handing in my resignation. You're not alone.

But I'm still on the job, and so are you Hug

I have to believe that I'm the mother he needs, and he's the child I'm supposed to have.

amother

Goldenrod

Sat, Jul 28 2018, 10:19 pm

OP have you seen a pandas specialist with your child? It sounds like he has a classic case and the only path to healing it treating the underlying cause.

amother

Magenta

Sat, Jul 28 2018, 11:59 pm

I so understand. My son is 20 yrs old and still acting in a similar way. We've been seeing therapists and psychiatrists since he's 5. He's made lots of progress but is still so miserable. He is so talented, brilliant, caring, likeable... all maalos, yet struggles with extreme anxiety, and regulation.
The sad thing is, that his siblings hate when he's around. He makes everyone miserable including me and my husband.
I cry to hashem to help him settle down. I am in so much pain from the situation. I love him dearly but can't have him home. He knows how much I love him and that I'm his greatest ally... basically I'll do anything for him, and I'll always be there for him.
At this point, he's gotta do his work to become more functional.
I don't mean to hijack the thread... I just really get the op.
I bench her to have tremendous koach and seichel. And... take out time to care for yourself. You really need that!!

ra_mom

Sun, Jul 29 2018, 12:42 am

amother wrote:

OP have you seen a pandas specialist with your child? It sounds like he has a classic case and the only path to healing it treating the underlying cause.

Why would you say this? Where does OP say that he was fine all his life until 1 day there was a very sudden abrupt change?

amother

Rose

Sun, Jul 29 2018, 1:23 am

amother wrote:

I sent my impulsive and challenging DS to camp the entire summer to give everyone a break. Worth every penny.

amother

Orchid

Sun, Jul 29 2018, 8:10 am

amother wrote:

I sent my impulsive and challenging DS to camp the entire summer to give everyone a break. Worth every penny.

A regular camp or one specifically for challenging kids?

amother

Rose

Sun, Jul 29 2018, 8:29 am

amother wrote:

A regular camp or one specifically for challenging kids?

A regular camp. My DS is BH pretty much ok in school. He doesn't get sent out of class and we dont get calls from the rebbe or principal. (Well, only once a year)

We have sent ds to camp last year for half a summer. He loved it and wanted to go back for a full summer.

I have so spoken to a psychologist now before camp. He said that DSs hormones is what is making his behavior difficult (he was allways a difficult child, but now it's worse. He got kicked out of playgroup and received play therapy) We are considering sending him for counseling, but not sure how to get DS to agree.

My DH and DS don't get along at all. DH blames DS for everything. It's not good. No wonder DS calls me at work and doesn't speak to DH at all. DH wants DS to go to a yeshiva with a dorm for HS. I don't think it's a good idea.

amother

Bisque

Sun, Jul 29 2018, 2:03 pm

As someone who grew up with an autistic brother (3 years younger than me) I will say this: my childhood was all about him. Family trips were a nightmare. Family meals were a nightmare. I will never resent my mother for not being available to me and I can't imagine what she must have gone through but all her strength and energy went into dealing with my brother.

Looking back, I wish there would have been more resources then like there are now. If you can send him to camp for the summer, do it. If you can send him to after school programs during the year, do it.

Do it for your own sanity, for your marriage, and for your family. Wishing you a lot of strength and may things get easier.

amother

Beige

Sun, Jul 29 2018, 2:24 pm

It all boils up to the same thing. There is no RCCS of mental health and noChai Lifeline, yet the siblings suffer a ton and parents suffer. No free respite shabbes, no free camp, no care packages chanuca etc. Mental health issues is shunned kept private costs amint. I made a chesed campaign but its hard to send to friends so I sent to very few people. So its there still open but not much of financial help even after verifiyng ( submiting hospital papers)

Last edited by amother on Wed, Aug 08 2018, 6:20 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Babyblue

Sun, Jul 29 2018, 3:53 pm

Op just know that most of us have that child that will always ruin the expensive vacation, and frankly everything else you try to do.
Just try to take it easy.

It helps me knowing that I’m not the only one.

amother

Goldenrod

Sun, Jul 29 2018, 4:14 pm

ra_mom wrote:

Why would you say this? Where does OP say that he was fine all his life until 1 day there was a very sudden abrupt change?

Every pandas specialist worth his title knows that the "sudden onset" part of the diagnostic criteria is misleading at best and simply untrue at worst. Many kids have a gradual onset, and many have onset so early on in their development that it's just missed. This causes many kids to go undiagnosed. Otherwise, the way OP describes her child, he fits the profile to a T.

ra_mom

Sun, Jul 29 2018, 7:10 pm

amother wrote:

While symptoms can be ignored or misdiagnosed for a while, the parents would still remember sudden onset if it's pandas or pans.

amother

Goldenrod

Mon, Jul 30 2018, 11:27 am

ra_mom wrote:

While symptoms can be ignored or misdiagnosed for a while, the parents would still remember sudden onset if it's pandas or pans.

I'm really not trying to be argumentative, but it makes me so sad and frustrated that even with people (and providers) who are pandas-aware, this sudden-onset belief is so widespread and common, yet in reality it's a total and complete misconception. It's simply not true. I said it before and I'll say it again. Many children have a gradual onset, and many have an onset so early in their life that it's missed.