Heavy pushback from school-vent

amother

Linen

Wed, Aug 15 2018, 8:03 pm

Ds was struggling terribly in the local yeshiva. We just got got a dx of adhd, learning disabilities & intermittent explosive disorder along with gross & fine motor and sensory issues.

They did not follow his Ifsp (as a private school they don't need to) & I fought for the few crumbs he got.

The teachers are often unqualified, and certainly not special ed teachers. He failed so many tests this year.

After years of running after the yeshiva to give him the services, trying to talk to the school psychologist - but being told he cant help, school meetings etc. We realized they just are not equipped to deal with him.

We are pulling him out to attend a special program, however it's a modern orthodox yeshiva.
When the local yeshiva found out they started major pushback.
We are getting non stop calls telling us it's not right, we need to be careful, what about his Jewish education etc.
At no point did any of the hanhala offer a way to help ds succeed in their school.

Im very frustrated and upset. Ds will still get a good jewish education and he will finally get a secular education as well as help with his other myriad issues (god willing).
If they can't or won't help him why make us crazy not to remove him to a better situation?!

MitzadSheini

Wed, Aug 15 2018, 8:38 pm

amother wrote:

We are getting non stop calls telling us it's not right, we need to be careful, what about his Jewish education etc.

...... Ds will still get a good jewish education and he will finally get a secular education as well as help with his other myriad issues (god willing).

If they can't or won't help him why make us crazy not to remove him to a better situation?!

Derech eretz kadmah lTorah.

Sounds to me they at the new school your son will get both, whereas where he is now he was getting neither. I think you are doing the right thing.

I would be curious how THEY would answer the question of why would they "make you crazy " if they cannot do anything to help.

amother

Linen

Wed, Aug 15 2018, 8:44 pm

Thank u for this much needed support!
This was not a decision made quickly nor lightly; and it's not an easy process. But we hope it will help him.

Dh is handling the phone calls so far, and he keeps asking why we need to come down to meetings, what are they trying to accomplish.
They have no clear answers , just vaguely to discuss if we are sure this is correct and what problems the new school will have etc.

ra_mom

Wed, Aug 15 2018, 8:50 pm

You have no reason to go down for meetings at a school your child won't be attending.

Frankly I'm surprised they're not just glad that others who have the tools to deal with his issues will be taking over.

amother

Linen

Wed, Aug 15 2018, 9:05 pm

The only reason Dh is responding is bec we have other kids in the school so he doesn't wish to antagonize them.

They want us to keep ds in their school but they don't have much to say once they hear it's a done deal.
Dh says after the school year starts & ds is settled in his new school we can talk, so they see we are not budging on this.

But it's adding a lot of unneeded stress and really not right.
I understand Jewish education is important, that's one reason why we looked for another yeshiva rather than going the public school route (although sometimes that is the only option & if that's what ds needed I would do it).
But it's not the only important thing.
A kid needs math, reading, social & emotional skills, writing etc.
Nor is it fair to pressure us into doing what they think is right, rather than what we & the specialists feel he needs.

WhatFor

Wed, Aug 15 2018, 11:56 pm

I'm curious if they'll be losing tuition money from your son not going there. They should be happy for him that he can go somewhere where he can have the potential to succeed.

Keeping a kid somewhere where they're set up for failure could be permanently detrimental to his self esteem and emotional health. Good for you for doing what's best for your son.

FranticFrummie

Thu, Aug 16 2018, 4:34 am

DD got expelled from her Jewish school in the middle of second grade. SECOND GRADE! How do you expel a child in second grade? For what? Learning disabilities, that's what.

Our only option was public school, where she thrived. The whole community gossiped about us for years. The shame is on them. DD got the help she needed, made nice friends, and her grades started to soar.

The way Jewish schools treat kids who need extra help is a shanda on a massive scale.

You do what's right, and hold your head up.

amother

Cerulean

Thu, Aug 16 2018, 4:54 am

You're doing what is best for your son, and that's what matters.

Now the question is about your other sons. Do you really want to entrust the chinuch of your children to people who would badmouth a Jewish school?

imasinger

Thu, Aug 16 2018, 5:13 am

You know what?

I'd encourage you two to meet with them at least once.

My guess is the people pushing for this meeting were not the same people as the ones who you spoke to over the years. Clarity and communication are good things.

Bring a written record of dates and details of all the times the folks at this school turned down your pleas for help and support.

You don't have to change your plans, but it might help others if they see and hear just how badly they have done, and what needs to change when a parent tells them of a diagnosis and an education plan.

You could even let them know that this year is a done deal, but the future is another story. Only if your DS has any interest in it, of course. If they can invite him to special events and maintain a connection with him, who knows?

amother

Beige

Thu, Aug 16 2018, 9:00 am

Dgs is in a more modern school than his parents would have planned. I don't want to share his dx.
I am so grateful for what the school is giving him. If his parents would have felt that public school was necessary under the circumstances I would have fully supported them. As it is they sent to a not Jewish camp that would maintain the positive growth during the year, and I fully supported that. I can't give them money, at least I can give them moral support.
I can see what Imasinger's saying. You might help someone else down the line too. But go into the school year with confidence and tefillos and I wish you all the best.

amother

Linen

Thu, Aug 16 2018, 9:33 am

The ppl we spoke to are actually some of the ones who we have spoken to or tried to over the years.
And frankly if the principal is calling without knowing the details, well maybe they should find out first.

Thank u for the support here, and to the amother emotionally supporting her children & grandchild, kol hakavod.

To the other women who went thru it too, I'm so sorry that you did. It's awful.

amother

Dodgerblue

Thu, Aug 16 2018, 9:46 am

Op, I'm sorry you and your son are struggling.

I live in a place where my kid goes to the main community school and we bh have great services for children who need extra help.
Every day I am more amazed and impressed. I wish I had such a school when I was growing up with dyslexia and learning disabilities!

It was HARD.

I cannot imagine what strength it took to do that.
As an adult who struggled with learning disabilities and other issues, and struggled thru the school system, THANK YOU for being such a good mother. You are doing the best thing for your son.
Modern isn't bad. Hashem has a plan for every individual.

Imagine, In a decade or two, one of his classmates will redt him his shidduch. Had he not gone to this school he would not have met his real bashert.... or many other reasons why he had to end up here.

You chose the best option for your child at this point. Daven for hatzlucha. And may he be happy and grow in all ways!

amother

Linen

Thu, Aug 16 2018, 11:02 am

Thank you for your chizzuk.
We do not have any support irl .
My parents & inlaws also are horrified w him going to a more modern school. My fil actually said who cares if he doesn't know basic math. (Ummm I'm talking basic multiplication & division here)
Do you know how much he is suffering & struggling? As well as the impact on his self esteem & behavior. They just dont get it.

WhatFor

Thu, Aug 16 2018, 11:16 am

amother wrote:

And that's why you were chosen to parent your son and not them. Tg he has a mother who will fight for his best interests.

InnerMe

Thu, Aug 16 2018, 11:30 am

amother wrote:

Good for you for doing what's right for your son.
It's hard when you don't have real life support.

amother

Purple

Thu, Aug 16 2018, 12:36 pm

amother wrote:

They are asking YOU to come to meetings?
Did I get that right??
All of a sudden they have time for you???

Wishing you and your dh much nachas from you son!
Just a small bit of advice I hope you won't mind. Instead of going to a meeting, how about you and dh take your son out somewhere nice. Or take each other out.