If a young teenager has a short term crisis...

amother

Ecru

Tue, Sep 04 2018, 5:53 pm

If a young teen has a short term crisis is it really over for them if they get help and turn themselves around very quickly? Not referring to boys, drugs or anything like that. More of an emotional crisis. Our experience is showing that there is no tolerance or acceptance in the Frum community and everyone is so quick to spread gossip even though they have no clue the details. Please share your thoughts on this! I would love to hear the other side!

Rappel

Tue, Sep 04 2018, 5:55 pm

Yes.

amother

Aubergine

Tue, Sep 04 2018, 6:01 pm

As someone who went through an emotional crisis in high school, did boys but not drugs and definitely had my time, I am now bh fully functional and healthy. Yes I continue to go to therapy but that’s because I have the luxury bh and I feel like I can still benefit because of regular stressors in life. Going through a phase at a young age like 15 doesn’t make you who you are. If anything, I was far more mature by the time I was dating than my friends and I have a much deeper appreciate for emotional health

amother

Royalblue

Tue, Sep 04 2018, 6:06 pm

amother wrote:

I think you are correct that there is no acceptance in the frum community even for a minor crises as a young teeneven if they turn themselves around. Perception is different than reality.

thunderstorm

Tue, Sep 04 2018, 6:35 pm

I'm not sure what kind of crisis you are referring to. We thought our 12 yr old was destroyed last year and thought he'd never recover. But Baruch HaShem he is a different person this year, literally the opposite of what we and everyone expected. His feelings were validated and he felt ready to prove that he could be the boy that can make everyone proud and so far he's doing a great job at it. This was a school related issue and a rebbe was the cause for my son's misery and emotional turmoil. The school fired the rebbe this year and the fact that this happened also made my son feel like he was "listened to" and heard.

amother

Ginger

Tue, Sep 04 2018, 6:35 pm

I had crises with three of my kids. Two were on meds, one short term and one for over a year.

We kept it quiet (this may be controversial but that was our decision). In one case the child was home for a few weeks or months til stabilized (see, I don't even remember clearly, it was a while ago. I did take off some time from work as child couldn't be left alone, then we hired s/o for a while). In one case a few days at home til meds kicked in. Those two saw therapists for a while. For the other one, we saw therapist ourselves for guidance, and didn't need to medicate, though looking at the child you'd have thought we should.

In one case we told the school child had mono & go easy when child comes back. Did they believe us? Doesn't matter, that was the official tale, and everyone pretended it was so.

They all did wonderful shidduchim. In one case we told the other side after 3 dates & while a few dropped the shidduch at that point, we were always on the lookout for those who'd be likely to say yes. At the end they mechutonim did speak to the doctor, I believe, and to us.

And as far as anyone know we are a normal family!

amother

Ecru

Tue, Sep 04 2018, 6:43 pm

What if it’s public and was child’s doing. But at the young age of 14. No school or camp will accept her because of her past. Even though she’s in a fantastic place, stronger and healthier than so many others her age.

So my question is what happens? By default do they end up failing because there’s no second chances?

thunderstorm

Tue, Sep 04 2018, 6:46 pm

amother wrote:

She may get a second chance in a school located in a different city. Did you try that?

amother

Ecru

Tue, Sep 04 2018, 7:09 pm

What if she needs her strong support system- parents family and Amazing therapist? Take her away from all that? She’s pretty young to leave home...

thunderstorm

Tue, Sep 04 2018, 7:21 pm

amother wrote:

What if she needs her strong support system- parents family and Amazing therapist? Take her away from all that? She’s pretty young to leave home...

If she is highschool age there are situations where highschool students study in a different city. They dorm by a family and probably could get therapy where she'd be located. It's hard for the parents but often it's best for the teen to get a new start where people are not as aware of the baggage she carries.

penguin

Tue, Sep 04 2018, 7:24 pm

You could homeschool for a semester and see how she does. At that point she might be ready to go away.

There are also families who uproot themselves to be in a place that meets their child's needs (see serial called Bricks and Ladders by Ariella Schiller in Binah Bunch? Mishpacha Junior?)

amother

Ecru

Tue, Sep 04 2018, 7:46 pm

penguin wrote:

We’ve thought of this, but have other children who are doing very well locally. It’s a really tough thing to do.
Do you know how much time it takes to build a strong relationship with a therapist? To start over is scary. And who is raising her? Some random family? I can’t fathom.
I’m not understanding the concept where a child/young teen can’t get a second chance in our community if they’ve already proven themselves to be healthy and capable, have a strong support system and have ppl to back it up.

No kidding ppl hide their issues under the rug. It’s so unfair.

amother

Mustard

Tue, Sep 04 2018, 10:09 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

It's almost impossible to do this with the communication the way it is these days.

OP, I think it is possible, it just takes time. She may need a few years to "prove herself."

amother

Bronze

Tue, Sep 04 2018, 10:44 pm

DD in HS had an emotional/mental health issue and was kicked out of school. Even though family, psychiatrist, therapist were all actively involved. Then school badmouthed her to other classmates. Sick sick allegedly frum school. You'd think they'd get it already. It's a sad time we live in now that everyone has to pretend to be perfect.

amother

Ecru

Tue, Sep 04 2018, 10:54 pm

amother wrote:

It's almost impossible to do this with the communication the way it is these days.

OP, I think it is possible, it just takes time. She may need a few years to "prove herself."

Exactly. Any school even across the country will do their research and hear about what happens. and we can’t even prove to them that she has an amazing support system that is working for her because she will have to give that all up if she’s leaves town. So why should they help if our own community isn’t willing? It’s not simple at all. And it’s really scary because what happens to these kids?

amother

Tangerine

Wed, Sep 05 2018, 9:32 am

Is there a Rabbi you can get involved, who can speak to the schools?

We should start a support group for mothers like us....My daughter developed a mood disorder at age 15. She had some strange-for-her behaviors (she realized something was wrong). The silver lining for us is that when things got bad enough for us to realize she needed help, it was over Y"T not in school....She missed a week of school after Y"T (like another poster, we pretended it was mono, advice of therapist) as medicine stabilized her, and she's back in school since then - 2nd year already.

It's tough though she has our full support, therapy, etc...but there are occasional ups and downs.

Hope things work out for your DD OP. I will daven for her. Hashem knows who she is.

amother

Ecru

Wed, Sep 05 2018, 10:22 am

Yes we do. The ppl in the know are really trying to help. I’ve come to realize the unfortunate reality that no one seems to listen to rabbanim these days.... it’s scary. Even the gedolim we’ve gone to for help and guidance have told us that no one listens to them. Maybe there are just too many issues going on out there that everyone is immune? I don’t understand it.

amother

Cerulean

Wed, Sep 05 2018, 10:58 am

Hi OP

This post is oddly comforting for me since I've been wondering the same thing. Same story line.

I do understand why the schools hesitate to listen to people as far as taking my kid. They have their own Daas Torah and aren't interested and cant listen to yours. While its certainly true that for my child taking her in and being warm is certainly the right thing, but they have to worry about their school and all the other children. From that perspective, they may get a different psak than you. Its complicated.

We did get advice from a very smart person that did help us. We were told to project to the school that while the child suffered, the parents and the home is very high functioning and will be behind the school in every way. He said that very often the parents are overwrought and it comes off as high strung as difficult. Sometimes the therapist is a bit too strong for the school. They are on the lookout for this and once they feel that way its very hard to combat.

But I'm always left with the question, do they know something I don't. The therapist says total recovery is possible, so why are the schools so nervous about a kid who is doing well now? What am I missing?

Fox

Wed, Sep 05 2018, 12:17 pm

Without knowing details which are obviously private, it's hard to know what would be helpful. However, I'll share my thoughts and experiences. Take away anything useful and ignore the rest.

When you're faced with any kind of a parenting nisoyon where the community is unsupportive or even hostile, I believe the key is to stop caring about stupid, shallow people. Which is difficult, of course, because stupid, shallow people are always the loudest.

My oldest DD, a"h, was born with a rare cranio-facial condition called Nager Syndrome. The challenges in caring for her or even suing our HMO in federal court were nothing compared to dealing with the gossip and hurtful ignorance coming from people who should have known better. I won't go into details about the various reactions and rumors, but they were brutal.

Ultimately, the only course of action was to brazen it out. I acted like none of it was a big deal and actively rejected pity. The stupid, shallow people eventually found other things to discuss and do so to this day. Cranio-facial syndromes can be fixed by a good plastic surgeon, but ugly middos go all the way to the bone.

My second oldest DD, Clementine, was not the docile kind of kid that is favored in schools. To give you an idea of her presence and personality, she was recently recruited rather aggressively by the FBI. She decided against it, feeling it wasn't a good career path for a frum woman, plus it would have meant a huge pay cut. I was personally relieved, since Clem is plenty intimidating even without a gun and a federal mandate.

Now imagine this young lady in the world of color war, GO, making posters, and annual songfests. Yeah, it wasn't pretty. Plus, she had some spatial processing issues that made life harder. We ended up taking her out of high school after one year and home schooling her. Once again, people made lots of assumptions and figured she was a lost cause.

By this time, I was accustomed to ignoring stupid, shallow people, so I once again stuck my chin out and ignored the comments, questions, and pitying looks. The only thing that really surprised and disgusted me were the number of propositions Clem got from married men in the community who assumed she was "damaged goods" and therefore open to some illicit fun. Clem put these would-be Lotharios in their places, and they should be thankful she's not going to have the authority to open federal investigations.

Long story short, Clem recently turned 24, finished her master's degree, and is working at a therapeutic school in Brooklyn as a BCBA. She's not married yet, but she's had opportunities and is getting dates. She's more religious and spiritual than I could hope to be in my wildest dreams. Sorry, I know I'm bragging. But it was a long, long teenager-hood.

I know, I know. It's easier said than done. It's easy for me to act like it's just a matter of ignoring all the naysayers and stupid people. It's not easy; it's the hardest thing I've done in my life. It's even harder if you, like me, are the kind of person who tries to fit in and not make a point of flaunting your individuality at every turn.

But it's a big world out there, even the frum world. There are plenty of people who won't care about whether your child went to the right schools or the right camps or made friends with all the right people. And when your kids are grown, you'll see that the "perfect" kids and families make very nice shidduchim and most are very happy, but they aren't any happier or more successful than anyone else. Much of the time, yichus and social standing are of interest only within the small chevra of people who share it.

Do what's best for your child, and if the schools are acting like modeling agencies, dismissing anyone who doesn't fit their notion of perfection, then the heck with them.

Hatzlacha!

crust

Wed, Sep 05 2018, 12:35 pm

Very moving and encouraging post Fox but um. Have you ever lived in the tristate area? LOL