In an uninspired rut

amother

Babyblue

Sun, Sep 30 2018, 1:23 pm

I feel like I’m I a spiritual rut right now. I’m not really inspired. Overtired, taking care of kids/home/job,etc.
if I sit down to daven, I either nod off or start listing what needs to get done in my head. I never daven when the kids are hanging on to me either, which is most of the time, because I feel like my place now is to be a mommy.
I’m a very spiritual/emotional person, I just feel like I was never ingrained with enough appreciation for davening and mitzvos, it was more like “how many Rashis can you memorize in five seconds?” But this is not an educational system rant. That’s a thread for itself, unfortunately.
I like to listen to “lite” speakers who make me laugh and think, anything too heavy and I drift off...
My question: a. Who do you recommend I listen to? (I’m heimishe/from chassidish background if that helps your recommendation)
B. Have you ever found yourself in such a rut? What did you do?
Thanks ima’lech.

newbie

Tue, Oct 02 2018, 5:13 pm

Hello, I had to think about your post today. I have been in a similar situation and think actually most of us have. I used to think this was a sure sign of me going down and losing my emunah, but during sukkos it occurred to me that it’s probably a normal feeling that comes and (hopefully) goes. It’s like in marriage: Sometimes you feel incredibly close to your husband and have a great bond, and then there are times (it can be months!) where things don’t go well and you fight a lot and feel exhausted.
Yes, you should look for things that inspire you and I do think that’s why H’ sends us these times, but you also don’t have to beat yourself up about it- it’s a normal part of life not to feel very connected when you’re so involved with raising kids and are sleep deprived etc. Hope that helps a bit. Thinking of you!

amother

Seafoam

Tue, Oct 02 2018, 5:23 pm

Rabbi YY Jacobson- on theyeshiva.net find the women's shiurim and the Emuna series. They're also on TorahAnytime.

Rabbi Orlofsky is also thought provoking and will make you laugh.

In general, I find that talking to Hashem in English throughout the day is a huge spiritual boost. Sometimes just "please make this pimple go away quickly" or other relatively unimportant things that I want to be solved. And remembering to thank Him when the issue is resolved. Not just the big huge things in life.

Also, Rabbi YY Jacobson has a thought about. אנא ה׳ הושיעה נא
And he explains that נא can mean here and now. And that wherever I am, is PRECISELY where Hashem wants me to be. With the pimple or with my kids hanging on to me or with a broken appliance, etc.

And that realization is life changing. Each and every situation I find myself in is custom designed by Him for me!

Anon cuz I'm in Israel and not sure I'm supposed to be posting now if people know I'm American.

amother

Forestgreen

Tue, Oct 02 2018, 7:40 pm

A few years ago my father was diagnosed with a chronic disease. I became depressed for a week and Then I started davening like I never did before. I was up at 6 before kids awoke and I cried with each tefilah. BH my father's condition is stable but theres still an underlying worry. Around two years ago a close friemd of mine who was very close to Hashem passed away from a sudden illness and them after that a few people I know personally suffered badly, all special people. And then... I don't know what suddenly happened to me but I lost all my cheshek to daven. I have complete emunah that Hashem runs the world but watching so many people suffer just turned me dry sadly. This Yom Kippur I begged Hashem,. Please don't give me a tzara like a few years ago with my father which made me cry and feel so close all day to You. I want to feel connected and close when everything is BH okay and quiet. I don't want shocks. I want the connection. Basically my long drasha is beg for a connection. I feel so empty being unconnected and uninspired!!

amother

Babyblue

Tue, Oct 02 2018, 8:11 pm

amother wrote:

Hugs, hugs and more hugs. I know.

PinkFridge

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 11:46 am

I second Rabbi Schachter. He has 10-15 minute messages on the Chazak line (1845 356 6665, 5, 2, then 1 for current or wait for past ones). He also has longer, also easy to listen to weekly parsha shiurim on Torah Anytime.

What I like about Torah Anytime, among many other things, is you can see how long the shiur is, if you can't commit to too long.

There is a concept Rav Hutner zt"l and others talk about: the yemei ha'ahava and yemei hasina. Sometimes we're just so ON and sometimes we're in ruts. It's normal and we need to ride through it. A few thoughts and suggestions:

- Good for you for being proactive and open to learning!
- Make sure to nourish yourself physically. See the Artscroll Hallel on "lo hameisim yehalelu Kah" about the dried out lulav. We need to refresh ourselves. Try to sleep, eat well, exercise, and get in some daily humor.
- There is a famous vort on the words "al levavecha" in Shema. Why does it say ON your hearts and not IN? Because we're not always receptive but we should keep on keeping on. One day there will be a crack and then all of the good nourishing words will fall in.
- Rabbi Reisman has a related mashal about a village that needs to wait for the traveling clock maker to come repair their timepieces. If they keep on winding the mechanism, even if it's stopped, the piece won't atrophy.

IOW, there is great and precious values in doing mitzvos by rote, as long as we know it's not the ideal and we want more. (Or even want to want. We'll get there, b'ezras Hashem.)

amother

Forestgreen

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 4:10 pm

amother wrote:

It also sounds to me like you might be burnt out. Like you were davening so super intensely, it’s not even sustainable. (Idk about you, but I stayed stuck on the fact that you got up at 6! Wow. I could never)
It’s like under the chuppah, you start out weeping and then you’re just exhausted and wait quietly, just mouthing. Am I making sense here?

I actually loved the time I was up at 6. I felt like it was just me and Hashem. The connection felt satisfying, it was the loss of my close friend so suddenly and a few other things that suddenly left me going thru my days without opening up siddur once.
You mentioned your emtional type and so am I, which is why feeling uninspired hurts.
What I find awakens me are stuff like, an emotional song, these short clips that are sent around or even watching my daughter sidur show, these things get me bawling and Then I use that opportunity to connect with Hashem. I can't listen to a shiur. I need something very sensory stimulating to awaken me, du get me?
Example before I was watching a kumzitz with a bunch of OTD boys singing this emotional song., I was sitting here crying.. It's cleansing to cry from time to time...

amother

Olive

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 6:48 pm

Babyblue, I like you. I like the way you think. Yes, can totally relate.

I had a big nisayon over yom tov related to business; in a nutshell I could either make big money or lose big... as I couldn't obviously work on yom tov I was hoping things would sort itself out - I basically left a deal hanging, not able to finalise it, but hoped the deal would wait for me... so you tov I worked on emunah big time and really felt I would be okay however HaShem would make things turn out. I did lots of 'ruchnious' hishtadlus, such as saying whole Tehillim etc. In my mind I was positive this deal would work out. Turns out HaShem planned otherwise... I checked my emails after Yom Tov and had a massive massive shock. I lost a ton of money! I had so prepared in my mind for such a scenario and how I would calmly accept it. You wish. Or better said, how I wish that would have been the case. I suddenly felt so empty... my davvening became listless.. It was an awful feeling... and I was most disappointed that this was my level of emunah... I thought I was bigger than that! Shocker! Got still a long way to go...

Still trying though. Smile

I'm not gonna give up! Will get there one day. With the help of HaShem and hopefully soon!

PinkFridge

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 8:36 pm

amother wrote:

I'm not gonna give up! Will get there one day. With the help of HaShem and hopefully soon!

Do you get the Yated? There was a wonderful story from R' Hisiger that the Rizhiner Rebbe told his chassidim, about the man who was makpid never to conduct business before davening. Someone approached him (I guess he'd started davening) and kept offering more and more as the man was unresponsive. Then he left.

This was the story. The chassidim were waiting for the payoff: And then the man made the deal of a lifetime, all because of this hanhaga.

But the Rebbe stressed that this was the end of the story. How it played out didn't matter. What mattered, and was worth telling over, was the process.

Now of course, working on yom tov is not an issue for you as far as your nekudas habechira. So you might think that there is no great story here. But there is. You did what you were supposed to and this is an important story in your life.

Oh, and one other thought. The concept of the Soton milfaneinu. Like Sara dying after the akeida. It was her time, but it was also a test for Avrohom, to see if he would link her death to the akeida and regret it. Because the Soton couldn't succeed with Avrohom when right in front of him, but maybe he could get Avrohom to regret from behind, in retrospect.

May you see obvious bracha, and go on with menucha.