Family First Article- on not being a superwoman

Mommyg8

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 12:56 pm

Ruchel wrote:

When did women decide they have to be super or perfect?

When they live in Lakewood and they have to follow what "everyone else" is doing... because it must be part of yiddishkeit.

I'm glad I wasn't the only one who was Scratching Head

. It's not so much that we work too hard -- even though many do -- but to me, it's more about the cookie cutter mentality. If mishpacha is featuring a specific recipe, you can be sure the ingredients will be sold out within a day at your local grocery store. Why should I make x or y or z if I know my family doesn't really like it? Why do women feel obligated to stay up until 2 in the morning to make multi course meals?

I know that when my oldest children were little there was a competition among my friends as to who could work the hardest, and who will get sick the most shock

. I don't know if that is true for the current young couples... I'm hoping that not.

Which brings me to another topic -- which article was it that spoke about the importance of "being in the box"? I don't remember where I saw it but it really rubbed me the wrong way.

ShishKabob

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 12:57 pm

InnerMe wrote:

But that's weird. Because who are the "writers?" Regular people like me and you.
It confuses me when an article like this gets printed... especially with the trip it makes through editors, proof readers etc.

I put them in the same category of some "principals" and other persons that don't seem to live on the same planet like the masses.

InnerMe

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 1:01 pm

Mommyg8 wrote:

When they live in Lakewood and they have to follow what "everyone else" is doing... because it must be part of yiddishkeit.

I'm glad I wasn't the only one who was Scratching Head

Are you referring to the one about teaching children to think independently, but remain with the "limits?"

Chayalle

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 1:04 pm

Mommyg8 wrote:

When they live in Lakewood and they have to follow what "everyone else" is doing... because it must be part of yiddishkeit.

I'm glad I wasn't the only one who was Scratching Head

There was one particular person quoted in the article that rubbed me the wrong way. I was okay with most of the rest of it (though TTYTT, I wasn't the most focused reader over Y"T....this superwoman did host company, did bake, and did serve meals - with some shortcuts....)

InnerMe

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 1:15 pm

Mommyg8 wrote:

Yes. Except I didn't see much about thinking independently... But maybe I read more into the article than was actually there....

Right it didn't encourage independent thinking.. for some reason that article struck me right away as belonging in the Binah. It's more their style.

amother

Amethyst

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 1:16 pm

I'm so happy you posted! I was so disturbed by the article that I was tempted to write a letter to the editor, something I never do.

I felt so bad about myself because I hardly do any of those things!

There is always dinner in my house, but we have sandwiches or mac n' cheese at least one night a week and Sunday is leftovers, which means I only cook dinner 3 days a week and for shabbos.
Although I have a master degree, I do not work in my field.
I have guests maybe once every 2 months, as it doesn't really work for our family now.
I almost never bake. Like maybe 3 times a year.
I get my girls one matching dress per season and that's it.
I also don't iron - ever, and I am not OCD about my house being neat and organized. I clean it but I hardly dust and there are always toys on the floor.

Here I was thinking I was super women for working full time, taking care of my kids from 1:30 in the afternoon until bed time, working additional night hours to make ends meet, having only 2 hours of very basic cleaning help a week (my house needs 2 hours a day - which I do myself), making sure my kids always have clean clothing to wear and food to eat and go to all the various tutors and therapies they need and making every single shabbos and yom tov by myself since we do not live near family...but it turns out that I have yet to attain superwomen status after all.

Thank you Mishpacha for making me feel incompetent AND incapable, since I do not have another minute in the day to do more than what I do now.

Chayalle

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 1:28 pm

Mommyg8 wrote:

Yes. Except I didn't see much about thinking independently... But maybe I read more into the article than was actually there....

I think I got from the article (besides for the one "rebetzin" quoted that teens should never think for themselves) that it's the job of the home, the parents, to encourage their children to think independently. And that schools should not be averse to questions, within some limits. That we can't expect kids today to just act like puppets. That they will make decisions that indicate where they are holding - not necessarily where WE are holding.

I've actually always been pro this idea - I've posted about this alot here on imamother too. I believe in talking to your kids. I believe in discussing with them what they hear in school, and helping them filter out anything ridiculous. I believe in encouraging them to think, and I like to discuss various ideas with my girls - ideas they actually have to give those gears inside their heads a couple of whirs to get them going. I also am into my kids as individuals with their own paths - I don't believe they have to be clones of me and DH (they aren't. They are great kids).

I think great teachers are teachers that can answer questions, but yes, there needs to be a balance, because we do want to teach our children to accept authority as well. I don't expect every teacher to be amazing, but I pray they have some.

So in that sense, I was okay with the article. But like I said, my reading this Y"T was rather cursory.

gold21

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 1:49 pm

For me, not being a superwoman is recognizing that running a frum family within the guidelines of halacha is not an easy task, acknowledging that it is a lot of work.... Just being honest with myself that the expectations are intense and that I'm a very capable person and that finding the lifestyle overwhelming doesn't reflect badly on me.

I make supper every single night, it's usually something that requires a reasonable amount of effort but if I'm ever short on time there's scrambled eggs with frozen potato knishes or fish sticks with spaghetti, and those are perfectly good delicous suppers too.

I don't make 20 side dishes for every yom tov meal. I don't shop obsessively for Yom tov clothing, or for any clothing. I don't host meals often. Sometimes I don't have time to put on makeup before candelighting. Ive accepted these things and I don't push myself to be something I don't want to be. I just do what feels right, and manageable, to me.

amother

Chartreuse

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 2:13 pm

That I’m not “on” 100% of the time. If my kids are safely occupied I will go take a breather in my room.
When dh comes home for dinner I do not always greet him with a smile, instantly fresh lipstick, and a napkin shaped like a swan that’s the same color as the main dish. It’s more like “dinnersintheoventakethekidsimgoingtonapbye”
I work three jobs. Superwoman is a conspiracy against us Wink

Next.

amother

Teal

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 2:28 pm

amother wrote:

Please send this in to them, they value feedback.

gold21

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 2:38 pm

Hashkafically speaking, I don't have any desire to achieve superRebbetzin status. I never dreamed of being a long term kollel wife working long hours to pay the bills, having a baby every 18 months, pushing myself super hard to fulfill someone else's dream. Achieving superwoman status at the expense of my own happiness and mental health just isn't "me".

My life choices have to work for ME, not for society's idealized version of who I am supposed to be. It's okay to make different choices than your peers and it's okay to find your own path in Yiddishkeit. I don't have to be the frummest Rebbetzin in town or be the biggest balabuste or have the most children. If there's a competition, I dropped out a long time ago. I just have to be a good person with good values and do my best to live a Torah- true lifestyle, to work on connecting to Hashem and to improving myself on my own level.

amother

Lawngreen

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 3:20 pm

livinginflatbus wrote:

Yeah I was scratching my head over the supper one . Seriously it’s ok to not make supper ever ? I understand frozen foods once or twice but tuna and cucumbers; not ok at all .

In my book tuna and cucumbers are about the same healthy as tuna burgers and string beans, just one is warm and one is cold. I don't understand what the uproar is all about.

amother

Aqua

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 3:25 pm

I'm laughing at the matching outfits example, what a calamity!!! And to say that her kids childhood is being "ruined" by this devastating tzara! My oh my! Seems more like the mom is worried that its ruining "her" social standing, because from what she described her girls dont seem to care about matching accessories. Theres enough peer pressure as is, we don't need to add more. I think every mom is a super mom, matching clothing and all not withstanding.
I sent an email, hope it'll be published.

iyar

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 3:27 pm

amother wrote:

Next.

I think you got a little mixed up there.
That part about going to take a breather when your kids are safely occupied?
That's not unsuperwomanly.
That's what makes you superwoman.

As for the mishpacha article, it left me also a little What

.
That's okay though, I love my mishpacha magazine.
I'm SO not superwoman or any permutation of one.
But my mishpacha break is my personal "taking a breather".