Family First Article- on not being a superwoman

amother

Burlywood

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 3:37 pm

amother wrote:

In my book tuna and cucumbers are about the same healthy as tuna burgers and string beans, just one is warm and one is cold. I don't understand what the uproar is all about.

Yes, I agree. A lot of posters here are saying not to feel like we have to do everything exactly like others do. So, here, this woman is not making suppers so for her that's important bec maybe she comes home same as the kids or....shes making a different decision how to cut corners and ppl are saying she's weird/lives on different planet...well, she's doing her!! Why do u get to judges her negatively for her shortcuts. As long as her kids are getting healthy foods and are not going to bed hungry......whats wrong?? There's still shabbos/yom tov....

ectomorph

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 3:48 pm

I grew up in a family where there was rarely supper. .. u had to fend for yourself. .. I literally starved sometimes. (Yes I could always have technically made something but a fifth grader doesn't always have the common sense of an older person)

The type of family that doesn't have supper often isn't great at keeping the refrigerator stocked either.

Not saying this lady has this issue just that some things are not the right place to cut corners.

amother

Tangerine

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 4:38 pm

Warm supper=warm home=warm memories! Kids feel cared for if they get warm suppers! When kids come home after long day in freezing cold weather & eat a warm plate of mommys homemade soup, it warms their hearts! Very different if they have to go take a cold yogurt or peanut butter sandwich for themselves after a long cold hard day where they encountered all the coldness of people out there in the cold reality of life!

zaq

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 4:46 pm

So this woman has priorities that differ from yours. So to her, leaving the garnish off a plated dinner is a shortcut whereas you wouldn’t recognize a garnish if it wore a sign and tap-danced on the plate. Why does that make her an object of ridicule, disgust and anger? Because she cares about things that you don’t care about? Because she lives among people who have expectations that are different from yours? If all her neighbors dress their kids in matching outfits and she decides that’s one “gotta do” that she’s not gonna do, how is this any less of a shortcut than your safety-pinning your ds pants legs instead of sewing hems? Maybe my shortcut is to roll up the pants legs and skip the pins altogether. Should I revile you for your ladidah distance from reality? Why do you-all get to decide what’s a shortcut and what’s not? And why can’t you read an example that doesn’t reflect your reality, recognize the principle and apply it to your reality to come up with your own solutions? Yeesh.

amother

Lawngreen

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 4:49 pm

amother wrote:

I agree in theory, but not always in practice. I often serve cold suppers not because I'm unwilling to cook but because my kids don't appreciate it. They genuinely prefer salmon from a can with veggies and crackers, or hard boiled eggs and avocado over soup or chicken or whatnot. I don't make them take it myself, I prepare it nicely for them. Maybe it's because they're still young? I know I may be the exception, but I don't think the warm supper=warm memories blanket statement is always helpful. I grew up with a mother who used to slave away over home cooked meals which made her stressed out, and she was triply stressed out when we didn't go for it. Not only because of the wasted time and energy, but because we were destroying her picture of a "warm home". That atmosphere certainly didn't make for any warm memories! The good news is it taught me to DWW -- do what works. Cold suppers here equals happy kids and less stressed mom. Win win all around. And fwiw, I'm super health conscious, so no cereal and milk ever not even for breakfast cuz it contains [less than] zero nutrition. I cook warm meals plenty too, but I find so often it doesn't get eaten and then there's so much stress and disappointment all around, it's almost not worth it.

gold21

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 4:56 pm

zaq wrote:

When an article misses the mark for a large number of it's intended audience, it's not a good article.

PinkFridge

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 5:03 pm

livinginflatbus wrote:

Yeah I was scratching my head over the supper one . Seriously it’s ok to not make supper ever ? I understand frozen foods once or twice but tuna and cucumbers; not ok at all .

In the Dov Haller camp serial, the mother (social worker, wife of protagonist) only made proteins for supper and let everyone fend for themselves for the sides. It would have been interesting had the social worker analyzed this Very Happy

PinkFridge

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 5:05 pm

amother wrote:

When I'm serving a 3 course fleishig dinner on china on a regular tuesday I don't use cloth napkins.
.

And this is why Hashem created the amother feature. Because I really don't want to know who you are.
I bet you also stack and scrape. Shame on you

Last edited by PinkFridge on Wed, Oct 03 2018, 5:06 pm; edited 1 time in total

ally

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 5:05 pm

zaq wrote:

Because if these are your priorities, you lost the plot somewhere.
Because the rampant superficiality and pressure on frum women to be 1950s stepford wives is oppressive, unrealistic and shallow.
Because these distorted values are being promoted by these frum magazines.

PinkFridge

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 5:07 pm

amother wrote:

I'm so happy you posted! I was so disturbed by the article that I was tempted to write a letter to the editor, something I never do.

I felt so bad about myself because I hardly do any of those things!

There is always dinner in my house, but we have sandwiches or mac n' cheese at least one night a week and Sunday is leftovers, which means I only cook dinner 3 days a week and for shabbos.
Although I have a master degree, I do not work in my field.
I have guests maybe once every 2 months, as it doesn't really work for our family now.
I almost never bake. Like maybe 3 times a year.
I get my girls one matching dress per season and that's it.
I also don't iron - ever, and I am not OCD about my house being neat and organized. I clean it but I hardly dust and there are always toys on the floor.

Here I was thinking I was super women for working full time, taking care of my kids from 1:30 in the afternoon until bed time, working additional night hours to make ends meet, having only 2 hours of very basic cleaning help a week (my house needs 2 hours a day - which I do myself), making sure my kids always have clean clothing to wear and food to eat and go to all the various tutors and therapies they need and making every single shabbos and yom tov by myself since we do not live near family...but it turns out that I have yet to attain superwomen status after all.

Thank you Mishpacha for making me feel incompetent AND incapable, since I do not have another minute in the day to do more than what I do now.

I am in awe of you.
I'm glad you're here. I have no idea who you are but I'm sure your voice is very much enjoyed here.

PinkFridge

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 5:10 pm

ectomorph wrote:

I recall seeing advice in mishpacha, that for an easy dinner, make skirt steak ($25/lb... maybe less in NY but not exactly cheap).

I don't make skirt steak for yom tov.

I wonder how much mishpacha pays writers.

Any magazine will use protein in weekday recipes that we don't see on a regular basis. It's a given.

Last edited by PinkFridge on Wed, Oct 03 2018, 5:12 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Tangerine

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 5:12 pm

Even if u dont have patience time or energy, a warm meal is more hearty than a cold one. Doesnt mean it has to be a labor induced full course meal. There are so many quick easy things u can make warm & so many shortcuts out there. Lets say frozen pizza & frozen fries stuck into the oven. Scrambled eggs/French toast. How long does it take to stick some chicken bottoms, whole potatoes/sweet potatoes unpeeled with nothing & bag frozen veg with some spices into oven. Whole apples unpeeled to bake. Some frozen franks/blanks or frozen potato knishes to bake. Fry some frozen fish stick/onionrings? How long does it take to put some chicken cutlet on the grill or cook up a bag of pasta? These require zero effort & go a long way in providing warm food! I remember after giving birth that first bowl of chicken soup I received & downed, how it warmed my heart & soul! When my kid was in hospital how he only wanted warm food....that meant real food for him...... any of these are anytime heartier than eating a cold plate of cereal milk for dinner

gold21

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 5:13 pm

PinkFridge wrote:

And this is why Hashem created the amother feature. Because I really don't want to know who you are.
I bet you also stack and scrape. Shame on you

Lol, ha

By the way, speaking of which, I personally never stack & scrape, that whole situation makes me queasy

Plastic plastic plastic nearly 100 percent of the time

So much less gross to me!

bigsis144

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 5:22 pm

amother wrote:

I think there’s a difference between “cold” and “fend for yourself”.

The temperature of the food matters less than eating as a family, and/or feeling like something was prepared (even if it was just slicing veggies or putting peanut butter on bread) with the child in mind.

Each kid having to get their own bowl of cereal/sandwich for themself because Mommy is MIA *is* less ideal than everyone sitting down and eating their cereal/sandwiches/cold tuna and veggies together.

(this is something I am working through some Big Feelings about, as I have an incredibly picky child who rejects basically everything I cook, and literally subsists on microwave popcorn, chocolate milk, pretzels and cereal. He’s getting old enough to “fend for himself” based on the foods he’s agreed to eat, but it makes me very sad, guilty and sometimes even angry to let him - is it genuine concern for his health? Am I just insulted he won’t eat any of the many many MANY delicious and healthy meals I cook? How can I make our dinners feel like Family Dinners if he can’t stand the smell and wants to eat in another room and go play after the 5 minutes it takes him to eat? Am I letting him “win” a power struggle by not exerting authority over what/when/how he eats? I certainly don’t feel like a “good mom”, let alone a “super” one... maybe I’ll start a spinoff thread...)

amother

Bronze

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 5:34 pm

I grew up in a house of extremely picky eaters (most of us grew out of it) and we all knew the rule was that my mother made/heated 1 dinner. If you didn't like it, you were more than welcome to go help yourself to a sandwich or something from the freezer. There were nights that every single child did that, and weeks when a certain child did it every night. But we still sat down and ate together, and we all grew up fine with this situation.
If my mother one day decided that there was no point in making whatever the dinner was supposed to be since she knew none of us would eat it, we probably wouldn't have noticed and gone for our sandwiches and hot dogs anyway.

amother

Tangerine

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 5:39 pm

Bigsis thats a diff story but on your part you are providing warm food for your family so they feel that you care....if he doesnt eat it....its his choice & problem. The point I was trying to make was that sonetimes even with minimal efforts the kids can still feel as though you cooked up a warm meal for them. Its ok if you sometimes serve tuna & salad for dinner, but that should be a daily & never cooking/serving something warm ever is something entirely different