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Parents insisting on choosing my baby's name
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amother




Coffee


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 8:28 am
My parents are insisting that they have to choose my baby's name. They consider it stealing from them if I don't allow them to choose their own grandchild's name. I have other kids and every time they got mad at me that I chose the name. I don't want the specific name that they want and I never plan on naming my child that name. It is not a name that is their parents, they just want to be able to say that they chose this name for their grandchild. What can I do to make it less hard for them when I name my child the name that I will choose.
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SuperWify









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 8:35 am
What a ridiculous request!

Sorry mom and dad, we love you so much but this is our baby and DH and I will chose our babies name.

Rinse and repeat.

Calmly.
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amother




Cyan


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 8:36 am
Let them choose a middle name?

With my first, both my mil and her mother insisted I name after a certain relative. I gave my baby the name as a middle name and everyone is happy.

Sorry you're going through this, though. That sounds really rude and inconsiderate of your family. They had their turn to name (their own) babies. Now it's yours.
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mommy3b2c









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 8:36 am
SuperWify wrote:
What a ridiculous request!

Sorry mom and dad, we love you so much but this is our baby and DH and I will chose our babies name.

Rinse and repeat.

Calmly.


This.
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maidale









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 8:37 am
Dear mom and dad. DH and I will be naming out baby _________. may you see a lot of nachas from him and from all of us!
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simba









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 8:39 am
Is this a normal expectation in your circles? Sounds highly invasive and controlling to me. Do you otherwise have a good relationship with your parents?
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little neshamala









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 8:40 am
Are they the type that value the decision of a Rav? If so, tell the sitch to a Rav, he will tell you that it should be your decision, and then you can say "we wanted to do the rght thing, so we spoke to Rav so and so, and he said we should name the baby ourselves. You can feel free to dscuss it with him"

Thats what we did in a similar situation. We just "blamed" the Rav. Worked great.
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greengrapes









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 8:43 am
I would tell my mom, when you go through 9 months of pregnancy, labor and pushing a baby out you choose the name. Otherwise its my child and I choose the name
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amother




Royalblue


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 8:56 am
little neshamala wrote:
Are they the type that value the decision of a Rav? If so, tell the sitch to a Rav, he will tell you that it should be your decision, and then you can say "we wanted to do the rght thing, so we spoke to Rav so and so, and he said we should name the baby ourselves. You can feel free to dscuss it with him"

Thats what we did in a similar situation. We just "blamed" the Rav. Worked great.


I did likewise, it worked really well.

Also, there's a Sefer out there that states that a mother should have the final say as to what to name the child since she gets a special intuition of what name fits the particular child. If I recall correctly, the Sefer spells out that the parents should be the ones choosing a name for the baby, and if there are any disagreements between the father and mother, the mother should get the final call. I wish I can remember the name of that sefer, but I'm coming up empty at the moment.
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Chayalle









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 9:21 am
I've also heard that a mother must like her child's name, because she will do the lion's share, usually, in caring for that child, and it's not healthy to interfere with her feelings for the child because of that (and forcing a name she doesn't like or want can interfere with her bond with her child, on some level.)

When DD was born after my MIL A"H passed away, DH asked me what I want to name the baby! I was totally shocked, and assured him I was completely on board with naming her after his mother. Only then did he go ahead and name her that, first making sure that I didn't really want some other name.
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SYA









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 9:30 am
I don’t have a source, but it’s mentioned in seforim that the naming of a baby is via ruach hakodesh to the parents.
It is inappropriate for parents to suggest or try to force their child to name a grandchild with a name they choose.
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Rachel Shira









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 9:54 am
Ditto to all other posters. And I personally don’t think you need to make it easier for them to swallow. This is their issue.
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PinkFridge









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 10:03 am
Rachel Shira wrote:
Ditto to all other posters. And I personally don’t think you need to make it easier for them to swallow. This is their issue.


But she does need to handle it respectfully.


Last edited by PinkFridge on Wed, Oct 10 2018, 10:05 am; edited 1 time in total
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Rachel Shira









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 10:04 am
[quote="PinkFridge"]
Rachel Shira wrote:
Ditto to all other posters. And I personally don’t think you need to make it easier for them to swallow. This is their issue.[/quote

But she does need to handle it respectfully.


Of course. The wording that some previous posters wrote was perfect.
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amother




Firebrick


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 10:10 am
I know a family like yours. The grandparents were sure that the parents would use a certain name and at the end they chose a different name.
The grandparents were so insulted and angry that they broke off all contact with their daughter, son in law and grandchildren. It was really very sad as they had been so close. If your parents are the type to make a big deal afterwards then it’s smart of you to try to think of how to deal with this. Speak to a rav or agree to a middle name. A rav should give you clarity and you will feel better with what you do.
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amother




Gold


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 10:19 am
amother wrote:
With my first, both my mil and her mother insisted I name after a certain relative. I gave my baby the name as a middle name and everyone is happy.

You're lucky that everyone was happy. I did the same. I gave my child the name my mother assumed I would use, but as a middle name and to this day, 25 years later she considers her choice not yet named after. Rolling Eyes
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PinkFridge









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 10:44 am
Re middle names: I tell my kids that they're the ones with the ruach hakodesh and all I ask is that they don't saddle their kids with names they'll regret giving.
But I do have one...suggestion? Preference? I'm not into splitting or combining names. Unless one has to add a name for whatever reason (e.g. naming after someone who died young and/or tragically). Even then I would suggest, as the additional name, a relative whom the primary name had a strong connection to.
Because while parents choose their kids' names, kids and life choose their own names, I.e. nicknames, or preferring one name over the other. This way, if the child preferred the added name over the main name, I'd feel comforted knowing of the connection.
I hope this is making sense. It would be a lot clearer if I were to give real-life scenarios.
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Metukah









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 10:55 am
amother wrote:
Let them choose a middle name?

With my first, both my mil and her mother insisted I name after a certain relative. I gave my baby the name as a middle name and everyone is happy.

Sorry you're going through this, though. That sounds really rude and inconsiderate of your family. They had their turn to name (their own) babies. Now it's yours.


And then where will it end?

I do not think this is a good idea, even if it will placate them.

The child is YOURS not theirs. If they want to name a child they should have another one or adopt.

If you give in in a small way, the requests will grow not diminish. Controlling behaviour gets worse, not better.
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amother




Bisque


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 11:56 am
My husband and I couldn't decide between two names. He preferred one and I preferred the other. Our Rav told us that I should have the final decision as the mother.

And about parents wanting to name their grandchildren. It Is not their right. It belongs to the parents. End of story. You are the one getting Ruach Hakodesh.
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amother




Sienna


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 12:16 pm
amother wrote:
My husband and I couldn't decide between two names. He preferred one and I preferred the other. Our Rav told us that I should have the final decision as the mother.

And about parents wanting to name their grandchildren. It Is not their right. It belongs to the parents. End of story. You are the one getting Ruach Hakodesh.


Same! We couldn't decide on a name, my husband called a rav he's close with, and he said "name her whatever your wife wants."
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