Staying calm with challenging child

cuties' mom

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 3:57 am

How old is your child? If he's still at a toddler/preschool level of development, make up silly songs for all of his behaviors. This way, the challenging situations become humorous situations instead. For an older child, give yourself a time-out when you feel like you need it. You could tell your child that you are going to your room for a few minutes and whenever he calms down and is ready to talk, he should knock on your door and you'll come out.

chani8

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 4:42 am

I'm not sure if 'calm and centered' is possible with a challenging child. haha!

Seriously though, focus on directing your child to do what you want them to be doing, rather than what they are doing wrong. "Ignore the bad, direct to do good."

And then there are stress relieving exercises you can do for yourself. Belly breathing and shaking it out are my 'go to' reliefs.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sg9XYicHqKo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?.....;t=4s

If you can't get youtube maybe another imamother can post them to this thread.

amother

Slategray

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 7:56 am

cuties' mom wrote:

DC is 12

amother

Slategray

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 8:00 am

chani8 wrote:

I know what I should be doing, but I find myself losing it more often than I would like.

Thanks amother for re-posting those links!

I sometimes do Qigong and deep breathing but I find it really hard in the moment. If DC is fighting with other kids, or being totally and completely inattentive I just find it really difficult to stay calm. I don't want to ever shout, but in reality, I do.

Aylat

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 10:31 am

I have a few challenging kids. I don't have a goal to never shout. It's not realistic and I would be setting myself up to constantly fail. My goal is to be authentic with my kids, to build strong trusting relationships with them, and to try and model/teach them the skills they struggle with.

What does this look like? I am tired/frustrated/both, the kids are going crazy, and I YELL. When I can manage, I take a deep breath. "Kids, sorry I yelled. I was really frustrated and I didn't manage to communicate nicely. I'm trying to calm down now." Rather than beating myself up for yelling, I want to show them that we all experience strong emotions, that it can be difficult to express them appropriately, and that when we slip up there is a way back.

Or a kid has been disobedient, rude or violent (or all of the above) to me. And next minute asks me for something and I am still feeling angry and resentful. "Sorry, DC, I am just not feeling up to doing that for you after you hit me a few minutes ago. I am still upset." They realise that I have emotions too, perhaps learn empathy, and learn how to say express negative feelings without violent actions or words.

Or: "I'm fed up with everyone being wild/with the constant fighting/with being ignored!! I am going to my room for 10 minutes/going out for a short walk by myself to calm down." I am modelling self-regulation.

Having said that, in situations where immediate response is needed, eg violence, I do see that outward calm does resolve the situation better. After that massive emotional effort though, I often find that I pounce on an innocent child for a minor mistake, to kind of release my built up tension Sad

I'm working on that.

Aylat

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 10:45 am

Also when I shout I try never to use words that shame or crush the child. Kind of like when they say to use 'I messages'.

"I hate this constant fighting!" not "you are behaving like wild animals!"

"Your brother does not deserve to be hurt by you. He has the right to be safe!" not "you are cruel and a bully! What is wrong with you??"

"I am so angry about this mess!!" not "You are a lazy slob!

amother

Slategray

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 11:21 am

Thanks for weighing in, Aylat. I appreciate it.

My goal is not to never shout, that's asking for too much IMO. I'm just trying to shout less. And to stay in control more.

The main problem is when the kid is getting violent or out of control and whatever I say or do isn't working. That's when I find myself losing it.

Aylat

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 11:31 am

Right, I also lose it. I am ashamed to say that I have sometimes also reacted with violence. Especially when I have those voices in my head telling me what a failure I am as a parent, that my child is doomed, that we are the worst dysfunctional family in the world. I would try and try and try to stay calm and then I would explode. Now that I gave myself permission to feel my anger and frustration, and actually express it - eg raise my voice and yell - instead of: be calm, be calm, be calm -BOOM. I actually lose my temper less and in a much more moderate fashion now. Letting off steam gradually rather than being a pressure cooker. I think it's much healthier for the kids and for me.

Aylat

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 11:33 am

amother wrote:

What does being in control mean to you? How do you assess whether what you are saying and doing is 'working' or not?

chani8

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 1:30 pm

If you haven't read the book, "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" now is the time! It is a simple easy read that uses comics to get it's points across. Read it and learn to make your shouts count. Also, what about The 5 Love Languages with him? Maybe there is a way to speak his language more. Both books will hopefully help you lower the bad behaviors.

But oy, 12 is a hard age and you've got to use all your resources and internal strength to get through this time. Put your eyes on the long term goal. He is going to be an adult one day. And our main goal in the big picture of their lives, is that they felt loved by us.

As for the violence, sometimes when we're having to keep them from hurting others, we feel like big bad meanies and feel guilty and ugly and bad for having to be tough. But when they are out of control, there is no other way but to put our policeman hat on and stop the violence.

Whenever I hear about a violent boy, I must share that often s-xual abuse issues or even physical abuse issues are the underlying cause of the violence. So do consider having a trauma therapist (who does emdr) at least talk to your son. Because if the violence is trauma related, then 6 weeks of trauma therapy could fix all your problems.

Aylat

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 8:27 pm

amother wrote:

Well, if I can't stop violence, it's not working.

Being in control means not lashing out or saying things I later regret.

I hear you. Do you mean stopping violence at that instant in time or that overall your DC becomes better at self-regulating?

My goal during a violent incident is to protect the victim/separate the fighters and defuse the situation. Mostly my verbal instructions aren't sufficient, I have to physically step between the kids and hold them apart. At that point there is no success or failure; there is just do what is necessary.

My long-term goal is that DC learn to control his anger and learn healthy coping mechanisms. BeH we are working with professionals to progress towards this. Every tiny step I see DC take towards self-restraint, verbal communucation instead of violence, attempt to self-regulate (take a bath, martial arts sparring), become more self-aware - those are all his successes which I am trying to help him achieve.

Re control - I have painfully learned that I cannot control my children. We are separate people, and yes, I can only control myself and that is hard enough. Their reactions are theirs.

Aylat

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 8:31 pm

chani8 wrote:

These are great books. I also found The Explosive Child by Dr Greene very helpful. You can find out more about his approach at his website https://www.livesinthebalance.org/pycc-plan-b There's also a facebook support group for parents of challenging children who are trying to implement CPS (collaborative problem solving) and Plan B.

amother

Slategray

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 3:02 am

Thanks for all the suggestions Smile

I've read all those books and agree they are great.

chani8, we've considered abuse to be a cause but that doesn't seem to be the case. On an unrelated note, this is not new behavior.

Aylat, just to clarify, when I refer to control I'm not referring to my child's self-regulation, but rather about staying in control myself. Being mediator when kids are violent or out of control is a rather stressful experience. Theoretically I know that staying calm will garner better results, but emotionally I have a hard time actually doing that.

amother

Babypink

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 6:52 am

First, consider what you are doing for yourself. Self-care is important. When you have a challenging child, it's even more important to carve out time and resources to take care of yourself so you don't feel like the family shmatta. Therapy can be a form of self-care, as can taking care of yourself physically (going to the gym, long bubble bath, manicure, pedicure, massage, eating regular meals).
Second: Get as much help as you can. Your child can benefit from behavioral therapy. If DC is having that already, consider an activity that will be good for the child and can also get you some respite.
There are a lot of other good ideas in this thread, but I find that if you let yourself get beaten down you won't be able to take advantage of the advice and techniques.

mha3484

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 7:34 am

I use mantras from the book the explosive child 1) kids do well when they can and 2) if he is giving you a hard time hes having a hard time. When I take a deep breath and try and see my childs behavior in that context I can be a lot more in control of my actions. I really feel that behavior is communication but its so hard on an emotional level to actually internalize it.

Also wine and chocolate. Lots of both haha.

Aylat

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 7:37 am

amother wrote:

Aylat, just to clarify, when I refer to control I'm not referring to my child's self-regulation, but rather about staying in control myself. Being mediator when kids are violent or out of control is a rather stressful experience. Theoretically I know that staying calm will garner better results, but emotionally I have a hard time actually doing that.

Sorry for not understanding. It is so hard. Very very stressful.
Letting go of expectations, replacing negative self-talk with encouragement, and taking breaks has helped me be much calmer, but dealing with violent behaviour is inherently stressful. I snap at another kid, DH, and feel the tension build up in my muscles. One of my phrases is that I feel like I'm the UN, trying to maintain a demilitarized buffer zone between warring parties.