How can I make Shabbos fun again?

spinkles

Sat, Nov 24 2007, 7:01 pm

I'm finding that Shabbos has become the worst day of the week. Isn't that horrible to say? But it's so hard having all the kids home. The whining, the bickering...it's almost nonstop. My nerves get shot. I am really worried about the attitude my kids are probably picking up from me about Shabbos. I want them to see me relaxed and enjoying. I want it to be fun family time. I don't want them to see me relieved when Shabbos is over. Help!! What can I do to make things go more smoothly??? FWIW, I have a 4-year-old, 3-year-old, and 1-year-old.

(Supportive and constructive comments only, please, because I feel awful already about this.)

Helani

Sat, Nov 24 2007, 7:13 pm

I sometimes have a hard time as well. This are things I find that work for us. (I have a 4.5, almost 3, and 7 month old).
Read to them a lot, play any games they enjoy, if you can get a playdate for older ones for even an hour that also helps. Take regular breaks for snacks, especially giving them food they don't get the rest of the time (doesn't have to be junk, fresh pineapple counts as a treat around here). My husband tries to watch the baby for a bit, so I can take the older ones for a walk and get out of the house a little. Invite a friend over, that seems to make a difference.
I would same that as long as you pay attention to them, and distract them with either a new activity or a snack break usually you can keep the bickering to minimum. The problem is that it will take lots of energy and work on your part. That's what I have difficulty with. I know what to do, but often I just want to hang out and do my own thing for a while. That almost inevitably ends in fighting.
Good luck!

momof6

Sat, Nov 24 2007, 7:45 pm

Shabbos party Very Happy

My children tasted melon for the first time on shabbos
I feed it to the baby while saying, "shaboss, shaboss, yum".
Sing special songs, play special games, (my youngest 3 love connect 4! I play w/ the baby on my team). Hide and seak... spider web (You sit on the couch w/ a book, if they come close you tickle them) ....let them make you performances (puppet shows w/ their dolls,special choirs or dances) save some special books for shabbos.
Invite a freind w/ little ones to visit...

spinkles

Sat, Nov 24 2007, 8:46 pm

Mahpitom, me too! I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels that way.

Thanks, everyone, for all your suggestions! I do Shabbos party already, and play games with the kids. It's hard with the baby grabbing and messing up what we're doing, so the board games often don't go well, but tickling and hiding always go well. You're right, I should do more of that.

I'm not so into the playdate thing, cause I feel like if it's not going well, I don't have a way of contacting the mother early and I end up stuck with kids who aren't getting along. I've had some unpleasant experiences. But I think the idea of inviting a friend over with her kids is a great one. That would help me not feel so overwhelmed, since most of my struggle with Shabbos is the fact that I don't have anybody adult and rational to talk with. Okay, so that's my plan! I'll see about setting something up for next Shabbos.

Greenfire, hi! How are you? I haven't seen you since the summer. About your suggestion, I would LOVE to take the kids to shul like I used to, but we stopped holding by the eruv about seven months ago (long story), so now I'm Stuck. In. The. House. The baby started walking recently so maybe I can start walking down the block a bit....

I guess the ikkar is, as Helani said, that I have to really focus on them and not expect to have a little davening/resting time for myself. I don't know why it's so hard for me to grow up. Confused

I guess I still expect that Shabbos is going to be like it was when I didn't have little ones. Lots of divrei Torah and interesting conversations with oodles of guests, a nice nap in the middle...it used to be AMAZING! But yeah. I guess if I come into Shabbos rested (!) and prepare myself mentally to be constantly doing lively activities with them, things would definitely be different.

spinkles

Sat, Nov 24 2007, 9:08 pm

Quote:

If you can tell us what's the hardest part, maybe we can help.

Is it the prep, the cleanup, when Shabbos comes in, the night meal, the morning, the day meal, the afternoon?

Oh, no. I am ashamed to say that it's ALL of the things you mentioned. embarrassed

Prep: the whole day Friday is spent making Shabbos. By the time the seudah comes, I am exhausted and have no patience for the children. Obvious Solution #1: buy Shabbos. Unfortunately, my family is very picky. Even if we could afford to buy Shabbos every week (not an option), we just don't enjoy most ready-made food. Obvious Solution #2: Cook in advance and just pull stuff out of the freezer Erev Shabbos. I really want to do this, and have done it off and on in the past. The problem is that I am home fulltime with my kids plus working seven hours a day in addition (2 hours in the morning while the baby naps and the other kids are out, and then five hours once the kids are in bed). I am constantly exhausted and have no time for making kugels after supper. Obvious Solution #3: make salami sandwiches or something. I do do this sometimes, but my husband and one of my kids have digestive issues and buying cold cuts (even the healthier ones) or whatever really causes them problems for a couple of days after. Plus I do want to have the traditional foods, as it adds a lot to the Shabbos atmosphere and is especially important for the children.

The seudos: I try so hard to make them special. We sing zmiros, award candy for kids who know the parsha questions, tell stories...but I don't get to eat until everyone else has eaten and left the table. Sad

I am constantly busy refilling plates, cleaning spills, stopping one kid from kicking the other, trying to feed the baby.... I feel resentful that I work so hard. I know that's not the correct hashkafah....

I guess, GR, that it's not one particular aspect of Shabbos, but the fact that the entire Shabbos involves Mommy working incredibly hard, while the children whine and bicker. I would not mind working hard at all if the kids were behaving nicely and I felt like Shabbos was a nice family-bonding time.

spinkles

Sat, Nov 24 2007, 9:16 pm

Quote:

sprinkles, one more suggestion. Make it a point to feed that real normal weekday food on Shabbos morning… I find that if they have cake or sugary cereal they start losing their minds early on, like 10:30 and it never stops. Take a moment to jump out of bed and feed them yogurt, banana, or even a challah sandwich and tell me if that doesn’t make a difference!

This makes sense. I think you're right, and I also think that at school/playgroup they are used to getting snacks at a set time, and the different schedule on Shabbos isn't easy for them. I usually give them regular cereal in the morning, but maybe protein, like peanut butter crackers or cottage cheese, would be a good snack for them midway through the morning. I often just hand them a few pretzels but I don't think that's working. I think I will speak with their moros and find out what time they're used to having snacks during the week. I think that would really help with the naughtiness, because they usually play nicely until about 10ish. Thanks for the good idea.

Mimisinger

Sat, Nov 24 2007, 9:23 pm

Also in gan they get to go outside and perhaps even go from room to room. It's hard being in all of shabbos. What if you created step by step activities? Ex. First, run into mommy's room and make the highest tower you can with blocks, then, run into the kitchen and dress up with at least 5 clothes, then go into the living room and hop through 3 hoops, etc., etc.

This will tire them out and get them to nap at least. Also, it goes without saying that they should be able to help clean up after all of the activities.

spinkles

Sat, Nov 24 2007, 9:38 pm

Quote:

we should swap kids!

Trust me, you DO NOT want mine! LOL

(Joking! They actually are adorable and delicious, despite how I'm making them sound on this thread.)

Quote:

That's a great idea! I'm realizing that I need to be more proactive and really plan out our day.

momof6

Sun, Nov 25 2007, 9:46 am

Our favorites are other parents w/ kids our kids ages and a wonderful bubby who is deaf. She can't hear the kids at all and keeps telling us what angels they are Wink

spinkles

Sun, Nov 25 2007, 9:57 am

Quote:

What about eating out sometimes, or inviting guests?

can your husband take over part of the time so you can get out to a shiur or a friend ?

Eating out isn't an option because we don't use the eruv. Having people over is something I enjoy doing, but my husband prefers that it be just us. (He and I are both super busy with parnassah stuff, so Shabbos is the only time all week that the whole family is together with time to enjoy each other's company.)

My husband is a tzaddik, and he definitely would be willing to watch the kids so I could get out. Maybe that's something I should do. I don't know. The kids' bickering is REALLY hard for him to handle, so sometimes I'm reluctant to leave him with them, since it stresses him out a lot. I feel like even though it stresses me out, I am able to handle it better than he is.

It's hard balancing my husband's need for quiet family time with my own wish for adult interaction. The kids usually do behave better when we have guests over, so it would be helpful to do that more often.

I think you're right that I should decide in advance that I want to go somewhere (shiur, friend, whatever), and schedule that beforehand with my husband. I would feel a lot cheerier, and an hour or so wouldn't be too difficult for him to handle. I guess that I hadn't realized it, but I do feel resentful on some level that he gets to go out to shul and the kiddushes, and to a halacha shiur later in the afternoon, while I have nonstop childcare duty. During Elul I had a Mesillas Yesharim chevrusa on Shabbos afternoon with my friend, which was great, but has somehow lapsed. I think I will ask her if she wants to start again. Idea

I can ask my husband to forgo his Shabbos shluf and then there will be a bit more time available for me to get out a bit. He may not love that, but I'll tell him what a difference it would make to my oneg Shabbos, and I'm sure he would be happy to help.

spinkles

Sun, Nov 25 2007, 10:06 am

Quote:

You may already be doing this, but....
Give your children a mini shabbos meal before shabbos then put them to bed.
Have a nice quiet, romantic dinner w/ DH. My DH stays in shul and learns which gives me time to put the little ones to bed and set the table.
Shabbos day invite child freindly guests. Wink Our favorites are other parents w/ kids our kids ages and a wonderful bubby who is deaf. She can't hear the kids at all and keeps telling us what angels they are Wink

We totally need a bubby like that!

I do give my kids the seudah early, but I find that they can't go to bed before my DH comes home. They're too hyped up about Shabbos, and don't want to miss out. Having your husband delay coming home is an interesting idea. What time does he come home? I wonder if it would work with my kids. Their normal bedtime is 7:30, and with Shabbos coming in early now, they're not really tired enough to be in bed before DH comes home. Tell me more about how you do it. I think this might work for us, but I would have to figure out the specifics.