What age did it get too difficult to host guests (nonfamily)

amother

Plum

Sun, Nov 04 2018, 8:29 am

Ill chime in here and post opposite from others. I work full time and dh does too so he cant help me. Even though im making food for my family, making extra for one or two guests is a big deal bec I make just enough simple shabvat meals. By the time shabbat comes im literally falling asleep.

If I had guests I cant manage my little ones plus serving ...entertaining guests. Also wen guests come I like to have a lot but this is too much for me financially besides that im exhasted.

Basically I used to host until I had little kids to care for who keep me busy so its hard.

I dont think u should compare to others here bec everyone has different situations like cleaning help, sahm or work part time or easy toddlers or older kids who love to help or....u cant compare someone who has cleaning help who is sahm and can buy takeout...to someone who works full time with no hired help no takeout....another thing is bec a sahm might need the social interaction more than someone who works who interacts with colleagues, but u can do wat u want.

southernbubby

Sun, Nov 04 2018, 8:34 am

Because we are empty nesters, I don't cook a lot. I hosted my husband's farbrangen yesterday (yes our living room is deep in packed moving boxes) and I sometimes host Shabbos shiurim but we don't really have Shabbos meal guests anymore.

We rarely have a Yom tov here either but when we do, we invite guests.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Nov 04 2018, 8:39 am

I don't think that age or number of kids has anything to do with it.

It depends entirely on the personality of the hosts, their health, amount of space for hosting, finances, and a million other things.

amother

Slateblue

Sun, Nov 04 2018, 8:43 am

I find having guests hard and I always thought I would have a home full of guests.
I end up having people over anyway but mostly because it’s certain family obligations. Since it’s hard for me I limit it to just that and almost never for social reasons

etky

Sun, Nov 04 2018, 8:49 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

Among the 'million other thing' not yet mentioned: On regular shabbatot the kids, who are older now and some of whom no longer live at home during the week, just want family time. They want to interact with each other and us without guests and also consider Shabbat their down time when they don't have to socialize and 'be on' if they prefer not to.
Aside from family, we entertain now almost exclusively on chagim.
We also don't go out much for meals for the same reason.

amother

Mint

Sun, Nov 04 2018, 9:48 am

When we lived in a small apt we stopped hosting sleepover guests after our 5th was born. We are happy to have guests for meals and we usually take bachurim from the local yeshiva. I dont go out of my way to invite though. If they come they come. We have since moved and have sleepover space but our house isnt so centrally located so few people choose to sleep over. That's the catch-22--now that theres space there are no people to host.

I dont find the cooking or cleaning more taxing than regular shabbos cooking for our family. (We have 5 at home now from 13 to 2.)

Teomima

Sun, Nov 04 2018, 2:07 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

This really resonates with me. My kids have nothing to do with my ability to host, rather my husband's health. He has several mental illnesses and when things flare up, just coping with the basic needs of my family takes all my time and energy and I have nothing left for guests. But when he is stable I love hosting. We used to have guests all the time and I feel bad we aren't able to much of the time. Even when we do, it's usually family or close friends. Ideally I'd like to be able to invite over new potential friends, people from the neighborhood or parents of my childrens' friends, but I can just never be sure of when my dh will be in crisis mode and if he unexpectedly falls apart on Shabbat, it could potentially be very uncomfortable for my guests. Fine (though obviously not ideal) for family and close friends, less so for people we don't know as well. It makes me very sad but this is our life.

amother

Babyblue

Sun, Nov 04 2018, 2:32 pm

Why do you ask? Because you do or don’t host and are curious if you should be ashamed or pat yourself on the back? Or because your “excuse” is whatever it is and someone else is saying “I don’t buy that, most women in your situation do” and you want to prove them wrong? Or because you’re writing a research paper?

What FF said: everyone has different priorities and different situations, comparing is pointless. We don’t have to be carbon copies of each other to be friends.

amother

Khaki

Mon, Nov 05 2018, 9:03 am

I have two kids and I actually feel like hosting has become easier for many reasons
1) I have become a much better homemaker
2) The kids make the meal a much more happening place, therefore its much less akward to have people over
3) when we didn't have kids yet, having quests meant giving up our intimate meal, but these days the meals are not intimate anyways so we are happy to share the joy
4) We now have a bigger house
5) The kids are usually better behaved when the quests come

amother

Orchid

Mon, Nov 05 2018, 11:29 am

amother wrote:

I don't understand how people have energy after a certain age to host even though dh always wants guests.

amother

Coffee

Mon, Nov 05 2018, 11:41 am

etky wrote:

This is me exactly. We rarely host and rarely go out for meals at this stage of our lives. I look forward to going back to hosting much more like I did when I was younger in a few years when my kids have moved out.

amother

Wine

Mon, Nov 05 2018, 5:02 pm

Quote:

On regular shabbatot the kids, who are older now and some of whom no longer live at home during the week, just want family time. They want to interact with each other and us without guests and also consider Shabbat their down time when they don't have to socialize and 'be on' if they prefer not to.

Another point I forgot about. Mine are all married, chasdei Hashem, so when they come we want to focus on them.

Yet, the only time I can invite is when the can come to help me.

OTOH (that's too many hands, I know) most of them are BH busy with little ones so they aren't even such reliable help. I'm off in the bathroom, the mother is changing a diaper, the father is putting a child to bed, & DH is left trying to be the host & decide if he should wait or just serve the next course himself.

amother

Sapphire

Mon, Nov 05 2018, 5:27 pm

amother wrote:

At what age did it get too difficult to host guests (not family) for shabbos? As in hosting meals, without having someone help with prepping, cooking, without buying takeout.

I'm in my late 50s.

Within the past year, I've hosted as many as 25 guests at once, no household help, no takeout*, but it takes a lot out of me.

At this point, I prefer to only have a few people at once, so I can enjoy them more.

* I'll occasionally purchase one or two items when I host -- a kick-tush kugel from a local store, or a prepared vegetable dish if I didn't have time to run out to buy fresh veggies. But when the other 10 things served are homemade, I'm not quibbling about one dish.