How soon can I contact

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

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amother

Taupe

Wed, Nov 14 2018, 6:45 pm

How soon can I contact an individual following the death of a close family member (husband/father). Is waiting for shloshim to pass enough? Give them more time?
Relationship to the individual is mostly as a mentor/teacher/guidance not an equal relationship. So I know I need to leave time for mourning. Question is how much time needs to be waited so as not to be rude.

amother

Green

Wed, Nov 14 2018, 6:56 pm

Contact as in seeking their help or as a condolence call?

amother

Taupe

Wed, Nov 14 2018, 7:06 pm

amother wrote:

Contact as in seeking their help or as a condolence call?

Not a condolence call. The death happened very soon after the person finished helping me with something. I’d want to let them know that it worked out in the end and the results. Not an emergency, and doesn’t need to happen at all. But in the past they were very happy when I followed up after their advice worked out.

amother

Puce

Wed, Nov 14 2018, 7:58 pm

Can you just send flowers and a thank you card?

Then when she's ready she can contact you.

amother

Taupe

Wed, Nov 14 2018, 8:11 pm

amother wrote:

Can you just send flowers and a thank you card?

Then when she's ready she can contact you.

Flowers seem inappropriate considering that she’s in aveilus.
Is it rude to send a thank you text. That way she knows that her advice worked out and doesn’t need to respond. Or is there a minimum amount of time I should wait before contacting her at all.

sweetart

Wed, Nov 14 2018, 8:23 pm

A note thanking her for her help and adding how sorry you were to hear abt her loss would probably be very appreciated.

amother

Tan

Wed, Nov 14 2018, 8:29 pm

You should go pay a shiva call

amother

Taupe

Wed, Nov 14 2018, 8:49 pm

amother wrote:

You should go pay a shiva call

Shiva is over. I went to be menachem avel. Shloshim was just over as well. I understood on my own to wait at least until now. The question was whether to wait longer or contacting her at this point is already appropriate.

amother

Taupe

Wed, Nov 14 2018, 8:51 pm

sweetart wrote:

A note thanking her for her help and adding how sorry you were to hear abt her loss would probably be very appreciated.

I was menachem avel already. The question is if it is appropriate to contact her regarding a topic other than her loss or waiting would be more appropriate. And if waiting is the way to go - for how long?

oneofakind

Wed, Nov 14 2018, 9:16 pm

I would send her a thank you card detailing that it went well and if she wants to/is up to it, she would call you.

Notsobusy

Wed, Nov 14 2018, 9:46 pm

I think if shloshim was already over you can call her. Unfortunately the reality of our busy lives means that people have to get back to their regular lives pretty quickly. If she's not ready to talk she doesn't have to answer and you can leave her a message.

amother

Sienna

Wed, Nov 14 2018, 9:49 pm

I think from what you said you waited enough and now is the proper time unless the death was an extreme unexpected tragedy.

seeker

Wed, Nov 14 2018, 10:43 pm

Yes it is absolutely time for a call. If you were asking for help then maybe there is reason to pause but just to give her a positive update on something she was involved in, what could be wrong? That sounds like literally the most benign kind of conversation to have. Should someone not have that kind of human contact for a prolonged time? During Shiva they are supposed to not distract from the mourning. Beyond that, they may not be expected to return to full functioning, but I can't think of a single reason to actively avoid talking to them.

amother

Taupe

Wed, Nov 14 2018, 11:31 pm

seeker wrote:

I’m sure she is having conversations. However, as I stated, the relationship isn’t an equal one but one of a mentor/teacher/guidance. So while she is speaking to others, I wasn’t sure if it’s appropriate for me to be in contact with her. Which is why I’ve held off.

amother

Emerald

Thu, Nov 15 2018, 3:51 am

OP, I applaud your sensitivity Smile

amother

Taupe

Thu, Nov 15 2018, 4:59 pm

Thanks for all the replies! I just wanted to update by saying that I ended up doing her a favor (not requested by her but by her relative for her) and she called me to thank me. And to break the ice and let me know that she’s ready and available to resume the relationship. So it all worked out!

amother

Chartreuse

Thu, Nov 15 2018, 6:30 pm

I'm so happy for you!

Cheiny

Thu, Nov 15 2018, 7:25 pm

amother wrote:

Can you just send flowers and a thank you card?

Then when she's ready she can contact you.

You’re not allowed to give gifts to an aveil.

Cheiny

Thu, Nov 15 2018, 7:25 pm

amother wrote:

Can you just send flowers and a thank you card?

Then when she's ready she can contact you.

You’re not allowed to give gifts to an Aveil.

amother

Taupe

Fri, Nov 16 2018, 12:57 am

Cheiny wrote:

You’re not allowed to give gifts to an Aveil.

I had already replied that flowers seems inappropriate to send. But technically speaking once shloshim is over you are allowed to - it just feels “off”. Regardless, I opened this thread in an effort to hear what is appropriate. I was told that it is ok to attempt to make contact at this point. And in the end I did not need to as events led to her reaching out to me first. Alls well that ends well

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