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My husband says he got used to me
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amother




Salmon


Post  Thu, Nov 15 2018, 12:19 am
We are married for only a few months and my husband says he got used to me already and I don’t excite him anymore. I don’t think he loves me. He comes home and doesn’t even want to talk to me he just wants to relax in front of the computer. I have been niddah for a while and I asked him if he misses me and he says that he doesn’t and that he got used to me already and doesn’t feel the same way that he did before.
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familyfirst









  


Post  Thu, Nov 15 2018, 12:33 am
How painful to hear that 😢
Awful!

This is not good. Anyone you can speak to who can advise both of you?
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chestnut









  


Post  Thu, Nov 15 2018, 12:38 am
Could it be that he isn't sure how to relate to you because you've been Niddah for most of this time? Some men are known to be distant when in Niddah cause they don't know how to relate during that time, in a non loving way...
Definitely need to talk to someone (maybe your kallah teacher who can talk to his chosson teacher if he was good? Or your Rebbetzin?)
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crust









  


Post  Thu, Nov 15 2018, 12:40 am
Op how is your marriage otherwise?
How are his moods otherwise?

There can be a host of reasons for this behavior- Depression, burnout and issues outside the bedroom to name a few.

The bottom line is that he has commited to give it to you and being that he's a practicing Jew, he is obligated to stick to this commitment. (There are various halachas involved.)

If he feels a lack of attraction he cant just shut down and do nothing about it.

At the very least he owes it to you (and probably to himself) to check out what the underlying reason for the dis-attraction is.
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amother




Salmon


Post  Thu, Nov 15 2018, 12:45 am
He was very much in love with me and wanted to get married to me as soon as possible before we got married. He even wanted to break Shomer Negia with me and I didn’t allow him. Shortly after our wedding we started getting into a lot of arguments because of someone from his family who didn’t like me and it caused a lot of distance between us. I am heartbroken that this happened to our marriage.


crust wrote:
Op how is your marriage otherwise?
How are his moods otherwise?

There can be a host of reasons for this behavior- Depression, burnout and issues outside the bedroom to name a few.

The bottom line is that he has commited to give it to you and being that he's a practicing Jew, he is obligated to stick to this commitment. (There are various halachas involved.)

If he feels a lack of attraction he cant just shut down and do nothing about it.

At the very least he owes it to you (and probably to himself) to check out what the underlying reason for the dis-attraction is.
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NovelConcept









  


Post  Thu, Nov 15 2018, 1:20 am
I'm not here to tell you what is wrong, but there is something very wrong happening there and you should talk to someone in real life who is trained in recognizing and helping to solve problems in marriage.
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NovelConcept









  


Post  Thu, Nov 15 2018, 1:22 am
BTW, may I ask if you have any specific background that is not the norm? I don't want to get into all the stories here, but it may factor into the difficulties that you are facing. (I'm not implying any of it is your fault!)
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ectomorph









  


Post  Thu, Nov 15 2018, 2:12 am
Being nidda in the beginning of marriage is very difficult for a hisband. I hope you're asking a rabbi your shaylas and not just assuming you are nidda
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amother




Aqua


Post  Thu, Nov 15 2018, 4:06 am
It sounds like he didn't want to get married for the right reasons. He wanted z-ex . Once he had it , the excitement was gone. Because right now he can't have it. Sounds like most college guys who have a one night stand. In their case they obviously don't get married before .. so they're free to leave.

I'm sorry that you're in this situation. You shouldn't be blaming yourself. And whoever wrote: it's difficult for a man to be in a newmarriage where the wife is a niddah.. excuse me?? Shes not a hooker.. she's his WIFE. If he didn't only marry her to sleep with her , he wouldn't have a difficult time. They can talk, go out, take walks, take a road trip .. whatever they want. A normal man also appreciates other things bedies z-ex.

OP did you confront him about this? Told him how much it bothers you? That you don't feel appreciated? It doesn't matter if he's used to you. My husband also says he's used to me... In the sense that he would really miss me if I wasn't around. Of course the OMG I'm so in love feeling fades.. but that doesn't mean one doesn't want to spend time with each other.

I'd be honest and blunt with him and see how he reacts.
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amother




Coral


Post  Thu, Nov 15 2018, 4:28 am
This is very troubling. In light of all the threads about husbands with personality disorders, you may want to consider birth control until you have a better handle on what's going on. If this guy is this off from the beginning that's a pretty serious red flag. I don't even want to mention the d-word, because maybe this is totally solvable. But if this continues to go sour divorce is infinitly harder once there are children involved.
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crust









  


Post  Thu, Nov 15 2018, 7:37 am
Op I'm sorry I didn't realize you are only married for a few months. It's very different.
I encourage you to seek help irl.
Do you have someone to talk to?
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Simple1









  


Post  Thu, Nov 15 2018, 7:52 am
amother wrote:
Shortly after our wedding we started getting into a lot of arguments because of someone from his family who didn’t like me and it caused a lot of distance between us. I am heartbroken that this happened to our marriage.




This is a big problem and has to stop. I hope you can find a professional to help you sort this out.
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amother




Bronze


Post  Thu, Nov 15 2018, 8:05 am
Generally its best to find someone in real life with whom to discuss this. Its usually better to define and discuss with a trusted mentor IRL.
She can make sure what is going on and not jump to conclusions or under react either hopefully.
While it does sound way off from what you describe, sometimes its more a lack of understanding or lack of clear communication or literalness or insensitivity. I hope so.
Good of you for not breaking shomer negia during your engagement. It does also show something that he tried to "make" you break it...? Hopefully this is just a rocky beginning still Id advise proceeding with caution.
hugs and hatzlocha
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causemommysaid









  


Post  Thu, Nov 15 2018, 8:12 am
If I were you I would get on birth control asap until you figure this out.

Then find a rav or a therapist to help you.

Something sounds off about him.
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Metukah









  


Post  Thu, Nov 15 2018, 9:12 am
The title of your thread should have been a great thing.

It's great when a couple get used to living with each other. I'm married 11 years, imagine if we weren't used to each other, we'd be getting on each other's nerves.

I don't think the issue is getting used to.

I don't have any great advice, only my true sympathy.

Get a great therapist and please please go on BC. Don't bring a child into this. It won't make it better.
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jewishmom6









  


Post  Thu, Nov 15 2018, 10:19 am
This sounds awful and totally not normal and not okay. Please listen to all the above posters suggestions. My heart goes out to you.
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amother




Lemon


Post  Thu, Nov 15 2018, 12:03 pm
amother wrote:
Shortly after our wedding we started getting into a lot of arguments because of someone from his family who didn’t like me and it caused a lot of distance between us. I am heartbroken that this happened to our marriage.




Try to make peace here even if you are totally in the right. It casts shadows over the best marriages.
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Seas









  


Post  Thu, Nov 15 2018, 12:19 pm
Tell him to get off his blankety blank computer and install a proper filter.

I'm never one to write bad things about someone else's spouse, and certainly not one to diagnose from afar. But there's no question in my mind if a newlywed man isn't get excited by his wife when she's niddah, he is finding excitement elsewhere.
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amother




Purple


Post  Thu, Nov 15 2018, 1:19 pm
I am so sorry OP, what he said is really not ok. Honestly, even if he felt that way, he should never have said it to you like that. Did he realized he was hurting you when he said it. I think the 2 of you should go immediately for marital therapy to get help and a perspective on what is going on with the relationship. If he refuses, then you go alone to figure out how to handle this situation.
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FranticFrummie









  


Post  Thu, Nov 15 2018, 1:30 pm
amother wrote:
It sounds like he didn't want to get married for the right reasons. He wanted z-ex . Once he had it , the excitement was gone. Because right now he can't have it. Sounds like most college guys who have a one night stand. In their case they obviously don't get married before .. so they're free to leave.


That's what I was thinking. There are men (and women) out there, who are intoxicated by the chase, the romance, the dating - but once they get their prize all the sparkle goes away. They weren't in love, they were in love with the idea of being in love.

It's like a kid competing in a sports event. During the game he's giving his whole heart and soul to the pursuit of winning. When he wins the game is named Most Valuable Player, he gets a shiny trophy, and he's so proud!

Then the trophy gathers dust on a shelf and is forgotten.
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