How did Chanukah become about the gifts

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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Chanukah

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Chayalle

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 2:37 pm

OK, I'll admit it - the thread about getting free gifts for kids for Chanukah has me triggered.

Let me first say that I'm totally happy for kids to get gifts, and I found it heartwarming to see how many posters responded about wanting to help, or share their own kids' gifts (wonderful lesson in Chinuch that we don't always need everything we get, and we can share it with those who got less than us, for whatever reason.)

But I feel sad that for some, the joy of Chanuka is boiled down to being able to hand their kids a gift-wrapped package from the local toy store.

How did we get to the point that the commercialism that has NOTHING to do with this holy holiday crept into our society so much?

As a Kollel family on a limited income, Chanuka has never been about gifts in my home (though I won't say I never gave my kids gifts, and when I can I do try to buy each of my kids a gift, usually a combination of what they might like and I can afford.....or something the whole family can enjoy, like a game....). We have also never encouraged our kids to look thru catalogs to see what's out there, and let them know what they might be missing. I was taught that that's like taking a kid into a toy store - no matter what you buy them, there are 5000 items you left behind. I don't leave those flyers lying around the house.

Instead, Chanuka to us is about lighting the Menorah together and singing songs....playing with our collection of dreidels, trying out yummy recipes for donuts (I like to try a different one every year, but my kids are actually requesting an oldie....) and latkes and other such treats....family game nights (it's okay to have some fun!) with cousins, etc...and talking about the miracles that Hashem did for us then and continues to do today.

I really don't mean to sound preachy and I'm happy for all the kids out there whose faces light up when they get their gifts....my own observation, though, is that that kind of joy is short-lived. You can give your kids way more than that by creating happy memories.

So if your budget doesn't allow for those wrapped gifts, don't think you are not giving your kids a happy childhood. They don't have to miss out. There's so much more that you can give them than what's advertised out there as a must by the toy companies.

thunderstorm

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 2:45 pm

My DH told the kids that there will be no gifts this year. We will have an amazing Chanuka regardless.
I may give them $5 each in Chanuka gelt and let them spend it as they wish. My non frum uncle usually sends a $50 check and I'll buy them something with that. But in all honesty I never grew up receiving Chanuka presents other than from my non religious relatives.
My DH never received Chanuka gifts either.
I always used Chanuka as a time to give my kids something "extra " ( last year that meant a Shabbos coat my son wanted and a pair of boots my other kid wanted) but this year tuition has doubled for us and I'm not working, so we are strapped.
I will be creative and make it an enjoyable one but deep down I do feel bad that they know that they are not receiving anything special this year.

simcha2

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 2:47 pm

I'm with you.

We don't do chanukah gifts. Now before you all me scrooge (or scroogestein), my kids are not deprived. They get some gifts (one each from each set of grandparents, another couple from aunts and uncles) and in general my kids have all their needs and a lot of their wants.

It just smacks of chok hagoyim to me and to have a chag where the focus is on "what am I getting?" makes me a little nauseous.

This is a decision we have made for our family and in no way should someone understand it as a judgment on theirs if they do differently.

(We're MO, so coming from a different world than Chayalle).

Chayalle

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 2:48 pm

But that's just it thunderstorm. You will put your best effort into giving your kids a happy chanuka. Why should you feel bad? You should feel great at the good Chinuch your kids are getting.

I know people whose kids get "everything" and their kids are no happier than mine. In fact maybe less.....the kids play with the toy for a day or 2, and then it's on to the next thing. "things" don't fill kids. Get them together and make something delicious and homemade and spend time together, and you are giving your kids much more.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 2:50 pm

Jewish guilt.

We feel like we have to keep up with the the neighbors who have a pretty tree in their house.

For better or worse, wherever we are in the Diaspora, we take on some of the traditions of our host countries.

thunderstorm

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 2:56 pm

Chayalle wrote:

I agree. I know that my teens fully understand and know it's not all about presents. But my little ones had their hopes up.
My kids are not deprived so I know they will be ok. I just feel sad for dashing the little kids hopes. It probably bothers me more than it does them.

amother

Lemon

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 2:58 pm

I was surprised when I became more religious to find that Chanukah presents were so popular. It was well understood in my less-religious upbringing that Chanukah presents were a substitute for x-mas presents, and our parents didn't want us to feel left out. Dh's family is less Americanized and doesn't really "do" Chanukah gifts, so I'm even more surprised that so many really traditional families are into it.

amother

Pearl

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 2:59 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

Nope. Not for me. Has nothing to do with a tree or Xmas. I just enjoy the opportunity to buy my kids gifts and Bh I can afford the 20-25$ to do so. I love seeing their faces light up and it brings a warm happy feeling to Chanukah. If I was not able to afford gifts, I would try to bring that feeling in a dif way, but I don’t understand why I should feel like I’m doing terrible chinuch by enjoying buying them gifts.

amother

Lawngreen

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 3:01 pm

Chayalle wrote:

to compensate. not everyone/s child has siblings and family.
toys and making something together are not mutually exclusive.
toys can be used to create a good time too.

amother

Violet

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 3:07 pm

I remember hearing that it was to copy the nonJews who give out presents on x-mas. There supposedly is an inyan to give money though, not sure why.

We don't do the whole chanuka present thing. We give when we want to. I recently bought Catan (used to be setters of Catan) and my dd played it with my DH. I told her and her younger sister, remember we don't do chanukah presents Smile

We still have fun on chanukah Smile

thunderstorm

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 3:07 pm

amother wrote:

You are not doing terrible chinuch. It's just that the kids should be enjoying Chanuka for what it is. They should have the same excitement to light the menorah, play dreidel etc as they do when they receive gifts.
Many children DO enjoy all the festivities. However, gifts have become a focus in many homes and it sapped out the joy of the holiday itself. The focus shifted . There should be equal hype for the menorah lighting and singing as there is to receive a gift. So that if there won't be any gifts the excitement and joy for Chanuka should still be there and not feel like you didn't celebrate Chanuka.

Chayalle

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 3:18 pm

amother wrote:

You shouldn't. But if you couldn't afford it, or don't do Chanukah gifts for whatever reason, you shouldn't feel like your kids are missing out on Chanuka by not getting gifts. Because the gifts have nothing to do with our Chanuka tradition.

Chayalle

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 3:20 pm

amother wrote:

to compensate. not everyone/s child has siblings and family.
toys and making something together are not mutually exclusive.
toys can be used to create a good time too.

I hear. And if it works for you, great. My post was not meant to knock anyone's way of bringing joy to their children.

BTW my mother A"H was an only child. Her parents worked hard to foster close relationships with cousins, so that she would have family.

I guess there are people who have neither siblings nor family. That must be really tough. I'm really happy for them if their parents can bring them joy in whatever way possible.

keym

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 3:21 pm

I agree Chayalle.
A part that I'm guilty of is the opportunity for Black Friday and Xmas sales. I find I get more "bang for my buck" now. The $20 that usually can buy 100 legoes, can now buy 150 or even 200 legoes (let's say.)
So I end up buying a bigger gift now, and afikomen is more chatchkes. (As an aside, afikomen is during the most expensive season Pesach.)
But we only do one gift, and the rest is parties, crafts, baking, and games.

amother

Tangerine

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 3:24 pm

Chayalle wrote:

There is no mekor for giving Chanukah gifts.
In fact, this "custom" originates many years ago from American store owners. that wanted to commercialise this concept in order to boost their sales.
The actually idea came from the non Jewish tradition of giving Xmas gifts.

There is a proper mekor only for giving chanukah gelt (see Avnei Nezer, Mogen Avrohom)
I used to give gifts but when I found out that it comes from a non jewish idea חוקת הגוי, I switched to giving money.

Ruchel

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 3:28 pm

When did Xmas become about this?
Because materialism.
I personally enjoy gifts. I just want it to be first about CHANUKA, before the gifts.

amother

Apricot

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 3:43 pm

When everyone else's kid is coming in talking about the cool things they got, it's hard to know your kid will be left out. It feels good to be able to give them something tangible. Other ways and focuses of Chanukah? For sure! But it hurts not to be able to provide even a little something and see their smile. The focus in our home is not gifts, and when the kids demand they don't get any. But a year we fall on really hard times- it's hard to just say "Nothing for you".

yo'ma

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 3:53 pm

My kids never got gifts for chanukah. Bh they get plenty of gifts other times. I give chanukah gelt and the younger ones barely even know about that because I have an envelope for each of them and add $8 to it each year, but since I want to put dollars and not pesos in it, I don't give it to them because I usually don't have and write it on the envelope. I know it kind of defeats the purpose of chanukah gelt, but that's what I do. I only started giving them any gelt when we moved away. Before that my mother used to give each of my children one for each night of chanukah and that's why I do it.

My younger kids, 8 and 11 don't even know about chanukah gifts. I asked them after reading this thread what chanukah is about (not the story) and they said, lighting the menorah/chanukiah and playing dreidel Smile

. I tried to coax them to see if they'll say anyhting else, so they added haneiros halalu and maoz tzur. I make latkes and donuts, but I guess they forgot about eating oily foods.

My older kids, 14 and up know about chanukah gelt and only know about gifts because they did live in NY and some do so now. I don't think it means anything to them though because I never made a fuss about gifts. My love language is not gifts, so I think that also makes a difference. I didn't grow up with getting gifts except for pesach for afikomen.

icebreaker

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 4:03 pm

If there is one thing I appreciate from my childhood, it’s that Chanuka presents were not a thing. We got some nosh, sometimes a couple dollars to buy more nosh from Bubbe amd Zeidy and that was it. I’m not opposed to little gifts. But I’ve met people who’ve spent $200-300 per kid. What?! But I don’t judge. We’re all only trying to do our best.

amother

Natural

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 4:47 pm

I and dh are bt. His parents like to buy Chanukah gifts for the kids. The also buy an Xmas gift for another (Jewish) grandchild who has a non Jewish father and celebrates Xmas. My kids, who were in pubic school until middle school, say quietly to me "uch why do they have to do that it's so xmasy"?? But being kids, they accept them none the less.

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