Chanukah party | Imamother

teachkids

Tue, Nov 27 2018, 5:16 pm

She might not be comfortable asking you as a DIL so she asked her daughters to mention it to you instead.

teachkids

Tue, Nov 27 2018, 5:17 pm

amother wrote:

This year she might have a reason why she isn't making a party, do you think if we all invite her this year, then that's gonna happen every year & we can say goodbye to our once a year family get together?

It sounds like you're more worried about the party ending from your needs. If it bothers you that much, you can make it.

amother

Pink

Tue, Nov 27 2018, 7:05 pm

amother wrote:

For years we are all dividing the food for the party so it wasn't all on her

Food isn't the only component. Money, time, organizing, preparations, and cleanup are all part of it too. Did your family contribute to all of the above? It may very well be it has become too much for your MIL to handle.

amother

Pink

Tue, Nov 27 2018, 7:08 pm

amother wrote:

Is the party dependent on that one person? Why don't you and your SILs get together and arrange it for the family? I don't think your MIL will have any issues attending the party as a guest instead of the host.

imasoftov

Wed, Nov 28 2018, 3:42 am

InnerMe wrote:

The bolded doesn't sit well with me.. why would she do it "through the grapevine?"

I was wondering about that too. I've seen situations where A decides that B ought to do something, B doesn't find out, doesn't do it, and A then gets upset at B.

Raisin

Wed, Nov 28 2018, 5:15 am

I think
a. Its perfectly reasonable that mil may not feel up to arranging a party. Maybe she is dealing with health issues she doesn't want to tell you about.
b. If you are sad not to have a family party, arrange one. Ask all your bils/sils to chip in for the cost of the hall, and each bring some food/paper goods. Maybe also a person to clean up. It often takes one person in the family to arrange things like this, no reason it shouldn't be you.
c. If b is not possible, and even it is, of course you should invite your mil over. She shouldn't have to ask for an invitation - its shocking to me that you wouldn't think of it on your own. Maybe she resents that she is always hosting or arranging the party and her kids don't invite her too often.

allthingsblue

Wed, Nov 28 2018, 7:41 am

imasoftov wrote:

I was wondering about that too. I've seen situations where A decides that B ought to do something, B doesn't find out, doesn't do it, and A then gets upset at B.

If it's through the grapevine then it's all hearsay and we don't know that that's in fact what the mother in law said/wanted.
Perhaps someone spoke on her behalf etc.

amother

Firebrick

Wed, Nov 28 2018, 11:34 am

Whatever. Most people will not understand. Every family has their own dynamics. If you don't see the whole picture, its hard to know. A relationship is layers upon layers.

amother

Pink

Wed, Nov 28 2018, 11:51 am

amother wrote:

Whatever. Most people will not understand. Every family has their own dynamics. If you don't see the whole picture, its hard to know. A relationship is layers upon layers.

True. But its also true that sometimes a new pair of eyes gives a fresh perspective to people long enmeshed in a situation.

It's also true that sometimes we see what we want to see and refuse to acknowledge what's staring in our faces.

I'm not saying that any of these apply to your situation, since I don't know more than what you put down in words. But the possibilities of those being applicable here is equal to the veracity of your statement.

nechamashifra

Wed, Nov 28 2018, 1:22 pm

amother wrote:

It's a lot of stuff that are bothering me. Would you say in such a case that children feel entitled to have a Chanukah party or is mom acting entitled to be hosted every night but without contributing towards it? In other words she wants to see the children & grandchildren but without the work?

I never knew that if grandparents wanted to see their kids and grandkids, they were required to put in the work. In fact, I thought visiting/inviting parents and grandparents was the norm and the least we could do.

This is a new concept to me. Rolling Eyes

amother

Cyan

Thu, Nov 29 2018, 2:05 pm

amother wrote:

Her huge work was done over 20+ years of raising her kids.

Making a huge party for kids and grandkids is never a must.

Kibbud Av Vem is a must.