At what age considered normal to send a child to play at nei

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

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amother

Lilac

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 1:48 am

My neighbor sends a not yet 2 year old to knock on my door to play with my kids.
I think this is crazy, but my DH doesn’t seem to think so? I don’t even send my 3 year old to play anywhere even when invited first.
What do you think?

amother

Tangerine

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 1:50 am

Sounds too young. Do you live in the same building? Even still...

DrMom

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 1:51 am

If this in a apartment building, where your neighbor is in the apartment across the hall, then I don't see the problem.

If it's a not-yet-2yo traipsing across a driveway and lawn and potentially toddling out into traffic, then I think it's a problem.

amother

Lilac

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 1:58 am

Op here
Yes it’s same building.
I think you are missing the point.
I don’t think the GETTING to my house is crazy, I think the child BEING at my house uninvited is the problem.
I have bh many kids of my own, including a baby, and I’m not really in the mood of another toddler, thank you very much.

amother

Tangerine

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 1:59 am

Its cultural

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 2:01 am

I think in some communities it is accepted as completely normal.
Personally, I think that at that age, its still a bit too young to come unannounced.

flowerpower

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 2:02 am

Not before age 4!

Rappel

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 2:16 am

Cultural? Mmmm....I don't see it. Sending a toddler alone is insensitive, no matter which culture.

In my neighborhood, most mothers won't send their children alone to anyone until they're certain they are old enough to behave themselves. (The few that do are often overwhelmed in general, and can't look after their toddlers.)

If they were going to send a toddler over to play, then they would send him with a capable older brother/sister to look after him.

Much more common is inviting your child over to play, either at their house or outside.

I would consider that a cultural norm.

Last edited by Rappel on Sun, Dec 23 2018, 3:19 am; edited 1 time in total

Iymnok

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 2:23 am

I’d say about 4. Before that is called free babysitting.

dankbar

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 3:05 am

I declined when neighbor wanted to send her toddler alone into my house to play with mine.

DrMom

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 3:15 am

amother wrote:

So send him away. "Sorry, Shlomie can't play now. Bye bye!"

I wouldn't confront the mother. You never know when you will need that playdate. It's nice to have someone nearby your kids can play with from time to time.

Ravenclaw

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 3:31 am

Under three I think it’s totally inappropriate. I have had neighbors who wouldn’t let their 5 year old come and play unless I allowed the 2 year old younger sibling to come along. (But my 2 year old will be bored!) I felt that was unfair to the older sibling (who is a kid and not responsible for the 2 year old’s boredom) and of course to me. because I refused to babysit my neighbors toddler, my daughter couldn’t play with her friend who I didn’t mind letting in.
From 3 I don’t think it is totally inappropriate, but I would judge according to the child’s nature and wouldn’t have the kid knock in uninvited without calling the mother first. It is very awkward to have to turn away a child when you are allowing other (older) neighbors in.

thunderstorm

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 5:30 am

Not sure why everyone finds it inappropriate. We lived in apartments when the kids were younger. They always played by the neighbor across the hall or upstairs and vice versa.
I also had neighbors age 18 months and up come over to my house to play with my toddler and my child .
I always had neighbors kids in my apartment. When I felt it was time , I'd just send them home. It's ok to say "not now, maybe some other time". But it's ok for a two year old to come over and play.

amother

Aqua

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 6:01 am

I had the exact same problem!!!! By me it went so:
Two years ago when I had only two kids, ages 4 and 1, my neighbor 1 who has kids ages 4,2 and a half and 1, used to let her kids wander around the building alone. At first they would knock to their next door neighbor 2 who was kids ages 5 and 1, and they would pick up the 4yo and then they would come to me. At first I found it very nice that they all like coming to play with my kids as we just have moved into the building. Until one day the neighbor 1 kids brought another 2 kids which were their guests and started playing here. I had a feeling that this is not right but for the sake of my kids I decided to stay silent. Then I got pregnant and I started working and I simply could not have them all here at once. Forgot to mention that they would bang literally bang on the door on shabbos morning from 7am until I opened the door. And I started telling them my kids are still sleeping/sick/have other plans. After a while neighbour 1 mom called me and asked why am I not letting her kids come and play anymore and I said Im just really busy and tierd and cant have anyone over and begged her to understand. I couldn’t tell her Im pregnant bc I was few weeks only. Forgot to mention that anytime when they came I asked if my 4yo could come to neighbour 1 to play, her kids would respond “Mommy is sleeing/tierd/cleaning”.
After I confronted her, few weeks later I heard from neighbor 2 that neighbor 1 was talking lashon hara about me and my husband. And thats when I said thats it. Everytin they would knock we would tell them we cant play now another time. And their mother became so upset that both her and her husband stopped talking to us. I never ever sent my kids uninvited to someone, I feel it’s extremely rude. If you want a playdate then ask and come together when good for both sides.
Ever since then they never knocked on the door. And they still up to this day wander around alone in the building, once I saw them walkingn alone on the street to the shul. We live in a big city btw. Shul around the corner but still in my opinion its not safe for little kids.

Its just a shame bc our kids played nice together but what can I do when I feel I was only been used as a free babysitter Sad

Rappel

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 6:32 am

thunderstorm wrote:

Where I live, it would be inappropriate because my neighbors are too nice to tell me if my child is being a nuisance.

Everyone here is so busy being sweet, and neighbourly, and Dan lekaf zechut, that they wouldn't say anything at all unless it were drastically bad timing for him to come over.

I don't want to ever breach their boundaries that way, nor put them in a position where they would have to complain - another social "faux pas" around here.

I give them that courtesy, and they treat me similarly.

This doesn't mean that we don't have playdates - for sure we do! But if I'm bringing my toddler over to someone else, then I'll be there, and I'll be chatting with and helping the mother we're visiting.

(Other moms do sometimes watch my kids, but they're so little that that is basically free babysitting, so I make certain to show them my gratitude by helping them in turn.)

southernbubby

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 7:53 am

I have seen these "neighborly" situations in buildings get very far out of hand. I have seen where boundaries can be unfairly crossed. It is embarrassing to have to set limits with people who you see daily but if you don't, good luck having a life of your own!

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 8:11 am

It's cultural.

In my community, kids don't go over uninvited by an adult until they are old enough to make their own social plans. If a parent of a younger child needs a break, for whatever reason, they will call first and ask if it's ok.

In general, we don't have "drop off" play dates until about age 3 or so, unless it's a special circumstance.

amother

Lilac

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 10:39 am

Op here
I’m feeling quite validated!
My DH started thinking that I’m being “rigid”!
I’m the type of person that can’t say no, so it was getting to a point where I always busy making sure that the door stays closed etc.
It was getting to be a little much where every time my door was open for whatever reason the kid would show up!

Surrendered

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 10:44 am

Is the mother aware that the child is wandering off to you? Is she actually sending off the child often without asking you? She might not even know the kid runs over to you. If you don't want the kid at a certain time, just send him back home.

abound

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 10:58 am

I would not send my child over (no matter the age) without a phone call first. I have neigbors that do. Our kids are friends (under 2 also) when they come, I call the parent and tell them your child came in, and if I cant or don't want to have them, I call the parent and say, its not a good time, I am sending my child back home. The only reason I call is because I have a neurotic sense of responsibility but not because I feel I have to.
I think your inability to say no, its not a good time is making you make this other person into a terrible person. Everyone has their own quirks and ways of living. Live and let live, if it works for you good, if it does not say bye sweetie! YOu need to come another time.
And if you have a child that age, your door should ALWAYS be closed, nothing to do with the neighbors.

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