How did you survive the first year with twins?

finprof

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 6:36 am

My twins are only 3 months and are both currently screaming in their carrier as I write this so feel free to ignore because I clearly don't have everything figured out! That being said I won't complain about your DH not doing nights because mine is the same. This is what maternity leave is for. If he doesn't get it and you do, you will have to do the majority of night feedings. It sucks but that's life.

My DH held the babies while I "cooked" dinner (premade frozen meal, salad or crockpot creation). Then fed them bottles from 6:30/7pm to 11pm while I slept. That was all here could handle and we survived.

Here's what helps (and still likely get me screamed at here):
-formula ( yes I am breastfeeding and do pump but they sleep for longer streaches on formula and need to learn to use a bottle when I go back to work)
- swing ( one twin needed to sleep propped up)
- expensive double carrier (weego twin), I found one used and wear them so I can cook & clean
-6yr old holds baby when necessary
- Friends and Shul ladies who would hold babies so I could nap

Mine now sleep 6-8 hrs although there are still bad nights. Remember, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Good luck!

erm

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 9:36 am

Mazel tov!! I'm not sure if I can help, since I loved the first 2 years that I had my twins. I had no help (aside from a nurse for about 2 weeks). I had both of them on the same feeding and sleeping schedule. I would wake one, if the other woke up to eat. I did prop bottles at an early age, so that feeding time went faster. I did not leave them while the bottles were propped, but was at least able to get them eating at the same time and then took turns burping them. My best help was my husband feeding them at 5am before he left to learn. That way I had a sleep stretch from 2-7 which was a huge help. I was then able to get up and help my older kids get ready for school. I made doubles of suppers and would freeze half. This way I always had something to pull out if the day was to hectic too cook. Hatzlachah I found twins to be the biggest brocha. They now have a built in playmate. It is the best!

Last edited by erm on Wed, Jan 02 2019, 5:52 pm; edited 1 time in total

Fox

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 10:00 am

Boy, oh boy, some of these posts brought back memories! Which I guess is a bracha because I have virtually no memories of the mid-90s: special-needs 5-year-old; 3-year-old; 2-year-old; and newborn twins. And back to work 9-3 after a month. I think I'm just starting to recover! Very Happy

* Hire someone for nights at least 2-3 nights a week. As others have said, take tzeddekah for this; go into debt; ask parents and relatives; make deals with people . . . whatever is necessary.

* I'm assuming you're in Israel based on your screen name. If so, get chesed volunteers from seminaries, etc. Since they usually only stay an hour or two, use that time to get out of your house/apartment with your older kids.

* Throw out any goals of nutrition or cleanliness for at least a year. If your kids have eaten enough of any food-like substance to still walk and haven't developed skin problems from dirty clothes, you're doing magnificently.

* If you can somehow carve out the space, consider an au pair.

It will get better, and the nachas you get will be doubled. My twins are 23 and both married. One is living in EY for 1-2 years while her husband learns, and the other lives three blocks from me. The nearby twin, who is in nursing school, worked a million jobs and gigs the past 6 months to save enough for her and her DH to visit her twin in EY this past week. Even seeing them together via Skype was incredibly moving -- it's a bond that most of us never experience.

And after 23 years, I'm almost caught up on my sleep!

amother

Amethyst

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 10:02 am

erm wrote:

Mazel tov!! I'm not sure if I can help, since I loved the first 2 years that I had my twins. I had no help (aside from a nurse for about 2 weeks). I had both of them on the same feeding and sleeping schedule. I would wake one, if the other woke up to eat. I did prop bottles at an early age, so that feeding time went faster. I did not leave them while the bottles were propped, but was at least able to get them eating at the same time and then took turns burping them. My best help was my husband feeding them at 5am before he left to learn. That way I had a sleep stretch from 2-7 which was a huge help. I was then able to get up and help my older kids get ready for school. I made doubles of suppers and would freeze half. This way I always had something to pull out if the day was to hectic to cook. Hatzlachah I found twins to be the biggest brocha. They now have a built in playmate. It is the best!

Not op- just amazed smooth you make it sound! Good idea about waking a baby to get them to eat at the same time! I wish you could know op in real life and go over to her a few times to help her. Don’t know how you weren’t overwhelmed!

amother

Jade

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 11:17 am

My twins are three months old. I only came home when they were 5 weeks old (I was by my mother and a kimpeturin heim till then) and I only brought home my 2 year old (from my mother) when the twins were 2 months old. I'm not very overwhelmed (most of the time) and the way I do it is like this:
#1: I took it slow. I didn't go home right away and my 2 year old stayed by my mother for a long time. So when I did come home and then when she did, I was starting with a full tank... I wasn't on empty like I was right when they were born.
#2: I keep them on the same feeding schedule. They eat at 10 am, 1 pm, 4 pm, 7 pm, 10 pm, 2 am, and 6 am. I don't wake them if they're both sleeping, so sometimes it gets moved up by a half hour or so, but this is the basic schedule. BH they give me longer stretches at night now, they often skip the 10 pm, and/or the 2 am feedings. (But then they wake up a little earlier, like at 5 am)
And if one wakes up (and it's 3 or 4 hours already) I wake up the other one, change both diapers and feed both babies.
#3: My husband helps! He works full time (he's out of the house from 7:00 am till 6:10 pm) but when he's home he helps. If the babies wake up at night, I wake up my husband and he takes one baby. He also helps with my older kid (gets her into bed...)
#4: I have a cleaning lady that comes twice a week so I don't have to do any cleaning. I do declutter here and there because she only comes twice a week, but if I don't have the energy for it, I just leave everything as is and she takes care of it.
#5: I don't make supper. I'm lucky, my mother filled up my freezer with single portion suppers in microwavable containers, but if I wouldn't have that, there's sandwiches, pizza, or cereal and milk.
#6: I do get dressed (almost) every day, because otherwise I feel gross. But not necessarily before noon. I usually get dressed when my pajamas gets dirty from spit up (my babies spit up A LOT) so sometimes it's in the morning and sometimes later.
#7: I hope to go back to work in a couple of weeks so I get a bit of a break in middle of the day, because after all, I do need a break...

Can you try to implement some of these points? Most important is keeping babies on the same schedule and getting help from your husband at night. One night I tried to be "supermom" and didn't wake my husband. I did the feeding myself and paid for it the next day. Not worth it.
Please - just have him read these posts so he can see how unreasonable it is for you to do everything!
Hatzlacha Rabbah! I just keep a picture of Pesach in my mind. IYH it'll be easier by then!

amother

Amethyst

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 12:28 pm

amother wrote:

My twins are three months old. I only came home when they were 5 weeks old (I was by my mother and a kimpeturin heim till then) and I only brought home my 2 year old (from my mother) when the twins were 2 months old. I'm not very overwhelmed (most of the time) and the way I do it is like this:
#1: I took it slow. I didn't go home right away and my 2 year old stayed by my mother for a long time. So when I did come home and then when she did, I was starting with a full tank... I wasn't on empty like I was right when they were born.
#2: I keep them on the same feeding schedule. They eat at 10 am, 1 pm, 4 pm, 7 pm, 10 pm, 2 am, and 6 am. I don't wake them if they're both sleeping, so sometimes it gets moved up by a half hour or so, but this is the basic schedule. BH they give me longer stretches at night now, they often skip the 10 pm, and/or the 2 am feedings. (But then they wake up a little earlier, like at 5 am) Ex. last night they ate at 8:20, went to sleep at around 9:40 and woke up at 5:20 this morning.
And if one wakes up (and it's 3 or 4 hours already) I wake up the other one, change both diapers and feed both babies.
#3: My husband helps! He works full time (he's out of the house from 7:00 am till 6:10 pm) but when he's home he helps. If the babies wake up at night, I wake up my husband and he takes one baby. He also helps with my older kid (gets her into bed...)
#4: I have a cleaning lady that comes twice a week so I don't have to do any cleaning. I do declutter here and there because she only comes twice a week, but if I don't have the energy for it, I just leave everything as is and she takes care of it.
#5: I don't make supper. I'm lucky, my mother filled up my freezer with single portion suppers in microwavable containers, but if I wouldn't have that, there's sandwiches, pizza, or cereal and milk.
#6: I do get dressed (almost) every day, because otherwise I feel gross. But not necessarily before noon. I usually get dressed when my pajamas gets dirty from spit up (my babies spit up A LOT) so sometimes it's in the morning and sometimes later.
#7: I hope to go back to work in a couple of weeks so I get a bit of a break in middle of the day, because after all, I do need a break...

Can you try to implement some of these points? Most important is keeping babies on the same schedule and getting help from your husband at night. One night I tried to be "supermom" and didn't wake my husband. I did the feeding myself and paid for it the next day. Not worth it.
Please - just have him read these posts so he can see how unreasonable it is for you to do everything!
Hatzlacha Rabbah! I just keep a picture of Pesach in my mind. IYH it'll be easier by then!

You’re managing because you had/have a ton of help from your family.
It doesn’t seem like op has that option.
Moving in to your mother, keeping your toddler away from home for 2 months, your mom stocking your freezer are great ways to cope but that wouldn’t be an option for everyone with twins and toddlers.
Op needs coping advice for living without help

lovetobemommy

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 12:44 pm

Hi, mazel tov!
My twins are now 4 and they're the cutest thing on earth!
I'm a full time nursing mom, I went to kimpeturin heim for the first 2 weeks where we worked to put them on the same schedule, when I came home I hired a 24 hour nurse from rock a bye baby, she was amazing! She handled them by herself at night giving them bottles for 6 hrs from 12-6 every single night!
I slept through for 6 hours every night for 6 month when they were 6 month old, I had to give up the nurse because I couldn't afford it anymore and they were sleeping for longer stretches already and still on the same schedule, I still needed the help in the afternoon as they are number 4&5 and my oldest is special needs so I asked my cleaning lady who by then loved them so much to come every afternoon for 3 hours which was very helpful, at 18 month I sent them to play group and that's when I started to feel normal and sane......
Now life with twins is pure blessings and joy!
Please take as much help as possible! My husband was also not able to help me much so I made sure to get outside help.
Hatslocha and lots of nachas!

melbee

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 12:59 pm

My twins are about to turn 2 and my family does not live nearby, although my mother did come for 2 weeks to help out. As others have said, when one woke up, we always woke up the other to eat at the same time and did diapers then too. We kept a small lamp on in our room so it was never too bright. DH was a huge help at night which was a game-changer for me. He would change the diaper of one while I fed the other and then we swapped so I never actually had to stand up. I don't think I got out of bed for months after they were born unless absolutely necessary. If your DH can't/won't help, a night nurse is probably necessary.

Don't feel bad accepting help! We got 2 weeks of meals from our community and froze a lot before they were born, but once those ran out we assumed pure survival mode and ate a lot of grilled cheese and fish sticks. I also got my first cleaning lady after they were born because I just could not keep up with the house (I have two older kids and did not need a cleaning lady then). I no longer needed her by around 9 months, so things do calm down, I promise! Our twins were born in January and we decided early on not to even bother trying to make Pesach and went to my in-laws.

I also gave up nursing full time around 4 months, which is the earliest I stopped. It was driving me nuts and I was stressed all the time, so we decided formula was better. I also had a chesed girl come but her only job was to play with my middle child as he was feeling very lonely and didn't understand losing his "baby" status so very abruptly and in such a big way.

I think my best advice is to be honest and patient with yourself about what you can handle and do NOT feel bad about anything you can't do.

turca

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 1:37 pm

I have 2 sets...
If u could afford help, that’s great! If you can’t, there are enough people around willing to help. Don’t be ashamed of asking!
If breastfeeding is getting too hard, give bottles ( either pumped milk or formula). Also if you need help to pay for formula, don’t be ashamed of asking.
I hope each baby has a good bouncing chair, sometimes making an investment in a good chair will take you a long way. Also swaddles. Both sets were swaddled till about 4 months; then I got them sleep sacks.
I did not like the double carrier. The only thing I accomplished was folding some clothing. Not worthy the investment.
I did get a large nursing pillow for twins. It also helped to nurse both at the same time. Or use it to give bottles while both babies stay there. By the oldest set I didn’t prop bottles as I only had 1 older child , but by the 2nd set I did prop since I had a large family by them. Just keep an eye and burp them if they need to be burped. I used bath towels to prop as they are fluffy and they are cotton.
Somehow, both sets were in the same schedule. If both babies weren’t up at the same time, by the time one baby was almost done , the other baby was up.
Simple meals are the best!
If you could send your older children to a gan, that would be great! They ll be happy about their days and you will be happy as well.
Whatever your husband is not happy about, let him take care of it himself. You did not get pregnant alone. You are still in recovery while adjusting to life with 2 babies. If he is complaining too much: make sure to have popcorn at home. It will keep his mouth busy chewing. Or sometimes just getting him out of the house might be a bigger help.
( learning?swimming?errands?)

amother

Jade

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 5:36 pm

amother wrote:

Yes, that's true. BH my mother was a great help to me. Shout out to my mom Smile

She's great!
We live in a different city so it's not like I get daily help from her, but she does help out the best she possibly can. I was just saying how I managed. Didn't mean to imply that the OP can do all of that. Just that she could take some of it. Whatever fits with her life.

Oh, and two things other people mentioned that I also do:
I got a twin nursing pillow and feed both babies at the same time. (I don't have enough milk though, so after nursing my husband and I each take a baby and feed formula. During the day, I put one baby on my lap and the other on a boppy pillow and hold both bottles)
And I definitely will go away for Pesach (another thing I wouldn't be able to do without family)

amother

Orange

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 6:40 pm

When we had twins, my sister was able to come and help for a few days. Then we were on our own, with my oldest (5), two toddlers and the babies.

WE WERE DROWNING.

My biggest advice? Stop with the expectations. Take each day at a time, where the goal is for all family members to ingest some calories, for you to get as much sleep as possible, and for you to have reasonably clean clothing. Take a few minutes to shovel a path through the house if necessary, but don't expect anything resembling normalcy. It's nuts, yes in a good way, but it is nuts.

Some things I did that made my life easier:

- Co-slept with both babies. (king size bed)
- Put all diapering equipment into a crate, had diaper pad on the bed permanently, and changed them there.
- Only easy food. Nothing that needs "babysitting" because you will rarely ever have 5 minutes without interruption.
- Hide away all clutter so it can't become a mess. Literally threw toys, papers, clothes, books etc. that I wasn't sure about but wasn't using NOW into garbage bags and put them into closets so that everything out was actually in use.
- Paper and plastic. We put clear plastic tablecloths on the bare table so we could just roll it up and put it away after eating.

amother

Magenta

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 6:47 pm

you will need extra hands. I highly recommend either moving in to parents or in laws or some other family member for the first few weeks. You might even need to get a night nurse so you can have sanity. There are organizations in brooklyn that can help out kempatorin aid, there is a support group for moms of multiples. there is a gemach that gives layette. you might need special formula for them depending on when you give birth and how they progress. it will be crazy for a while but it can be done! I also recommend stocking your freezer now with suppers to have after so your not left in a lurch. try calling some high schools and get high school girls to do chesed hours by you. sign up for wic, food stamps and whatever other government subsidy you can find that will help you out as you will need it.

Best of luck and feel good!

amother

Cerise

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 7:43 pm

I have twins bH. I totally hear you. You are in a more difficult position since your other children are much younger then mine. I was off to a good start because my mom stayed with me for a while. I don't know how you are even thinking about making dinner three weeks postpartum!! I didn't start until they were 3-4 months old. I had food in the freezer and there is always noodles and cheese for dinner Smile

And even now some days dinner just doesnt get made. No one's starved so far Smile

What's helped most is getting a girl to come do hw and play with my kids for an hour after school. See if you can find someone in your area, maybe a neighbor. I find that older elementary school/junior high is best since they are willing to and enjoy playing with little kids. Chessed girls are good too but it's usually a once a week thing, if that. I've also increased my cleaning ladys hours. Regarding sleep, try rock and plays. I swaddle them up and buckle them in the rock in play to sleep at night. I don't put them in it during the day because I'm concerned about them getting flat heads. I found that time just made things easier. At three weeks they are still so new to you. It's overwhelming. In a few months you will get to know each other better and it will get easier.

pause

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 8:43 pm

amother wrote:

For real???

Israeli_C

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 9:07 pm

Many thanks for all the great advice, thoughtful posts and kind words- you twin moms (and those who helped them!) are amazing!!

Re help from mom- my parents live in Europe so that one is unfortunately out the window. But BH although I'm living in a predominantly secular city, there's a handful of women from the synagogue I attend who have been really going above and beyond to help. It's part of a program to help women postpartum, but after 2 weeks it stops and now I'm struggling.

I spoke with my husband and it was very unsuccessful... He went to a shiuir and when he came in the door I'd just woken up because our 1.5 year old had gotten out of bed and was crying in he hall. I was 'on call' for the twins already and asked my husband to put him back to bed. When I turned to go back to the twins, my husband called after me "what kind of mother are you? You can't even hug your own son?" I can't describe how hurtful such a statement is, and it was only compounded by the sleep deprivation...

After a very painful 'conversation' my husband basically said all I do is ask him to do things and buy stuff and that I'm not taking care of the family, and that the twins shouldn't be waking as often as they do at night and that it's a sign I'm doing something wrong. Until now I've had to ask my husband to carry a baby in his arms when I reach breaking point and simply can't tend to both at the same time. He has never changed a diaper or given a bottle (and yes, I've asked but have given up trying).

I suggested doing 'shifts' where he'll mind them from 9pm til 12pm so I can sleep a bit before a long night with them. He was angry about the idea (even when I said it'd only be 3 days a week to allow him to go to shiuirim etc) and he said irritably "whatever you ask you always get anyway, what's the point in saying 'no' anymore?" The same guy doesn't ever go to bed before 11pm anyway because he's on the computer or reading til late.

I wish there was a Rav or person of authority he respected, but there isn't. He gets advice on everything except shalom bayit. I don't know what to do.