Child won't adjust to babysitter - have you dealt with this?

Tue, Feb 05 2019, 2:38 pm

I have a 17 month old boy who, for more than a year already, will not go to anyone but me. Sometimes my kids or husband, but only when in a good mood. We have tried many times to get him a babysitter at home, no luck. Recently, it seemed that he got a bit better with strangers, so we signed him up for 2 hrs per day of playgroup. The morah is really nice and is really trying to work with me, but he keeps crying most of the time he is there. It's already been a month and I am going nuts.

I have never heard of a baby (and neither has the morah) that will so persistently cry and not give in....I don't think it's fear, because he is familiar with the place (I sat there with him for two weeks before I left him there on his own), and because he pulls a similar shtick with my husband and kids sometimes. Basically, once he starts crying for me, he will not stop, and then the minute I pick him up, he is silent....Very flattering, but really really hard...

Has anyone dealt with a child this persistent? What did you do? Is there any sort of therapy or anything else you have heard of? I think this is really way beyond normal separation anxiety, and, as I said, he has had it since he was 6 months old or even younger....I don't want to traumatize him, but at the same time, I want to encourage him to get pas this stage...

TIA!

amother

Red

Tue, Feb 05 2019, 3:14 pm

I have a kid like this. She's a bit younger only 15 months but she really doesn't like anyone but me. As you say flattering but EXTREMELY difficult. I started sending her out recently and she's also just not adjusting. And I am not the type to give in to every cry even at this young age so it's not like she thinks anything is going to change. She's just attached to me like crazy. I can't really help you but totally can sympathize how frustrating it is!

Chayalle

Tue, Feb 05 2019, 3:34 pm

LO wrote:

Chayalle, I did about 1/2 hr per day, not a full day, and it was with the full blessing of the morah, because she saw that this wasn't a usual case....I don't think I give in to him too much if I already have him screaming at the playgroup for a full month! Smile

Some kids are exceptionally attached....my very easy-going, happy-go-lucky teen was very difficult at babysitters as a baby - three different babysitters refused to take her on because of her screaming. But by a year old she had calmed down significantly.

amother

Goldenrod

Wed, Feb 06 2019, 12:37 am

I had this with my youngest. I was working from home & thought it would be useful to send her to a neighbor for a few hours. The babysitter told me she just sits in her stroller & looks sad, she won't come out, she won't play.

I decided it wasn't worth it and kept her home. The next year she was ready for playgroup.

If it's not imperative for you to work outside the home, OP, it's really probably in the child's best interest to allow a baby to be a baby. As they say, "biz der chuppah" meaning, the child won't walk down to the chuppah with the pacifier or without letting go of you. It's eventally outgrown.

OTOH I remember when an older DD went to kindergarten - this was at 4, IIRC, there was a girl whose mother carried her kicking and screaming in to morah every day.

As a teen I saw her and sadly she looked like she had rejected her family's values. I don't know if there's a connection, but it seems possible.

amother

Mauve

Wed, Feb 06 2019, 1:03 am

I was like that when I was little. I remember kicking and screaming that my mother shouldn't leave. That was in nursery. My mother claims she sat in class for the first 2 weeks until she left me by myself. I was very traumatized and still have social anxiety as an adult. I still remember how hard it was for me. I was always resentful about my mom leaving me. And I think this caused me to have anxiety later on. I was always terrified of being left with someone else because I remembered how scary it was the first time. Please don't let your child cry because it will be difficult for you in the long run. Trauma lasts. I am so careful with my son. His Morah thinks I'm crazy because I'm so nervous he shouldn't cry even a drop. She said she has seen way worse cases than my son and doesn't know why I'm nervous. And I think the reason he is now so ok with being left alone is because I refused to leave him before he was 100 percent ready. I went along to school and stayed a whole day. After a few hours the school wanted me to leave so I said, ok I'm taking my son home with me . They thought crazy mother. He was so happy and played nicely when I was there and I wanted it to stay that way.

myname1

Wed, Feb 06 2019, 3:29 am

amother wrote:

Such an interesting perspective! But could it possibly be that you had some sort of anxiety issue before this all started, and that's why you had such a hard time and were left so traumatized? In all likelihood your son would have adjusted just fine. In fact, I would be worried that his sensing your worrying about his worrying would have more of a negative effect (chas v'shalom).

This is not meant as advice to the OP, whom I unfortunately have no advice for. I was thinking along the same lines as Chayalle at the beginning, that giving in was the issue, but then I saw that you were at this for a month already (as you later pointed out), so I reconsidered. Sounds like a very attached child. I think I would keep him home at this point. Could you attend a Mommy and Me type program with him for now to get him more used to interactions with others? Or just wait... he's very young. (I thought I disagreed with it, but now I am beginning to agree that if a child isn't sent out as an infant, so he's so used to it, better to wait until 2-3, when the child is more interested in playing with peers.)

amother

Lime

Wed, Feb 06 2019, 4:04 am

I have nieces and nephews like that. Not siblings, cousins. It a nature. Some it takes till 5 to outgrow. They'll only peek out of thier moms skirt if they're being offered candy. Have you ever seen a 15 month old refuse bright battery operated toys, snacks or candy and refuse to take it from grandma? Sometimes if no one looks at them and mom is involved in a conversation and they'll see an interesting toy at grandma house they'll wander off to play.
One comment of how big they are to finally go play or oh I see you like that toy... and they're done.
Once my sister in law wanted to attend a wedding and wanted her daughter to sleep over at her cousins house for a night which my niece has done sometimes in the past without issue. She enjoys the kids and obviously knows them well.
When my sil told my niece about it she answered "oh yeah? I'm not going and if you make me I won't talk to anyone. I'll cry and refuse to eat and you'll need to come get me."
The scary part is that the most moment she made up her mind she is stubborn enough to follow through and not give in at all. Nothing will work once she decided.
This could be about separation anxiety it could be other things as well when kids are rigid and extremely inflexible to change or anything they don't want.
Would you speak to a professional for an assessment of the your situation and some tips?

amother

Mauve

Wed, Feb 06 2019, 9:23 am

myname1 wrote:

I had 2 other kids before this son that had no problem. This son I felt had my nature and he had some anxiety so I was very careful and now he is doing very well. He still has a bit of anxiety but not terrible. I had a lot of anxiety too. And I think the only way of taking away the anxiety is by making the child very comfortable as much as it takes. Don't try to leave him. Just stay with the child and take him home when you go home. He shouldn't have a bad association with the place. Once you do that for a long time and the child is excited to come play you can try to just go get something from a different room and come back in 5 minutes and see how he is. That's what I did. I told my son that I'm just going to get something from the office and coming back. I came back 10 minutes later and he was happy. He never knew that I'm planning to leave him there by himself at a certain point. I didn't tell him. So he was just excited to come play there with Mommy. When I saw he is very comfortable I told him I will come back later to get him.
Forcing never takes away anxiety. It makes the problem worse. OPs child has anxiety. I would give the child a break for a few weeks and try again in a new place with no bad memories of him crying. And tell him we are coming to play and Mommy will stay with you. Stay with him every day until he is comfortable. Discuss it with Morah before hand.

Chayalle

Wed, Feb 06 2019, 9:30 am

amother wrote:

Your perspective is interesting, however anxiety experts don't really agree with you. Sometimes giving into an anxiety breeds another anxiety. Making the child very comfortable can leave him clinging to his shell for a very long time.

Experts on anxiety actually recommend a gradual process, whereby the child is exposed to the new environment slowly and in increasing amounts, rather than totally giving in and allowing the child to give in to the anxiety.

amother

Pearl

Wed, Feb 06 2019, 12:24 pm

Chayalle, as you don't quote anxiety experts, I'm not sure who you are referring to. And as with anything, I'm sure there are multiple approaches for a wide variety of issues.

But my child is anxious, and his OT actually used experiences similar to what the other poster mentioned, kind of submerging him in the experience with stopping at any time he indicated in order to build trust in her and in himself. So from my experiences, her instincts are actually in sync with what some professionals do.

amother

Mauve

Wed, Feb 06 2019, 2:00 pm

Chayalle wrote:

Actually what I was doing is not giving into anxiety. That's exactly what you are saying experts are saying. Trust me I have a lot of experience with anxiety with myself and my kids and I know what works. I taught my son how to learn to do what he needed to be able to do, in baby steps. First I exposed him to the place I wanted to leave him at. I made him feel comfortable in that place. Next I let him be there by himself for 5 minutes a couple of times. And then he was ready for me to leave him a whole day. This is what I consider a gradual process. Exactly your words. Exposing the child to a new environment and in increasing amounts.
You have to know your balance with whatever anxiety you are dealing with. You can push it a little bit. But if you dump them into the deep water it will back fire. I can just tell you from experience. Professionals sometimes take a method they learn about and apply it wrong. Like what you just said. They think that is the way you are supposed to do it and do it all wrong and they do more harm than good. The same method if done wrong can cause havoc in a person's life. And if done right it can work like a miracle. I can pinpoint things teachers did with me because they thought they were being helpful and that was what professionals said. I still remember those things. I'm still hurt today with what they did to try to take away my anxiety. It just made matters worse. I am a preschool teacher now. I had one kid that would not talk. Since I was the same way I was able to understand that child and I succeeded in getting her to talk. Without any pressure on the child. I feel so good every time I see that child talking.
I also dealt with a lot of professionals who think they know what they are doing. And I also dealt with professionals that really knew what they were doing and we're amazing.

Chayalle

Wed, Feb 06 2019, 2:35 pm

amother wrote:

Actually what I was doing is not giving into anxiety. That's exactly what you are saying experts are saying. Trust me I have a lot of experience with anxiety with myself and my kids and I know what works. I taught my son how to learn how to do what he needed to do in baby steps. First I exposed him to the place I wanted to leave him at. I made him feel comfortable in that place. Next I let him be there by himself for 5 minutes a couple of times. And then he was ready for me to leave him a whole day. This is what I consider a gradual process. Exactly your words. Exposing the child to a new environment and in increasing amounts.
You have to know your balance with whatever anxiety you are dealing with. You can push it a little bit. But if you dump them into the deep water it will back fire. I can just tell you from experience. Professionals sometimes take a method they learn about and apply it wrong. Like what you just said. They think that is the way you are supposed to do it and do it all wrong and they do more harm than good. The same method if done wrong can cause havoc in a person's life. And if done right it can work like a miracle. I can pinpoint things teachers did with me because they thought they were being helpful and that was what professionals said. I still remember those things. I'm still hurt today with what they did to try to take away my anxiety. It just made matters worse. I am a preschool teacher now. I had one kid that would not talk. Since I was the same way I was able to understand that child and I succeeded in getting her to talk. Without any pressure on the child. I feel so good every time I see that child talking.
I also dealt with a lot of professionals who think they know what they are doing. And I also dealt with professionals that really knew what they were doing and we're amazing.

Very interesting. Thank you for sharing your perspective. I misunderstood your original post, and you explained it better here.