Rabbi names nanny who abused him as a child

amother

Gray

Sun, Feb 10 2019, 8:23 am

For those of you who understand how this went on for so many years because the parents are also groomed in such situations (and I must live under a rock if I am so terribly unaware)- what hope is there for our children when we are also victims?

As parents, we have a duty to protect our children- which means that we must educate ourselves to be well aware of the possible signs of abuse in our children, and in the relationships with their teachers, babysitters, cousins, siblings etc. We need to know what grooming looks and feels like for US and immediately take the necessary steps when something doesn't look right. Of course the parents cannot be blamed fully for such a situation, but there must be some accountability.

amother

Scarlet

Sun, Feb 10 2019, 8:46 am

amother wrote:

You seem very intent on assigning blame. I'm not sure this is helpful for anyone. What would be more helpful, and what would give hope, is learning and educating about grooming and abuse. And fostering a lot of communication around it and lowering the shield of secrecy, so people feel comfortable naming their abusers and children feel comfortable telling their parents what is happening to them.

And yes, unfortunately, often parents are victimized by the abusers manipulation and grooming. Which is why education and open communication is so important.

amother

Gray

Sun, Feb 10 2019, 8:52 am

amother wrote:

You are repeating what I wrote!

amother

Slategray

Sun, Feb 10 2019, 8:56 am

while this may be a knee jerk defense to "blame" the parents as in "it could never happen to me or in my home" I would be extremely careful not to do this
accountability? lets not blame the victim. the family and parents were victims also particularly in this case
I am sure they are suffering tremendously and if there was anything they could learn from such a situation, and there may not be, they will
I would only offer sympathy and support
would not want to add to anyones pain in anyway

may none of us ever know "how could such a thing happen"

wishing everyone peace and health

amother

Forestgreen

Sun, Feb 10 2019, 9:22 am

Cheiny wrote:

Any particular reason you’re posting anonymously, against the rules?

It's not against the rules to post anonymously if the information may be identifying. And my neighbors did know about the frum sitter neglecting my children. Not because I told them, but because they told me afterward that they had seen things that made them concerned. Unfortunately, they didn't share this until after I found out anyway.

This happened years ago. The sitter later apologized to me for neglecting my child and now runs a local playgroup. For all I know she posts here too.

According to you, the chances of abuse or neglect by a frum sitter is vanishingly small. If so, posting this under my username could easily identify me, or my sitter, right? If you don't believe this, then maybe you don't really think neglect by frum sitters is so rare.

amother

Forestgreen

Sun, Feb 10 2019, 9:49 am

amother wrote:

How is this against the rules. She posted something revealing. It seems to me, Ma’am, you are engaging in bullying with this post.

I appreciate you standing up for me. I thought it should have been obvious that what I was posting was revealing information, but I explained a little more above. That my neighbors knew about it, and so did the sitter. I would think that someone who truly believes that neglect by frum sitters almost never happens would understand that posting about my experiences under my username could easily identify me and maybe my sitter. Since I presume she's more mature and careful now I wouldn't want to harm her parnassah.

I am not trying to say that frum sitters are generally neglectful. I've had good experiences with frum sitters too. But one shouldn't assume, as I did, that a frum sitter is better than a non-Jewish one.

amother

Gray

Sun, Feb 10 2019, 10:00 am

amother wrote:

Without the blame. Your assigning blame is really inappropriate and cruel

No, I am saying that as parents we have a responsibility to protect our children. I realize that this is hard for some people to hear, but it still needs to be said.

Sorry you can't hug me!!

amother

Scarlet

Sun, Feb 10 2019, 10:09 am

amother wrote:

No, I am saying that as parents we have a responsibility to protect our children. I realize that this is hard for some people to hear, but it still needs to be said.

Sorry you can't hug me!!

Not sure what the whole hugging thing is about???

I'm not sure what your point is. It's quite obvious. Everyone who is a semi decent parent is aware of that.

amother

Slategray

Sun, Feb 10 2019, 10:34 am

supporting victims and encouraging people to come forward means staying away from the blame and shame game

if only education were a panacea
also this happened some years ago
while it helps
we can only do our utmost hishtadlus
and daven

healing for everyone in need

amother

Taupe

Sun, Feb 10 2019, 1:46 pm

I also thought it was something that only happens to "other people" until it we found out a nephew was touching my daughters.
They're now in therapy in a clinic that only handles sxually abused kids. I've seen a Chabad boy and his father there, a girl in a Beis Yaakov uniform, a woman in niqab with a mix of sons and daughters, a girl in tank top and shorts, and a father and son wearing Yerushalmi dress, plus DL-looking me and daughters.
so yeah, it's everywhere and every community is at risk

amother

Scarlet

Sun, Feb 10 2019, 3:34 pm

ra_mom wrote:

Wow, he makes me so proud. This takes so much guts. And his doing so with such dignity and with his status will help many people.
Wishing him and his wife much strength and healing.

I agree with all that you said.
Dignity and strength. This will go a long way to give hope,healing and strength to other survivors.

amother

Cyan

Sun, Feb 10 2019, 5:13 pm

amother wrote:

I’m sorry this situation happened for you and for your child. Awareness is the best tool to stop these situations so thank you for telling your story. I commend you for being sensitive to your former sitter by considering her current situation.

amother

Cobalt

Sun, Feb 10 2019, 5:45 pm

Cheiny wrote:

It absolutely is a choice whether to hire a Jewish or non Jewish person to care for your children.

It’s actually not a choice. No frum women in my neighborhood want to be a nanny. I need someone in my house, Not drop off because of my hours and my older ones coming home from school at different times in the afternoon.
Has anyone on imamother tried to hire a frum nanny and was successful? Did the nanny agree to work erev chag and Friday’s? I don’t have off erev Yom Tov or Friday.