Home

How to say no when family invites themselves
1, 2  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Relationships -> Guests

View latest: 24h 48h 72h


amother




Jetblack


Post  Sun, Feb 17 2019, 9:41 pm
And would you?

Here's the story, DH's stepfather told him on the phone today he wants to come stay for the first days of Pesach.

It's his stepfather, not his actual father (who happens to be lovely and I'd be happy to have, but back to the story...) so I feel like there's no kibud av aspect here. He's a very unpleasant person with a bossy, know-it-all personality. He has many digestive issues which he talks about at the table. He criticizes/corrects my children.

We love having sedarim with just us and the kids and having him will ruin the sedarim for me. How do we nicely say no?
Back to top

amother




Orchid


Post  Sun, Feb 17 2019, 9:43 pm
Idk this is a though one. Because I never say no to having my parents even though they can be difficult. Siblings on the other hand I say no too. Does he have someplace else to go for Yom Tov?
Back to top

amother




Dodgerblue


Post  Sun, Feb 17 2019, 9:44 pm
Dh's mom is not in the picture?

Dh is in agreement with you?

You are sure you are not going to have him? He has somewhere to go?

after careful consideration and if it really is about conveying your "no" decision

then id consider saying, "we're so sorry it won't work for us this year"
Back to top

causemommysaid




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Feb 17 2019, 9:53 pm
There is kibbud av vaim because of DH mother.

I'm not sure you can really say no. However, you can set boundaries and say ur not willing to have your kids criticized.
Back to top

amother




Honeydew


Post  Sun, Feb 17 2019, 10:02 pm
I really understand you because I have a similar situation with a parent -- except the self-invitation extends to close to two months! I do not think I would say no to a two-day visit, as hard and unpleasant as it may be. But I am not sure what to do when my mother insists on coming every year to stay with us for nearly two months at a time, and then expects that I have a daily 'plan' for her, which typically consists of me having to drive her around places going shopping. I work (although not every day) and have responsibilities towards my children, my husband and house keeping, but she still expects me to entertain her, and makes me feel guilty when I can't or won't. Sigh. I know I have a kibud Em responsibility, but torn among all my other responsibilities, and sometimes also just needing time for myself, without having to give an account on when and where I am going and when I will be back and available to take her places...
Back to top

amother




Jetblack


Post  Sun, Feb 17 2019, 10:09 pm
DH's mother is going to visit children in another country. Not sure why he's not joining her.

He would for sure be invited out for all meals/sedarim if he stayed home.
Back to top

amother




Firebrick


Post  Sun, Feb 17 2019, 10:12 pm
Make other plans and say you have other plans.
Back to top

happybeingamom




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Feb 17 2019, 10:16 pm
amother wrote:
DH's mother is going to visit children in another country. Not sure why he's not joining her.

He would for sure be invited out for all meals/sedarim if he stayed home.


DH should talk to his mother.

I am guessing the step father does not have his own children?
Back to top

justmarried:)




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Feb 17 2019, 10:26 pm
I do not agree with the poster who said make other plans and say you have other plans.... you don’t do that because you don’t want to have a guest. I would ask a rabbi what the right thing to do is.
Back to top

amother




Jetblack


Post  Sun, Feb 17 2019, 10:53 pm
happybeingamom wrote:
DH should talk to his mother.

I am guessing the step father does not have his own children?


One, but in college...
Back to top

amother




Lilac


Post  Mon, Feb 18 2019, 1:21 am
amother wrote:
DH's mother is going to visit children in another country. Not sure why he's not joining her.

He would for sure be invited out for all meals/sedarim if he stayed home.


Maybe he's not joining her because the other children feel just like you do...
Back to top

Iymnok




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Feb 18 2019, 1:40 am
Talk to a sensitive Rav or other experienced person about how to say no. The Mitzvah of the night is v'higadeta l'vincha, so his presence would make that too difficult.
Back to top

WhatFor




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Feb 18 2019, 2:42 am
Iymnok wrote:
Talk to a sensitive Rav or other experienced person about how to say no. The Mitzvah of the night is v'higadeta l'vincha, so his presence would make that too difficult.


There's also the concept of "Kol dichfin yesei veyeichol, kol ditzrich yesei veyifsach” on pesach. I think this is very much a question for a rav unless you know you absolutely won't be inviting him no matter what anyone says.

If it's an absolute no, I'd say DH just explain that for personal reasons, this year it's just you, DH, and the kids, no one else.

Ideally DH should then try to coordinate to make someone is on top of ensuring he has places to go. It would be nice if you could still invite him to something on that same call (last days, a dinner on chol hamoed, something). If you can't handle it, you can't.
Back to top

essie14




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Feb 18 2019, 2:54 am
If he can get invited to someone else, perhaps an older couple without small children at home anymore, I think that would be best.
My children just don’t enjoy the Seder when there’s company. We do have DH’s parents but that’s it.
We have company other meals.
Back to top

Ruchel




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Feb 18 2019, 7:07 am
Your close fam goes first and that goes with you being functional.
Back to top

amother




Blonde


Post  Mon, Feb 18 2019, 9:38 am
No obligation. He's not even family.
Back to top

justmarried:)




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Feb 18 2019, 9:55 am
Amother who wrote no obligation he isn’t even family clearly was never a step parent or had step parents. I have step parents. And your attitude sucks. They deserve to be treated like family and with respect.
Back to top

amother




Blonde


Post  Mon, Feb 18 2019, 10:11 am
justmarried:) wrote:
Amother who wrote no obligation he isn’t even family clearly was never a step parent or had step parents. I have step parents. And your attitude sucks. They deserve to be treated like family and with respect.


Actually both my parents are remarried and their spouses are no relation to me. They are "my mother's husband" and "my father's wife." I owe them nothing.
Back to top

amother




Jetblack


Post  Mon, Feb 18 2019, 10:40 am
justmarried:) wrote:
Amother who wrote no obligation he isn’t even family clearly was never a step parent or had step parents. I have step parents. And your attitude sucks. They deserve to be treated like family and with respect.

So I just had to address this because he is the type of step parent that very much differentiates between his biological child and step children. Not only in terms of things like gifts and financial support (his biological child is on a free ride at an expensive college, DH got nothing) but he outright calls his biological child his "real" child.

Anyway I found out that the reason he isn't going is because he has to work chol hamoed.

They live in a community where the rabbis' families would definitely invite him and they have such large sedarim that he wouldn't be very noticed. We don't invite guests for sedarim.
Back to top

amother




Orchid


Post  Mon, Feb 18 2019, 10:49 am
amother wrote:
Actually both my parents are remarried and their spouses are no relation to me. They are "my mother's husband" and "my father's wife." I owe them nothing.


Ok so you do have experience with step parents but you are missing respect and you Have attitude.
Back to top
1, 2  Next Recent Topics

Page 1 of 2 View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Relationships -> Guests

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Send son from yeshivish family to MO school?
by amother
36 Today at 9:25 pm View last post
My chldrn ages 13yr thru 16 months LOVE to rub themselves...
by amother
18 Sun, Nov 17 2019, 10:35 am View last post
Spinoff: A frum family needs two incomes?
by amother
126 Sat, Nov 16 2019, 9:20 pm View last post
A frum family needs two incomes?
by amother
92 Fri, Nov 15 2019, 8:43 am View last post
Family doctor- Williamsburg
by amother
28 Fri, Nov 15 2019, 2:12 am View last post

Jump to: