Divorce good/bad for the kids

amother

Magenta

Tue, Feb 26 2019, 8:17 am

amother wrote:

The show for everyone else, might really be about the children. Meaning if a divorce will severely impact her childrens shudduchim, the show for everyone else is actually about her own kids.

If the situation at home is really terrible, people know. The quality of shidduchim suggested will reflect that knowledge. If the situation is not known to be bad but affecting the kids in a way that makes THEM likely to become bad spouses, how much better is it to marry them off to some innocent person and then have the cycle repeat itself for another generation or two or three?

Kids from divorced homes today are more likely to get therapy and other support. That makes them better potential marriage partners than kids who are trained to hide whatever is wrong and never face reality.

amother

Firebrick

Tue, Feb 26 2019, 8:18 am

amother wrote:

Its better to stay together when you have children. There is a ton of research on this topic, following children from single parent homes for decades. And what they found out about children from single parent homes is NOT GOOD. I dont care if you think youre an exception, children overall do poorly in EVERY AREA when they are raised in single parent homes, particularly when they are not living with their father.
Children being raised by a single mom are more likely to suffer socially and academically. Heck, most criminals and people in prison come from single mother homes.
Now sometimes divorce does not mean mean children dont have access to their father. Obviously, children whose parents have 50/50 custody still have access to both parents. But many divorced parents have their children living solely with their mother and that breeds very negative outcomes for the children.

This type of research is so misleading.
You are taking one factor and making a ton of assumptions.

Many troubled homes are single parent homes. That doesn't mean that most single parent homes are troubled. Take a moment to think about it.

I want to see research comparing like to like. If you compare children from homes with the same socio-economic background, the same level of education, the same culture - will the single parent homes fare more poorly? I am not sure at all.

amother

Magenta

Tue, Feb 26 2019, 8:26 am

amother wrote:

Since she didn't list specific studies or research reviews, it's hard to know what exactly is being compared to what.

I don't disagree with a hypothesis that all else being equal, kids from single parent homes have more problems than those from two-parent homes. It's not so simple to calculate this IRL though.

It's impossible to conduct a true experiment that would prove a cause/effect connection between single parent home and problems, because we can't randomly assign children to specific conditions. The most we have are correlations, which can be hard to trace to a single factor like divorce and may be due to the other underlying issues that led to the divorce in the first place.

amother

Firebrick

Tue, Feb 26 2019, 8:29 am

To answer the op. I think it really depends on many factors.
Unless the parents are fighting or there is a ton of tension, usually kids prefer their parents stay together. That doesn't mean it's always the best option.

First of all, kids don't always see the big picture. They may prefer you stay together, but they don't realize how you really feel in this marriage. They don't know what it means to stay in a loveless marriage. They don't know how it feels to sleep with a stranger, or make small talk with someone you feel distant from.

Second, kids eventually leave home. But they are often notoriously selfish; they prefer things stay exactly the way they were at home. OP, if you ask your kids, they will probably tell you to stay together, even if they are 19 years old and about to leave home. That is not fair. They are about to start a new life, and I don't think it's fair for them to freeze you in your unhappy marriage just for their convenience. But that's kids for you, at least until they mature.

I definitely think kids should be taken into consideration. There are so many factors involved - the kids' ages, the society you live in, will it affect shidduchim. But I don't think a person should just ignore their own emotional health. Ultimately you will be the one sitting across your spouse after all the kids leave home. You need to decide if that's what you want to do the rest of your life, or if you prefer to be alone.

amother

Magenta

Tue, Feb 26 2019, 9:07 am

amother wrote:

This exactly. I have a feeling the reason that many kids from divorced homes fare poorly is because of factors that caused the divorce in the first place (instablity, anger issues, violence, mental health issues, criminal issues, addiction and so on).

I think the results would be very different if one only analyzed amicable divorces, where the parents were well-adjusted before and after the divorce.

In that case, we go back to the hypothesis that all else being equal, kids are better off being raised by their two parents than only one.

I would be interested in comparing children in a so-called marriage where neither of the parents were able to parent well because of the chaos in the home, versus children in a single-parent home where at least one parent made it out with their sanity intact and is able to be a good enough parent.

But again, there are too many variables.

urban gypsy

Tue, Feb 26 2019, 11:24 am

amother wrote:

WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!
No matter how many times people repeat this incorrect and outdated advice, you cannot will it into being through sheer wishful thinking.
Are you familiar with the rule that correlation does not equal causation?
Nowadays experts agree that a child needs at least ONE safe home free from abuse and ONE emotionally healthy parent to thrive.

OP, you did not elaborate whether your marriage involves domestic abuse or not. This is an important factor in making your decision. In my case, one of the things that helped me make my decision to divorce was a conversation on another forum where many women who grew up witnessing domestic abuse told me that when they grew up, they hated their mothers for not getting divorced. Intellectually they knew that their mothers were not at fault for causing the abuse, but emotionally their relationship with their mothers was irrevocably damaged and years of therapy was not able to repair it. This was something I had never considered and it really changed my mind about what kids really want or think they want.

thunderstorm

Tue, Feb 26 2019, 8:55 pm

amother wrote:

Thunderstorm,
You are always very open about your background and your husbands as well. You both lucked out that u come from open minded backgrounds and had not a problem accepting each other. Unfortunately, our typical chassidish society does not think like you.

But I know many typical Chasidish people that married easily and came from homes with divorced parents. I truly believe that if one doesn't think of themselves as damaged goods and works on themself to be the best that they could be and they don't allow their circumstance to define them, people see that, people are attracted to that. I was the first kallah in my highschool class and seminary class. I had at least 15 very serious Chasidish shidduchim redt to me from people of regular Chasidish backgrounds . Some of whom who had divorced parents themselves. I'm not exxagerating that I was considered a "great catch" even with my numerous stigmas attached to me. I was determined not to ever allow my background or my circumstances to define me. I was also determined not to ever live for others and for the way others think. That would have left me stuck in a hole. I feel like yelling from the rooftops, that as long as you enable the stigma it will remain. Show the world and here I mean the Chasidish world that you are proud of who you are and you are successful even though you suffered greatly and have experienced hardships . These things happen to us so that we could grow. Why are you letting others stop you? I know I sound preachy but I'm very determined for people to wake up and realize that they are allowing the stigma by being convinced that they will be at the end of the line in shidduchim because of XY and Z. HaShem is the one in charge of shidduchim.
I would also like to point out that it was Chasidish families who literally "adopted" me and made sure that I was married in grand style and continued to be there even after I had kids and making sure my DH had enough financially etc. They weren't treating me as a nebach case. Rather the opposite. They knew that I wasn't going to allow my family situation to pull me down and they admired that I was so gelungen despite it all and they treated me like their own child. My siblings will all say that we went through a lot of shame that people knew our circumstances . Our father was OTD and we were very embarrassed from that as well. But we all agree that our circumstances brought us closer to each other and we ALL grew and became better people because of our struggles .
Children of divorce go through enormous pain. The pain lasts forever but they grow, become stronger , value marriage and relationships and family and they do better than others are making it out to be.
If we come with an attitude of "Chasidish children of divorced parents are 100 class citizens and will never stand a chance" then of course those children never stand a chance. Don't believe in that ! Give them the chance to prove that it doesn't need to be this way.

amother

Ruby

Tue, Feb 26 2019, 9:20 pm

amother wrote:

Right. So the question has a different answer for the mother and for the children. Though my mother had new struggles as a single mom...

As a mother who separated from abusive husband and is struggling to receive the get for years, to have bread on the table, to have utilities paid. Struggling really hard now and it's been a few years already.

But I can tell you these physical struggles don't even come close to the emotional suffering we endured. No regrets here at all. My kids (teens too) and I, thank HaShem many times over that we're free. Although we're far from settled yet, I already see that the separation was good for my children. Finally there is at least some (not complete yet) peace. Kids are not living in fear 24/7 petrified of what his next attack will be like.

amother

Denim

Tue, Feb 26 2019, 9:42 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

Love your post.
I am divorced and I don't let this stigma of being a nebech get to me. I try my best to go on life and give everything I can for myself and kids. It's not easy, but same Hashem who sends us our challenges gives us a double dose of strength to overcome.

amother

Vermilion

Tue, Feb 26 2019, 10:05 pm

As others have stated, the answer to this question depends on the specific circumstances. Ultimately, divorce is never “good” for kids. Just sometimes the better option. My parents divorced and although I understood my mother and agreed that her marriage to my father was not a healthy one, I still struggled and suffered emotionally. However, I think the reason for that is that I did not have any kind of support after the fact. There are times when divorce is the best option for the children, however if they are not given the emotional support that they need to process the difficult emotions associated with divorce, they will struggle. Being a strong source of support as well as taking your child to therapy will help your child process their feelings and have a better outcome.

amother

Azure

Tue, Feb 26 2019, 10:37 pm

So I’m reading up on all of these posts and am hearing everyone’s opinions. I’m currently separated from an extremely controlling husband and will most probably divorce him (although we’re still trying to work on it). My kids are doing better now than ever before and seem to not be struggling very much. I constantly validate that it’s not an easy situation but they seem fine with it. They are young though, 6 and 3 and I’m wondering if it’s easy now because of their age and once they’ll get older and will grasp more the pain will catch up to them? I keep on worrying about that but perhaps their young age just helps them accept it and they won’t deal with as many challenges?

amother

Fuchsia

Tue, Feb 26 2019, 10:43 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

Thunderstorm I can't express how I feel after reading your post. I get you a thousand times over. Oy, it's so true. Oy how I relate. I grew from my situation just like you, and I always say, I am so not a child of divorce even though my parents are divorced. WOrds cannot encapsulate the suffering I endured as a child. BUt I love to say-it may be painful but I don't live in pain. Just because it's painful doesn't mean I have to be pained. Out there and inside my soul I am who I am because of me- and everyone I know sees only me-because that is all I chose to see, live with, and be happy with. Thank you Hashem for giving me the strength to grow from my challenges. I look around, and I know I am lucky.

amother

Khaki

Wed, Feb 27 2019, 12:20 am

urban gypsy wrote:

The bolded is what I have also been told by several experienced and skilled therapists.

It should also be noted that generally if the divorce is amicable the children suffer much less than in a bitter and contentious divorce.