Divorce good/bad for the kids

amother

Bronze

Mon, Feb 25 2019, 4:21 pm

So... I’m one of those people staying in an awful marriage “for the kids.”

I know some people say that’s even worse for the kids which is something I’ve considered.

Not that they even necessarily know what’s best for them but I wish I knew what they wanted/thought. My older kids are teenagers and I really can’t (and don’t plan on) asking them what they’d want, does anyone have any ideas how I can get this information without asking them?!!?

amother

Magenta

Mon, Feb 25 2019, 4:23 pm

Most kids will say they prefer their parents to stay together, unless the atmosphere in the house is unbearable for them because of what they're witnessing and if you're clearly miserable. Even then most of them prefer the familiar. They don't understand long-term impact on their worldview and future relationships.

amother

Amethyst

Mon, Feb 25 2019, 4:31 pm

Sometimes staying "for the kids" can irreversibly damage the kids, even if you think they're ok.
If kids grow up with parents that are constantly fighting, not talking to each other, abusing each others.... they grow up damaged. Kids need a safe environment, wether its with on parents or both. Kids can sense when parents are tense and unhappy and not on good terms.

amother

Tan

Mon, Feb 25 2019, 4:35 pm

I know a set of grandparents who are still married. One of their daughters she told her mother when she was still a kid that her mother should divorce her father. A different daughter told their mother she doesn't understand why she even continued to date him in the first place. I realize that this family is very much a say it is type of family so not all kids will say such things.

I'm not sure what you mean by "awful" might depend on that but if there's any "abuse" can't see how its better for the kids if you stay.

could you maybe ask them hypothetical stuff? they are getting older, not long before they will be marriageable. Talk to them about what type of spouse they are looking for, how do they picture marriage... my kids are still young so could be totally off. you can also see if they have warped ideas like if your teenage sons say they will b e the king and their wife will do everything because that's what they see at home...

thunderstorm

Mon, Feb 25 2019, 5:03 pm

My parents divorced but there wasn't ever any fighting ( at least in front of the kids). So we kids took it extremely hard. We felt like Totty and Mommy didn't care about us and took a perfect family and turned it upside down.
My parents story was more of betrayal etc. not Day to day fighting. As an adulMY t I can understand that they couldn't live with each other however I think if my father wasn't so selfish it could have worked so we have a lot of anger towards my father .

My sister had a very abusive ex and her two little daughters begged her to divorce and not live together. They were younger than age 10 and would cry after they saw how they interacted.

amother

Periwinkle

Mon, Feb 25 2019, 5:13 pm

amother wrote:

Amother periwinkle, what does it have to do with being chassidish?? No kid should live in a toxic environment, chassidish or not.

Agree.
In the chassidish society, children of divorce are 100th class citizen. With anyone or anywhere this child will interact, the first information will be “his parents are divorced”...

amother

Oak

Mon, Feb 25 2019, 5:13 pm

The main reason I divorced was for my kids . My ex has BPD and wasn't erlich at all . Coming from a chasidishe background I wanted my kids growing up chasidish and erlich and have a role model . I B"h managed to find an amazing husband who is all my kids and I need !!

My parents stayed together for the kids . I wish they wouldn't . They were always fighting and still do and now we have to get in between . My father is mentally abusive and my mother is suffering big time

In every situation it's different .

amother

Taupe

Mon, Feb 25 2019, 5:15 pm

As a teenager I wished my parents would get divorced because their relationship was so painful to witness. Now that I'm an adult and out of the house it's easier for me that they're still together. I don't know what the right thing would have been if they were doing it solely for the kids. I do think they would be happier today if they hadn't stuck together all this time.

thunderstorm

Mon, Feb 25 2019, 5:18 pm

amother wrote:

Tell that to our whole chassidish community in Monsey. Let me know what u get!

I know what I get. I grew up with a Chasidish father. My brothers went to Chasidish chadarim. Yes. We are not first class citizens. And so? But we survive and thrive and I would never tell one no to to divorce because of stigma. I would tell someone not to divorce if it would keep the family unit intact and happier than if they were divorced.

amother

Amethyst

Mon, Feb 25 2019, 5:25 pm

Amother periwinkle, it seems like you have alot of anger bottled up & your comments are not helpful to OP. I don't see that chassidish kids from divorced homes get treated badly. And where does kids in Monsey come in here? Are there more chassidish divorcees in monsey?

simba

Mon, Feb 25 2019, 5:32 pm

Well the answer to this question lies in how bad this marriage is.
Is the children's current reality in the marriage doing damage?

Divorce is only better if the marriage is no longer existent. If the marriage has a chance or being broken up for frivolous reasons then divorce should not be on the table.

amother

Magenta

Mon, Feb 25 2019, 5:36 pm

amother wrote:

This thread took a strange turn. Let me clarify what I posted.

I am chassidish and divorced with kids. I don't think there's any point in asking kids what they want because I believe most young kids would prefer their parents stay together, unless the situation is so unbearable that they are being hurt by the abuse or watching their mother suffer. Then they will let you know one way or another that they hate their home life, so no need to ask.

In many cases, parents hide the worst of it from their kids, so kids don't have the full picture. Kids also may not care if their mother isn't very happy in her marriage because they expect mothers to to put personal happiness aside for their kids' sake. Watching their mother be treated by a shmatta also reinforces this lesson.

They are not wise enough to see the long-term consequences of watching a bad marriage. Often the damage is being done slowly and subconsciously. They tell themselves they'll have a better life, but they don't know that bederech hateva they are likely to end up repeating this pattern.

My response was to answer OP, whether asking her kids will give her new information. I don't think it will. That doesn't mean it's wrong to divorce if your kids don't like the idea.

amother

Periwinkle

Mon, Feb 25 2019, 5:42 pm

amother wrote:

I live on a chassidish community, over here divorce means damaged. U want to sugar coat it? Go ahead!
The Monsey part is an answer for thunderstorm, as she is from Monsey as well.

amother

Chartreuse

Mon, Feb 25 2019, 5:43 pm

Its better to stay together when you have children. There is a ton of research on this topic, following children from single parent homes for decades. And what they found out about children from single parent homes is NOT GOOD. I dont care if you think youre an exception, children overall do poorly in EVERY AREA when they are raised in single parent homes, particularly when they are not living with their father.
Children being raised by a single mom are more likely to suffer socially and academically. Heck, most criminals and people in prison come from single mother homes.
Now sometimes divorce does not mean mean children dont have access to their father. Obviously, children whose parents have 50/50 custody still have access to both parents. But many divorced parents have their children living solely with their mother and that breeds very negative outcomes for the children.

amother

Seashell

Mon, Feb 25 2019, 5:49 pm

amother wrote:

Maybe single parent families vs. healthy families...but what about single parents vs. intact families with unhealthy relationships? That can’t be good for the kids.

thunderstorm

Mon, Feb 25 2019, 5:53 pm

amother wrote:

I live on a chassidish community, over here divorce means damaged. U want to sugar coat it? Go ahead!
The Monsey part is an answer for thunderstorm, as she is from Monsey as well.

I happen to live in Monsey but I'm not from Monsey. However my DH was living in Monsey, a Chasid himself and he married me with no qualms. His parents have been happily married for 50 years. He never thought of me as damaged goods.