Poor Shaming on Purim

amother

Forestgreen

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 6:01 pm

watergirl wrote:

Ummmmm so as the parent its your job to make sure that your daughter follows up! That poor girl! She is friendless. Why are you not understanding that thats not ok? What if it were your daughter?

But I’m not sure what this post has to do with poor shaming. I wonder if you are part of the problem.

Ooh watergirl- that wasnt very nice- I guess youre part of “the problem” as well-
My daughter did follow up
My point was it needs to be real
Thats all
Watergirl- its nice to spread the purim spirit with your friends by giving shaloch manos
Another way to do that is by being kind here on this site- you can ask me to explain next time instead of just saying “youre part of the problem”
That hurt

little neshamala

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 6:05 pm

Squishy wrote:

I saw a friend at a local hosey store. She was given vouchers of I think $100 for each girl. She was filling up baskets with expensive hair bows. She has 5 or 6 girls now. These girls get dresses and shoes for yontiff from gemachs in addition to the bows. That's lovely. But how many families can't afford $500 a season for hair bows and whatever? The mom wears designer clothes and the family goes away for school vacations.

We take such good care of our poor that sometimes it the next level up that squeezed. The standards are raised needlessly.

FTR - most of the bows and headbands can be created at home for pennies and a glue gun.

Thats crazy.

southernbubby

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 6:10 pm

Squishy wrote:

I can agree with you 100%!
When we do hachnassas kallah it also shouldn't be on such a level as to completely burden the community. I don't want to donate so that every kallah gets $20,000 for new furniture.
I thought each girl was getting one $20 bow and I couldn't understand why that was a big deal. I pictured a poor kid wearing cast off clothes with the overpriced bow.

33055

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 6:56 pm

southernbubby wrote:

We give so much for simchas that's there's a lot of extra luxuries built in.

ectomorph

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 7:01 pm

amother wrote:

It's so interesting how every thread on poor people has the same refrain at some point. I guess some people just have this soapbox.

Yup. Honestly we have amazing communities. Our worst flaw should be that poor people get too much tzedaka.

watergirl

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 7:15 pm

amother wrote:

Maybe reread your post that you’ve now edited/deleted (other people have quoted it).

The point of mm is not to spread the purim spirit with your friends. Its literally to extend goodwill to people like the girl who you called friendless. It SHOULD be real, and its sad that this message had to come from the teacher and not from her parents. The fact that there is a friendless girl is heartbreaking. The fact that the teacher is the one being mechanech your kids so this girl will get a mm is sad.

The problem is that this whole mm sending thing is not in line with the real intentions.

amother

Crimson

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 7:20 pm

amother wrote:

How do you mean?

At some point people start ranting about the misuse of tzedaka dollars and the life of luxury that recipients are living. I get it, this exists. But it's certainly the minority and doesn't need to be rehashed every.single.time. there is a thread on anything related to poor people.

33055

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 7:24 pm

ectomorph wrote:

Yup. Honestly we have amazing communities. Our worst flaw should be that poor people get too much tzedaka.

You can't give the bottom strata without it effecting all the people that are near the bottom and struggling. It is like those that earn too much to get programs, but live a lot worse than those that do.

ectomorph

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 7:25 pm

Squishy wrote:

Two responses:

1. The world is still a much better place thanks to programs

2. The amount of people who abuse is small compared to the people who benefit.

Lesia

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 7:28 pm

ectomorph wrote:

Two responses:

1. The world is still a much better place thanks to programs

2. The amount of people who abuse is small compared to the people who benefit.

Regarding your second point, if it becomes community standards, it’s not just being abused by a few people. It becomes a much larger problem.

amother

Forestgreen

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 7:31 pm

watergirl wrote:

So heres the backstory
My daughter is bh very popular
She is also aware of this
She is also extremely good hearted
She has already taken a few girls under her wings
( with her wonderful mothers guidance)
This is not easy
It means having socially off girls literally giving her no breathing space - one even following her to the restroom etc
Her teacher gave this speech
She decided to give another girl who had noone befriending her
And then started to get calls every five minutes from this girl
Her (wonderful) mother explained that it was important to make this girl feel good now

southernbubby

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 7:33 pm

I wonder how many people who go OTD do so not because of abuse or unanswered questions but because they don't feel that they can afford to be part of the community. Nobody wants to be the poor kid whose MM is too paltry to bring to school and when the kid grows up, will they want to raise their kids in that community?

Last edited by southernbubby on Mon, Mar 18 2019, 7:34 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Forestgreen

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 7:34 pm

And I deleted it because I dont need more nasty comments- yours was enough watergirl
Other people commented- thats fine- yours wasnt nice
I once went off this site for a while bec I found people rude
I’m back and I’m not taking rudeness any more- you can say things nicely
I’m on a (non jewish) facebook group with way more members, yet I find that group to be respectful of each others- lets aspire to at least that- ok?

southernbubby

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 7:40 pm

amother wrote:

My daughter befriended a girl who wasn't very popular and was later happy she did so when the girl passed away.
There are ways to set boundaries with needy people.

amother

Forestgreen

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 7:59 pm

southernbubby wrote:

My daughter befriended a girl who wasn't very popular and was later happy she did so when the girl passed away.
There are ways to set boundaries with needy people.

I agree
My daughter learnt to do this bh- she was later voted G.O. By her class which gave her a unique opportunity to “pick up” girls who needed it. Its wonderful when a giving person is in a leadership position

33055

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 8:07 pm

ectomorph wrote:

Two responses:

1. The world is still a much better place thanks to programs

2. The amount of people who abuse is small compared to the people who benefit.

You don't know that point 2 is true, but that's not the point here.

The point is that standards become inflated. The stress and anxiety of trying to keep up with those that get a boost must be incredible.

amother

Pumpkin

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 8:34 pm

Squishy wrote:

Somehow you have some major resentment with poor people and help. I think it’s not worth carrying around this resentment all the time. It’s so not worth it. Let it go. Look away. Focus on other stuff already.