New woman joins shul to make friends WWYD?

amother

Denim

Sun, Mar 24 2019, 2:17 pm

I go to shul just to socialize after davening (I only smile and nod during davening). This Shabbos there was a Kiddush after davening. I sat down next to a close friend that I only speak to on Shabbos (she ignores her phone during the week). Unfortunately, a new woman who just joined our shul sat on the other side of me. She introduced herself, and to be polite, I introduced myself and made small talk for five minutes with her doing most of the talking. Then she kept on talking. I told her several times that I was sitting next to my BFF but she didn't get any of my hints. I excused myself and started talking to my friend. She finally got up after ten minutes and walked away, looking very hurt. She can't really expect that we are going to be BFFs after a brief introduction, right?

watergirl

Sun, Mar 24 2019, 2:28 pm

Joining a shul is one of the best ways to make new friends. You were rude, sorry. She wasnt expecting to become your “bff” after 10 mins. But you certainly could have/should have included this new woman and opened your conversation up to her. I’ve been her before. It hurts like hell. Your bff knows she is your friend, she is secure in that, presumably. You can always talk to her later. This woman needs friends.

What are you hoping to get from this thread?

116

Hatemywig

Sun, Mar 24 2019, 2:28 pm

amother wrote:

I understand that you were really looking forward to spending time with your friend. (You may want to check want type of friend doesn't respond to you during the week...), it must have been extremely disappointing to you that the time you had planned to share with her was disrupting, however, the way you treated the newcomer to the Shul is inexcusable. Aside from being rude you were just not nice. Reverse the situation, how would you feel?

33055

Sun, Mar 24 2019, 2:29 pm

She was probably nervous and trying to make friends. She was probably doing most of the talking because you weren't being responsive. Why didn't you introduce her to your BFF? It's not nice that you treated her that way.

amother

Beige

Sun, Mar 24 2019, 2:32 pm

amother wrote:

what you said was incredibly rude and unwelcoming

I very VERY often think Imamothers are too critical of eachother, but I agree here. I don't get any sense that she was trying to be BFFs. It just sounds like she is new to your shul and is trying to be friendly. I understand that you may look forward to talking to your real BFF, but that doesn't mean that shul newby did anything inappropriate. When DH and I first moved to my neighborhood, we tried out several shuls to see where we woud be most comfortable. Among the things we looked at (in addition to "shnit," and whether there were children the ages of ours) was how friendly peole were to a newcomer. My best guess is that newby won't be back, if there is another alternative in your community.

amother

Denim

Sun, Mar 24 2019, 2:40 pm

I did introduce her to my BFF. My BFF is very shy and won't talk at all if someone else is talking. I agree that I was rude. The next time I see the newbie, I will say hello to her, wish her a good Shabbos and try to say "It's good to see you". But I don't have the patience to listen to her go on and on endlessly about herself.

amother

Royalblue

Sun, Mar 24 2019, 2:42 pm

maybe you need to work on your middos to develop patience to be kind and more welcoming to people. if anyone had an issue it seems that you are the one lacking in social skills, sorry
ps what would you do if you were new and everyone was talking to their friends only? how would you break in?

amother

Brunette

Sun, Mar 24 2019, 2:48 pm

amother wrote:

As another poster has said, there probably won’t be a next time as she will likely try other shuls after the welcome she got at yours.

33055

Sun, Mar 24 2019, 2:50 pm

amother wrote:

I am beyond amazed at you. You acknowledge you were rude and willing to do it again. Why do you go to shul and then embarrass yourself in shul? It's incredibly immature.

Why don't you engage her in conversation instead of forcing her to give a monologue?

amother

Teal

Sun, Mar 24 2019, 2:54 pm

amother wrote:

you told her several times that you are sitting next to you bff ?! What grade are you in ? That was incredibly rude and babyish of you .

amother

Sapphire

Sun, Mar 24 2019, 2:54 pm

You don't have to be her new BFF. But you should absolutely be kind and welcoming for the duration of your conversation with her. I'm sure there are lots of situations that you don't have patience, yet you do what you have to anyway- standing on a long line, sitting in traffic. This is one of those moments. You don't have to enjoy it, you just have to be nice as long as it lasts.

amother

Blue

Sun, Mar 24 2019, 2:54 pm

You asked WWYD. I think I would try to find out who she is and send her a fruit platter (fruit bec. some ppl are already making Pesachdig and nervous about chometz:))and write a nice, warm welcome message and offer to show her the ropes in new community. Next time I see her, would make an effort to be friendly for a couple of minutes. I would also feel conflicted about losing time with my BFF, but wouldn't be rude to someone else bec. of it.

Beyla

Sun, Mar 24 2019, 2:56 pm

Rubber Ducky wrote:

Next time, if there is a next time, invite her and her family to join you for a Shabbos meal.

This. ☹️ And also smile to her and include her in the conversation. She only tries to make new friends like you stated in your title... be kind to her.

thunderstorm

Sun, Mar 24 2019, 2:58 pm

OP, I'm flabbergasted. I was recently considering trying out different Shuls to see if I could make new friends. But after reading about what you did , I am reconsidering. I would never want to subject myself to such utter shame and pain.
If the woman was going on and on about herself it's because she was introducing herself and she wanted you to "get to know her" in the short amount of time you had.
You could have included her in a three way conversation together with your BFF even though your BFF is not very social.

little neshamala

Sun, Mar 24 2019, 3:07 pm

amother wrote:

The thing is OP, thats still not ok. The number one guideline should be not to cause someone else pain.
As mature adults, even if a particular situation is very annoying (and I get you. I really actually do. Ive often felt irritated at people intruding on a really good personal conversation im having with a dear friend), we still must have compassion towards others. There is never an excuse to make someone feel uncomfortable or embarassed. Never. Your proper reaction should have been to think inside your head "ugh, I really wanted to talk to Bracha, I havent spoken to her all week! But I dont want to cause this lady any pain....sigh..."and then to turn to the newcomer and graciously and warmly include her in the conversation, so that she feels welcome.
End of story.