What should I do? | Imamother

pesek zman

Tue, Apr 02 2019, 12:40 pm

amother wrote:

We are also assuming she's an older single, OP never mentioned her age. She might be 17-18 and just looking to have a "fun" pesach... maybe she isn't such a rachmanos.

She’s may be young. OP should tell us

Please don’t use the the term Rachmanus to describe a single woman. It’s so derogatory

Be kind to her, put yourself in her shoes, but don’t pity her

SixOfWands

Tue, Apr 02 2019, 12:41 pm

amother wrote:

We are also assuming she's an older single, OP never mentioned her age. She might be 17-18 and just looking to have a "fun" pesach... maybe she isn't such a rachmanos.

Spending Pesach with your married sister, all of her in-laws, and most likely a bunch of children is supposed to be "fun"?

I"m assuming that its the kind of nightmare that anyone would only choose if there are no other options.

WhatFor

Tue, Apr 02 2019, 12:45 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

I was going to say, if this is a 17 year old modern girl's idea of "fun", then either she's really tame or this Pesach event promises to be way more interesting than OP is letting on in her posts.

simba

Tue, Apr 02 2019, 12:54 pm

I’m not sure why everyone is being so harsh on OP. Hosting singles of opposite genders is a common sensitivity in the frum world. OP didn’t dream up this issue as an excuse to hate on her sil’s sister.

That issue aside, they are making a family Yom Tov, it is inappropriate for anyone to invite personal guests before OK’ing with the rest of the clan. Basic etiquette.

amother

Burlywood

Tue, Apr 02 2019, 12:55 pm

I really can't see why OP is getting bashed so badly.

None if us know any of the nitty gritty details, of family dynamics, and I imagine op is not getting too specific on purpose. She may have even changed up some core details so as not to identify herself.

I agree that the shared house situation is overall a little... cozy.... for what I imagine to be yeshivish standards. My family is MO. We'd totally be OK with it, if anyone actually wanted to spend a week together. But I digress.

Obviously op knows the dynamics of the family and they all feel it will work. A bunch of related married couples with their kids are a well matched and balanced combo. But when you add 2 singles, this balance is kinda thrown off. And we don't know the ages and personalities involved. We don't even know how many couples will be there. 10? 3?

I don't see this as single bashing at all, simply a lot of people in what has to be close quarters, and an attempt to keep things predictable and uniform.

My advice to op, if you and dh can get your own small place nearby, go for it. Again, mo here, and we socialize in ways that I know would not be acceptable by yeshivish standards. We've done the house sharing thing before. It gets very crowded, very quickly. A lot of overlapping and paths crossing, in ways you might not be able to predict. If you haven't don't this before, I highly suggest you look carefully at the house layout, the location of bathrooms, common areas, etc.

amother

Babyblue

Tue, Apr 02 2019, 12:55 pm

pesek zman wrote:

She’s may be young. OP should tell us

Please don’t use the the term Rachmanus to describe a single woman. It’s so derogatory

Be kind to her, put yourself in her shoes, but don’t pity her

She’s 21. Same age as Bil.

I sure hope everyone enjoys! I spent time finding a nice oot place with minyan and fun amenities.

Just wish we’d been consulted. It does change dynamics since we booked the house. There are not enough beds/bathrooms. I’m hoping those issues will resolve this simply because everyone who wasn’t informed may take issue and ask a Rav. Or decide that sleeping with toddlers in their rooms wasn’t what they signed up for.

Aylat

Tue, Apr 02 2019, 1:05 pm

I'm more from the 'your family is my family' culture. Sister's MIL is in town the week of our bat mitzvah - yes, we'd love it if she would come too! BIL's brother is visiting from abroad - of course he is included in their Shabbat invitation!

I'm really trying to understand the problem here, but I'm not getting it. There are a bunch of women and men who are not related to each other except by marriage. What difference does one extra woman (unmarried) make. I keep the same gedarim with my single BIL and with my married BIL. The single sister can hang out with the women, and the single guy with his brothers.

amother

Oak

Tue, Apr 02 2019, 1:10 pm

amother wrote:

So now the problem is not enough beds?

amother

Goldenrod

Tue, Apr 02 2019, 1:14 pm

OP, you know why the sister can't spend yom tov at home? If our family would be in this situation, I would let whoever does not know about it know, no one wants to be taken by surprise. And we would all explain to sister n law that her sister coming is just not an option and it was rude of her to not consult everyone.
Some things are just not appropriate and doesn't "pass".

amother

Jetblack

Tue, Apr 02 2019, 1:15 pm

amother wrote:

That's something different entirely.
These couples paid for certain accommodations, and if the extra sister will force them to squish together, that's not fair.
And of course it was rude of SIL to invite without asking permission.
All that said, it seems very hysteric to worry about crossing a single woman in the corridor, and not worry about coming across a married one.

amother

Plum

Tue, Apr 02 2019, 1:32 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

This!!!

Have you OP ever considered how the girl feels or do you not care about her feelings because she's not right wing yeshivish?

Do you think a single girl will feel comfortable with only married couples?
Do you think she'll get drunk and hit on your husband? I don't understand your issue at all.
If there's loads of people there is no problem. If it was just you, your husband, his brother and her I get it.. that's awkward.
But otherwise... You're over dramatizing the situation.

amother

Mistyrose

Tue, Apr 02 2019, 1:43 pm

Squishy wrote:

It can be both common sense and not done in my circles. Where's the conflict? Maybe it's not done because it is common sense.

Aunt Sarah and Uncle David are not related to each other. A couple of posters mentioned a possible shidduch between the 2 of them.

I know of 4 forced shidduchim between friends of siblings and siblings in my RW circles in the last several years. 2 of the couples are divorced. I want better than this for my children.

The genders don't socialize in mixed settings in my circles. I don't want to create mixed settings in my house. These kids have hormones just like every other kid on the planet their age. And they aren't used to close proximity with unrelated kids their own age of the opposite gender.

Creating a Shidduch between the Yeshivish Brother-in-law and his Brother's wife's "modern" sister is nobody's intention.

If the genders aren't mixing. The genders aren't mixing. Wives in the living room - men in the dinning room.

The 21 year old man will be in close proximity with his brother's wives - I bet they are also reasonably close to his age.

(I also hope for your children that they aren't in a situation where they go away for a week and find themselves forced into marriage.)

urban gypsy

Tue, Apr 02 2019, 1:48 pm

zaq wrote:

Maybe she’ll even mainline heroin or snort cocaine right at the table! (No problem as long as it’s the pure stuff and hasn’t been adulterated with flour.)

Holy moly this is the most hilarious thing I've read on the internet in a long time.
Zaq you are ICE COLD and I love it!!!!!

urban gypsy

Tue, Apr 02 2019, 1:50 pm

Squishy wrote:

I know of 4 forced shidduchim between friends of siblings and siblings in my RW circles in the last several years. 2 of the couples are divorced. I want better than this for my children. The genders don't socialize in mixed settings in my circles.

What on earth are forced shidduchim?!?!
Did these singles sleep over at someone's house for yom tov at the same time and ended up betrothed?
I'm screaming LOL

Tue, Apr 02 2019, 1:58 pm

amother wrote:

This makes a big difference. Your sister-in-law should have consulted the person organizing the rental before inviting her sister.

(Assuming that there's enough room, I think it would be overall a positive thing for extended family to gather together for yom tov, and I find the other concerns absurd).