Do u let your teen buy what they want even if it’s a mistake

amother

Bronze

Wed, Apr 10 2019, 11:55 am

amother [ Apricot ] wrote:

Vermilion, your mother did right. You could've layered with sweaters or gotten a warmer coat with your own money. You didn't freeze because your mother refused to get you a new coat, you were freezing because you insisted on only getting this coat. Sometimes the only way teens learn is by their mistakes.

I think it's a parents responsibility to make sure their kids don't freeze. Either buy a new coat or make sure the child layers up or make sure the child buys a coat from her own money if she has. Not all kids have money.
Sometimes it's mean to make kids use their money.
I spent a whole summer working one year. I ended up spending the whole thing to buy myself retainers that I lost. Because my mother refused to buy me new ones and I didn't want my teeth to move. Later I got a whole speech from my dentist how irresponsible I was for losing the retainer and how my parents had to spend money to buy me a new retainer. My mother was standing right there and didn't even bother saying that it's me that's spending the money not her.
I was too shy to say anything.
Losing a retainer is something that's impossible to prevent. Teaching a lesson wouldn't help anything. I had lost it in camp and by mistake left it on the table. I was so afraid of telling my mother. My whole bunk helped me look through all the garbages of the camp. My camp director offered to call my mother for me to tell her that I lost it.

amother

Wine

Wed, Apr 10 2019, 12:53 pm

amother [ Bronze ] wrote:

How is it impossible to prevent? I mean, unless someone ripped it out of your mouth or grabbed it out your pocket or hand... yes, it was preventable.

amother

Bronze

Wed, Apr 10 2019, 1:40 pm

amother [ Wine ] wrote:

How is it impossible to prevent? I mean, unless someone ripped it out of your mouth or grabbed it out your pocket or hand... yes, it was preventable.

I impossible to prevent because people don't lose things on purpose. Adults lose things too. If you lose something you are enough upset about it and don't need someone to teach you a lesson.
Now looks like you don't know how a retainer works.
You cannot eat with it. You take it off by each meal and put it on the table. I didn't have pockets in all my clothing. I couldn't eat while holding it the entire time in my hand and forgot it on the table when I got up. I did this by every single meal and didn't forget it. One time I did and there is no way to prevent that.
I hope you are nicer to your family than the way you sound here.

urban gypsy

Wed, Apr 10 2019, 1:41 pm

amother [ Vermilion ] wrote:

I was once dying for a coat that was very lightweight and my mom didn’t want me to get it because it wasn’t practical. I bought it anyway, and froze through the winter because she refused to buy me a warm coat as well. The jacket was not expensive at all. I still resent it to this day.

I'm confused about your story. What was inexpensive, the light jacket or warm coat?
And did you buy the light coat with your own money?

amother

Vermilion

Wed, Apr 10 2019, 1:51 pm

amother [ Wine ] wrote:

That's a shame, but that's on you.

Honestly, you still sound like a spoiled, entitled child.

Maybe you needed a few more lessons.

Thanks. I figured the typical imamother response would be that I’m entitled. That’s where these conversations always go on this site. I was 16. I was entitled to be taken care of.

amother

Vermilion

Wed, Apr 10 2019, 1:51 pm

urban gypsy wrote:

I'm confused about your story. What was inexpensive, the light jacket or warm coat?
And did you buy the light coat with your own money?

I don’t recall who paid for it. Like I said the issue wasn’t finances. Just to “teach me a lesson”.

amother

Lawngreen

Wed, Apr 10 2019, 1:57 pm

amother [ Vermilion ] wrote:

I don’t recall who paid for it. Like I said the issue wasn’t finances. Just to “teach me a lesson”.

If your mom had a one coat a winter policy. Which in my opinion is totally reasonable and you choose a light impractical coat, it’s totally reasonable that she didn’t buy you another one. It’s not about having money for it or not, it’s about learning that the choices we make have consequence and if we choose style over warmth we might be cold. I mean if you were 8 years old that’s one thing.

urban gypsy

Wed, Apr 10 2019, 1:58 pm

amother [ Vermilion ] wrote:

I don’t recall who paid for it. Like I said the issue wasn’t finances. Just to “teach me a lesson”.

Of course it matters who paid for it. If your parents budgeted for 1 jacket, by demanding a useless jacket, you were effectively weaseling out 2 jackets from your parents. They were teaching you a lesson about budgeting and making responsible choices.

If you paid for it, and your parents refused to buy you another one, that seems unfair. If they were intending to buy you a jacket anyway, and then reneged on that promise to prove a point, that doesn't make sense.

amother

Seafoam

Wed, Apr 10 2019, 2:24 pm

I paid for a lot of my own things growing up, as well as for my siblings stuff so I really don't understand the entitlement of some posters. I never asked my parents to pay for extras, nor many basics.
feel a little sad about the things I didn't ask for which made me stand out in a negative way, but I absolutely don't feel that my parents were obligated to spend what they didn't have or what they decided not to.
If they're being deliberately mean, its one thing, but if there are reasons, they are allowed to do whatever they want with thier money. Is it smart to deny teens? Depends on their reasons. COuld be yes, could be no.
I do things very differently with my own children than my parents did, both because I BH can afford more than my parents could, and also because I believe that clothing/fashion is an important part of fitting in, whereas my parents didn't understand community nuances so well.

amother

Taupe

Wed, Apr 10 2019, 2:32 pm

amother [ Vermilion ] wrote:

Thanks. I figured the typical imamother response would be that I’m entitled. That’s where these conversations always go on this site. I was 16. I was entitled to be taken care of.

I don't think being taken care of and being entitled to two coats, one on a whim and one functional, are the same thing.

I say this as a mother of teens who sometimes will buy her daughters something they like "just because" and sometimes, when things are tight, they use their own money to buy those extras.

But in either case, I don't think my not getting them that extra means I'm not taking care of them.

urban gypsy

Wed, Apr 10 2019, 2:38 pm

amother [ Taupe ] wrote:

I don't think being taken care of and being entitled to two coats, one on a whim and one functional, are the same thing.

Agreed. There are other ways this situation could have been solved. Her parents could have made me return the thin coat and bought her a proper coat. She could have bought herself a warm coat from Goodwill just for the season.

Vermillion, where did you live that you were so horribly cold in the thin coat?

SixOfWands

Wed, Apr 10 2019, 3:08 pm

mommish613 wrote:

So I told her these will be her shoes and she will have to wear them. I’m not sure how it will play out...they were reasonably priced. She must have seen something similar on a friend and decided she NEEDED them. I generally leave lots of room for her to make her own decisions but with something like this it is soooo hard for me. And growing up btw my mom let me choose wherever I wanted. So not sure why im having such a hard time

You did the right thing. You offered your opinion on durability. Told her that these are her shoes for the season. And let her make the decision. She'll live with the consequences. I assume that these are not her only shoes in any case.

To be honest, I regularly wear light-colored suede shoes to work, and on Shabbat/yom tov, without issue. I sprayed them with suede protector, and clean them when they look dirty. Unless she's going to wear them to play ball, or trudge through an open field, she'll probably be fine.

amother

Vermilion

Wed, Apr 10 2019, 3:28 pm

urban gypsy wrote:

Tristate area. The thin “coat” was basically a jacket.

I didn’t have money. My father didn’t want us to work. Call me entitled, but at 16 was I supposed to fight that?

urban gypsy

Wed, Apr 10 2019, 4:30 pm

amother [ Vermilion ] wrote:

Tristate area. The thin “coat” was basically a jacket.

I didn’t have money. My father didn’t want us to work. Call me entitled, but at 16 was I supposed to fight that?

If you didn't have money, then yes, your parents paid.
And a 1 coat per season policy is reasonable.
Sorry that we all jumped all over you for sharing this story.
The decision making skills of a 16 year old are not equal to an adult, and whatever the rationale, this experience was encoded in your memory as traumatic.
I will remember this and consider carefully when enforcing consequences to my kids over stuff like this.

amother

Vermilion

Wed, Apr 10 2019, 5:00 pm

urban gypsy wrote:

The funny thing is I think I may have paid. I had just a bit of money from birthdays etc. Def not enough for a second coat.

Anyway, obviously there was a lot more to my relationship with my parents that this backfired. When all you do is withdraw from the emotional bank account and never make any loving gestures, these “lessons” don’t work. But everyone on imamother loves jumping on people that they’re entitled. But to those of you who think that, you know nothing about me.