Home

My SIL expects me to help her with her kids
  Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6  Next  Last >>
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Pesach

View latest: 24h 48h 72h


amother




Apricot


Post  Mon, Apr 15 2019, 11:00 am
Israeli_C wrote:
Quite rich to start caring about her feelings when she's got some choice things to say about her SIL's family planning.

Again and again I see on this site the same problem (and I'm guilty of this too) --- communication issues. I'd say 80% of the problems posted on this website (non-money related...) can be solved by TALKING to the parties involved. Yes, it can be done in a kind way. If one makes their maximal effort to deliver a message kindly and sensitively, any hurt feelings are not their fault.

And where exactly is her brother in all this? Why, he most certainly plays a key role in this baby making, no? Perhaps a frank discussion with him rather than blasting her SIL's contraceptive choices online would go a long way.


Many problems don't get solved by talking. OP and sil are at opposite ends on this one. OP doesn't want the responsibility for sil's kids and sil wants to off load on to OP. A compromise of sil only give OP some work is clearly a loss to OP and sil.

Whenever I tried to straighten out situations in the frum community, I lost friends. Some people are users, and when you assert your boundaries, they disappear. It's better not to have a frontal approach. OP should just be busy when sil asks her to take responsibility for her kids.
Back to top

Rappel




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Apr 15 2019, 11:04 am
little neshamala wrote:
Can I ask how old your oldest is? Your idea of children being a semi-communal responsibility sounds very sweet but once you have your own brood to take care of, you tend to want to focus on them. Not make yourself a worn dishrag because now youre taking care of someone else's brood as well.

I always help my sibling with their kids. But its really just simple things like pouring cereal and keeping an eye on them while they play nicely with mine. And my sister would never ask me to just take care of them for her-she's always around herself, taking care of her kids alongside me.

I love my nieces and nephews. LOVE THEM. but you need to take care of your own children without relying on me. Will I help? Sure thing. When I feel up to it, for as little or as long as I want. But dont rely on me for help. Just like you dont rely on me to bring in your mail and clean your kitchen.


I actually agree with everything you're saying:
-Your children's needs come first
-Once you have 3-4 kids, you focus inward on your own family (not speaking from experience, but from the wisdom of other mothers with large families. I've only got 2 yet.)
-ectomorph and superwify said it better than I: it costs you little or nothing to pour an extra bowl of cereal, or watch the children for 15 minutes, or share some snack in the park, or help a child with his wet clothes. Of course you would do it, and even more for someone whom you love. If something needs Mom's attention, then you know where to find her.

I can only assume that this is what most posters here meant, but their answers were simplified for the internet, and that's why they came off so cold. I was surprised at the OP's specific examples, and that's why I spoke up.
Back to top

sky




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Apr 15 2019, 11:10 am
Does no one else share kid responsiblities over pesach to a small extent? By us it was always a give and take - with no one keeping score.

You are giving out yogurts - can you give my kids?
You are going to the park can dd go along along?
You are playing a game can ds join?
You are reading a book can dd listen?
What are you preparing for early supper. Can you put some in the oven for us too?
Ds just had an explosive diaper can yo make sure no one gets into trouble while I change him?

Does no one else do this?

I never realized there was such rigidity in doing for each other. I always thought it was spending Yom Tov together and being family.

The examples given just don’t sound like taking advantage. Watching a kid for 2 minutes while a diaper is changed doesn’t sound like something to get excited over.
Back to top

ectomorph




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Apr 15 2019, 11:10 am
Rappel wrote:
I actually agree with everything you're saying:
-Your children's needs come first
-Once you have 3-4 kids, you focus inward on your own family (not speaking from experience, but from the wisdom of other mothers with large families. I've only got 2 yet.)
-ectomorph said it better than I: it costs you little or nothing to pour an extra bowl of cereal, or watch the children for 15 minutes, or share some snack in the park, or help a child with his wet clothes. Of course you would do it, and even more for someone whom you love. If something needs Mom's attention, then you know where to find her.

I can only assume that this is what most posters here meant, but their answers were simplified for the internet, and that's why they came off so cold. I was surprised at the OP's specific examples, and that's why I spoke up.

Didn't say it

But 100% agree with it!!

personally I'm happy to do people favors.

Once someone dropped off her 2 kids at my house. They were really difficult. When she picked them up she was upset I had served them spaghetti and ketchup (which she felt wasn't healthy-she's very crunchy).

Should I now start a thread on how small families expect everyone else to go along with whatever crazy way they decide to raise their kids, even if we're doing them a favor?

family size has nothing to do with it.

(yes we're still friends... Even had them over again. Us moms of more than 2 kids are super generous and forgiving)
Back to top

greenfire




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Apr 15 2019, 11:11 am
either do or don't ... but don't complain ~ you are not going to change anybody
Back to top

ectomorph




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Apr 15 2019, 11:13 am
sky wrote:
Does no one else share kid responsiblities over pesach to a small extent? By us it was always a give and take - with no one keeping score.

You are giving out yogurts - can you give my kids?
You are going to the park can dd go along along?
You are playing a game can ds join?
You are reading a book can dd listen?
What are you preparing for early supper. Can you put some in the oven for us too?
Ds just had an explosive diaper can yo make sure no one gets into trouble while I change him?

Does no one else do this?

I never realized there was such rigidity in doing for each other. I always thought it was spending Yom Tov together and being family.

The examples given just don’t sound like taking advantage. Watching a kid for 2 minutes while a diaper is changed doesn’t sound like something to get excited over.


Yes we do it. I suspect this is the case in most normal families.

I even hold crying babies, change diapers, and watch kids that are not mine while their parents nap Wink
Back to top

amother




Floralwhite


Post  Mon, Apr 15 2019, 11:18 am
Israeli_C wrote:
Quite rich to start caring about her feelings when she's got some choice things to say about her SIL's family planning.

Again and again I see on this site the same problem (and I'm guilty of this too) --- communication issues. I'd say 80% of the problems posted on this website (non-money related...) can be solved by TALKING to the parties involved. Yes, it can be done in a kind way. If one makes their maximal effort to deliver a message kindly and sensitively, any hurt feelings are not their fault.

And where exactly is her brother in all this? Why, he most certainly plays a key role in this baby making, no? Perhaps a frank discussion with him rather than blasting her SIL's contraceptive choices online would go a long way.


You responded to only part of my post. What about the part where I said the sil has no right to take advantage of op and keep asking her for help??? Etc.
Back to top

amother




Ivory


Post  Mon, Apr 15 2019, 11:23 am
Rappel wrote:
I actually agree with everything you're saying:
-Your children's needs come first
-Once you have 3-4 kids, you focus inward on your own family (not speaking from experience, but from the wisdom of other mothers with large families. I've only got 2 yet.)
-ectomorph and superwify said it better than I: it costs you little or nothing to pour an extra bowl of cereal, or watch the children for 15 minutes, or share some snack in the park, or help a child with his wet clothes. Of course you would do it, and even more for someone whom you love. If something needs Mom's attention, then you know where to find her.

I can only assume that this is what most posters here meant, but their answers were simplified for the internet, and that's why they came off so cold. I was surprised at the OP's specific examples, and that's why I spoke up.


It all depends if there's a healthy balance between the two. Of course it's ok to pour an extra bowl of cereal or watch the children 15 min, etc. But if there's an expectation for it and no balance between the two SIL, it rarely stays at that. What starts off with pouring an extra bowl of cereal for one kid, morphs into pouring bowls of cereal for 5 kids, then washing all their hands and cleaning all their faces. What would have been a 15 min breakfast, has now become a 30+ min chore. If you watch the kids for 15 minutes today, she will sleep in tomorrow for a half hour or more, while she relies on you to do the morning round with her kids. And then there goes your morning, whether your time to daven is gone, or you were going to make an early start of the day outdoors with your kinderlach etc, with some of your patience level already depleted.

When I read the OP's post, I never for one minute even thought she was referring to helping out a niece or nephew when the parent was unavoidably unavailable. What I inferred from the OP's post, is that her SIL uses the YT as a time to request others to chip in to ease her workload. Stepping in for one another here and there is fine, expecting another mom to bear part of your burden throughout YT is wrong.
Back to top

WhatFor




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Apr 15 2019, 11:27 am
I'd love for OP to come back and respond to some of these posts. I'd really love to know where the father is in all of this and why he isn't helping his wife.

To all those saying what's the big deal to hand a kid a yogurt, I don't think it's about giving over a food. If a toddler is running around and you're the only adult awake with them in the kitchen, you're now in charge if anything happens. OP wrote that thse children are lively, and keeping up with highly energetic kids can be pretty draining for some.

Honestly, I don't know how I'd handle, bc I don't think it's a kid's fault if parents aren't taking care of them. Not giving a kid breakfast because their mother is sleeping would probably feel too mean. At the same time, taking care of SIL's children is enabling her to keep taking advantage of you. I think directly talking to SIL would be better than subtly letting her catch on, but I could be wrong. It's a tough one.
Back to top

Rappel




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Apr 15 2019, 11:28 am
ectomorph wrote:
Yes we do it. I suspect this is the case in most normal families.

I even hold crying babies, change diapers, and watch kids that are not mine while their parents nap Wink


You what?????

יהרג ואל יעבור

Tongue Out
Back to top

amother




Apricot


Post  Mon, Apr 15 2019, 11:30 am
amother [ Tan ] wrote:
Asking someone to watch your baby isn’t looking for a few nanny.

If op said I watch kids on the morning when mom sleeps in or naps. I feed them while she reads a magazine. Then she is being a nanny. To me the example are not.


Clearly, you never had a nanny. My nannies assisted me. They didn't replace me. I mothered while the nanny was nannying often in the same room just like OP is being asked to do. Please feed Shifra while I change Moishe's diaper. Nannies don't replace mothers in my world.
Back to top

amother




Ivory


Post  Mon, Apr 15 2019, 11:30 am
sky wrote:
Does no one else share kid responsiblities over pesach to a small extent? By us it was always a give and take - with no one keeping score.

You are giving out yogurts - can you give my kids?
You are going to the park can dd go along along?
You are playing a game can ds join?
You are reading a book can dd listen?
What are you preparing for early supper. Can you put some in the oven for us too?
Ds just had an explosive diaper can yo make sure no one gets into trouble while I change him?

Does no one else do this?

I never realized there was such rigidity in doing for each other. I always thought it was spending Yom Tov together and being family.

The examples given just don’t sound like taking advantage. Watching a kid for 2 minutes while a diaper is changed doesn’t sound like something to get excited over.


The point here is that its a one way street. Would it be ok if all those questions were only directed at you?

Hey Sky - You're giving out yogurts for breakfast, can you give my kids too?
Hey Sky - You're going to the park now, can you take Yossi, Chani & Suri too?
Hey Sky - You're playing a game with your kids, can Chani & Suri join?
Hey Sky - You're giving quality time to your daughter and reading a book, Can Esty join in?
Hey Sky - You're doing supper now, can you skin 6 extra chicken bottoms, peel 4 extra potatoes and saute some veggies for my family too?
Hey Sky - I've got to change the diaper, can you mind my son (while you're cleaning up from dinner) so I can do that in peace?

What would be a normal exchange is this:

Hey Sky - You're giving out yogurts for breakfast, can you give my kids too?
Hey amother - I see you're going to the park now, can you take Shloimy and Pessy too. I'll meanwhile prepare lunch and pack up for the trip.
Hey Sky - Why don't you take the older kids to the roller coasters, and I'll take the younger kids to the baby rides?
Hey amother - I see you started dinner already, would you mind throwing in some stuff for my family too? I'll do supper tomorrow, or I'll be in charge of the cleanup. Or I'll take care of all the kids while you do that. etc...
Back to top

amother




Apricot


Post  Mon, Apr 15 2019, 11:37 am
sky wrote:
Does no one else share kid responsiblities over pesach to a small extent? By us it was always a give and take - with no one keeping score.

You are giving out yogurts - can you give my kids?
You are going to the park can dd go along along?
You are playing a game can ds join?
You are reading a book can dd listen?
What are you preparing for early supper. Can you put some in the oven for us too?
Ds just had an explosive diaper can yo make sure no one gets into trouble while I change him?

Does no one else do this?

I never realized there was such rigidity in doing for each other. I always thought it was spending Yom Tov together and being family.

The examples given just don’t sound like taking advantage. Watching a kid for 2 minutes while a diaper is changed doesn’t sound like something to get excited over.


SIL doesn't do give and take.
Back to top

amother




Peach


Post  Mon, Apr 15 2019, 11:41 am
amother [ Apricot ] wrote:
Clearly, you never had a nanny. My nannies assisted me. They didn't replace me. I mothered while the nanny was nannying often in the same room just like OP is being asked to do. Please feed Shifra while I change Moishe's diaper. Nannies don't replace mothers in my world.


That’s a mother’s helper. Nanny usually watches the kids on her own while mom is busy usually with work in my world.
Back to top

ectomorph




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Apr 15 2019, 12:02 pm
Nothing in the op suggests that the sil doesn't ever offer to help. Perhaps she does. We don't know.

Consider that she takes care of these kids all the time without her sil help. She is able to manage without it.

Also consider her sil, the op of this thread, looks down on her and thinks she's smarter and made better life choices.

We don't know. Maybe sil does take advantage. Or maybe OP is judgmental and selfish and gets mad if she's reading a book to her kids and sil kids come to listen.
Back to top

ectomorph




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Apr 15 2019, 12:04 pm
ectomorph wrote:
Didn't say it

But 100% agree with it!!

personally I'm happy to do people favors.

Once someone dropped off her 2 kids at my house. They were really difficult. When she picked them up she was upset I had served them spaghetti and ketchup (which she felt wasn't healthy-she's very crunchy).

Should I now start a thread on how small families expect everyone else to go along with whatever crazy way they decide to raise their kids, even if we're doing them a favor?

family size has nothing to do with it.

(yes we're still friends... Even had them over again. Us moms of more than 2 kids are super generous and forgiving)

I told this story to illustrate the other side. Families with 2 kids can be selfish too. Or they can feel that they did other favors, now its your turn.

Impossible to know without being there.

This is why we have a mitzva of Dan lekaf zchus
Back to top

amother




Apricot


Post  Mon, Apr 15 2019, 12:07 pm
amother [ Peach ] wrote:
That’s a mother’s helper. Nanny usually watches the kids on her own while mom is busy usually with work in my world.


The nanny's job title was nanny. I paid her as a nanny. She was trained as a nanny. The nanny was with us 24 hrs a day available to watch the kids on her own. I happen to love mothering and didn't give birth to have someone else responsible for them unlike sil. If I had to separate the kids for something like a doctor's appointment, I had a professional on call.

Anyway, what's the difference? OP doesn't want to be a mother's helper, a nanny, or a substitute mother.
Back to top

amother




Amber


Post  Mon, Apr 15 2019, 1:27 pm
this post is about a common issue -- really about being able to clarify for oneself (in spite of guilt, ambiguity, and the like) what are ones boundaries and communicate them effectively and warmly

could be applied to pretty much any situation, dynamics could still be the same

it can be a challenge when many are together under one roof for Y"T -- a true brocha which can work best with a bit of forethought, boundaries, and being proactive
Back to top

amother




Powderblue


Post  Mon, Apr 15 2019, 2:04 pm
Rappel wrote:
I actually agree with everything you're saying:
-Your children's needs come first
-Once you have 3-4 kids, you focus inward on your own family (not speaking from experience, but from the wisdom of other mothers with large families. I've only got 2 yet.)
-ectomorph and superwify said it better than I: it costs you little or nothing to pour an extra bowl of cereal, or watch the children for 15 minutes, or share some snack in the park, or help a child with his wet clothes. Of course you would do it, and even more for someone whom you love. If something needs Mom's attention, then you know where to find her.

I can only assume that this is what most posters here meant, but their answers were simplified for the internet, and that's why they came off so cold. I was surprised at the OP's specific examples, and that's why I spoke up.


Before she gave those examples she specified that they happen consistently over a few day span and usually end up with her ding more than she bargained for.

I.e.- when my sister asks me to give M and D cereal (she knows how to get me, they are my first nephews and we have a mutual adoration;) it’s not just the pouring the cereal but that I’m the adult in charge and she might walk away to deal with something else or join an adult convo elsewhere- so I have to ensure no one is fighting while eating, spills and making sure everything is cleaned up after.

In a generally positive two way relationship, where ur not taken advantage of and can say no, I’m happy to do it, but in a relationship where ur constantly being used as an assist over a few day period I can see it being too much. Especially since we don’t know how many children OP herself has, her tolerance level , how the environment is (by my in-laws it’s very hectic and I need to help a ton by meals etc, everything runs very late and my husband is often on edge or overwhelmed)

It most definitely does not make op a heartless unloving aunt.
Back to top

amother




Floralwhite


Post  Mon, Apr 15 2019, 2:08 pm
amother [ Ivory ] wrote:
It all depends if there's a healthy balance between the two. Of course it's ok to pour an extra bowl of cereal or watch the children 15 min, etc. But if there's an expectation for it and no balance between the two SIL, it rarely stays at that. What starts off with pouring an extra bowl of cereal for one kid, morphs into pouring bowls of cereal for 5 kids, then washing all their hands and cleaning all their faces. What would have been a 15 min breakfast, has now become a 30+ min chore. If you watch the kids for 15 minutes today, she will sleep in tomorrow for a half hour or more, while she relies on you to do the morning round with her kids. And then there goes your morning, whether your time to daven is gone, or you were going to make an early start of the day outdoors with your kinderlach etc, with some of your patience level already depleted.

When I read the OP's post, I never for one minute even thought she was referring to helping out a niece or nephew when the parent was unavoidably unavailable. What I inferred from the OP's post, is that her SIL uses the YT as a time to request others to chip in to ease her workload. Stepping in for one another here and there is fine, expecting another mom to bear part of your burden throughout YT is wrong.


I agree that op made it seem like sil is asking op to constantly do and do for her kids as if she's a mothers helper. But, sil is not reciprocating. Op only gave a few simple examples but she obviously figures we understand those are just small examples of what's happening on a larger scale.

There's nothing wrong with op helping her sil a little here or there. But, there's something wrong with the sil treating the op like a mothers helper taking advantage of the fact that op said yes to a few things. The sil is purposely putting op in a hard place so as to be able to have op do everything like a moms helper and knowing op will feel funny saying no!! The sil is wrong!!!

Obviously, if the sil was a nice, warm ...person then op would have no problem saying"I'm sorry but I need to focus on my daughter now"....
However, the sil is putting pressure on op to feel as if she can't say no. Its wrong to pressure op to do more things when she is already responsible for her own kids. Who wants to deal with bosiness and pressure on yom tov??

Where's the husband of this sil? Well, clearly, he's not sharing in the responsibilities of raising the kids like he should.
Back to top
  Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6  Next  Last >> Recent Topics

Page 4 of 6 View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Pesach

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Does your husband help with pesach cleaning? 37 Today at 7:40 am View last post
Help me be an Aishes Chayil please
by top mom
22 Fri, Apr 19 2019, 11:56 am View last post
Roadside help- Chaveirim 3 Thu, Apr 18 2019, 11:16 pm View last post
Help me with my menu
by amother
6 Thu, Apr 18 2019, 8:16 pm View last post
Cleaning tub, cleaning kids and time management
by amother
9 Thu, Apr 18 2019, 5:06 pm View last post

Jump to: