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My SIL expects me to help her with her kids
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imaima




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Apr 15 2019, 2:40 pm
I haven‘t read all the answers but I will throw in a different perspective.
Going away with many little kids is always a burden for me personally, I would rather stay home. Whenever I was in fancy hotels with little kids I felt more stifled than relieved since I had to always run after them and could not do things the way I do them at home.

Can it be that your SIL feels the same in your parents house? For her they are in laws. She is obligated to come but maybe it is a burden for her. She also has to keep an eye on them, make sure nothing is broken etc. You just cannot ensure everyone‘s safety under these circumstances. She must be doing great kn her own home , that is set up for her own family, and I am sure she changed the dipes in the same room where all the kids are at home, but she probably is too shy to change the diaper in the room with you, because next thing happens, you will be posting „My SIL is disgusting, she changes diapers next to me“.
In other words, being in subnormal for her circumstances, she is in need of other people‘s help.
I know, in my MIL‘s house, I made it clear, if you want me to come with kids, you help me watch them not to break all of your china figurines on the bottom shelf.
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amother




Lemon


Post  Mon, Apr 15 2019, 6:52 pm
Israeli_C wrote:
This is absolutely none. of. your. business.
Your SIL's contraceptive choices are HER business, not yours.
I don't even see the relevance of you comparing yourself to her.
And yes, even if you resent her for asking for help, it's still none of your business.
If you don't want to help, say so politely. That's derech eretz.


I totally agree with you! I was struck by op’s snide remarks about her sister just having “too many” kids, while op deems herself to be “sane” because she CHOSE how many children to have. No one should malign someone (especially family!) who chooses to do what the Torahsays and decides to not look for a hetter for bc,
Something tells me there’s more resentment her than meets the eye and this anger is t just about being asked to help with the kids
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amother




Lemon


Post  Mon, Apr 15 2019, 6:54 pm
Hi
amother [ Azure ] wrote:
So if she DID space them out, it wouldn't bother you if she expected you to take care of them?

GREAT POINT.

Israeli_C is right. There are two issues here. And the size of her family is NOT one that anyone else should be mixing into.


EXACTLY RIGHT
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amother




Khaki


Post  Mon, Apr 15 2019, 7:05 pm
To me it’s simple if you are able to help than you should. If you aren’t just say sorry but I can’t. Maybe ask someone else...
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amother




Amber


Post  Mon, Apr 15 2019, 8:59 pm
while true about being an in law in the MILs home there are more productive ways to deal with this
SIL could tell Op or dh or whoever the pressure she feels and brainstorm ways for her to have more help, being asked in this way sometimes op or someone is more willing to do certain things, it can put one on edge to have it be a constant and feel they cannot say no.
she may have lots more energy than op and not understand that op doesn't like what is easy for her is harder for op
regardless we need to live with our own choices
its true people can feel put upon when asked to help out repeatedly or even guilted by others or themselves into helping someone who has seemingly more on their plate, whatever the situation
think it through in advance and deal as best as possible

its really not about SIL it is about Op. No one likes to feel they cannot say no or always have to defer to someone who has it "harder" or can't say no if someone asks due to "guilt"
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sky




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Apr 15 2019, 9:09 pm
amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:
I agree that op made it seem like sil is asking op to constantly do and do for her kids as if she's a mothers helper. But, sil is not reciprocating. Op only gave a few simple examples but she obviously figures we understand those are just small examples of what's happening on a larger scale.

There's nothing wrong with op helping her sil a little here or there. But, there's something wrong with the sil treating the op like a mothers helper taking advantage of the fact that op said yes to a few things. The sil is purposely putting op in a hard place so as to be able to have op do everything like a moms helper and knowing op will feel funny saying no!! The sil is wrong!!!

Obviously, if the sil was a nice, warm ...person then op would have no problem saying"I'm sorry but I need to focus on my daughter now"....
However, the sil is putting pressure on op to feel as if she can't say no. Its wrong to pressure op to do more things when she is already responsible for her own kids. Who wants to deal with bosiness and pressure on yom tov??

Where's the husband of this sil? Well, clearly, he's not sharing in the responsibilities of raising the kids like he should.


I’m didn’t read any of this in the op. Maybe I missed it. It’s just interesting what each person pulls from a post. Sometimes it’s better to try to build relationships then destroy them.

1. Sil doesn’t reciprocate
2. It is constant
3. Sil treats op like mothers helper.
4. Sil knows op won’t say no so puts her in hard spot
5. She pressures op
6. She is bossy
7. DH (brother of op) isn’t raising his kids.

(The post sayin sil doesn’t reciprocate wasn’t even op)
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amother




Seagreen


Post  Mon, Apr 15 2019, 9:36 pm
amother [ Lemon ] wrote:
I totally agree with you! I was struck by op’s snide remarks about her sister just having “too many” kids, while op deems herself to be “sane” because she CHOSE how many children to have. No one should malign someone (especially family!) who chooses to do what the Torahsays and decides to not look for a hetter for bc,
Something tells me there’s more resentment her than meets the eye and this anger is t just about being asked to help with the kids


Deciding to look for a heter = not Torah. Ummm ok.
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amother




Brown


Post  Mon, Apr 15 2019, 10:03 pm
amother [ Lemon ] wrote:
I totally agree with you! I was struck by op’s snide remarks about her sister just having “too many” kids, while op deems herself to be “sane” because she CHOSE how many children to have. No one should malign someone (especially family!) who chooses to do what the Torahsays and decides to not look for a hetter for bc,
Something tells me there’s more resentment her than meets the eye and this anger is t just about being asked to help with the kids


Listen, I dont think OP is saying her sister in law shouldnt have had so many kids. Of course everybody has the right to have as many kids as they like without judgement from anybody! But if she did choose to have so many, then she cant rely on others in order to make it work.

Its like if you decide to make a 30 course dinner. And then you keep asking your sister in law to make some of the dishes because youre just so overwhelmed with it.
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amother




Lemon


Post  Mon, Apr 15 2019, 10:03 pm
amother [ Seagreen ] wrote:
Deciding to look for a heter = not Torah. Ummm ok.


I never said that. You did. I said having many children is following the Torah
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WhatFor




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Apr 15 2019, 11:53 pm
amother [ Lemon ] wrote:
I never said that. You did. I said having many children is following the Torah


Not for everyone.
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imaima




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Apr 16 2019, 12:30 am
amother [ Brown ] wrote:
Listen, I dont think OP is saying her sister in law shouldnt have had so many kids. Of course everybody has the right to have as many kids as they like without judgement from anybody! But if she did choose to have so many, then she cant rely on others in order to make it work.

Its like if you decide to make a 30 course dinner. And then you keep asking your sister in law to make some of the dishes because youre just so overwhelmed with it.


She.also does not have to choose to go to her in-laws but she does. There are so many pieces to this puzzle that are missing: whose idea was it to go there for Pessach, what accommodation each young family got, relarionship/ resentment between OP and her brother, which kids get more attention, what is the attitude of the parent house to having kids: the more the better, or space them out.

All the situations that OP mentions the SIl is available to her kids but has to leave the room out of societal expctations to tend to one of her needier children.

Totally not comparable to the situation when parents sleep in and the kids are unattanded.
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amother




Ecru


Post  Tue, Apr 16 2019, 2:00 pm
imaima wrote:
I haven‘t read all the answers but I will throw in a different perspective.
Going away with many little kids is always a burden for me personally, I would rather stay home. Whenever I was in fancy hotels with little kids I felt more stifled than relieved since I had to always run after them and could not do things the way I do them at home.

Can it be that your SIL feels the same in your parents house? For her they are in laws. She is obligated to come but maybe it is a burden for her. She also has to keep an eye on them, make sure nothing is broken etc. You just cannot ensure everyone‘s safety under these circumstances. She must be doing great kn her own home , that is set up for her own family, and I am sure she changed the dipes in the same room where all the kids are at home, but she probably is too shy to change the diaper in the room with you, because next thing happens, you will be posting „My SIL is disgusting, she changes diapers next to me“.
In other words, being in subnormal for her circumstances, she is in need of other people‘s help.
I know, in my MIL‘s house, I made it clear, if you want me to come with kids, you help me watch them not to break all of your china figurines on the bottom shelf.


This is very true. I handle my kids just fine at home. And my husband works long hours and is almost never home. But my MIL gets really upset if I breastfeed in the living room and I can't get all my kids to come into the bedroom so guess what, someone else has to watch my kids while I'm busy accomodating other people's methods.

And my mother has 30 million tchatchkes at her house. I've told my parents it's easier for me if they come to me. But they said they prefer I come to them and they help me watch the kids. And sometimes they get upset about watching the kids and then I leave. Because I can't watch my kids and protect all the tchatchkes so if they can't lend a hand I need to leave. So maybe some of my relatives judge how much help they think I need at my parent's house, but that's not really because of my choices. I didn't choose all the tchatchkes. Maybe my sister, who doesn't have kids, secretly resents me. Maybe I should resent her since I took care of her when I was a teenager and she was a baby and I could have been off relaxing or something, right? And she's faster than me and done plenty of dives to save some tchatchka.

When we spend yom Tov with my SIL or any other relatives (or any friend that's close enough to spend yom tov at), we all parent all the kids. Before I had kids I worked really hard taking care of my SIL's kids. And you know what? Now my kids are little and her older ones are helpful and they help take care of my kids sometimes. We are family and we help each other. You have to have the attitude that if there are going to be 15 kids there for YT you are all parenting all 15 kids. Not sitting there worrying about whose bottom this kid came out of and whether you're really getting yours right now. That's just a sad way to go through relationships. And it's not how family works. If you don't like it, don't go.

And children are a blessing not a burden. Blessings come with responsibilities.
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princessleah




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Apr 16 2019, 2:38 pm
I have a similar situation with my sister. I live near my parents and she lives far away. So whenever we're together, she and her H go on automatic "vacation mode." Meaning: they rarely emerge from their room before 9am on any given day. They just assume that their kids will be clothed and fed, and guess what? They are! Because either my parents take care of them or I/DH do.

What I resent is the expectation. I assume we will all be exhausted the morning after the seder, but only 2 people are going to not bother getting out of bed. I take responsibility for my own children because I don't expect that anyone else will wake up with them- that's nobody else's job but mine or DH's.

Also one of her kids has a real behavioral issue, and needs supervision, and they do not supervise him. He has hit my children before, I don't feel comfortable leaving them alone all together with no adult, even though they are on the older side (youngest is 7).

But this thread has been a good wake-up call, so I am going to proactively have a conversation with her about the above, ahead of time!
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ectomorph




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Apr 16 2019, 2:46 pm
Someone mentioned no nursing in the living room. That's the rule at my in laws and it's super stressful for me!!
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amother




Floralwhite


Post  Tue, Apr 16 2019, 3:54 pm
amother [ Ecru ] wrote:
This is very true. I handle my kids just fine at home. And my husband works long hours and is almost never home. But my MIL gets really upset if I breastfeed in the living room and I can't get all my kids to come into the bedroom so guess what, someone else has to watch my kids while I'm busy accomodating other people's methods.

And my mother has 30 million tchatchkes at her house. I've told my parents it's easier for me if they come to me. But they said they prefer I come to them and they help me watch the kids. And sometimes they get upset about watching the kids and then I leave. Because I can't watch my kids and protect all the tchatchkes so if they can't lend a hand I need to leave. So maybe some of my relatives judge how much help they think I need at my parent's house, but that's not really because of my choices. I didn't choose all the tchatchkes. Maybe my sister, who doesn't have kids, secretly resents me. Maybe I should resent her since I took care of her when I was a teenager and she was a baby and I could have been off relaxing or something, right? And she's faster than me and done plenty of dives to save some tchatchka.

When we spend yom Tov with my SIL or any other relatives (or any friend that's close enough to spend yom tov at), we all parent all the kids. Before I had kids I worked really hard taking care of my SIL's kids. And you know what? Now my kids are little and her older ones are helpful and they help take care of my kids sometimes. We are family and we help each other. You have to have the attitude that if there are going to be 15 kids there for YT you are all parenting all 15 kids. Not sitting there worrying about whose bottom this kid came out of and whether you're really getting yours right now. That's just a sad way to go through relationships. And it's not how family works. If you don't like it, don't go.

And children are a blessing not a burden. Blessings come with responsibilities.


Children are a blessing, but they are the parents' responsibility. You can say everyone must be responsible....and chip in, but who gets to make that rule??? I definitely dont agree. Everyone has different kids with different levels of difficulty and everyone is coming from different stresses some work, some are sahms. Its not fair to lump it all together. Some need more rest and to say now ull have more responsibilities is wrong. That must be your idea of family, not mine. If someone wants to help, great but noone should make demands of another person. In addition, all parents have different rules so I wouldn't want others to discipline my kids.its my job.

Also, yes, its so hard to go to parents homes that are not baby proof or dont have what we need to make it easier for us. Yes, ita a big sacrifice and kibud am/av to go anyway, but this has nothing to do with the sil. A person sacrificing to go to her parens or inlaws doesn't give her a right to demand from her sil to do xyz.

The issue with how hard it is to go away to some parents is separate from a sil demanding constant "mothers helper" type of help.
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amother




Denim


Post  Tue, Apr 16 2019, 4:38 pm
I dont agree at all with ecru, who claims if there are 15 kids for yom tov, I should bank on taking care of 15 kids.
I'm in my forties. I did my running around after little kids, and b'h when I have grandkids, I will do some more, happily. But for now, when I meet younger siblings with little kids, I have no intention of 'parenting' them for the holiday. I will give cereal or look after a kid briefly, and I will play with them when I feel like it, and give affection. But most of the time, in between meals, I am sitting on the couch, chatting with family, catching up on quality time, or reading my book, or napping. I work f/t all week. Shabbat and holidays are my time to relax.

I do sympathise with moms who find it really hard to run after little kids in a strange house. First, the dhs should be there every moment possible, lending an active hand. Second, I think there would be less resentment if there were more appreciation and more recognition that the helping sil is really doing a big favor.
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karat




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Apr 16 2019, 4:44 pm
ectomorph wrote:
Someone mentioned no nursing in the living room. That's the rule at my in laws and it's super stressful for me!!


I would never feel comfortable nursing with men in the house.
I can see why someone would implement such a rule.
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ectomorph




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Apr 16 2019, 5:26 pm
karat wrote:
I would never feel comfortable nursing with men in the house.
I can see why someone would implement such a rule.

Am I supposed to corral my kids into a room every time I need to nurse the baby? It's very annoying and not at all practical.

I am all covered up and not a bit of skin shows.

Oh well, this is the only area I'm super liberal in, so I'm probably wrong.
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amother




Denim


Post  Tue, Apr 16 2019, 5:36 pm
ectomorph wrote:
Am I supposed to corral my kids into a room every time I need to nurse the baby? It's very annoying and not at all practical.

I am all covered up and not a bit of skin shows.

Oh well, this is the only area I'm super liberal in, so I'm probably wrong.


Umm....liberal ideas are not inherently wrong!
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amother




Periwinkle


Post  Tue, Apr 16 2019, 5:50 pm
SuperWify wrote:
I have a sister like this. She goes to bed and expects others to pick up the slack. I love my nieces and nephews and have no problem watching them if I’m up anyway as long as they are playing nicely. But if their whining and made a dirty I take them to their moms bedroom.

But it’s no big deal. They are adorablely cute and I don’t see them often.

I have another sister who won’t mind watching my son while she’s minding her own three.

We’re fsmily. We do for each other. But we can say no and set boundaries too.


Yeah it’s like this in my family too. I think the difference might be that it’s a sister in law, not a sister, so she feels she has to be polite. I know I’d feel the same way if I were in her situation with a pushy sister in law.
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