Vegans invited themselves for Pesach... and we're chabad

amother

Emerald

Wed, Apr 17 2019, 11:51 am

[quote="Seashell"]Op,
You’ve written b4 about how little your husband helps out in particular on shabbos and YT, and are barely managing your own brood, k”h you have 4 little ones I think? Including twin babies! Most of us would be struggling!! You need to learn to say NO, or you will collapse. We all care about you here. “I’m sorry DH we have 4 little kinderlach including twin babies, I am not up to hosting. End of discussion.” When your DH starts taking care of at least 50% of the child care & house care u can revisit the issue. Until then, he needs to understand until the twins are a year old minimum you are in survival mode, and NOTHING extra can be taken on!!! I’m not sure why he seems so clueless but since he is you need to speak up for yourself and your kids. Don’t let yourself turn into a shmatte.[/queote]
OP, please listen to this At wits end

greenfire

Wed, Apr 17 2019, 11:55 am

if it's just a matter of vegans, throw together some extra salad & dice a plate of tomatoes with onions & put bowls of nuts out & extra sliced avocado [it's hard if you don't eat stuff like most chabadniks] [despite I love my daughter so I will run the extra love through some special vegan foods done my way]

what we also have here is the vaccinations & a real threat of measles which are rampant ~ that is more like save your life if you're drowning - I think

octopus

Wed, Apr 17 2019, 12:02 pm

I would not give in on this one for shalom bayis. My kids safety will always come first. Vulnerable babies cannot protect themselves. Vegan adults can find new accommodations. As a mother and a wife you have to know when to pick and choose your battles. This is a battle worth fighting. eizer k'negdo. Sometimes it's your job to be an eizer (helpmate)and sometimes it is your job to be a k'negdo. Sometimes it is your spiritual and physical obligation to go against what your husband wants in order to do the right thing. Even if it means it will "ruin" the rest of your y't. And btw if it does, you really need marriage counseling.

amother

Cobalt

Wed, Apr 17 2019, 12:12 pm

Every month or so you post a thread like this and get the same round of responses.

The issue isnt the vegans or their non vaxing, the issue is you and your husband. Until you set the clueless, oblivious, and difficult man straight you will have to continue posting these threads and getting the same responses.

I'm sure hes not a bad guy but you are a walking doormat. Grow a spine, say no, and he will learn to adjust. Ignore his tantrums and brooding.

Im sorry if this seems harsh but it's really the only way these crazy situations will stop. It's on you. I wish you a wonderful and relaxing yom tov.

trixx

Wed, Apr 17 2019, 12:18 pm

amother [ Cobalt ] wrote:

Yep.

Again, you stick chabad in the thread title like that's the problem. Like all you need is some chabad-friendly recipes and you're good.

That's not the problem.

How about "vegans invited themselves for Shabbos and... I have 4m twins yet dh thinks I should host a pesach meal / I am scared for my children's safety due to these guests (if you weren't you wouldn't have brought up the vax detail) / dh cares more about hosting these guests than the work it entails for me"

Seashell

Wed, Apr 17 2019, 12:20 pm

Israeli_c,
You just posted on another thread that you are helping run a huge seder in place of the chabad shluchim. Are u super human?? Seriously?!
That is way way way more then enuf for a mom of 4 tiny ones, twin new borns, and a husband who barely helps and is often not around.
Please say no to the guests!!!!

chanchy123

Wed, Apr 17 2019, 12:25 pm

Israeli_C wrote:

Pesach kasher v'sameach to all!

Just broke the news and DH is upset. Hes searching for an apartment for them in the area at the moment. He said that I could be 'creative with vegetables' and that 'you never know who else is not vaccinated in our community, so why are you davka so anti this couple??'

Tell DH that you have no creative ideas for vegan dishes and it would be way too much work for you. But he is welcome to shop and cook for this couple if it is so important for him to host.

Sebastian

Wed, Apr 17 2019, 12:36 pm

chanchy123 wrote:

Tell DH that you have no creative ideas for vegan dishes and it would be way too much work for you. But he is welcome to shop and cook for this couple if it is so important for him to host.

no he isn't welcome to shop and cook for them. They don't vaccinate their kids. There is a measles outbreak in Israel. OP has 4 mo old twins. They. Can't. Come.

The vegan part doesn't bother me so much. If they were rude enough to invite themselves over, they can subsist on matza, water and salad for all I care.

chanchy123

Wed, Apr 17 2019, 1:19 pm

Sebastian wrote:

Sounds like that would be enough for the DH in this case to univite the guests.
It seems that the vaccination card (which would be a deal breaker for me) does not work for this guy. You need to be smart.

Sebastian

Wed, Apr 17 2019, 1:37 pm

chanchy123 wrote:

he'll sulk no matter what she tells him. he needs to grow up.

amother

Cobalt

Wed, Apr 17 2019, 2:45 pm

Sebastian wrote:

he'll sulk no matter what she tells him. he needs to grow up.

He may need to grow up but OP is a classic enabler. You teach people how to treat you in life. She taught her husband she can and should be taken advantage of. Her martyr personality is a huge contributor to their problems.

Nothing about him indicates abuse. Just a clueless guy who has no idea how to treat a wife who has 4 babies close in age.

Both of them need serious marriage counseling.

Raisin

Wed, Apr 17 2019, 2:59 pm

amother [ Sapphire ] wrote:

Just some little questions, really for raisin
1) Is that because there is a good chance that they are Sfardi? Or is the assumption that one who is Dati Liumi (which I understand-correct me if I am wrong is Modern Orthodox ) is "less frum" and therefore less machmir?

I understand the whole not "mish" thing. Fyi, many MO do not "mish" either.
And I SURLY would not let non-vaccinated people near my babies!!!

2) My second question is about kitniot, gebrochts (many MO don't eat as well), and processed food on Shabbos- I imagine it is because in Israel Pesach will be over -what about the dishes... won't they still be out and the same? How would one do that logistically?

My questions are not judging, just trying to have a better understanding (and hence appreciation) of people different than myself.

1. I know other ashkenazi DL people who have started eating kitnios, especially in this case being vegans, its incredibly difficult to manage 7 days of pesach with no kitnios.
2. There is a good (50%) chance the husband of the couple is sefardi.

As for the shabbos following pesach, afaik Chabad people will eat gebrokts and regular processed food they don't eat on pesach on this shabbos. And kitnios products like tubs of chummus. (presumably eating off paper plates)

In Chul chabad people always eat gebrokts on the 8th day, cooking in our regular pesach pots and eating off real dishes. This year I can cook the matza balls before shabbos, but not use the pot for anything else.

amother

Chocolate

Wed, Apr 17 2019, 3:06 pm

I made a thread yesterday about how I feel like a jerk for not extending an invitation to a family who called up fishing around for it.

I hate to disappoint people. I like to feel like I want to collect every mitzvah and even if it means being a martyr. It's my nature.

But even I just had to say no. I still feel kind of bad but at least I've protected my health and my sanity and my family needs me to be healthy and sane, so....

Please do the same for yourself and just tell these people no. Pesach is hard. You have a lot going on. You have babies. You are worried about protecting their health.

Honestly, the vegan thing is totally besides the point. So what if they just eat matza and potatoes and cucumber slices. They'll live. But you'll be miserable and worried. Don't do it.

Besides, it's really a chutzpah that they didn't even ASK!!

Raisin

Wed, Apr 17 2019, 3:16 pm

FYI, to the person who mention fish, vegans eat no products of animal origin. No meat, poultry, fish, eggs, dairy, honey. Although I have met frum vegans will eat egg challah if there is no other option.

Vegetarians eat no meat or poultry or fish but eat dairy, eggs and honey.

Pescatarians eat no meat or poultry but will eat fish and eggs and dairy and honey.

BUT a lot of people who are pescatarians use the word vegetarian because they think people don't know what it is. So it gets confusing.

amother

Plum

Wed, Apr 17 2019, 3:16 pm

Raisin wrote:

No. Just gebrokts and with regular pesach utensils and on the table, davka.

amother

Seafoam

Wed, Apr 17 2019, 3:46 pm

Israeli_C wrote:

I've already posted about this vegan family before (especially after they invited themselves to my home after I had my twins and they're anti-vaxx) and now, they're coming to town again! The husband basically invited himself to our home for chag sheni. I'm in a tizzy because they're vegan and we're chabad, so apart from serving them a potato on a plate, I don't have a clue what to do for them.

And I don't even want the headache with all the things going on in my life at the moment :/

Cancel? Try to accommodate? What to do?

I believe you should tell them in no uncertain terms that your first obligation is towards keeping your family safe, and you can’t permit any close contact with people who aren’t vaccinated!

Rappel

Wed, Apr 17 2019, 4:15 pm

Seashell wrote:

Israeli_c,
You just posted on another thread that you are helping run a huge seder in place of the chabad shluchim. Are u super human?? Seriously?!

I'm pretty sure she is Smile

Having two little ones home this week has nearly sent me around the bend. 4 under 3??? You'd see me laughing all the way to the nice men in the white coats. All while managing a grassroots community. Supermom.