S/o of s/o. We backpaid DH tuition

33055

Sun, May 05 2019, 1:21 pm

amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:

I'm not really sure why you are so upset.

So... We are in a similar situation as your in-laws. We owe tuition money to some of our kids schools. We live in a "better" neighborhood.... paid for by my parents. BUT, our tuition bill last year, for seven kids, was about $60,000, after scholarships. Our gross salary last year was about $95,000. You do the math. It's obvious that we simply can't pay all the tuitions, and some schools are not getting the money. Any money we do have is prioritized for schools that my kids are currently in, that's just the reality. So we owe money to schools that my kids have already left.

If you'll explain to me how it became a crime to "only" make a decent middle class income? We're not criminals, my dh and I both work. So what did your in-laws do wrong exactly?

ETA: We did set up a payment plan with one school when my child approached us for his high school diploma. But it took us some time to pay, it didn't happen overnight.

It's not a crime to make a middle class income. It's obnoxious to make comments to about other people living within their means.

Or is also wrong to allow OP's DH to continue learning and obligating him to pay the Bill's. He should have been told after HS that HE is incurring debt.

amother

Burgundy

Sun, May 05 2019, 1:28 pm

Op - the situation ur in-laws forced u into is horrible. I really respect u for not telling anyone especially ur parents. U r absolutely eight in my opinion. THAT WOULD DO NOTHING BUT CREATE BAD FEELINGS. I'm some impressed by ur control WOW!!!

I can relate - not nearly as extreme- though there were some VERY BASIC corners that my in laws cut ( when they totally DID have the money) I know it would get my parents furious if they knew and until today I never told them. I know it would be counter- productive.

I am also fasinated by the part about ur parents and how u thought they r poor when u were child. I can definitely relate to that. I'm curious were ur parents children of survivors who grew up very poor???

It's interesting to me how some never got past it. Of course u don't have to answer. I have more to say- I find this interesting how different people react to their chilshoods of poverty.

Again - u dealt with this in an amazing way!! I am so impressed!! Applause

amother

Lemon

Sun, May 05 2019, 1:30 pm

Squishy wrote:

Its also not right that it wasnt disclosed to OP that her husband is entering the marriage with a significant amount of debt and financial burdens.

She worked and saved $150k and did without, even returning jewlery that her in laws presented her with at the wedding and hadnt paid off. She had a right to know going in that her husband would, so early in thr marriage while still in kollel, have to give his parents (her?) Money, and would have to pay off thousands and thousands of dollars in his HS tuition in order to get an education.

mig100

Sun, May 05 2019, 1:34 pm

notshanarishona wrote:

There is nothing wrong with making a payment plan and taking 5 - 10 years to pay off your child's tuition. There is something very wrong about just ignoring the issue and not paying , that is called stealing.

This. Exactly.

Fuchsia- I totally sympathize with ur financial situation. It's tough. I wish I had a solution.

Yet- that does NOT justify the lifestyles and financial neglect ops in laws did. Not at all.

That was very wrong!!!

amother

Pearl

Sun, May 05 2019, 1:36 pm

amother [ Lemon ] wrote:

This. I found out while we were engaged and it really shook me up, I felt I was trapped into a life I never imagined. Bh I know there are things that are more important than money but I had a short engagement with no time to process this and had to make big decisions quickly. Seeing the money I painstakingly put away amount to so little in the face of his debt (I did not have close to what op had) was a terrible feeling. Watching my parents shock and horror at being swindled and knowing there’s nothing they can do about it was awful, my chosson having nothing to do about the situation was also terrible. I still struggle with the feeling that there is no one to protect me and am much more anxious about finances than I used to be. It got our marriage off to a very hard start.

amother

Sun, May 05 2019, 2:00 pm

[quote="amother [ Pearl ]

My husband has standards I wouldn’t dream of because his parents were never financially responsible, [/quote]

I didnt want to get into everything else that comes along with raising one's child this way. Finances is something that will probably always be a stress in our marriage just because of the dramatically different ways we were raised. Even thou we are bh secure I still dont like frivolous spending. My DH and his sibling are always organizing get aways and vacations and "wasting" money. They cant help it ...

amother

Cerulean

Sun, May 05 2019, 2:12 pm

OP, I am so sorry. I feel so bad about this policy.
We got significant tuition assistance for our kids and I would never expect them to be liable to make it up. In fact, over the years I did volunteer work/worked at a serious discount. Ultimately I was asked to do that job for a salary and I did the math and realized I must have worked off all our tuition assistance over the years!
But the tuition assistance was meant to be scholarship. We bH did pay what we asked to pay each year, on time.

amother

Sun, May 05 2019, 2:15 pm

amother [ Burgundy ] wrote:

Thank you for the validation! It really means a lot to me!
Regarding how my parents were raised. No they weren't raised by surivors. They are in their 50s and their parents in their 70s. Bh both sets of grandparents are exteremely well off but my paternal grandparents didnt make their money until my father was a teen and my maternal grandmother was an almana until my mother was 17. She remarried and together with the life insurance money she had from her late husband plus the sale of her home, her and her new husband became very successful together. My parents got help from both sides when buying their home and im sure other times along the way but neither of them "threw" money at their children and we certainly didn't benefit 1st hand from having successful grandparents. Like I said I thought we were poor. I remember my husband pointing out to me something about my parents inheritance down the road. I was horrified because I never would think that way but that was probably a regular discussion in his home growing up because his parents are in their late 60s and his grandparents were near death a lot of his life and im sure my I laws viewed the money they were going to get to help them with their debts...

amother

Green

Sun, May 05 2019, 2:43 pm

amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:

Ok, you have a different situation from ops inlaws. If her inlaws had money for expensive weddings, they should've used the money TO PAY BACK TUITION OWED AND MAKE TAKANA WEDDINGS INSTEAD!!! Its a crime not to pay back tuition owed because on the contract that everyone signs, you are signing that you will pay.
If you have no money for basics, then yes, pay for those basics before tuition but ops inlaws was paying for extravagances while ignoring tuition bills. That's a crime, dishonest!!! And, its mandatory to pay tuition but not mandatory to have a fancy wedding(you can make a cheaper one).

Your situation sounds very different from ops inlaws.

amother

Green

Sun, May 05 2019, 2:53 pm

Op, I'm sorry for this. I would be very upset if this happened to me. I do think you have a right to be upset at your inlaws, but if they each grew up rich and spoiled, they probably never learned how to budget properly, so it seems they were naive especially since they were continually spoiled when married too, so they never learned real financial independence.

Meanwhile, regarding what you wrote about your parents, are you upset at your parents that they said you were poor and didn't pay for your outings, or for family vacations etc??? It seems your parents did prioritize and paid all the important bills so as to avoid debt. In addition, your parents forced you to learn financial independence which forced you to save money. It seems your parents did an excellent job and it seems they were the lower middle class caught in the "middle" such that they could pay for basics with no government help but couldn't afford extras. Well, kudos to them. They did the opposite of your inlaws.

I'm sorry that your inlaws ruined all this for you...such that you worked so hard and your savings went to his parents bills...

amother

Pearl

Sun, May 05 2019, 3:17 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I didnt want to get into everything else that comes along with raising one's child this way. Finances is something that will probably always be a stress in our marriage just because of the dramatically different ways we were raised. Even thou we are bh secure I still dont like frivolous spending. My DH and his sibling are always organizing get aways and vacations and "wasting" money. They cant help it ...

We are not (yet iyh) secure, so in many ways it’s harder to deal with the stress- having to rely on my parents for help sometimes while being self conscious that my husband is maybe not responsible enough etc.

Although I worry that it will only get harder when we iyh have discretionary income because like you say what’s reasonable to him is often crazy to me. One problem at a time ... Speechless

amother

Pearl

Sun, May 05 2019, 5:15 pm

amother [ Smokey ] wrote:

That’s terrible. They should have been upfront before you married about debt. How much are we talking here? 10,000 or 50,000? Honestly, I’d ask the in laws to pay. This is money owed from before you were married.

Not op here but in our case it was somewhere between those numbers, on the higher end.
We definitely asked them to pay but my husband knew they wouldn’t and was honest with me about that Bh- this whole debacle was so mortifying for him I was so angry that they put him through it.
This is besides for them racking up wedding bills and leaving my parents to pay them to the tune of another few tens of thousands.

amother

Sun, May 05 2019, 5:35 pm

amother [ Smokey ] wrote:

I dont remember exact numbers but I do remember that he told them he cant pay the full amount and they told him they will make some sort of compromise. Each school was probably 3-4k

amother

Sun, May 05 2019, 5:45 pm

amother [ Green ] wrote:

...

Meanwhile, regarding what you wrote about your parents, are you upset at your parents that they said you were poor and didn't pay for your outings, or for family vacations etc???..

I was toward the older end of a large family and my mother was extremely practical. I think a family vacation to her would have been the opposite of relaxing. I was probably angry at her at different times in my life (teen years) but nothing ever too significant that it sticks out in my mind. My mother was a very scheduled person so not having extras or takeout worked with her overall mentality...
She paid for school shabaton and my year book and things of that sort. She didnt pay for me to go upstate with my friends on midwinter. I actually went to camp 2 summers and my parents paid for it. I used my money for canteen..
When I was engaged I knew my parents werent going to make me an expensive wedding. It didnt even cross my mind to think they wouldnt marry me off as cheap as possible. To my mothers credit thou she really set me up nicely. I got beautiful furniture, kitchenwares, linens etc. I am still enjoying that now and hope to for many more years ...