What do u do specifically different than your parents?

amother

Purple

Mon, May 06 2019, 8:51 am

thunderstorm wrote:

I like the entire household to be ready erev Shabbos a few hours before Shabbos , where we are able to relax and chill. My mother and father were both last minute. I remember my mother bentching lecht her hair wrapped in a towel and her in a bathrobe literally a minute before shkia. And it always involved yelling and screaming between putting away last minute muktzah or shutting lights etc.
My kids are getting older and they like the idea of last minute showering which drives me bonkers because we always did the opposite. So maybe my kids will end up being last minute people like my parents since I do the opposite.

I love this! This thought was running through my mind... I try to do things different from my parents- what will my children do different than me?!

amother

Seafoam

Mon, May 06 2019, 8:52 am

I think my parents were mostly very good, but there are three major mistakes they made that I'm trying to avoid with mine:

1. They divorced when I was very young and never got over the guilt, so they spoiled me rotten. While bh I have a happy marriage, so I'm not concerned about divorce, I'm careful not to go overboard just because I feel guilty about something. If I was too hard on a child or something, I will apologize, give extra hugs, maybe read an extra bedtime story that day. But I'm not going to give an extra treat or an extra hour of screen time just out of guilt (though I might well do those things for some other reason).
2. I was expected to get perfect grades, and I did. This has not really served me well in life. It's left me with anxiety and depression, I have ADHD which was not diagnosed until adulthood because I was getting perfect grades as a kid, so there was no reason to suspect anything. I struggle tremendously with a lot of basic adult stuff (like housekeeping) and it also took me a long time to figure out a career, so until I settled on a career path (relatively recently) I was not doing nearly as well professionally as one would expect from such a perfect student. In sum, grades in school aren't everything, so I do not put that pressure on my kids. School still IS important, and I do expect my kids to take it seriously, prioritize it, and do the best they can. But I do not expect perfection, and I do not expect them to make themselves crazy for top grades or tie up their self worth in academic achievement.
3. Weight. My parents are extremely weight conscious and to this day I struggle tremendously with weight. I am about as close to an eating disorder as you can get without actually crossing the line into full blown eating disorder. I am careful with my kids never to make weight an issue. Only health. We try to be healthy and take care of our bodies, but we don't make it about weight. Health is important, weight is just a number, and not a particularly useful one at that.

amother

Cobalt

Mon, May 06 2019, 9:08 am

amother [ Seafoam ] wrote:

Just have a question about grades. Why do you think that being forced to get good grades, caused you to not be able to settle on a career path? Asking bec I'm struggling with something similar

amother

Seafoam

Mon, May 06 2019, 10:08 am

amother [ Cobalt ] wrote:

Just have a question about grades. Why do you think that being forced to get good grades, caused you to not be able to settle on a career path? Asking bec I'm struggling with something similar

A few reasons, I think. First, the whole "jack of all trades, master of none" thing. I was pretty good at really everything, and genuinely liked most subjects, so it was tough to actually figure out what I wanted to do. But the bigger issue was that after a lifetime of being the smartest and best at everything, finding out that in the big wide world I was actually not unusually smart or talented and that not everything comes easily or naturally was a very difficult thing to face. Once you're out of school, your grades are pretty much meaningless. Also, most important things can't be learned through books and theories, you learn on the job. When you've always succeeded, failure really hits hard and can make it difficult to get back up, dust yourself off, and keep going. Also, I had to learn that unlike school, where I could be good at anything I worked at, in life, I am better suited for some things than for others, and that's ok. Eventually I bh did find a field that I'm very well suited for. Never did figure out housekeeping.

amother

Lemon

Mon, May 06 2019, 10:25 am

My mother was extremely selfish with her family but giving to others. She wouldn't let me borrow her pearls on my wedding day. I can remember the few times I got new clothes because it was such an event. When my sister above me stopped growing, I had to patch my clothes because I stopped getting hand me downs even though I didn't stop growing. I learned to sew by necessity.

My kids have an over abundance of clothes. I make sure my giving impulses are done at home first. My pocketbook and jewelry box are open to my kids except for inappropriate expensive pieces. They have credit cards. I had to teach them restraint. We go over the bills monthly. Now I get a text telling me when there is a charge which stopped much of the charges.

My mother was busy out of the house daily. When she was home, she was busy keeping her museam perfect. There were only 2 reasons I went out at night. One was a weekly date night. And that only happened when they were in bed when they were little.

DH grew up poor. His father gave away what he made to help others. He gives our kids a ridiculous number of cars and pays for everything to do with them. But he will also give away our money. I put the Rabbi in charge and give him our maaser. DH must ask him.

We both have our reaction formations to our upbringing. I tend to be tighter with savings but well never deprive my kids or DH.

amother

Babypink

Mon, May 06 2019, 10:34 am

I am wondering what people mean when they said their parents made them get good grades? I was always encouraged to get good grades, and given my personality, I was anxious about them, the way I am anxious about all important things going on in my life. I certainly encouraged my children to do their best at school. But what does "made them" mean? Were you punished for bad grades, did you lose dessert, did you miss out on treats?

Would you have preferred your parents did not care what you did in school, or if you ever did your homework? I always praised effort, not as much results. But ultimately, most of the time the effort did yield positive results. I agree that school can be more simplistic than the real world because of that, but how is that your parents fault?

amother

Seafoam

Mon, May 06 2019, 10:36 am

amother [ Crimson ] wrote:

Btw omg I also suffer today from being forced to get good grades. Basically I have no self confidence and an extreme fear of failure so I'm scared to invest in an education for fear I won't find a job or won't enjoy that career...
I work in an office now...

Sea foam I'd love if you could pm me. Can I post my name and you'll pm me, and then I'll edit the post to be another again ?

You can email me at bezrathashemsoon@gmail.com. Just let me know if you end up reaching out, as that's not my primary email, so I don't check it so often.

groovy1224

Mon, May 06 2019, 10:38 am

Wow this thread turned heavy real fast.

I had a mostly happy childhood, but of course like everyone I had some gripes. One issue that always stood out to me was that my parents (my mom in particular) were very out of touch with what was 'cool' or 'in' so I never had the popular clothes or toys. I always felt embarrassed to be wearing old fashioned clothes, and I never got barbies or American Girl Dolls or anything that my friends had that I so badly wanted.

I definitely do not buy my kids ALL the "in" things, I don't think it's necessary or healthy to have everything everyone else has. But I do try and make sure they are dressed reasonably stylishly, and pay attention to what they ask for and don't buy them gifts based on what I think they should want, but rather pay attention to what they ask for and what their friends have. I want them to know that if they really want something, I can either get it for them (for a birthday or something, as long as it's not excessively expensive) or help them brainstorm a way to earn for it themselves.

amother

Crimson

Mon, May 06 2019, 10:39 am

amother [ Seafoam ] wrote:

You can email me at bezrathashemsoon@gmail.com. Just let me know if you end up reaching out, as that's not my primary email, so I don't check it so often.

Ok. I don't want to bother creating a new email account so I probably won't. But it's good to know I'm not alone in feeling this Way!
I was known as the smartest girl in school and was in for a real shock when it came to real life! I hope I will be able to find my calling, like you seem to have done!

Chayalle

Mon, May 06 2019, 10:55 am

My parents taught me to be thrifty and that is something I try to emulate with my own kids as well. To be honest, I really don't relate to the need of spending alot on trinkets and snacks from gas stations that can be gotten for 1/4 of the price in advance....though if need be (like we are out shopping and child is thirsty) I will definitely buy from a vending machine if I didn't prepare beforehand.

I am different from my parents in other areas though. My parents were much more "European" style, more strict about various things that I'm more chilled about.

And like thunderstorm, I like doing things in advance, be it Shabbos or Pesach. I'd rather slowly cook Y"T over a week's time than cram it all in last minute and be exhausted when Y"T arrives.

amother

Vermilion

Mon, May 06 2019, 11:02 am

groovy1224 wrote:

Me! Me! Me!
I try my best for my kids in this area too, but I always know I can ask my more fashion savvy sisters when I'm unsure. The way life was, my mother really didn't even have anyone to ask.

amother

Seafoam

Mon, May 06 2019, 11:04 am

amother [ Babypink ] wrote:

I never got final grades low enough to find out what would happen, but on the very rare occasions where I brought home a test under a 90, they would express extreme disappointment and fixate on what I could do to fix my average for the semester. I would have tv or computer privileges taken away, not be allowed to go out with friends, stuff like that until I brought my average back up.

Not obsessing over grades does not equal being uninvolved in your kids' education. It means not obsessing over grades. I stated above that my kids are still expected to prioritize school and put in a reasonable effort, doing the best they can within their abilities. Also, if a child was in danger of failing or really struggling, I would assume something else is going on and get them the help they need, not just enact disciplinary measures. The few times my grades slipped a bit, there WAS something going on, and nobody ever bothered to investigate.