What do u do specifically different than your parents?

amother

Black

Mon, May 06 2019, 8:02 pm

I'm much more aware of what's going on in my kids' lives than my parents were. Or at least, I try to be. My parents were pretty hands off, which I'm sure works well sometimes. But they missed out on me being molested, another sibling being seriously s-xually abused, and many many other safety concerns. I work very hard at finding a balance of giving my kids independence and space while keeping my eyes and ears very wide open.

amother

Firebrick

Mon, May 06 2019, 8:24 pm

one of the things I do differently is that I cook everything before yom tov.

my mother cooks almost everything on YT (mainly because she fries most of her dishes) and she get stressed and upset and moody that she has been sitting in front of the frying pan for 2 hours before the meal. and then the whole meal is ruined with mom being grouchy.

I took this from my mom-in-law who slides everything into the over to warm up each YT meal and then reads on the couch etc.

I'm happy I saw this at my in-laws. The best thing I could ever do for myself

zaftigmom

Mon, May 06 2019, 9:14 pm

I give my kids massive amounts of love in all five love languages all day every day. I don't talk about my body or their bodies in a negative way. I allow fun foods for them a lot more than my parents did and a lot less than my in-laws. I am very careful to keep the home environment positive and stress free. I keep the house neat enough to not be chaotic and have cleaning help I can't afford so I can still be a calm mommy. I apologize to them when I make mistakes. I keep the lines of communication open without pressuring them to talk. I'm significantly more flexible than my parents and more structured and disciplined than my in-laws. I work really hard to find the balance between the 2 families. DH and I both grew up in wonderful imperfect families so we strive to copy the good and learn from the not so good.

Disclaimer: My kids are still little so it's all easy for me to say.

amother

Purple

Mon, May 06 2019, 10:14 pm

I spoke a lot to my daughter before she entered Shiduchim and during the process. I only listened to suggestions that I felt were good for her- not that were good for me. I dont recall ever getting asked what qualities I wanted in a husband, or having someone to discuss my doubts with. She’s bh married to a wonderful man now and their smiles when they come visit says it all

amother

Burlywood

Mon, May 06 2019, 11:09 pm

I tell my kids every day that I love them and I don't rely on then knowing it just because...

My parents did a great job in shaping me into the person I am today, so I have lots to thank them for.

What I would absolutely do differently is not talk about finances un front of the kids, especially in a negative manner. The kids should not have to worry about money and should not have a negative addition towards money, like I do today.

Lastly, I work very hard not to argue with DH in front of the kids, and I always make sure my kids know that I am on one page with him bmto wrap it up, they should see and feel the harmony and safety in their home.

amother

Peach

Tue, May 07 2019, 9:36 am

I moved oot and moved ever so slightly to the left hashkafically than the way that I was brought up so that I can send my children to a yeshiva day school and highschool that encourages college so that my children can be self sufficient. I feel like it's not fair to expect them to be self sufficient if I don't help prepare them by sending them to a school that encourages this (for girls and BOYS). Obviously this is all in Hashem's hands, and I know this sounds selfish, but I'm just doing my hishtadlus and hoping I won't need to help out my children financially when they're adults.

amother

Wine

Tue, May 07 2019, 10:37 am

urban gypsy wrote:

I completely agree with seafoam and crimson. This is basically a summary of everything that went wrong in my life. Grew up my whole life being told I would win a Nobel Prize, and like crimson, I work in an office now. I've intuited parts of it but never seen it laid right out quite like this before. I'm not sure how to fix this now or what to do about it. Whenever I think about it, it gives me so much pain and suffering. TMI

Wow same here! Is this a thing?

amother

Pumpkin

Tue, May 07 2019, 3:04 pm

amother [ Silver ] wrote:

I apologize when I am wrong.

I let them eat a lot more junk food ...

snip

Why is that good to let them eat a lot of junk food? Granted, giving them none is not good, but what about occasionally as a treat. You may have grown up with little or none, but you can add a little more...

I wonder if one day your kids will do differently than you in this area, and one day will say "I give my kids healthful snacks, aside from the occasional junk food)

amother

Royalblue

Tue, May 07 2019, 3:14 pm

I'm much more aware of what's going on in my kids' lives than my parents were.
I really care about my kids. I give much more warmth and love to my kids. when they grow up I plan on being a very different parent to my girls than my parents were to me.
My parents are "chilled" hands off and still are. I do not speak with my mom unless I need something or vice versa. She could care less about my life...

amother

Violet

Tue, May 07 2019, 3:48 pm

1. Keep my kids home till they r three. (Both my parents worked full time from the day I was born and I felt neglected my whole childhood)
2. Treat my children like real people with legitimate opinions and feelings and ty to explain things on their level
3. No family dinner at 830 pm when everyone can be there (I was starving and hated waiting). My kids eat dinner at 430 right after school a d have a snack before bed.
4. No alcohol, food/sugar addiction, binge/starvation jokes. It's not funny, it's dangerous.
5. No screaming, swearing, throwing furniture. Disagreements are calm and private.
5. Hardly ever have guests--were all introverts.
6. I send me kids to a school that alligns with my values.

amother

cornflower

Tue, May 07 2019, 7:27 pm

Have a clean house and try to have dinner ready on time and a snack for when the kids come home.

Much more on the emotional front but this for now for here

Amalia

Tue, May 07 2019, 7:46 pm

Ruchel wrote:

I'm cooler on some stricter on some but mke sure they learn housework

This is an amazing thread. Thank you to everyone who contributed!

Ruchel,

This is so important! Can you please share what you have your children learn to do, at what ages, and how you make them actually do it? Many thanks!

amother

Fuchsia

Tue, May 07 2019, 8:00 pm

The biggest is I make sure not to burden my children with my money worries. If money is tight, I'm very matter-of-fact about it but I don't give them more information than necessary, and I don't attach my emotions to it. My parents were SO dysfunctional in this regard. Still are. I remember when I had to bring in money for my eighth grade yearbook, instead of calling the office to discuss the hardship involved, my mother made me go to the yearbook committee and haggle with them. It was SO awkward and inappropriate.
To this day they will meow about their lack of money to me, in front of my kids, at the shabbos table.... it hurts like hell.

Petra

Tue, May 07 2019, 10:04 pm

I actually tell my children I love them and also give them hugs. I make sure we have family time. I take them to the dentist regularly and make sure my kids are clean and bathe regularly. I do not discipline my kids in front of their friends. I cook food from scratch and I involve my kids in cooking. When my kids were younger, I would put them to bed and read them a story almost nightly, or my DH would if I couldn't for some reason.

amother

Lawngreen

Wed, May 08 2019, 6:07 am

I think my parents did a good job of imbuing me with their values, so I don’t do anything deliberately different. The only diff I can think of is that the world is less safe than it was so I’ve had to adjust. I was allowed to play outside by myself when I was only about four and not allowed to run and jump inside.. My kids couldn’t be given such freedom to be unsupervised outside so they had to be allowed to run and jump inside.

amother

Ivory

Wed, May 08 2019, 6:51 am

My mom neglected her self-care and us kids felt the repercussions.
Although that is a learned behavior by me, I try hard to make self-care and self-expression a priority so that my children don’t suffer the consequences of having a mom who is overdrawn.
I also don’t want my daughters neglecting themselves when they are moms iyH, so I try to show them a healthy balance between my needs and the needs of the house and kids.

Ruchel

Wed, May 08 2019, 6:53 am

Amalia wrote:

My FIL zal couldn't make himself a coffee. He would call the concierge. My husband decided he would NOT be like that. He is the one who is good at cooking and stuff. He taught himself. I was so not taught, I was uninterested and spoiled. He taught me what I know (plus the few times my grandmother taught me).

So, we teach helping from very early (there's an age they are interested) and frame it as family duty and as also being independent to the older ones. It's not always what they want, but they do understand life is easier when you don't have to "call the concierge". My bas mitzvah kah can cook for herself and the little ones and she randomly does it. My 7 year old can make himself cold stuff or microwave and he can handle the little ones, do a bottle... We're working on the 4 year old Wink