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Dd jealous of boys, says they get to do much more
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, May 29 2019, 1:38 pm
Dd age 10 periodically brings up that its not fair because boys have it better and get to do more. She is in a predominantly girls family with only little boys.

Her little brother recently had an upsherin and she complained that it's not fair that boys get an upsherin and girls dont. She doesnt even like to be center of attention, so its not that. And she says its not fair that boys get to have a rebbe and learn mishnayos and gemara, etc.. When I tell her there are things she can learn too, she says its not the same.

Now her little brother is getting ready to start school and again, dd is saying that it's not fair that he gets to go to a "yeshiva" and boys do better things and are luckier etc etc.

I try to give her understanding and a listening ear.
I try to talk about what's good about being a girl/woman.
I try to point out that she can do many of those things, too, if she wants, such as go to shul.

How can I help her? Anyone have experience with something like this?
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ectomorph




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, May 29 2019, 1:39 pm
Are you a good role model?
do you have interests outside the home and work?
do you get together with your friends and do fun things?
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, May 29 2019, 1:42 pm
ectomorph wrote:
Are you a good role model?
do you have interests outside the home and work?
do you get together with your friends and do fun things?


Totally! I love being a woman! I love going out and doing fun things...
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aricelli




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, May 29 2019, 1:44 pm
Give it a few more years and if your schools are anything like mine - this time it’ll be your sons kvetching about all the fun things the girls get to do while theyre learning all day
Eta- sounds like your on the tight track- giving her validation
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amother




Gold
 

Post Wed, May 29 2019, 1:47 pm
aricelli wrote:
Give it a few more years and if your schools are anything like mine - this time it’ll be your sons kvetching about all the fun things the girls get to do while theyre learning all day
Eta- sounds like your on the tight track- giving her validation


You betcha!! Now comes summer!
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amother




Green
 

Post Wed, May 29 2019, 1:50 pm
Once her younger brother grows us and has a much longer school day and has to wake up for minyan rain or shine while she gets to sleep in on Shabbos/vacation days, she will realize that girls actually have it a lot easier then boys. When my sleepy teenage girls wake up at 11 a.m. or later on Sundays, I tell them to make an extra special She'asani Kirtzono in their davening!

For now, I would suggest that you try to carve out some "girl time" with her that her brother is not allowed to be part of because it is for girls only. You can make Rosh Chodesh a special girls night out where you take her out for ice cream or to get your nails done. She needs to learn that boys and girls are different and should not be compared, but I think it would help for her to feel that there are privileges she gets specifically because she is a girl.
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amother




Smokey
 

Post Wed, May 29 2019, 1:52 pm
To some extent - if she/you are living in a yeshivish/RW world - she is right. It's a man's world.
I stress to my DD the many things she can do, primarily in the secular world. We are lucky that nowadays, a frum girls can be and do almost anything she wants in the outside world.

Many above posters are right in noting that there are many aspects of being a frum girl that make your life easier. Less religious responsibility, no mitzvos asei she'hazman grama. I totally agree that it's easier. But for those people (kids and adults) who have a drive to do/be/act, easy does not necessarily mean better or more fulfilling. So for some, the struggle will still remain.
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urban gypsy




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, May 29 2019, 1:54 pm
Sounds a bit like my daughter.
She is very concerned about fairness, not particularly doing what boys do.
Just make sure rules and opportunities in your family are fair and equal.
There is nothing I allow my boy to do that I don't allow my girls to do and vice versa (except wearing skirts/kippas and lighting shabbos candles/doing kiddush I guess)
If your daughter is complaining about not learning mishnayos sit down and learn some with her.
If she sees it's not "forbidden" she will stop turning it into an issue.
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ectomorph




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, May 29 2019, 1:55 pm
urban gypsy wrote:
Sounds a bit like my daughter.
She is very concerned about fairness, not particularly doing what boys do.
Just make sure rules and opportunities in your family are fair and equal.
There is nothing I allow my boy to do that I don't allow my girls to do and vice versa (except wearing skirts/kippas and lighting shabbos candles/doing kiddush I guess)
If your daughter is complaining about not learning mishnayos sit down and learn some with her.
If she sees it's not "forbidden" she will stop turning it into an issue.

I love this idea
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urban gypsy




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, May 29 2019, 1:59 pm
ectomorph wrote:
I love this idea


I cannot fathom not learning Torah with a child who asked!
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imorethanamother




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, May 29 2019, 3:10 pm
urban gypsy wrote:
Sounds a bit like my daughter.
She is very concerned about fairness, not particularly doing what boys do.
Just make sure rules and opportunities in your family are fair and equal.
There is nothing I allow my boy to do that I don't allow my girls to do and vice versa (except wearing skirts/kippas and lighting shabbos candles/doing kiddush I guess)
If your daughter is complaining about not learning mishnayos sit down and learn some with her.
If she sees it's not "forbidden" she will stop turning it into an issue.


Exactly. I don't know if I love the idea of saying how amazing girls have it that they don't have to do things like go to shul and daven. It sends a certain message that could be misinterpreted, and isn't exactly accurate.

When a girl complains about not having an upsherin, remind her of her recent birthday party. (If you never made one for her, maybe that's what's bothering her, and plan for the next year accordingly). If a girl complains about not learning gemara, bring out the Artscroll and start Brachos. It's actually fascinating. She won't be too pleased once she gets to Eiruvin, though.
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imorethanamother




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, May 29 2019, 3:11 pm
Also, what does she think is better about having a Rebbe versus a woman teacher? And why does she think a yeshiva is better than her school?
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amother




Vermilion
 

Post Wed, May 29 2019, 3:15 pm
Its usually the boys complaining that the girls get to have fun and do stuff while they're in yeshiva all day. Girls have much more extra curricular activities available for them. My mom would give the boys a day off from time to time to take them on trips because they're always complaining that they don't get to do anything fun.
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amother




Slateblue
 

Post Wed, May 29 2019, 3:41 pm
Some random thoughts
1. Validate her. It’s not fair. In many ways, boys have it better
2. Reinforce that Hashem makes no mistakes and put her nishama in a female body. Her tafkid in this world is meant to be fulfilled as female.
3. Help her do the things boys do that are fine for girls, even if less common in yeshivishe circles (DH has been taking my now 9 year old DD to Motzei Shabbos learning program in the winter for a couple of years now. He does mishnayos with her and DS 11, no reason she can’t go to shul Friday night with her father, make kiddush...)
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PinkFridge




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, May 29 2019, 3:45 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Totally! I love being a woman! I love going out and doing fun things...


What about your spirituality? Does she you prioritizing davening, even if it's the Reader's Digest version during child raising years? Do you go to any shiurim/listen to anyone/read anything of substance from time to time?

I just heard a great shiur on raising our daughters to be ovdos Hashem by Dr. Rivka Schwartz on YU Torah. Yes, she's coming from a different world than you but there's a lot of good food for thought.

You see, it's not just competing with the fun stuff (and your sons will envy her productions, the parties, etc.). It's the whole package you want to open up for her, to her.

ETA her title.


Last edited by PinkFridge on Thu, May 30 2019, 11:55 am; edited 1 time in total
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urban gypsy




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, May 29 2019, 4:29 pm
imorethanamother wrote:
When a girl complains about not having an upsherin, remind her of her recent birthday party. (If you never made one for her, maybe that's what's bothering her, and plan for the next year accordingly).


I would take her for a fancy haircut and buy her a beautiful big-girl headband.
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amother




Violet
 

Post Wed, May 29 2019, 5:56 pm
My daughters complain about the disparity as well. All the boys have a big deal made about their bar mitzvahs, and the girls school does not allow bas mitzva parties with friends.
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yksraya




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, May 29 2019, 6:57 pm
Interestingly, my boys are actually the ones complaining that DD gets so much off days and can go places, do fun stuff while they go to cheder.

Dd was never jealous of the boys milestones. I always celebrated her birthdays, and we had a special day just she and I when she turned 12. It was special in our own little way without the fanfare boys have.
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amother




Copper
 

Post Wed, May 29 2019, 6:59 pm
Reading this thread I'm realizing how amazing my father was in raising his daughters. I don't think it ever crossed my mind growing up that boys have it better than girls
Since I was young my father sat down and learned with me almost every night - first chumash and then kitzur shulchan aruch. I actually made a "siyum" for that on my bas mitzvah (it was a shalosh seudos for women in my neighborhood, very few friends). He also made me learn my bas mitzvah Parsha throuroughly and come up with an idea for a dvar torah.
He also took me to shul with him every Friday night from when I was 8 or so and stressed the beauty of davening with a minyan. Once older I also went to shul shabbos day and stayed in the entire davening including layning. When I heard about my cousins in Lakewood who went to a shul where there was not even a women's section I was so confused.
I also never realized that girls didn't "have to" sit in the sukkah. We were never allowed to even take a bite inside. When I got married and went to my In laws the first time I started crying when I was told I had to eat inside because there was no room for women in the sukkah. I'm sure there are lots of other examples but can't think of them right now...
I realize that communities are different and there are certain things that are and aren't acceptable, but I think there is a lot we can do as parents to try and avoid that our children have these feelings.
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hotzenplotz




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, May 30 2019, 6:03 am
Does her father like her?? Sometimes that is behind jealousy for boys.

or.....

I have a sister who is born with an unusual green eye. Life is hard for her, always figuring
out if someone has more than her. She struggles and struggles. it is an innate personality streak that is nature not nurture.
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