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When the boys have cheder and the girls are off..
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amother




Purple


Post  Tue, Jun 11 2019, 7:17 pm
It also doesn’t seem fair that the girls should t be allowed to do fun activities when they don’t have school, won’t they resent the boys?
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pause




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Jun 11 2019, 7:31 pm
What works for me is awareness. No rules such as "We don't do fun things without the boys." or "We can't work around the boys' schedule anyway (because they're always in cheder) and they're not suffering so who cares, we do what we want."

So sometimes we have family trips. Sometimes I take only the girls and guess what, sometimes I take only the boys. Sometimes boys go on a cheder trip and the girls' school trip is to a "nebby park." Sometimes I take one kid out for the day. And sometimes another kid gets me to read him/her a long bedtime story. I try not to go to an extreme either way.

And when they complain, I of course validate and then tell them what I always tell them when I hear the "It's not fair" complaint: It IS fair, not equal, but fair. Everyone gets what they need. That doesn't mean it'll be the same or equivalent to the other kids in the family. Sometimes you have a siyum in cheder with delicious nosh and you don't have to share with your sisters. And sometimes they have a pizza party and they don't share with you. And overall BH so far they've accepted it from me because they see that I don't go out of my way to make things equal but I also don't go all out on being uneven.
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zebra111




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Jun 12 2019, 3:38 am
pause wrote:
What works for me is awareness. No rules such as "We don't do fun things without the boys." or "We can't work around the boys' schedule anyway (because they're always in cheder) and they're not suffering so who cares, we do what we want."

So sometimes we have family trips. Sometimes I take only the girls and guess what, sometimes I take only the boys. Sometimes boys go on a cheder trip and the girls' school trip is to a "nebby park." Sometimes I take one kid out for the day. And sometimes another kid gets me to read him/her a long bedtime story. I try not to go to an extreme either way.

And when they complain, I of course validate and then tell them what I always tell them when I hear the "It's not fair" complaint: It IS fair, not equal, but fair. Everyone gets what they need. That doesn't mean it'll be the same or equivalent to the other kids in the family. Sometimes you have a siyum in cheder with delicious nosh and you don't have to share with your sisters. And sometimes they have a pizza party and they don't share with you. And overall BH so far they've accepted it from me because they see that I don't go out of my way to make things equal but I also don't go all out on being uneven.


I think u put that beautifully
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pause




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Jun 12 2019, 9:30 am
zebra111 wrote:
I think u put that beautifully

Thank you.
I believe this is a life lesson and that's my goal here. "Why does he have more money than me?" "It's not fair her husband helps more than mine." "We never go on vacation."

I want them to grow up with the security that they each have their needs met even while those needs are different, so one kid gets art lessons and another kid goes bike riding with Mommy and yet another kid gets a special delicious treat.

I b'davka don't believe in making things exactly even and equal for everyone. Firstly because I won't succeed anyway. Secondly, they'd be losing out on an important lesson. Thirdly, it breeds resentment, makes them always look over their backs to compare who has more than them...

But because they're children and it's a difficult concept for even adults to absorb, I keep an awareness of what I give when and to whom. I'm not looking to purposely be un-equal and make it hard for them, like giving the same kid the special treat and alone time with Mommy on the same week she's going on an exciting school trip.
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Ema of 4




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Jun 12 2019, 9:41 am
amother [ Purple ] wrote:
It also doesn’t seem fair that the girls should t be allowed to do fun activities when they don’t have school, won’t they resent the boys?

It’s not that they’re not allowed, it’s just a natural pet of life. There are plenty of fun things that they can do while he is in school, and they don’t even really notice.
Typically, most outings don’t start before 1:39/2:00 anyway in our house, and by then he is home anyway.
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