Is DD spoiled or justified?

amother

Wed, Jun 19 2019, 10:32 am

I have one 12 yr old daughter kh and my mother buys her beautiful Shabbos clothing. I have a whole pile of clothing she's grown out of that I would love to give to a less fortunate family (especially since we live out of town where Shabbos clothing is hard to get), but DD puts up such a fuss whenever I bring it up - I did it once before and she said it was so embarrassing for her that her friend's younger sister was wearing her clothing (we're a small community so everyone knows everyone) - all her friends kept asking her "is that your old clothing?". I tried validating her feelings and explaining to her what a z'chus it is to do such chessed, but she isn't going for it.

So now I'm going through this pile of clothing and getting ready to sell to a second-hand store, but it's such a shame to get rid of this gorgeous clothing when another family could really use it. Is my daughter being spoiled or should I take her feelings into consideration and just get rid of it?

Chayalle

Wed, Jun 19 2019, 10:38 am

It's hard to understand where her feelings are coming from. I would think it's more embarrassing for her friend's younger sister to be wearing her clothes, than for your DD to be giving them, so understanding the root of her feelings is needed here.

Perhaps some role playing of how she would respond to such comments would help? It truly would be a great Chessed to give her clothes to someone in need, rather than just dump it at a 2ndhand shop (where it could still end up with people she knows.)

amother

Rose

Wed, Jun 19 2019, 10:45 am

Not sure if it is a spoiled/selfish issue. It may be more of a modestly and embarrassed by riches issue. I am a great shopper and I have disposable income (and SIF). I pass my daughter's clothes and happy to see them worn, but hate, HATE, the what is only ment as hakarat Hatov. The thank you, look, she is wearing the dress, then to the kid- thank the mom, go to my daughter and show her and thank her. I feel embarrassed for having. And I know they are just being appreciative.

Speak to her and see why it bothers her. Is she selfish that no body else should have such a nice dress, a hoarder, or embarrassed (even if you tell the mom not to say anything-other kids will).
Can she understand the greater good? Can you send them to someone who goes to a different Shul?

Good luck

Chayalle

Wed, Jun 19 2019, 10:49 am

amother [ Rose ] wrote:

Another SIFer here (with not much disposable income, but I'm a good shopper and I do try to dress my daughter nicely.) I also pass on most of her clothes (whatever survives her, basically.). I have a certain relative who makes her daughter call me to thank me for the clothes. I wish she wouldn't do that. It's profoundly uncomfortable for both of us (her particularly) and a simple thank you is definitely sufficient.

So I would think it's about the comments. 12 is a sensitive age, social means EVERYTHING, and her friends saying things to her may make her very uncomfortable.

Another option would be donating the clothes to a different Jewish community, so you still get the mitzva but not the comments.

Though there's definitely a concept of Aniyei Ircha Kodmim.

amother

Wed, Jun 19 2019, 10:49 am

I'm not as mystified as most people are about her embarrassment. Living out of town - the clothing she wears is unique and everyone recognizes it. It feels special to her. Then to have someone else's nerdy (in her eyes) younger sister walking around wearing it and having everyone point that out - is embarrassing to her. I still think the chessed should outweigh that feeling, but I understand her.

amother

Chartreuse

Wed, Jun 19 2019, 10:51 am

amother [ Rose ] wrote:

Not sure if it is a spoiled/selfish issue. It may be more of a modestly and embarrassed by riches issue. ... I feel embarrassed for having. And I know they are just being appreciative.

Good luck

I b"H can afford to buy clothing but I find it challenging sometimes to shop for my girls especially living OOT. Online shopping is just not the same. I am thrilled to get hand me downs and personally would even pay for them but usually the people won't take the money. There's no reason to be embarrassed that you can afford. You aren't only saving them money but also time and agmas nefesh. You are a good shopper and seem to enjoy it. Not everyone is nor do they enjoy it...

Chayalle

Wed, Jun 19 2019, 10:52 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

so it's the association. She doesn't want that person to be wearing what she wore.

I would pass her clothes on to a different community, if possible.

amother

Rose

Wed, Jun 19 2019, 10:54 am

In response to the other imas who think the recipient is the one who should be the embarrassed one, not her, it is kind of like survivors guilty.
The younger girl (depending on the age) may took at the girl as a role model and are very excited to have her dress. Kind of like when little kids are so excited to have the same dress and be matching to someone else. Yet as an adult, I would not want to show up at a simcha wearing the same dress as someone else, regardless of who wore it better.

groovy1224

Wed, Jun 19 2019, 10:55 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I can't really say I understand that, but okay. Maybe a good compromise would be to have her pick one or two 'special' pieces that she wouldn't want to see on this other girl, and the rest can be given over. With gentle encouragement, she may just naturally mature and grow out of this feeling.

amother

Wed, Jun 19 2019, 11:02 am

Zehava wrote:

Why not send the clothes to Israel or a different community?

To those who suggested sending the clothing to a different community - honestly, I'm cleaning out my storage room and have so many things to get rid of - I just don't have time or energy to be making a major project out of this. Is there an easy way to get this clothing to a different community?

amother

Hotpink

Wed, Jun 19 2019, 11:14 am

I totally get your daughter. I hate seeing my stuff on someone else. I hate seeing DC's stuff on someone else. For me is that they don't value the stuff the same way. I found my kids' old clothes thrown on the floor of the dining room once. Another time a friend sold an expensive top I gave her.

animeme

Wed, Jun 19 2019, 11:30 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Where does your mother live? Can you send them back with her? Especially if the clothes are more common there, it would be a better fit and very appreciated.

ETA that it sounds like the clothes are a part of her identity in your town. I get how she's feeling.

amother

Ginger

Wed, Jun 19 2019, 11:32 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Drive to another town, then donate it to a thrift store there.