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Forum
-> Parenting our children
-> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
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amother
OP
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 Sun, Jun 23 2019, 12:41 pm
My best friend, an only child, recently got engaged for the first time. (The groom was previously married and has a young child who he shares custody with). She is 31 years old; very frum, pure, innocent. At the same time she is bright, multi-talented, loving with an excellent career. I got a frantic phone call from a mutual friend whose husband learned 10 years with the new chosson in kollel. He referred to him as a "crackpot, nut job, spent extensive time viewing inappropriate material and communicating digitally (maybe more) with at least one woman, and spent some town in an out-of-town rehab." The kollel members were astounded that no one had called any of them for information. They wanted to know what was wrong with the girl! The rosh yeshiva got a call but, not being privy to much, all he divulged was that there may have been one isolated incident.
The bride did do inquiries, but knowing her as I do, she would not have gone ahead taking into consideration all the above . She is elated. And I am super concerned.
I havent breathed a word to her.
I dont know why I had to be told this info and what to do with it.
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behappy2
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Sun, Jun 23 2019, 12:48 pm
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Can you call a Rav? This is what they are here For.
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amother
Lime
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Sun, Jun 23 2019, 12:49 pm
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This is a very serious shaila and requires asking a Rabbi for advice...
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amother
OP
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Sun, Jun 23 2019, 12:52 pm
My husband called a rav and was told to find out what she knows.
We called the shadchan and she said the bride's family had spoken with the rosh yeshiva.
How do I find out what she knows.
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amother
Copper
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Sun, Jun 23 2019, 12:57 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | My husband called a rav and was told to find out what she knows.
We called the shadchan and she said the bride's family had spoken with the rosh yeshiva.
How do I find out what she knows. |
Call the Rosh Yeshiva.
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amother
Crimson
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Sun, Jun 23 2019, 1:30 pm
She absolutely must be informed by someone if this actually took place. I can't fathom withholding the information altogether.
Definitely call the RY as a first step. Find out exactly what she was told. And then call your rav back and ask how to proceed.
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Kiwi13
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Sun, Jun 23 2019, 1:49 pm
“Crackpot, nutjob?!” What a HORRIBLE way to refer to anyone! If this is the approach of a mutual “friend” who “cares,” then they have NO business telling anything “l’toeles,” because that is NOT a productive way to talk about a person. If someone has a problem and willingly gets help for it and has a plan to keep healthy, kudos to him. Yes, if it’s true then it should be dealt with and the couple needs to be fully on board with the whole situation together, and broaching that subject during an engagement needs guidance from someone more knowledgeable than internet strangers.
But that said, nobody in that kollel ought to be surprised that they weren’t called for information if that’s how they talk about another person! Absolutely awful!
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amother
Copper
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Sun, Jun 23 2019, 2:12 pm
| Kiwi13 wrote: | “Crackpot, nutjob?!” What a HORRIBLE way to refer to anyone! If this is the approach of a mutual “friend” who “cares,” then they have NO business telling anything “l’toeles,” because that is NOT a productive way to talk about a person. If someone has a problem and willingly gets help for it and has a plan to keep healthy, kudos to him. Yes, if it’s true then it should be dealt with and the couple needs to be fully on board with the whole situation together, and broaching that subject during an engagement needs guidance from someone more knowledgeable than internet strangers.
But that said, nobody in that kollel ought to be surprised that they weren’t called for information if that’s how they talk about another person! Absolutely awful! |
Who cares how they talk about people here. The information is the important thing. The question is what does OP's friend know.
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Kiwi13
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Sun, Jun 23 2019, 2:16 pm
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It matters because if a message is delivered in an unnecessarily nasty way, it can skew how it is received. It might also be exaggerated.
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amother
Hotpink
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Sun, Jun 23 2019, 2:19 pm
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OP, how do you know your friend doesn't know about this??
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amother
Copper
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Sun, Jun 23 2019, 2:32 pm
| Kiwi13 wrote: | | It matters because if a message is delivered in an unnecessarily nasty way, it can skew how it is received. It might also be exaggerated. |
You got to be kidding me? You don't want relevant information because it was not told in a PC way. OP is beyond that at this point. The rav wants to know what the bride knows not how PC she was told.
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Kiwi13
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Sun, Jun 23 2019, 2:43 pm
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Copper, of course she needs the info. But when it comes to sensitive information like this, you need to be careful who you’re getting it from. Someone using blanket insults to describe someone, is showing that they don’t like him and are eager to break off the match. Yes, the information needs to get through, and it’s not a matter of “PC” or not. It’s a matter of truthfulness, and someone who is inclined to describe a person in such nasty terms might have a personal grudge against him or might in some other way not be seeing the situation objectively. It’s a situation where you need to tread carefully.
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amother
OP
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Sun, Jun 23 2019, 2:50 pm
| amother [ Hotpink ] wrote: | | OP, how do you know your friend doesn't know about this?? |
I dont know but I highly doubt it from my conversations with her and from how sensitive she is about all things holy.
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amother
Copper
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Sun, Jun 23 2019, 3:00 pm
| Kiwi13 wrote: | | Copper, of course she needs the info. But when it comes to sensitive information like this, you need to be careful who you’re getting it from. Someone using blanket insults to describe someone, is showing that they don’t like him and are eager to break off the match. Yes, the information needs to get through, and it’s not a matter of “PC” or not. It’s a matter of truthfulness, and someone who is inclined to describe a person in such nasty terms might have a personal grudge against him or might in some other way not be seeing the situation objectively. It’s a situation where you need to tread carefully. |
Or this might possibly be the way the person talks. I don't believe in PC nonsense, but I am 100% truthful. I won't say someone did time in a nuthouse unless they spent time in a psyche ward. Mental health faculty or nuthouse - the information needs to be investigated.
You can't discount info because you don't like the way someone says something. Anyway, I think it might be more productive to speak to people who don't like the person you are asking about because you may glimpes of facets of their personality you wouldn't get otherwise.
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amother
Blue
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Sun, Jun 23 2019, 5:29 pm
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Best friend? Then there is only one thing to do. Relay the information. Save her. But how? Call a chacham and ask for wise advice in how to let her know. Do not let her destroy her life.
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Optione
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Sun, Jun 23 2019, 5:29 pm
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Regardless of word choice, rehab requires very detailed investigation and thorough examination. Like pp said, speak to Rosh haYeshiva, then call back the Rav.
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amother
Bronze
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Sun, Jun 23 2019, 9:10 pm
You ask the bride if she knows everything about his past, especially the years xxxx through xxxx. Then stand back, and let her do what she needs to do.
For all you know, this pure, innocent 31 year old is in recovery herself and is happy to have found someone who understands her struggles.
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amother
Burlywood
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Sun, Jun 23 2019, 9:53 pm
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Op, did you change some of the real details? Because I know of a similar story
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ShishKabob
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Mon, Jun 24 2019, 8:58 am
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OP, this is not a matter of being nice. Lo Saamod Al Dam Reyecha! If you are a true friend you will call this girl and follow daas torahs instructions. How would you feel if a few months after she gets married it all blows up in her face due to lack of knowledge before hand, which you may be responsible for. This is not a laughing matter. Bhatzlocha
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amother
OP
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Tue, Jun 25 2019, 4:49 am
| amother [ Burlywood ] wrote: | | Op, did you change some of the real details? Because I know of a similar story |
How was it handled in your case?
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