Conspicuous Consumption

Notsobusy

Mon, Jun 24 2019, 6:00 am

There was an article in one of the frum magazines a couple weeks ago, saying exactly what op is saying. It was a mother complaining that she and so many other people have to go into debt in order to buy all the "stuff" their kids need for camp. It bothered me so much, what she should have said is "it's crazy and therefor I don't do it" instead she said "it's crazy but I don't have a choice if I want my dd to have friends". I couldn't believe they published something like that. It just validates people like op who think they really don't have a choice in the matter.

We need people to stand up and say the truth "we do have a choice, it's not true that your kids won't have friends if you don't buy whatever they ask for" and "your kids will be much healthier adults if you train them properly now".

Chayalle

Mon, Jun 24 2019, 6:12 am

southernbubby wrote:

A super confident leader type girl could make thrift stores the cool place to shop but that usually doesn't happen. Wouldn't it be grand if the competition was for who could sew her own wardrobe rather than who had the richest Daddy? When I was growing up, the derogatory term JAP was applied to wealthy Jewish girls who could manipulate their fathers into buying them fancy cars, clothes, vacations, hair styling and psychiatrists.

You can always "fake it till you make it" and buy fake versions of the brands that are in style.

You can try sites like Thread Up where the cool brands are sold second hand. In some communities there are consignment stores for teens called Pluto's Closet where you might find a pricy brand for less.
As kids are growing up, it may be a good idea to keep emphasizing that all that glitters is not gold.

In fact, when I was in high school, it was cool to sew your own clothes. A number of my more talented classmates did so.

And I remember a certain classmate of mine who hid the fact that her father bought her a fancy car as a graduation present. She was so embarrassed.

Ah for the good old days.....

amother

Azure

Mon, Jun 24 2019, 6:19 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Some people are lucky and are naturally charismatic.

I agree with OP.

People don't like to hear this, but the fact is that someone who is charismatic will have friends regardless of their externals. Those who don't, will sometimes be ignored unless they dress nicely etc.

Chayalle

Mon, Jun 24 2019, 7:00 am

amother [ Azure ] wrote:

Those who don't are what we refer to as wannabes...they try so hard but sometimes it doesn't help. Because externals don't make a person.

I think everyone should dress "nicely" because we are a tzelem elokim. But I don't think that's what the OP is talking about. I think she means going beyond just nicely. And that's where I disagree. I don't think it will get the wearer what they are really looking for.

We need to build up our children from the inside, because without confidence, they will never be full. Just loading on the designer items and accessories doesn't do it at all.

allthingsblue

Mon, Jun 24 2019, 7:03 am

Chayalle wrote:

Perhaps I am misunderstanding but it seems you are saying that those who don't have a charismatic personality are wannabes....
I disagree! And I find that offensive. I was born without a charismatic personality, I was born with a quieter, more introspective nature.... and Therefore that makes me a wannabe? Ouch!

Chayalle

Mon, Jun 24 2019, 7:06 am

allthingsblue wrote:

Not at all (!) and if it came across that way I'm glad you pointed it out.

I'm saying that those who load on externals because of lack of confidence are wannabes.

Totally different.

allthingsblue

Mon, Jun 24 2019, 7:16 am

Chayalle wrote:

Not at all (!) and if it came across that way I'm glad you pointed it out.

I'm saying that those who load on externals because of lack of confidence are wannabes.

Totally different.

Yes that is very different, thanks for clarifying.

Iymnok

Mon, Jun 24 2019, 7:28 am

When I’m buying my child a pair of shoes, I try to make sure it’s in the style that others are wearing. When buying school supplies, I try to get a couple nicer items. Enough to make them feel special and not an outcast, but not buying with the trends either.

SixOfWands

Mon, Jun 24 2019, 10:19 am

southernbubby wrote:

GLISTERS. Not "glitters."

Sorry. Some things grate on me.

keym

Mon, Jun 24 2019, 10:22 am

marina wrote:

Last year I gave my teens a visa card with their clothing budget for the year. Anything else, you have work & earn- babysitting pet sitting work in ice cream store etc. it helped a bit.

I've heard this idea but isn't it just "kicking the can down the road" so to speak. There's still debate as to how much is "normal" to spend, etc. It just gives your teen more control over what to spend.

imorethanamother

Mon, Jun 24 2019, 4:24 pm

OP, as you said, we aren't talking about choices here. And if we aren't, then your job is to make your child as confident as possible. It's about training. I'm not saying it's easy, but as you said, we have no choice and this is the only option.

Stress to your child that other children may NEED this particular item, but they are beautiful/good at sports/confident/smart/fun/amazing without it. Sad for them, lucky for him/her!

If you child insists on focusing on what they don't have, deploy all the positivity exercises so many of Imamothers use, like making Gratitude Lists, saying thank you, and looking what they have that others don't.

I know it seems very real, but in action, most teens/kids do not discriminate based on money in a school or camp setting. After school and camp, perhaps, some kids can afford to go to expensive places and some can't, and some are in certain schools and camps altogether. I've seen girls who don't have anything the other girls have toss their hair, smile, and shake off anyone who asks why they don't. They're popular anyway. Remind your child of this.

And finally, encourage your child to be friends with normal, real people. So what if the popular kids are the spoiled, rich ones? That's not who you want your kids with anyway. The ones who work during their summers, the ones who find altruistic projects and are givers, those are the people you want with your child. Sit down and work through the class to find out who they are, and set out to befriend them.

DVOM

Tue, Jun 25 2019, 4:05 am

This post has me thinking. I'd like my goofier, less cool and with-it kid to find acceptance from his peers. To this end, I do try to get him the 'stuff' that's in. I know it doesn't help. He'll get comments like 'cool sneakers' once or twice, but the truth is, he isn't 'cool,' and having the right stuff won't magically make him popular. He loves reading and writing cartoons with his similarly brainy and goofy friends starring themselves saving the world. I wish I had half the confidence he displays, going off to school each day happy to be his own uncool self.

I know what your trying to do OP, but it's not going to work. As another mom of a less-cool kid, I have empathy for you. I've learned (and I'm still learning) that acceptance of my kid for who he is is the key to happiness for him and for me.

allthingsblue

Tue, Jun 25 2019, 4:35 am

DVOM wrote:

Perfection!