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Were you spoiled as a child?
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sushilover




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jun 27 2019, 3:41 pm
Were you spoiled as a child and did that impact you negatively?

I'm really curious because we have so many threads of women who suffered in some way because of neglect, poverty, or something their parents failed to give or do for them.
I'm wondering if it's ever the other way around. Did you suffer because you were overindulged? Did it negatively impact your life because you were given too many material things or even an overabundance of adoration and attention?

I know I shouldn't spoil my children, but I honestly don't know anyone who would say they suffered because their parents gave them too much or allowed them too much freedom.
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chanatron1000




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jun 27 2019, 3:46 pm
Most people who are "spoiled" are actually spoiled from (emotional) neglect, not from overindulgence. It happens when parents give their children material things instead of love.

Last edited by chanatron1000 on Thu, Jun 27 2019, 3:52 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother




Ruby


Post  Thu, Jun 27 2019, 3:50 pm
I think you can definitely harm your children by giving them too much. There are plenty of people walking around who feel entitled, and they are then let down when life doesn't work out exactly as they'd like. The question is - what is giving your child too much?

I personally grew up with parents who were very comfortable financially. I didn't realize as a child how much more we had than others. My parents provided for all my of needs and many of my wants, but they would not give me everything I wanted, b'shita. I got a weekly allowance and they required me to save at least a portion of it, to learn the value of money. While I received many presents and extras at times, often I was told that if I wanted something extra (toy, game, etc.), I had to use my own money. This was either my allowance money or money I earned on my own. I never felt like I had things coming to me.

By all means, give your kids plenty. Make them happy. Give them positive experiences. But don't give in to their every whim, so they learn that they won't always get everything they desire.
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amother




Rose


Post  Thu, Jun 27 2019, 3:51 pm
I don’t think spoiled and neglected are opposites. In fact spoiling is a form of neglect. There’s also all kinds of neglects and abuse and many different ways of spoiling.
To answer your question. I was severely abused As a child emotionally and physically yet spoiled too.
We were starved for hours and had to be creative to find ways to just take a drink of water yet so spoiled. We always had the latest gadgets. Never lifted a finger to do household chores....
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amother




Wine


Post  Thu, Jun 27 2019, 3:57 pm
I had almost everything but was never spoiled. I used to give away my toys, clothing, etc. and my parents always modeled gracious, responsible behavior.
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sushilover




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jun 27 2019, 4:32 pm
chanatron1000 wrote:
Most people who are "spoiled" are actually spoiled from (emotional) neglect, not from overindulgence. It happens when parents give their children material things instead of love.


Interesting point.
Are you saying that spoiling is OK as long as it's done from a place of love and not from neglect?
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amother




Orange


Post  Thu, Jun 27 2019, 4:48 pm
A lot has to do with the emotional tone of the giving. I grew up in a well to do family and always had everything I needed and many extras most of my friends only dreamed of. I was often reminded how “spoiled” I was and it made me feel very guilty and bad. I was ashamed of my nice things similar to the way I imagine other kids are ashamed of not so nice things. If I couldn’t actively share it with my friends then I didn’t want them to know I had it. I never felt like I deserved anything good. I had a real complex. Whenever I felt unloved or expressed worries of if I was loved I was angrily reminded of all the nice things I had and all the vacations and trips and special opportunities I was given as proof of being loved. I was made to feel stupid and ungrateful for even asking and I mean even as a little kid, not a moody teen. I felt emotionally all alone and sad and scared and guilty for my whole childhood. I wasn’t given everything I ever wanted and in fact I was usually too embarrassed to ask for expensive things I wanted but didn’t need. I don’t think I was spoiled. I think spoiled comes from an attitude of entitlement and has more to do with the parent child dynamics than the actual giving of material items. The happy ending so far is that as an adult I live modestly within much lower means and feel richer than I ever did as a child.
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giselle




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jun 27 2019, 5:02 pm
My father says it’s better to “spoil” kids, and he regrets coming to that conclusion only when the younger kids came around. That doesn’t mean giving a child everything s/he wants, but so many times children are told no for almost no reason, or there are unnecessary power struggles. I feel like my younger brother and I were raised by completely different parents.
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amother




Black


Post  Thu, Jun 27 2019, 5:03 pm
Dh was and it affected him negatively.

He is entitled, can't understand the lives of certain people, and he's not motivated.
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chanatron1000




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jun 27 2019, 5:42 pm
sushilover wrote:
Interesting point.
Are you saying that spoiling is OK as long as it's done from a place of love and not from neglect?

Yes, to a certain extent. Children shouldn't be given everything they ask for, and they should be given chores around the house, but other than that, it is very hard to spoil a child out of love.
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Metukah




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jun 27 2019, 6:16 pm
sushilover wrote:
... I honestly don't know anyone who would say they suffered because their parents gave them too much or allowed them too much freedom.


They might not be complaining, but it's more than likely that those around them are. (spouse, children, colleagues etc..)
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SuperWify




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jun 27 2019, 6:20 pm
My DH. Yes he was neglected emotionally 😐
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SuperWify




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jun 27 2019, 6:21 pm
amother [ Black ] wrote:
Dh was and it affected him negatively.

He is entitled, can't understand the lives of certain people, and he's not motivated.


My DH siblings are all like this.

It’s terrible.
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ra_mom




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jun 27 2019, 6:22 pm
I was not spoiled in any way.
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amother




Olive


Post  Thu, Jun 27 2019, 6:26 pm
I don’t really remember wanting something badly as a child and not getting it but I don’t think I’m spoiled at all. It’s hard to explain. I also think of part of it is nature and by nature I am not so into material things. I am also one of 5 children so I had to share a lot and that came pretty easily to me. I don’t think my parents gave me the best financial education, but my husband is great with $ and has taught me a lot. Some of my siblings could use some help with budgeting etc but I don’t think any of us are “ spoiled” or “ entitled.”
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ectomorph




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jun 27 2019, 6:28 pm
I was not spoiled at all.
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amother




Black


Post  Thu, Jun 27 2019, 6:52 pm
Metukah wrote:
They might not be complaining, but it's more than likely that those around them are. (spouse, children, colleagues etc..)


THIS

(I am the spouse of one)
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amother




Natural


Post  Thu, Jun 27 2019, 6:56 pm
sushilover wrote:
Were you spoiled as a child and did that impact you negatively?

I'm really curious because we have so many threads of women who suffered in some way because of neglect, poverty, or something their parents failed to give or do for them.
I'm wondering if it's ever the other way around. Did you suffer because you were overindulged? Did it negatively impact your life because you were given too many material things or even an overabundance of adoration and attention?

I know I shouldn't spoil my children, but I honestly don't know anyone who would say they suffered because their parents gave them too much or allowed them too much freedom.


I was neglected AND spoiled.
My parents never spent time with me, were always stressed and working and not home. But they spoiled me with fancy clothing, elaborate presents, full time housekeeper, going out to eat, trips around the world, etc.
But I wanted love.

As a married adult my parents gave me their credit card.
I believed I was incapable of working because I was dumb.
I believed it was below my dignity to work because I never had to.
I had no clue if 5 dollars for a pepper was expensive or normal, or if 500$ for a sweater was expensive or normal.
And now as an adult I think Things are love.
And I am super entitled because I think I deserve to be pampered because if I am imporant someone should love me, and that means buying me things.
When I have a hard day, what do I do--buy clothes, even if it's not in the budget.
When I'm bored, what do I do? Buy groceries--even if we don't need them.
Money is more than a tool to buy things, it is comfirmation that I exist and have power and can be seen.
Because that's all I ever wanted, to be seen, to be important, for my parents to look me in the eyes and ask me about my day.

Yep, in therapy.
Yep, know this isn't healthy.
Hopefully starting my first job soon at age 30.
I've come a long way and have a long way to go.
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sushilover




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jun 27 2019, 7:22 pm
Metukah wrote:
They might not be complaining, but it's more than likely that those around them are. (spouse, children, colleagues etc..)


Very good point.
It's hard to objectively see yourself as spoiled, incompetent, or selfish because your parents overindulged you, but I guess other people will see it.
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sushilover




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jun 27 2019, 7:29 pm
amother [ Natural ] wrote:
I was neglected AND spoiled.
My parents never spent time with me, were always stressed and working and not home. But they spoiled me with fancy clothing, elaborate presents, full time housekeeper, going out to eat, trips around the world, etc.
But I wanted love.

As a married adult my parents gave me their credit card.
I believed I was incapable of working because I was dumb.
I believed it was below my dignity to work because I never had to.
I had no clue if 5 dollars for a pepper was expensive or normal, or if 500$ for a sweater was expensive or normal.
And now as an adult I think Things are love.
And I am super entitled because I think I deserve to be pampered because if I am imporant someone should love me, and that means buying me things.
When I have a hard day, what do I do--buy clothes, even if it's not in the budget.
When I'm bored, what do I do? Buy groceries--even if we don't need them.
Money is more than a tool to buy things, it is comfirmation that I exist and have power and can be seen.
Because that's all I ever wanted, to be seen, to be important, for my parents to look me in the eyes and ask me about my day.

Yep, in therapy.
Yep, know this isn't healthy.
Hopefully starting my first job soon at age 30.
I've come a long way and have a long way to go.


Wow. You are uniquely self-aware. That's very impressive.

Thank you for your answer. I've been doubting myself as a parent lately because I grew up with very little and it's a struggle not to spoil my kids and give them everything I never had. Your post is an important reminder that I wouldn't be doing them any favors by just showering them with all the things I dreamed of as a child.
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