My son asked me not to tell my husband.

cinnamon

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 11:54 am

Something embaressing happened to my ten year old in school. He asked me not to tell anyone "not even Aba"
At first I told him that I don't hide things from Aba but he really didn't want me to tell so I said okay.

It feels wierd to 'hide' this from dh and I'm wondering if agreeing to keep this secret was the right thing to do.

amother

Lilac

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 11:57 am

Did you ask your son why he doesn't want you to tell DH? If it's not important for DH to know at the moment, don't mention it right away. Wait a while till your son starts forgetting about it and then you may mention it to DH. But DH should never mention it to your son, he has to know he can trust his parents.

amother

Linen

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 11:58 am

keep the secret. the fact that he shared with you is amazing. don't break the trust.

you can mention that abba will care so much to know and champion you, if that is the relationship they have.

teach him what trust means. respect him. as long as its not something abusive or dangerous.

notshanarishona

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 11:59 am

Then I wouldn't tell him . In general I wouldnt keep secrets because I don't think it's a good chinuch message but you want your son to trust you and confide in you again so I would do as he asked . If it was something your son did that you needed your husband's input to decide how to deal with them I would say I have to tell.

trixx

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 12:00 pm

If it's no big deal, don't tell dh or son will never trust you again. You can also explain to son that you and dh are a team and it feels funny to keep a secret from him so although you want to respect son privacy maybe he could tell dh himself, or wait a little and allow you to tell dh, just present him with the dilemma.

Amarante

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 12:09 pm

It is a dilemma and of course depends on the secret.

Just putting out for discussion but I am wondering if the dynamic would change if the genders were reversed - e.g. is it more the norm for father and sons/mothers and daughters to share secrets?

ETA - I mean to clarify that there are certain discussions between genders which are assumed are not necessarily discussed with the parent of the opposite gender. I honestly have no idea whether my mother discussed my period with my father - I would never have asked him to get me anything relating to those kinds of needs for example.

amother

Plum

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 12:21 pm

cinnamon wrote:

I'm sure you don't report to dh every detail about what the kids told you happened with their days - not because you are hiding things, rather its just not all that interesting to repeat.

its okay to be your kids 'confidant' - on stuff like this.. doesn't sound like this is something that requires anything more than empathy.

Ema of 5

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 12:56 pm

cinnamon wrote:

Its not important for him to know except to offer my son support like I did.

Have you asked him why he doesn’t want you to tell, or if he wants your husbands support? It seems as though your support is enough, so barring something dangerous or whatever, I would keep the secret. It’s good to let him know that he can trust you. You will most likely have bigger issues if he finds out that you told your husband after saying you wouldn’t.
My daughter had her first session with a therapist last week. They were discussing privacy and discussing things with other people. I told my daughter that she could tell things to the therapist, and she wouldn’t tell me, unless it’s something dangerous or that I otherwise need to know. The therapist chimes in that, if she ever DID need to tell me something, she would tell my daughter first, that’s she was going to tell me.
Having a safe place to turn is really important for a child. I have lots of conversations with my kids that I don’t repeat to my husband, because they have no meaning to him. When I had a relations talk with my daughter, I told him after. I don’t think I told him we had a discussion about women and the Mikva. It’s not pertinent info for him. I’m not hiding things from him, and anything important, I will generally share with him privately, and my children know that. If my children would ever tell me “don’t tell daddy” I would get to the root of why not.

ShishKabob

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 1:46 pm

This happens very often in a family. Sometimes a child can be more embarrassed of a parent for different reasons, doesn't have to be a who knows what reason.
I had this with my son. He asked me not to tell dh and I was debating about it. In the end I didn't say anything and guess what? Two weeks later this 'top' secret was announced at a family seudah where all of the kids plus dh were at. The top secret was out of the bag without anything repeated from my part.
Maybe this son felt more comfortable about it at the later point, but when it happened it was top secret.
go figure.

amother

Gold

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 2:15 pm

When I was a teenager I showed my mother a poem I wrote. I asked her not to show my father. The reason was because, in the poem, I expressed my feelings. The poem felt personal. I had a very bad relationship with my father at the time and did not trust him.

She did show him the poem, and I was mortified and felt very invaded. When I asked her why, she said she thought it was good and he would be proud of my work.

I would be concerned what the reason is your ds doesn't want to tell your dh.

amother

Plum

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 2:32 pm

amother [ Gold ] wrote:

I wouldn't be concerned. When embarrassing things happen, the natural reaction is we don't want people to know - especially people who we want to think highly of us - like our parents.

This sounds like a 'one-off' embarrassing thing - not a chronic issue that needs two parents to step in.

amother

Tangerine

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 2:36 pm

Keep the secret. It's important for kids to have open communication and trust with you. My big kids come and tell me things they would be embarrassed to tell DH.

A few time I told them they must tell Totty because it will be worse hearing it from someone else.

I slip them money, and I manage their credit cards without expressly discussing going over their spending limits with DH. DH has his own relationship buying, insuring, and maintaining their cars. He gives them gas cards, car wash cards, and EZ pass. He buys all accessories for the cars. I often don't know what is going on with the vehicles.

It's ok for each parent to have their special relationship with each child.

I could never confide in my parents or ask them for guidance.

amother

Pink

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 3:09 pm

My 7 year old had a bathroom accident in a public place. She was embarrassed. I told her that no one noticed and unless she tells anyone, no one else will know. I told her that I won't even tell her dad, so unless she shares, it's a real secret.

This really helped me dd calm down.

amother

Olive

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 6:02 pm

cinnamon wrote:

No it wasn’t the right thing. He’s just as much a parent as you are. How would u like if dh kept secrets from u?