Does Parenting Ever Get Rewarding? Att Experienced Moms

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amother

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 11:58 am

I'm gonna keep it short and to the point. My adorable lil cuties are turning into tweens and I'm going through a dry spell in parenting. Maybe I'm overthinking things but finding parenting to be very disheartening.

Will the time love and attention ever pay off?Im so disappointed to see that parenting is more of a struggle than enjoyable.

After all ive done for my kids will they still come back to point fingers and blame me?

Is it just a matter of time before they grow up and recognize the amazing childhood theyve had and be grateful instead of resentful all the time?

amother

Olive

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 12:07 pm

Yes, it is just a matter of time. Young adults need to separate from their parents, and the process can be ugly. But someday, you'll catch those kids using an expression of yours as they speak to their own children, and you'll know how much they value you. Also, believe it or not, someday they will thank you for everything you did.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 12:10 pm

Does it help if I tell you that they are totally normal? DD just turned 16, and she's finally starting to resemble a functioning human being again.

Remember when your kids were going through the Terrible Twos. It's exactly the same, but this time they can yell louder. They still need the same amount of patience and love, though.

Remind yourself that the emotional part of their brains are growing at a much faster rate than the logical part. This is why they make stupid decisions, and "don't think first." They literally CAN'T. It doesn't mean you're a bad mom, or that they are bad kids. It's nobody's fault that they are acting like teenagers, it's just another type of growth spurt.

They need you just as much, or even more, than ever. The thing is, they don't know it. Just be there for them, and keep venting to people who will get it. This too shall pass!

mommish613

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 12:12 pm

I agree with amother olive. Parenting teens can be...hard and unfulfilling. Even downright depressing. The hardest part is to let go a little bit and let them fly their wings.

As an adult I am forever grateful to my mother for her amazing love growing up- somehow the teen years are a little foggy. I think my brain chose to remember my childhood as a whole.

Keep loving, keep complimenting and building them up- but give them the space they need to fly.

amother

Ecru

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 12:16 pm

I don't know that anyone can you a definitive answer. I mean life is all about the ambiguity, isn't it? And most of my kids are still young, in elementary school. But my oldest is in high school. And he is turning out to be SUCH a delightful young man. He was in therapy for about a year in elementary school and was an extremely difficult child. He was a colicky baby, a picky eater, sensitive to sensory things, average in school, struggled with friendships, was bullied, was anxious...

But now he is a wonderful young man. He is able to set goals and achieve them. He works hard. He is kind and respectful to others. He is helpful, cheerful, affectionate, notices other's discomfort, and interested in the world around him. He has a great sense of humor and a strong sense of justice. He has matured so much this year in how he is able to progress out of the black/white view and understand how to respect others who show conflicting sides. He can accept the humanity of people being both good and bad without being bitter. He's just a really great kid and I'm so proud of him.

He will never win any prizes in school. I know people in my town look at him, and look at his yeshiva and look down. But I know the truth. I have been blessed. He is "tops" to me.

And for a while there, I never would have believed it could be. Hang in there!

Aylat

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 12:19 pm

amother [ Olive ] wrote:

This happened to me already. Before Pesach DS11 was doing a job in the kitchen and his 9 yo brother was chilling out nearby.
DS11: "DS9 come here! You are also part of this family and you also have to help get ready for Pesach. Stop reading and come and help me clean this cupboard!!"

OP, I'm only a small stage ahead of you - I have one teen and 2 tweens. I say parenting my teen is like answering multiple choice questions where all the options are wrong. But there are rewarding aspects. At parents' evening my eyes nearly fell out of my head when my daughter's teacher told me that my daughter quotes me in class discussions. What?? At home her most common phrase is "you don't understand!". You mean she actually listens to things I say and they have an impact on her?

Good luck from another mother in the trenches Wink

amother

Fuchsia

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 12:30 pm

amother [ Ecru ] wrote:

This is so heartening, because my 10-year-old sounds a lot like your son (except for the colic and pickiness). How did you get to this point? Was it just maturity and time (and mazel) or therapy, or a combination?

As for your kids echoing you, yesterday my 5-year-old told her (older) brother to "take those things out of your ears" when she was trying to tell him something and he was listening to music LOL

We all cracked up because that's a common refrain in our house these days!

amother

Ecru

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 12:41 pm

This is so heartening, because my 10-year-old sounds a lot like your son (except for the colic and pickiness). How did you get to this point? Was it just maturity and time (and mazel) or therapy, or a combination? //

This will sound so corny I almost hesitate to write. I think it was love.

My husband and I were in therapy too. We met with our child's therapist regularly and it gave us a place to vent and also to better understand our child. It also gave us a place to discuss serious decisions with an outside person who knew him well.

But I think the biggest thing we learned in therapy was to stop focusing on what he wasn't and to concentrate on what he was. We learned to appreciate our child instead of only trying to change him. We left the change part to the therapist and he did learn good strategies. But mostly it was learning what it really means to love. To define for ourselves what success means. To define what we value regardless of communal norms. To champion the best that is in our child and see his strengths. To love him because he is ours. And now I'm all teary eyed!