DH spending $ and we very tight

amother

Fri, Jul 12 2019, 9:51 am

I'm at my witts end, over the last few months dh has been shopping a ton online for clothing for himself, he claims that he returns half the stuff, and he does return a bunch of things often, however EVERY day he has about 2 boxes arriving. This month we don't have enough money to finish the month, meaning either we gonna pay rent or pay the credit card bills. I'm beside myself with frury over how he's non stop shopping and I'm being so careful not to spend on anything extra. When I tell him this he says, I'm returning a bunch of the stuff anyways... now hear me out, he's buying things that are not at all neccesaties, like cool sneakers, cool denim jackets... I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I'm so so frustrated and feel like I'm dealing with a baby! We have 3 kids to feed and send to school, who spends money on these dumb things?! I'm currently wearing only clothing from Amazon! We are not in a place to be buying extras. I've never had such a ridiculous situation and I'm wondering if something is wrong with him. In general we bH have wonderful shalom bayis and communicate well. But I have no idea what got into him now.

amother

Cyan

Fri, Jul 12 2019, 10:20 am

Has he always been like this? Does he know your financial situation? (Not in a general way, but actually being able to list income and expenses.) How much does he earn? Does he shop out of anxiety? Is he a hoarder?

I think you should ask him to return everything for now and agree on his shopping budget for next month.

There might be a larger issue (or issues) at work here.

amother

Azure

Fri, Jul 12 2019, 10:22 am

Have you ever say down together to make a real budget? Step one is to look at your spending in each category over the last several months. Step two is to decide on a strict budget for each category going forward. This should include a monthly clothing budget that's realistic for each of you. Step back completely for the first couple of months and give him space to figure out how he wants to spend his portion of the budget. Don't comment at all on his choices. Then sit down together and see how the budget had been working for those couple of months. If one or both of you has been going over budget consistently, consider getting some outside help.

Some people don't really "get" budgeting without numbers and figures in front of them.

amother

Papaya

Fri, Jul 12 2019, 10:34 am

What does he say when you ask him, so dh, should we pay the rent or the credit card bill?
Is he completely aware that even if he is legitimately returning half the stuff that at the moment you can't afford the other half that he's keeping?

amother

Fri, Jul 12 2019, 10:38 am

amother [ Cyan ] wrote:

He is in the middle of changing careers (he's still working at his current job but in a month will start the new one) so he claims he needs to dress differently for his new job. In the beginning I turned the other way but now I'm really losing it.
He's the one that makes the money, and I pay the bills, manage the finances... like he comes home with the check and I take care of the rest...

amother

Fri, Jul 12 2019, 10:40 am

amother [ Papaya ] wrote:

Last night I was like yelling that we don't have enough to finish the month and HD answered we'll take from savings. And I responded that savings is for real emergencies, not for clothing shopping

amother

Khaki

Fri, Jul 12 2019, 10:42 am

Has he been doing the budget all this time or have you been in charge of finances???

Some men are not good at budgeting in which case I think you need to manage the finances. Its not ok for him to buy himself these nonessentials when bills and expenses have not been paid. Ppl may say im wrong for taking a strict approach here, but clearly, he is not budgeting, so obviously, you need to be in charge of the finances. He is acting like a baby bec hes being irresponsible and spending on nonsense while leaving you with no money to pay for essentials. That is not acceptable. But, does he work? Do you work? Who did the budget until now?? Some details are missing bec this behavior doesnt usually happen overnight.

amother

Yellow

Fri, Jul 12 2019, 10:48 am

Maybe he has a point that he needs new clothes for his job? Certain careers do demand a certain look and it's part of your work expenses. If this isn't a routine thing for him maybe it's a legitimate expense right now and it even makes sense to take from savings. I used to not pay attention to my appearance at all until I realized how it was affecting me professionally, and now I do make an effort to dress decently (not fancy, just looking professional and put together at all times).

amother

Salmon

Fri, Jul 12 2019, 10:58 am

If he is changing his look, it's not great to get all brand new clothes. He won't look authentic. He can come across as trying too hard.I see this often when religious guys try to dress secular. It looks awkward. It looks like they are role playing.

groovy1224

Fri, Jul 12 2019, 11:11 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

When you say 'in the beginning' how long ago did this start? He's been shopping for a few months? Weeks? Days?

Is there no legitimacy to his claim that he needs to dress differently for his new career? Is he normally a responsible spender? Or is this a recurring issue?

karat

Fri, Jul 12 2019, 11:22 am

Start delegating the finances to him.
Tell him you don’t want to nag him or micromanage him and that you trust him to pay the bills and to see to it that all the bills will get paid.

amother

Fri, Jul 12 2019, 11:27 am

karat wrote:

Start delegating the finances to him.
Tell him you don’t want to nag him or micromanage him and that you trust him to pay the bills and to see to it that all the bills will get paid.

In the past when we had that arrangement he paid all the bills late and we were charged for late fees. This month we are tight because we had extra expenses.

amother

Fri, Jul 12 2019, 11:28 am

groovy1224 wrote:

We've never had this in the past, he's always hardly spent money on himself.

amother

Aubergine

Fri, Jul 12 2019, 11:43 am

Maybe if it is a one time type of thing for his job (he could be a little nervous starting it & figures this way he'll fit in better) , ask him if he can make a budget for it & stay within that range & just take it out of savings.

amother

cornflower

Fri, Jul 12 2019, 12:36 pm

New wardrobe for a new job (assuming this is really needed) would not be a in a typical monthly budget - and would be something that needs to come out of a savings account.

Savings are not just for emergencies - its to cover 'extraordinary expenses' - which this is its a legitimate need.

Ask DH what amount he has budgeted for himself for new clothes for new job. Take that out of savings.

Aggressively replenish the savings from DH new job. I hope he's earning more.

However - does sound likes he's 'discovered' the 'addiction' of online shopping and have quickly moved from 'need' to 'I want this!!'. So easy to blur the line between wants and needs.

Genius

Fri, Jul 12 2019, 1:43 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

This is bad news. He only sees the income and you only see expenses.