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Where will we make our bar mitzva? (Rant!!!)
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amother




OP


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 8:44 pm
We live in a community where my husband doesn’t daven. The shul where he davens is about a mile away, in another/different part of the community.
We are making a bar mitzva within the year, and he refuses to do anything locally, even just making a seuda.
So what does that mean? It means that I have to walk all the way home Friday night, and then rush all my kids to get ready shabbos morning, cuz once I go there, I’m not coming back to get them. It also means I need to find sleeping arrangements in the other/other part of the community, for all of our family and friends, because I can’t ask people to walk a mile....
But I don’t know enough people, with enough space, in the other part of town!!
Why do these things need to be so stressful?!?!
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amother




Violet


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 8:47 pm
You don’t have to find sleeping space for anyone. If it’s too far they won’t come. Maybe find sleep space for you because it will be easier that walking back and forth.
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amother




Scarlet


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 8:49 pm
A mile isn't that far at all. I would find accommodations for any elderly guests or those with limited physical mobility, but otherwise it shouldn't be such a big deal for people to walk a mile. We made a shabbos bris and most of the community walked a mile to our home, where it was taking place. BH we had a huge crowd and everyone was happy to come. Just prepare cold/ hot beverages depending on the season so people can cool off or warm up when they get there.
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thunderstorm




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 8:49 pm
If you can host people or put your guests up on your side of town, you can make a minyan in your home or hall with family and friends . You would need to get hold of a Sefer Torah and someone that could lein etc. , but people do simchos without a shul sometimes and they are beautiful as well.
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amother




OP


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 8:54 pm
thunderstorm wrote:
If you can host people or put your guests up on your side of town, you can make a minyan in your home or hall with family and friends . You would need to get hold of a Sefer Torah and someone that could lein etc. , but people do simchos without a shul sometimes and they are beautiful as well.

I suggested to my husband that we at least have the Friday night meal here, but he said no. Also he’s right, neither his parents, nor mine, can do a mile walk. Davening will of course be in his shul, not even a question.
The only thing I can think of to make it a little easier for me, would be to hire a baby sitter for the morning, to come to the house and get my other kids ready and walk them to shul.
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amother




Slategray


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 8:59 pm
We just made a bar mitzvah in the shul DH wanted, 1.5 miles from our house. DS wanted a small seudah at home.

We hosted 35 (including us), and pretty much everyone walked to shul then to our house then home, even though it was hot.

If you don't like the plans that your DH made, OP, keep communicating until the two of you find a solution you can both live with. Your guests will figure themselves out.
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amother




OP


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 9:02 pm
amother [ Violet ] wrote:
You don’t have to find sleeping space for anyone. If it’s too far they won’t come. Maybe find sleep space for you because it will be easier that walking back and forth.

Both of our families will come, with whatever children they have at home. That’s 10 families, plus kids. Most need at least 2 rooms, because they have 5 plus kids, and there just isn’t physical space for them in one room.
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amother




OP


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 9:03 pm
amother [ Slategray ] wrote:
We just made a bar mitzvah in the shul DH wanted, 1.5 miles from our house. DS wanted a small seudah at home.

We hosted 35 (including us), and pretty much everyone walked to shul then to our house then home, even though it was hot.

If you don't like the plans that your DH made, OP, keep communicating until the two of you find a solution you can both live with. Your guests will figure themselves out.

I’m trying :-) even if we don’t invite any friends, and it’s just family, we are BH close to 100 people, so I can’t do that in my house, nor can I do all the cooking, because of the proximity to pesach :-( I won’t be able to cook and freeze.
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Rutabaga




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 9:13 pm
Maybe we can help you think outside the box and come up with some compromise.

Can you make your own minyan more local to your home in a hall or simcha room of a different shul?

Can you put your guests up somewhere midway between your home and DH's shul so they don't have to walk so far at any given time?

Can you make the bar mitzvah somewhere else completely, like in a hotel or summer camp or anywhere you could easily accommodate all your guests in a small area? I know that costs $$$, but I'm just throwing out ideas here.

If you're finding places to put up all your guests near the shul, then maybe you can find somewhere to stay there yourself?
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oneofakind




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 9:15 pm
Can you make a small kiddush and just put up your parents and in laws on that side of town and make something during the week for everyone?
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amother




OP


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 9:38 pm
Maybe we can help you think outside the box and come up with some compromise.

Can you make your own minyan more local to your home in a hall or simcha room of a different shul?
All the simcha halls are on the other side of town, and my husband will only daven in HIS shul, which kinda makes sense.

Can you put your guests up somewhere midway between your home and DH's shul so they don't have to walk so far at any given time?
Unfortunately, there is no in between place, the two neighborhoods are completely separated by a non Jewish area.

Can you make the bar mitzvah somewhere else completely, like in a hotel or summer camp or anywhere you could easily accommodate all your guests in a small area? I know that costs $$$, but I'm just throwing out ideas here.
My husband actually suggested going away for chag, but I don’t want to do that, and anyway it won’t help.
He will not do it in a location because, again, he wants it in his shul. (It was a great suggestion though!!)

If you're finding places to put up all your guests near the shul, then maybe you can find somewhere to stay there yourself?
I think this is going to be what I end up doing, and also getting a baby sitter. Or maybe I’ll just have one of my older nieces come over in the morning. I’m sure they won’t mind :-) And if we are sleeping locally, I can just walk back after leonine and finish getting everyone ready.
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amother




OP


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 9:41 pm
oneofakind wrote:
Can you make a small kiddush and just put up your parents and in laws on that side of town and make something during the week for everyone?

I suggested that, but apparently you HAVE to do something on shabbos, because that’s the minhag, and god forbid you should do something different than what other people do. Also, he doesn’t want to do something during the week. I don’t either, if I’m doing something in shabbos, but I don’t mind making something ONLY during the week. It’s a moot point though, cuz he doesn’t want to.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 9:43 pm
I'm tired and I may have missed something, but could you clarify this for me? You said "he refuses to do anything locally,"

By "he", do you mean your husband, or your son?

(Although either way, it sounds like they are being unreasonable.)

Depending where you are, if the weather is hot, a mile is a VERY long way to walk. Especially if you don't hold by the eruv, and you have little kids.
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amother




Scarlet


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 9:55 pm
FranticFrummie wrote:
I'm tired and I may have missed something, but could you clarify this for me? You said "he refuses to do anything locally,"

By "he", do you mean your husband, or your son?

(Although either way, it sounds like they are being unreasonable.)

Depending where you are, if the weather is hot, a mile is a VERY long way to walk. Especially if you don't hold by the eruv, and you have little kids.


A mile for most people takes about 20 minutes. That's really not the biggest deal. Like I wrote, we had tons of guests at our simcha even though almost all walked a mile.
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amother




Firebrick


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 10:00 pm
I know this isn't an option for you, but I had a similar situation.

We made a big party on the actual birthday date. We made a small kiddish in the shul that my boys daven at. Dh davened in a real chasidish shul, because he has 2 friends there. My boys would never walk into that shul anymore. They did when they were really young, but stopped going to shul because of the language barrier and feeling uncomfortable. Bh, once my oldest turned 12 he decided to go to shul on shabbos. He found a place he feels comfortable and that where we made his kiddish.

It's simple to write it now, but it was so stessfull until dh agreed to this.
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amother




OP


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 10:14 pm
FranticFrummie wrote:
I'm tired and I may have missed something, but could you clarify this for me? You said "he refuses to do anything locally,"

By "he", do you mean your husband, or your son?

(Although either way, it sounds like they are being unreasonable.)

Depending where you are, if the weather is hot, a mile is a VERY long way to walk. Especially if you don't hold by the eruv, and you have little kids.

He is my husband. BH the bar mitzva will be right after pesach, so hopefully it won’t be too cold, but I for sure can’t imagine it being too hot. There is an eruv the entire way, and everyone uses it, except those who don’t use any eruv at all, ever.
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amother




OP


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 10:15 pm
amother [ Scarlet ] wrote:
A mile for most people takes about 20 minutes. That's really not the biggest deal. Like I wrote, we had tons of guests at our simcha even though almost all walked a mile.

Walking with little kids, it’s definitely more like 30, which also is not terrible.
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amother




Scarlet


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 10:28 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Walking with little kids, it’s definitely more like 30, which also is not terrible.


No, it's not. I understand that it's not as convenient as a more local option, but it also doesn't have to mean putting up all your guests in an unfamiliar neighborhood. It's very normal for a father to want to do a bar mitzvah in the shul where he davens every shabbos.
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DrMom




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 10:37 pm
Where does you son daven?
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sarahmalka




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 10:42 pm
I agree with others that walking a mile is not a big deal. In my town people routinely walk a mile on Shabbos and YT. For those for whom it's a big deal (aging parents, friends with disabilities), surely your DH can ask members of his shul for help finding accommodations closer to the simcha: if he's insisting on the location then this is a simple way that he can help make it do-able. Great idea to find a place for you to spend the night and get babysitter help if that reduces your stress.
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