S/O Chassidish men not home?

amother

Tue, Jul 23 2019, 10:12 pm

On a different thread, someone mentioned that Chassidish men are not home too much. Is this really true? Or only true for certain Chassidus only? And do the women not mind and why not?

I'm not just asking out of curiosity, I have a specific reason for this question.

amother

Olive

Tue, Jul 23 2019, 10:37 pm

This is untrue and just a generalization. I know and see plenty of chassidish men that are home way too much during the day. It only makes sense that if a man works long hours, he's not home much. Such is life and bh we have shabbos.
In the chassidish world kollel & the women working is not so accepted, so men that are working are automatically home less than kollel guys.

amother

Mauve

Tue, Jul 23 2019, 10:39 pm

amother [ Olive ] wrote:

The post was about the men often being out socializing at night. Not how much they are or aren't in during the day.

amother

Seafoam

Tue, Jul 23 2019, 10:42 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

In my experience, yes it’s true.

Tzutzie

Tue, Jul 23 2019, 10:43 pm

Depends. But asaik most are not.

Dh used to go out once every other week at some point but thathe didn't last too long.

Now, other than family simcha or work, he's out on average once in 2 months. Or less.
Not much at all.

And most men I know, or know of (close neighbors, friends husbands, extended family....) don't go out more than that. Or even less.

Last edited by Tzutzie on Tue, Jul 23 2019, 11:02 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Ruby

Tue, Jul 23 2019, 10:44 pm

If a man is very involved in his chassidus then he will be out for yuhrtzeits and shmoozen and other shul events. Also, on shabbos there is tish friday night and melave malka after shabbos. Also shalosh seudos is in shul. Chassidus is not just a spiritual thing, it is also a social life, with the chaburah playing a very central part. Some women compensate by spending time with their friends and family when husbands aren't home.

amother

Periwinkle

Tue, Jul 23 2019, 10:48 pm

It's a very specific subset. Obviously if they are working during day and learning at night that's to be expected but men just socializing every night for hours is a specific type... the men I know of who do it? Their wives are resigned to it, but not happy about it.

Thankfully I also know countless chasidish men including my extended family and husband who do not do this. Iyh I plan to marry off my daughters to a similar sort.

amother

Mustard

Tue, Jul 23 2019, 10:49 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I'm more curious about your reason than about the answer Smile

amother

Magenta

Tue, Jul 23 2019, 10:51 pm

amother [ Periwinkle ] wrote:

My husband likes to schmooze with his friends at night and hang out and I don't like it. How do you plan to marry your daughter's to a similar sort. It's not something you know beforehand.

amother

Periwinkle

Tue, Jul 23 2019, 10:52 pm

amother [ Ruby ] wrote:

Those things come up but I wouldn't count that as being out every night... Shabbos the men are out for longer than Yeshivish types but I don't think that's what the OP of the other thread was talking about unless I misunderstood?

amother

Periwinkle

Tue, Jul 23 2019, 10:56 pm

amother [ Magenta ] wrote:

My husband likes to schmooze with his friends at night and hang out and I don't like it. How do you plan to marry your daughter's to a similar sort. It's not something you know beforehand.

I'm sorry you're unhappy with the situation... But I applaud your resilience anyways. Idk if I could handle it.

As for how I'd avoid it? Well I did say "iyh" sincerely. But I think you can tell a lot by how the father acts. If the boy is raised to think that is normal, then he will probably follow that... research research research and more importantly davening.

amother

Ruby

Tue, Jul 23 2019, 10:58 pm

amother [ Periwinkle ] wrote:

It's not every night but it is definitely more than the average yeshivish. Depending on the chassidus it could be quite a lot more. Also, because the men are so used to doing things on a men only basis, it is much more acceptable for a man to go out to eat or do something fun with friends.

amother

Seashell

Tue, Jul 23 2019, 11:12 pm

It's so hard to make generalizations. For exaple, my dh is out every night of the week - not bc of our chassidus but for work. After he comes home for supper, helps a bit with bedtime, and goes out for his shiur and maariv, he returns to the office. Sad

I got used to the schedule and thank Hashem that he has a job that he enjoys and that his office is so close to home. We text and communicate during those late hours, but he can't be home until he gets certain stuff done.
Of course he may linger after maariv to catch up with friends he meets, but he doesn't just stay our for extended periods to socialize. As for Shabbos, he doesn't attend tisch/melava malka. The very devoted chassidim do, so maybe those are the type you are referring to, but the majority of chassidishe men I know keep a normal Shabbos schedule and are out only for davening on Shabbos.
If a guy is in kollel - whether chassidish or not - chances are he's home during lunch and possibly picks up kids while the wife finishes work. And maybe catching up with friends happens more in chassidishe shtieblech, where the atmosphere is often more heimish, than in other shuls??

amother

Periwinkle

Tue, Jul 23 2019, 11:14 pm

amother [ Ruby ] wrote:

The tischen and etc it definitely depends on the chassidus. But as far as men going out to eat... that also has to do with chassidus and how they hold of such things. I know quite a few men who would never eat in public! Not a yeshivish concept. And really only Americans eat out so much. Antwerp, London, Montreal, EY... Chasidim rarely eat out.

Funny story... One of my best friends, her husband tried for her sake to take her to dinner during shana rishona, make her happy because she grew up going out. She said he was so uncomfortable the entire time SHE couldn't handle it. Now she goes out rarely with friebds/sisters and her parents still take her out every birthday while her husband kindly babysits. Smile

amother

Magenta

Wed, Jul 24 2019, 12:04 am

amother [ Periwinkle ] wrote:

My husband is a social butterfly and loves to socialize. He has a whole group of friends he socializes at night. Goes swimming. Makes barbeques. His father is completely opposite of him. He is very quiet. He wasn't raised that this is normal. His friends ask him to come out and he does. How can you research this? Who knows that my husband is out at night besides for me and his group of friends?

amother

Goldenrod

Wed, Jul 24 2019, 12:21 am

I’m chassidish. I’m an introvert and happy to stay home. My husband is very social and likes to go out. He does go out most nights. It used to be that he went out for maariv and would stay out longer to socialize.

He recently joined shomrim and is out now even more. At least he’s helping people and not just hanging out. If I need him at home he stays home, but for now it works.

amother

Jetblack

Wed, Jul 24 2019, 12:56 am

I'm chasidish
Dh is out most evenings for work, not hanging out. He comes home for an hour or two for supper, bedtime, then goes out again. In and out. Occasionally he'll get together with friends but that's an organized thing not chilling on the street. I'm happy for him to socialize. And hes happy for me to get together with friends as well. (Not thrilled to be stuck at home though, he does it anyway! More like it's hard for him to stay in one place for too long! ADHD maybe somewhat?)
I thought that most men are at home then.