R' Yosef Shidler's thoughts about Lakewood. From the heart.

amother

Sat, Aug 03 2019, 8:43 pm

My question, as OP: What is there to do in a heavily politically driven community?

Color in the Ocean of
Black & White
By Yosef Shidler
So here we are again.
It’s another year and another story about Lakewood, New Jersey, also occurring right around
the Nine Days, a period when we mourn the loss of our Batei Mikdash, one of which was
destroyed because of the sin of sinas chinam - baseless hatred, or thinking that you are
better than everyone else. As we reflect upon the lessons of the Nine Days and try to
improve our ways, it is also appropriate to consider our responsibilities as the chosen people
to be a light unto the nations in this world.
Clearly in the past few weeks the Jewish community has done exactly that. Dozens of
people dropped everything to aid in the search for Rabbi Reuven Bauman when he went
missing in Norfolk, Virginia. $2 million dollars was raised to pay the only medicine that could
save the life of a small child. Hundreds of people who turned out to mourn a young boy who
died in a tragic water park accident. All of these events are proof positive that we are united
in so many ways, with so much good in our community and so many chesed organizations
stepping up to help others in need. On the surface it looks like we are doing everything right
and that we have done what we needed to bring Moshiach.
But he’s still not here. And from where I sit, we still have a long way to go.
Lakewood itself has so much that is right about it. A 2014 New York Times article discussed
the unprecedented giving that goes on on a daily basis and the number of educational
institutions here is staggering. And yet, there are things going on in this town that nobody
wants to talk about and that in some instances seem to be deliberately done behind the
scenes.
Let’s step back for a moment in time and consider Rav Aaron Kotler zt’l and how Lakewood
came to be. Rav Aaron had a dream of building a small yeshiva for the top bochurim, that
maybe one day might draw 100 students. He built Beis Medrash Govoha to bring his vision
to life, choosing the small resort town of Lakewood, New Jersey. He imagined that bochurim
and avreichim would come and learn in Lakewood and when they left the yeshiva’s hallowed
halls, they would move elsewhere, leaving Lakewood as a haven for top-tier learners.
Little did Rav Aaron realize that his yeshiva would be so successful that it would undermine
what he had set about to do. Rav Aaron was succeeded by his son Rav Shneur zt’l, with
his grandsons Rav Malkiel and Rabbi Aaron Kotler currently at the helm of BMG. As time
went by, a shift in our culture meant that suddenly any “quality” boy would, of course, be
learning full time, a major change from the days when only the best of the best stayed on in
yeshiva. And a construction boom created a stock of reasonably priced housing all over
Lakewood, with a solid infrastructure built to provide for the needs of the many families who
Messed to the town in search of a Torah community with modern conveniences. Hoping to
head those problems off at the pass, the Lakewood Vaad was created to ensure that BMG
remained the focal point of the town and that its residents fit the yeshiva’s cookie cutter
mold.
Baruch Hashem, Lakewood is home today to dozens of wonderful yeshivos, but when it
comes to getting our little ones into school, things can be exceptionally difficult, especially for
those who don’t fit into the BMG box. Me? My family and I moved here from Crown Heights
where housing was unaffordable. We soon found ourselves very much at home in
Lakewood and while we were warned that getting your kids into school was “not easy but not
impossible,” we weren’t really worried about running into an serious roadblocks. .
If you know me, you already know about the letter I wrote last year on Tisha B’Av when I still
didn’t have a single school willing to accept my daughter. And you probably know how after
that letter, she was welcomed into a wonderful school called Ateres Tziporah, which was
saved from last minute financial problems by the generosity of Shlomo Yehuda Rechnitz.
What you don’t know is what an amazing year my daughter had in Ateres Tziporah, a school
that helps every girl maximize her potential, makes each one feel special and has strong
programs in both limudei kodesh and secular studies. It is an institution that educates the
next generation of wives and mothers to have bright futures - one that equips them for the
important roles that they will play both inside and outside of the house, should they choose
to do so, instead of assuming that they aren’t capable of anything more than just sitting
home and raising the kiddies.
And last weekend, the other shoe dropped. Unbelievably and without any warning at all,
Ateres Tziporah was closed, supposedly because of financial issues. It took a while to dig
down deep enough to find out what had really happened and the truth was almost too crazy
to believe. The school’s downfall had been orchestrated by those who were tasked with
making sure that Lakewood remained aligned with Rav Aaron’s vision, which didn’t include a
place like Ateres Tziporah which warmly welcomed every girl who wanted to learn. I guess
in their minds, it made sense. If there are no schools for the kids of non-BMG-type families,
then they will have to pick up and move elsewhere, leaving Lakewood pristine and pure. For
students of history, that concept is eerily disturbing, but let’s not go there.
Ironically, while Ateres Tziporah was supposedly closed for lack of funding, those who were
running the school turned down donations that would have covered the shortfalls, with
previous funding commitments deliberately sabotaged. What terrible sin was it that Ateres
Tziporah had committed to find itself in the crosshairs of the Vaad? You better sit down for
this one. It had made the apparently fatal error of welcoming every girl who wanted to learn
and grow and succeed, and worse yet, it had done so without forcing parents to grovel or to
hand over $40k checks as “admission gifts.”
The funny thing is that while BMG’s original class of talmidim may have included elite
learners, they didn’t all come from BMG-type families. Rabbi Shlomo Carlebach was
considered to be one of Rav Aaron’s top students and yet his ability to learn like no one else
wouldn’t have been enough to get him into some of the schools we have in Lakewood today.
It takes yichus. It takes money. It takes big checks and lots of them. How have we gotten
to the point where the Torah, G-d’s gift to all of the Jewish nations, is considered to be
something that is only for our society’s chosen ones?
The fact is that whether the Vaad likes it or not, Lakewood is changing, the sea of black and
white dotted is with color. Is this a community that only welcomes one type of Jew and tells
the rest to find somewhere else to live? I know what you’re thinking - that doesn’t really
happen. But I can tell you it does. Because I received a phone call last year from a member
of the Vaad telling me in no uncertain terms to “go back to Crown Heights,” a pretty
misplaced comment considering that I am from Denver, my wife is from Florida and my
family has been proud U.S. citizens for the past 100 years so we are the furthest thing in the
world from Brooklynites. Are the powers that be in Lakewood actually taking their cues from
the people of Sodom who prided themselves on denying outsiders entrance? As Americans,
do we not have the right to live freely anywhere on the soil of this great country?
And yet, five weeks before the start of the new school year, 170 girls suddenly have no place
to go in September. Their parents will be forced to beg and pull any string they can so that
their daughter can be squeezed into an already too full classroom. Ateres Tziporah’s parent
body is angry and rightfully so - it’s not just that they have to find another placement for their
girls. It is because their daughters were in a school that loved them, nurtured them and
helped them grow in their yiddishkeit and outsiders decided that that approach to chinuch
simply wasn’t the way things go in this town. Parents are frustrated, angry and literally at
wits end because of the powers that be who are denying them the opportunity to educate
their girls as they see fit. And its not just Ateres Tziporah - other schools that have suffered
a similar fate, with a local girls’ high school with 60 students also being shuttered by the
same forces.
Let me reiterate again that I am in no way looking to detract from Rav Aaron’s kavod. He
was one of the luminaries of the Torah world and his method of chinuch yielded wonderful
results. Coming from Lubavitch I can tell you that the Lubavitcher Rebbe had a different
approach - he believed in welcoming every person, treating everyone with respect and
making sure that unity was priority number one. But the Lakewood Rav Aaron envisioned is
not the Lakewood that exists today and life in contemporary Lakewood is not what it was in
1950 or even in 1980 or 2010. Even one of Rav Aaron’s own grandchildren was heard to
say that if he were alive today, “he would move Lakewood out of Lakewood.”
At issue here is not just a single school but an entire way of life. Sure we have
conveniences galore but is it possible that our community is breeding a divisive mentality,
one that allows us to forget just how powerful we can be what we all stand united? In any
other community, a yeshiva being forced to close down would result in a huge outcry and
campaigns to save the school that would likely be picked up by Jewish communities all
across the United States. But in Lakewood, Ateres Tziporah was closed down and not a
single community leader has uttered even one word about the situation. Does their silence
imply that they stand with the Vaad? That a school that welcomes every girl who wants to
learn has no place in Lakewood Ir Hakodesh? I’m sorry to say that we are living in a sick
world, where we can find ourselves in the midst of the Nine Days and there are rabbis and
community leaders who seem to have no problem seeing kids out of school, stuffed like
human sardines into an overcrowded school and torn away from their friends.
When my daughter was about to enter Ateres Tziporah last year, I was called to a meeting in
the school where I was asked to sign a paper from the Lakewood Vaad committing to
keeping quiet and not speaking out on any issue. The implication was clear - if I didn’t sign
the paper my daughter would not be going to school. Is that the kind of town we live in?
Where people are bullied into silence? It was clear at that moment that I was definitely not
welcome here, a message that seemed to come straight from the town’s leadership.
I find myself asking the question. Is there not one voice of leadership who will step up and
say what we can do to rebuild Ateres Tziporah?
I should mention that aside from this craziness, I love living in Lakewood and we have been
so happy here that my parents have moved to town as well. Should I just move to a place
that has true Torah values and respects the potential in each child instead of throwing them
under the bus? I have no intention of going back to Brooklyn, as that lovely rabbi from the
Vaad suggested, and if I can’t find a suitable school for my daughter in Lakewood because
of the elitist mentality that seems to be everywhere, then I will just have to drive farther to
find a place that understands what the Torah is all about and what achdus really means. It is
laughable that Lakewood prides itself on being an Ir HaTorah because there is literally
nothing Torahdik about leaving 170 girls out in the cold.
Having been raised on the teachings of the Lubavitcher Rebbe, I know that each of us is
here to bring light into places of darkness and right now, Lakewood is sadly, very, very dark.
It is unfathomable that so many precious neshamas have been cast aside like last night’s
garbage and left to flounder on their own and that an institution that teaches Torah could be
closed so that the Vaad could turn back the hands of time and pretend that it is 1950 all over
again. The leadership of Lakewood needs to open their eyes and see what our town really
looks like. The people of Lakewood need to stand up and call out those who closed down a
school that was home to 170 girls. We are a people who stop everything the minute there is
a tragedy to help someone else - how can we just stand in silence when our daughters are
denied their chance to be taught the beauty of Torah and the love of yiddishkeit?
Let me end with a story told by Rabbi Yechiel Spero that was recently printed by Artscroll
that took place right here in Lakewood in BMG. The entire yeshiva was downtrodden after
Rav Aaron’s passing, wondering what would become of the yeshiva. The mashgiach, Rav
Nosson Wacthfogel, stood up and relayed a dream that had been shared with him by a great
Torah scholar.
In the dream Moshiach was sleeping on a couch. The Chasom Soffer approached Moshiach
and tried to wake him up with no success. Then Rav Aaron walked into the room and
attempted the rouse Moshaich, again with no success. Finally a young American boy in a
baseball cap walked into the room and tapped Moshiach on the shoulder, waking him up.
Addressing the room, Rav Nosson explained that Moshiach didn’t come in the generation of
the Chasam Sofer or Rav Aaron Kotler. He told the talmidim “he is coming here, for you
guys, right now and he is coming for the American kid in the baseball cap.”
Let that lesson sink in. Those kids in the baseball caps? They have value. They are
important. They were created in G-d’s image. And the mashgiach of BMG made it
abundantly clear to the yeshiva’s talmidim that even those who don’t dress in black and
white also have have the ability to bring Moshiach - we just have to empower them.
Are we ready to accept them? Open our arms to embrace them? Create Torah institutions
for them?
Or is Moshiach going to continue slumbering because even after all these years, we still
haven’t learned what ahavas chinam and achdus are all about?

elisheva25

Sat, Aug 03 2019, 9:27 pm

Great article !!

amother

Sat, Aug 03 2019, 9:33 pm

elisheva25 wrote:

Great article !!

I agree. I dont know what this person does for a living, but he would make an amazing writer. This pulls at the heartstrings of anyone with the will to do Ahavas Chinam.

elisheva25

Sat, Aug 03 2019, 9:47 pm

I don’t live in Lakewood, and I don’t know whT solutions there should be.... but there is def enough here for people to start thinking .

amother

Ecru

Sat, Aug 03 2019, 9:49 pm

A number of years ago, we were trying to get my ds into kindergarten. The original cheder we applied to decided not to open a second class for his grade, so we were left scrambling for another place.

At the interview in the other cheder, we were told very clearly that there's only 1 spot left & 3 ppl applying. But if we could provide 10,000 dollars or the cost of a classroom, (in addition to the regular fees & tuition) we would be guaranteed to get the spot.

It's nauseating.

There is no room for individuality at all . I & my kids were severely mocked/bullied for being slightly out of the cookie cutter mold (for not being materialistic enough to wear the right shoes or clothes).

This is not Torah or yiddishkeit. It's a farce.

giselle

Sat, Aug 03 2019, 10:20 pm

Sorry but I don’t buy it. There are other schools that cater to people who aren’t yeshivish, and they’re not being closed down.

amother

Navy

Sun, Aug 04 2019, 5:28 am

I agree, there are plenty other non yeshivish schools and their not being closed so there must be more to it.

giselle

Sun, Aug 04 2019, 5:29 am

amother [ Navy ] wrote:

I agree, there are plenty other non yeshivish schools and their not being closed so there must be more to it.

I’m not saying he doesn’t make any good points, but the way he goes about it feels like rabble rousing to me.

amother

Sun, Aug 04 2019, 5:54 am

giselle wrote:

I’m not saying he doesn’t make any good points, but the way he goes about it feels like rabble rousing to me.

Thats what people in the "right crowds" who have never had to worry about getting their children into a school are probably saying.

This while parents not in the "right crowds" are scrambling for ideas to get their kids into schools to avoid their kids depression and a host of other serious problems, now and later.

While others in their community are worrying about getting their kids into school, they are worrying which comforts and luxuries they can put into their homes and summer homes.

We all know that unless people scream for help, nothing changes.

What would you do to ensure that this problem gets repaired effectively?

amother

Seashell

Sun, Aug 04 2019, 5:57 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I'm curious where you get your information from?

Because I have a friend who comes from " the right crowd " - Rosh Yeshivos on both here and her husband's sides - and she had just as much trouble getting into schools as anyone else....

Sebastian

Sun, Aug 04 2019, 6:03 am

I know ppl who are a bit out of the box who found schools but sorry he s basically blacklisting himself like this. AT nearly closed and was saved a few times. The vaad is not their problem, something else is

amother

Dodgerblue

Sun, Aug 04 2019, 6:07 am

He KNEW this would be a problem before he moved there but he brushed it off.

And he got his parents to move there???

Seems unwise. Now they're doubly stuck.

Why doesnt Chabad open a cheder somewhere thereabouts?

amother

Sun, Aug 04 2019, 6:08 am

amother [ Seashell ] wrote:

Just because both sides are from R"Y families doesnt guarantee anything. They may be doing something thats "problematic".

Is there a formula for criteria that schools use or is it case by case judgementalism and nitpicking?

amother

Sun, Aug 04 2019, 6:09 am

amother [ Dodgerblue ] wrote:

Is this problem only a problem for Chabad people? Im afraid not.

amother

Seashell

Sun, Aug 04 2019, 6:16 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

What do you imagine they were doing "wrong"? (They were a typical kollel family related to all the right people).

If being in kollel and having Rosh Yeshivas on both sides is not good enough, what is the "magic criteria" you are referring to?

leah233

Sun, Aug 04 2019, 6:17 am

I was very burned by the Lakewood school system.

Even so I think that

(1)this author is rabble rousing

(2)there are no specific villains.

(3)While most heads of Lakewood schools do not feel they have any obligation to those who aren't in their overcrowded schools they are still for the most part well meaning people .

When we first applied for schools we qualified as the "right crowd" referred to in this article. my husband was still in kollel , had gone to all the right yeshivos (Five years in Brisk) we had no internet access or even cell phones, were living in a small apartment right near BMG and weren't asking for any tuition discounts etc.

I still didn't have it easy with the schools

Flip Flops

Sun, Aug 04 2019, 6:21 am

The problem w/ AT is financial. There aren't enough kids to support the school.
If anything, this just proves that there are not enough of that crowd to make a big school. This has nothing to do with shaming ppl who r a bit out of the box.
There r some schools that cater to the less yeshivish crowd and they r doing fine, so maybe there is more to the story...?

giselle

Sun, Aug 04 2019, 6:23 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You’re lumping a whole bunch of random things together. What does worrying about your summer home have to do with getting your kids into school?

I had to push to get my daughter into school, like almost everyone else. I don’t claim to have the solution but this rabble rousing isn’t it. I would not want to send my kids to a school that he sends his kids to. And I’ve never said that about anyone.

And by the way, feel free to pm me and I can tell you about schools that will accept most types. But even those schools aren’t interested in accepting angry people who like to cause trouble.

amother

Sun, Aug 04 2019, 6:26 am

leah233 wrote:

So you see the problem accurately, from the inside. With the best intentions of people in high places, many parents and children are traumatized (not only Chabad).

If you had many millions what would you do to greatly ease this problem?

giselle

Sun, Aug 04 2019, 6:28 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I would pay off the developers to stop building more houses. Or perhaps the government to stop allowing this.