Hosting divorced women for shabbos meals

amother

Orange

Fri, Aug 09 2019, 3:08 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Would you invite a divorced woman over for a shabbos meal?
Full disclaimer: I’m divorced. And I’ve heard from a few married people they are uncomfortable with it because of their husbands. This is really surprising for me to hear because I’m very introverted and wouldn’t dream of flirting with someone else’s husband. I also have my kids with me all the time so wouldn’t that make a difference in the comfort level at the table?

I tend to think that a woman who flirts with a married guy does it because she has boundary issues and it has little to do if she’s married, divorced or never married. It’s more her personality and how respectful she is of someone’s marriage.

What do you think? would you invite divorced women? I think divorced men get invited more because they’re in shul and seen more. But divorced women can easily be forgotten about.

It’s not a matter of whether the divorced woman flirts or not. It’s the husband. Some can’t be trusted...

estreya

Fri, Aug 09 2019, 3:10 pm

....cause we all know those divorcees -- first comes the gefilte fish forshspeis and next on her mind is the husband for the main course ::eyeroll:: Can't Believe It

naturalmom5 is partially right; a lot boils down to jealousy. also mistrust in many people's heads of divorced women (in particular) borne of the stereotype ingrained in many people that she must be flawed in some way not to be able to keep her marriage together. joke is there are PLENTY of single AND married people who flirt or mess around in their marriages. Rolling Eyes

SixOfWands

Fri, Aug 09 2019, 3:15 pm

I invite people with whom I want to spend time, regardless of their marital status.

I wouldn't be friendly with anyone who would flirt or make suggestive comments to men at my table, so I wouldn't invite them. Whether married, divorced or single.

But my friends aren't like that, so it would never occur to me to exclude divorced women.

amother

Peach

Fri, Aug 09 2019, 3:15 pm

Amother mint, we've had afew guys use inappropriate language and not talk respectful to me and my girls. One women always spoke about pregnancy and childbirth. One women liked to discuss mikva and womens issues. We've had some that wouldn't let DH sing a word a say a dvar torah, they kept talking about all sorts of things not pertaining to the shabbos table. My girls are getting older and they were starting to feel uncomfortable.
It's very nice to have an open house. But an open house can have it's ramifications, especially todays day and age.

dee's mommy

Fri, Aug 09 2019, 3:27 pm

I have and do invite. I don't understand what anybody is afraid of. Divorce is not the plague.

If some here have had problems with guests in the past, it is not because of their marital status. Those are separate issues that need to be dealt with on an individual basis.

sarahmalka

Fri, Aug 09 2019, 3:28 pm

Used to be I wouldn't think twice about inviting someone divorced. I still will invite but I am careful about who b/c twice I've had divorced friends that started to get flirtatious and too comfortable. For example, the mode of dress, shmoozing with husband, preferring to talk to him than to me... It was disconcerting to say the least. We are MO and generally very comfortable talking to anybody regardless of their gender. I know this has little to do with their divorced status and much more to do with these women's personal issues so I'm more careful across the board, not just with single people.

tichellady

Fri, Aug 09 2019, 3:41 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

Same! Never experience anything like this ever

Bruria

Fri, Aug 09 2019, 3:55 pm

I host divorced women for Shabbat, why not?

I invite people I like, regardless of marital status.

Honestly don't know why anyone would specifically think of divorced women as some threat to their relationship and therefore not invite them.

If someone behaves inappropriately, it's not because of their marital status, it's because of their own middot.

aliavi

Fri, Aug 09 2019, 5:55 pm

amother [ Magenta ] wrote:

Nothing needs to have happened. But sometimes kids dont feel comfortable and they need to be taken into consideration.

I think I would have seen this as an opportunity for chinuch and being a ben Torah/bas Yisroel.

amother

Pearl

Fri, Aug 09 2019, 6:00 pm

I wouldn't think twice about inviting a divorced woman. Unless she was inappropriate with my husband, in which case I would think twice before asking that woman again. I don't get the big deal. How is it different from single women?

33055

Fri, Aug 09 2019, 6:09 pm

dee's mommy wrote:

Divorce is contagious.

https://www.pewresearch.org/fa.....ious/

When someone close to you gets divorced, it increases your chances of divorcing significantly.

amother

Taupe

Fri, Aug 09 2019, 6:30 pm

amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:

In my community, we have a whatsapp group where everyone signs up to take a single and/or divorcee for a meal on shabbos

OMG! While I can see how this is so thoughtful of the community- as the single or divorced I would feel like such a neb! a whole whatsapp group saying hey I'll take shaindy this shabbos will you take devory? Oh wait it looks like chani doesnt have a place - who wants her ? anyone? going once... going twice...

how is this done in a dignified way where everyone has a place and yet still feels like they arent a neb case? I am curious. because it sounds like an excellent and degrading idea at the same time.

amother

Honeydew

Fri, Aug 09 2019, 6:33 pm

The only divorced woman I don't invite is someone I didn't like to invite even when she was married. She is very loud and opinionated and dresses in very tight clothes. You can call me insecure, but I didn't enjoy her company at the shabbos table. I do spend time with her not at my shabbos table and helped her out a lot during the divorce. But like I said, I didn't really invite them as a couple. Only a few times when I felt it was proper to reciprocate. And then I invited other people too so it wouldnt seem like the conversation had to only revolve around her.
Having said that, I have had single women at my table plenty of times. Usually I try to invite others so dh has someone to talk to that he is friendly with, but not necessarily because of the single woman herself.
I'm sorry that you are going through this op. You sound like a lovely person to get to know and have over.
Anon in case the first friend I mentioned is on here and figures it out...

amother

Floralwhite

Fri, Aug 09 2019, 6:33 pm

amother [ Taupe ] wrote:

It's very discreet! I dont think anyone who is single/divorced knows about it!

allthingsblue

Fri, Aug 09 2019, 6:37 pm

The divorced women I wouldn't invite are the same women I wouldn't invite when they were married.

The divorced women I invite are the same women I invited when they were married.

sub

Fri, Aug 09 2019, 6:37 pm

Reality wrote:

I have a friend who is divorced who has come to me numerous times for meals. It wouldn't dawn on me not to invite her and usually she really needs those invites.

I'm not good about inviting strangers at shul so I never have those guests regardless of marital status!

Friends are definitely easier to invite.